Arch

Everything was a humiliation ritual. Being accused of being moody and hostile and asocial as soon as we came downstairs. "Look who came out of their cave!" Being told we'd never survive as an adult. Threats of force feeding and body checking and having our messages gone through. The illusion of constant surveillance. Being told there were people at our school, and in our friend groups, who would report us to our mother. Having our phone taken if we weren't talking enough, being ridiculed for being upset about it, being poked and prodded and shamed if we reacted. Being forced to drink silver and undergo spiritual cleanses to rid us of the demons that "made us depressed". Being isolated from our friends, and then shamed for never leaving the house. It's no wonder so many of us relate to concepts of torture, of prison, of shame, of reactive dogs and beasts. We trust no one. No one will save us. Any expression of pain will be punished. Any sign of distress will rob us of our freedom. We play pretend, we save ourself, we rely on no one.

Most days feel like a battle to convince myself that the things I choose to do matter and I can't just wiggle out of consequences forever. Eventually they'll catch up to me. But that prospect feels so distant, I can't bring myself to care.