Back to the place where our story begins...

Like I said, the museum was a pretty snotty institution. It’s got a LOT of objects it’s way famous for possessing, but nobody knew about the absolutely massive collection of Moche erotic pottery it had because the curators were totally embarrassed by this stuff.

Some examples:

Pretty hot shit, right? They never, ever put any of this stuff on public view or published it in any catalogues but - we legit had like several hundred pieces of Moche ceramics in the “dirty pots” category. Anyway, I was left alone to just do my job with regard to the database for several years, ok? And I figured, well, these’re accessioned objects in the museum’s collection - better get down to bidness. 

I catalogued every goddamn bestiality, necrophiliac, cocksucking, buttfucking, detached penis, and giant vulva drinking cup in that collection. I’d be like, 

A drinking vessel in form of a standing man wearing a tunic and cap. He holds an oversized erection in his hands and stares into the distance (note I did not say “like he’s hella-constipated”). The vessel has a hole at both the tip of the penis as well as around the rim of the figure’s head, thus forcing the drinker to drink only from the penis or risk spilling wine all over themselves from the top of the vessel. Red and orange slip covers the surface of the piece.

Pretty straightforward, right? Apparently the deep seated fear of these objects that the curators exhibited was meant to spread to me as well, but - no one ever gave me that memo, because I guess Midwesterners reproduce asexually. When the curators understood that I had catalogued all of these objects in addition to the other, non-sexy pieces in the collection, they were apparently livid, but knew they had no legs to stand on in terms of getting pissed at me for it. 

I visited the museum’s online public access database a few years back and - every single description I wrote of these pieces has been totally neutered to say something like Male figural vase. 

Here is probably the most interesting part of the article.

It is common policy, however, that politically appointed ambassadors resign at the start of a new administration. It is less common to have no replacements in line.

As many as 80 ambassadors for countries, agencies and issues - such as the ambassador for global women’s issues - have been discarded at once.

(because everybody thinks all we have to do is put on lots of lotion and not scratch)

waking up in pain with blood all over your sheets

being afraid to go to sleep because you can’t control your scratching when you’re asleep

having to do your laundry all the time because dead skin cells are everywhere

everything burns in the shower, even when you use cold water

no hot water: no hot showers, no hot tubs, no hot springs

not being able to go on sleepovers or travel to certain places because you can’t pack your humidifier or air purifier or the climate will fuck you up or there are just too many allergens there

if you ever do feel like going anywhere, having to pack your entire medicine cabinet (gauze and bandages included)

having to be careful with anything you put on your skin: makeup, lotions, etc…

clothing: as a child, cotton only - no jeans, no polyester, nope

when eczema breaks out on your face or any visible part of your body, and people are afraid of being near you for fear of catching some horrible disease. also people just straight up staring at you

hiding at home because you feel like the ugliest person in the world

not being able to wear short sleeves or shorts because you’re afraid of people seeing your scars

the only medications that work have horrible side effects…like topical steroid withdrawal or increasing the risk of skin cancer

being the really annoying friend with all the food allergies

not being able to exercise when you want to because you’re allergic to your own sweat or your joints are too inflamed to move

not being able to cry because your eyelids might break out

landing in the hospital because of life-threatening skin infections

a distrust in your perceptions 

a tendency to be fearful or on guard

self-consciousness or fear of how you are coming across

an inability to be spontaneous

a distrust of people and in future relationships

anger that bursts out unexpectedly