Why Am I Here

His coffin was strapped to her back, and the band of boobs were moving towards Ember Heaven to slice Galaad’s head off his shoulders — again. Hardwon never appreciated his mummy head as much as he misses it now. He noticed earlier that his gait was uneven without the cumbersome lump hanging off his left hip, counteracting the glorious weight of the Queenshammer.

Speaking of things he missed. Not only was he physically a liability to his party, but he was unworthy to the gods. Without the favor of Morridon, Hardwon was feeling quite small. Not that he was small. Obviously he’s fucking huge how dare he even consider the idea that his quads were less than massive. And he’s fucking stronger and faster now too. Can those puny mortals turn into a bat?

Stop. They aren’t puny mortals. They’re your friends, Hardwon. Plus — Moonshine can turn into a bat too. It isn’t that impressive.

This isn’t the first time his lifeless nature momentarily overtook his mind. He’s had less than savory thoughts for hours. And for hours he’s been shaking them out of his head. Deadeye said he’d be feeling different things. Feeling things differently. That being dead changes a man. Hardwon is starting to understand what he initially took as an old skeleton’s crazy ramblings. And now that Deadeye’s contract was broken, Hardwon alone took on the burden of undeath.

“Hardwon, we’re gonna wade ‘cross this crick, Kay? I’ll keep you dry, I promise.” Moonshine’s drawl was muffled by the thick reclaimed wood between them, but he hung on every word she spoke.

“10-4 Moonshine! I trust you!” He shouted back in a cracked voice. He hated when his voice cracked like that, but he hadn’t spoken in so long. Nobody had. Hardwon guessed nobody had anything to say. Who would? He didn’t even hear Bev humming a song like normal. There’s nothing happy about his situation.

Hardwon hated them. He hated those goddamn vampires who dug into his arteries and turned him into something evil and filthy. He hated them more than he hated Galaad. He hated Deadeye for not being honest. He hated his mom for being a revenant. He hated Bev for being gullible and he hated Moonshine and Balnor for not saving him.

You don’t hate anyone but yourself. Stop making up excuses.

He hated what hate has turned him into. There was a physiological change when he was bitten, but there was a spiritual change too. He wasn’t driven by honor and duty anymore. Coursing through his bloodless veins was hate.

“We’re across now, you can go back to trancin’!”

Hardwon didn’t return to his trance, partly because he had never begun his trance in the first place, and partly because his mind was racing now.

There has to be something good about this whole mess. Something he can clutch onto as a life preserve. One good goddamn thing about being a monster.

Hardwon felt his chariot stop. He almost burst through the wood to rage about the lack of progress, but he paused when he heard Balnor grunt.

“Yep — my knees aren’t like they were when I was 50. Takes me an extra second to get down to tie my shoes. Thanks for waiting, gang.”

God Balnor is old. How is he longing for his 50 year old body? If Hardwon was 50 he’d be creaking and cracking constantly.

The caravan started on again and Hardwon’s grey brain finally put two and two together.

Timeless bodies. Everyone has timeless bodies.

Before his encounter with the Montgomery’s, Hardwon often found himself longing for the same slow aging genes as the others. He felt his age on longer treks, and at times took longer to recover from his injuries than the others. Most of all, he could feel Moonshine holding back.

Being surrounded by dwarves his whole life, Hardwon was no stranger to differences in aging. He was the last kid at the dwarphanage to grow a beard by a long shot. We’re talking like — at least 7 years between his first patchy beard and Nerman’s first full grown masterpiece, and Nerman’s a fucking loser.

Hardwon was used to being seen as different. But with Moonshine, it felt like she was afraid to grow attached, because before she even got her first grey hair Hardwon would be worm food.

But now he was immortal. As long as he had a coffin to return to, he’d live forever. Maybe, if they could figure out the whole Weak-To-The-Sun-And-Also-Water thing, he’d have a chance.

Maybe she would love him back.

“Hardwon, the Blood Star is set, d’ya wanna come out and have some supper?”

The coffin thumped onto the ground. Hardwon got in his Vampire pose (something he ultimately found uncomfortable to trance in, but loved the pizazz it gave his entrance and exit front he coffin) and used the tip of his boot to push the door open. Hardwon sat up slowly and popped his red eyes open.

“I can’t deny it anymore — he looks really freaking cool” Bev geeked out at Hardwon’s new look, and Hardwon only revelled in the praise from the teenager for a moment.

They set up camp for a few hours and Moonshine put together a jambalaya-adjacent meal with random old meat from the bag of holding. And as appetizing as that sounds, Hardwon unfortunately craved alternative nutrients. Bev summoned a creature and everyone turned away so he could “send the creature away.”

Then came the shame. Perhaps another word for self-hatred. Hardwon felt shame almost as much as he felt hate.

Moonshine could never love the savage thing you’ve become. Your chances with her died in the Red Fen.

Hardwon wiped his face on the back of his hand, then looked at the streaks of blood across his skin. He almost knelt down to wash it off in the river, but thought better of it when he didn’t see his reflection. He sighed and returned to the campfire Bev built.

Bev and Balnor had opted to do a bit of sword training a ways away. Probably because neither halfling had the stomach to listen to Hardwon eat, but Hardwon decided to believe that its as because Balnor needed the extra work.

“Wanna share with the class?”

Hardwon lifted his hung head and met Moonshine’s gaze, full of worry but shielded by feigned curiosity.

“Heh. As if. Class is for losers.” Hardwon shook off her question.

“Hardwon I know you’re contemplatin’ something. Maybe I can help untangle it.”

Hardwon almost let it all out, but his words caught behind his fangs like prison bars and he thought better.

“Just the usual. My mom’s a prisoner of the weeniest person in the world and it’s all my fault.” He wasn’t lying, this was on his mind, but they both knew that this old news wasn’t the real worm infesting his brain.

“We’ll rescue her,” Moonshine played along, “and we’ll get that blonde bitch’s head back on your belt in no time.”

Hardwon chuckled at that. Moonshine always knows what to say to make him feel better, even if just for a moment.

As that moment came and went, silence once again fell on the camp, save for the crackling wood in the fire and the clanking of swords 15 feet away.

They sat in that silence for a while, taking turns stoking the fire and commenting on the sleeping Pawpaw’s twitching nose or running paws.

Bev and Balnor went to bed after a bit, needing 8 hours to fully recover from the day. But requiring only 4 hours, Moonshine stayed up as Hardwon kept watch. Finally, the silence broke.

“I’m gonna fix you up Hardwon. I promise I’ll figure out how.”

“Moony you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

“I know you’re not fine. I can feel it through my spores.”

“Oh.” Hardwon tried to swipe the spores off his clothes, but knew that it was futile. Moonshine was in his DNA now. He’d never be out of her network.

“I just — I hate seeing you in distress. You’re my friend, and I want you to be happy”

“Right. Friend. We’re friends and you want your friend to be happy.”

“Obviously we’re more than friends, Hardwon, but things are complicated.”

Silence again. He didn’t know what she meant by that, and asking more questions might make him feel worse.

I understand, he wanted to say, this whole ‘skeeter thing is too disgusting to love.

But he didn’t say anything. Instead he ran his tongue across his teeth, slicing it on one of his canines. He waited for that penny taste, but there was nothing left to drain. He was empty. Worthless.

Hate often feels like shame, but it feels like rage sometimes too.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Moonshine. I’m gonna free my mom and then I’ll go back to Grimhawk. Be the new Deadeye. Go crazy and make up my own indecipherable cipher. It’ll be lit.”

“That’s not gonna happen, we’re gonna cure you. I’m gonna cure you.”

“Why do you even care, it’s not like I’ll stick around. I’ll be dead before you need reading glasses.”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re all gonna live forever and I’m either gonna die in 50 years or lose my mind in Shadowfell, hiding from their sorry excuse for a sun!” Hardwon stood up and started to storm away, but she held him back.

“Is that what this is about? Are you upset because elves and halflings live longer than humans?”

Hardwon pulled his arm from Moonshine’s grasp.

“Just leave me alone Mooney, and don’t get too attached. I won’t be here much longer.”

“Hardwon please don’t talk like that, you can’t leave me here.” She chased after his storming stride, following him away from the glow of the fire.

“How could you possibly want this around?” Hardwon gestured at himself, “I’m a pale freak. A bloodthirsty monster. I can’t even enjoy your cooking anymore, why do you even want me here?”

“You’re worth more to me than all that junk. I love you Hardwon.”

He paused, debating how she meant that.

“You do?”

When he’d kissed her in the Feywild, he mostly wanted to knock her out of her stupor, but there was also a piece that was itching to feel her lips against his again. Ever since that first kiss back in Ezry. It may have just been for a spell, but the memory of her lips was seared into his. R-cane had nothing on his addiction to Moonshine Cybin.

“Of course I do. I love all four of my boys!”

“Duh. Obviously.” He felt dumb for thinking she could have meant something more. If he had blood, he’d blush in embarrassment.

Hardwon felt his body go heavy, and he dropped to sit on the bare ground.

Moonshine joined him on the ground and scooted so they were facing one another, close enough to feel each other’s breath.

“Hardwon, look at me” Moonshine took her freckled hand and lifted Hardwon’s chin until his piercing red eyes met her magical green ones.

“Mooney, please” he tried to look away, but was already enchanted.

“I love you, Hardwon. Different from Bev and way different from Balnor.”

“Well you and Balnor broke up, so I’m glad you’re getting over him”

“We were never da — that’s not the point.” She grabbed his ghostly hands in his and leaned forward so their foreheads rested against each other.

“I love you, Hardwon Surefoot.”

“I love you too, Mooney.” He wanted to lean closer, but he still wasn’t positive what she meant by her confession. Moonshine loved everyone so much.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. I don’t know what Thiala is gonna do to Bahumia. But I do know I want to spend the rest of my days fighting alongside you. Whether that is as a vampire or as a human or — Melora forbid — as a gnome.”

“You said you’d kill me if I was reincarnated as a gnome.”

“And I will, but that’s because I love you. I want you around,” she dropped his hands and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She whispered “I need you around.”

He grabbed her and returned the embrace. She smelled like cinnamon and sweat. Maybe he did have a chance — she seems to at least tolerate him.

He didn’t pull away, and neither did she. The fire died with nobody tending to it, and Hardwon had definitely abandoned his watch Over the campsite, but this was more important.

“Hardwon?”

“Mmm?” He was relaxed for the first time in days.

“Promise me you wanna live.”

“For you, Mooney. I’ll live forever for you.”

“Good.”

It was complicated, Hardwon could see that. He knew it all along. Moonshine wasn’t a normal woman, and didn’t want the same things a normal woman wanted. Hardwon was used to Gemma and her life plan. Husband, kids, lineage and honor. More important things mattered to Moonshine. She wanted more from life than being MeeMaw and making youngins’. She had spores to spread, fungi to fester, a garden to grow. She had so much more life to live than just finding love.

And there was the small matter of the apocalypse. Hardwon doesn’t want to commit to anything serious either. He has to find 34 women to sleep with so he doesn’t die a liar in the war against Thiala.

He has to find a way out of this curse. They have to save the world.

He softly released his wrap around Moonshine, and stood them both up.

“Someday, Mooney, we won’t remember this. The vampires won’t have their grips on us anymore.”