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Okay, so. I am feral about fictional men and I need help because hannibal's relationship with will has absolutely sent me into a TANGENT lately.

I've been thinking about the scientific and linguistic concepts of being drawn to someone who has a total sense of self while yours is also eroding and Sees you on top of that. like, it's obviously not healthy, but this is a Real Thing that real people genuinely keep falling into (not falling for,).

It's when you're proud of something that isn't 'good' but works and you made the best of it. fixing a cheap door because you don't have money to replace it. having people at work hate you because you can't get them to like you.

I can't even get mad for all the groups I'm part of. there's a literal dozen (not listing them here to practice not justifying my own existence). and some of them are 'disability that makes you sad and tired, and overwhelmed and can't breathe.' a lot of them aren't that, but some are.

And if I WERE to get angry for a cause not my own. it'd be for people who don't have voices. Human trafficking, pre-born babies, legal wives you can buy online as long as the marraige takes place overseas (yup, legal in the usa.)

But you know what? I'm not doing ANYTHING for ANY of this until someone show's me a method that isn't pouring my INCREDIBLY precious energy down a drain. I can join a protest and write congressmen and do all sorts of 'change' that is a gamble or I can sign up to volunteer and then have to cancel because I can't move.

I admire the joy, but some part of me wonders if it's also that we've never known peace, and never found an identity of our own in which to find comfort as we rest.