Alex’s fanblr

For me, the finale took the fandom away from me. And I don't mean that in the sense of the divide, or the resentment or anger. I mean, it's made it difficult for me to reblog fanworks, to read fanfic or even find joy in fanart, and even not feel overwhelming guilt when posting about the almost half a million words I've written on AO3. It's taken the part of my brain that once enjoyed this thing and burnt it to ash.

And I want to support my friends who continue to create art and write stories. I want to compulsively reblog them, scream in the comments when I read/see them and support every beautiful person I've met in this fandom. But I can't. It feels as though when I do it I am enabling an abuser, who made promises, lifted the hopes of so many and then cruelly squashed them.

I know disappointment in fandom is common, either in the creators being found out for being trash, the works being filled with problematic themes and takes or just a shitty ending or downturn. But this feels different. It feels like the monster who created this thing destroyed it in the most vicious way to hurt the fans. It feels cruel and deliberate and very personal.

And my mind can't forgive that, even with fanworks that keep this thing relevant and alive.

And I know, separate the art from the artist, but my joy in it has been so extracted that the logical part of my brain now overshadows the other:

You don't need this anymore. You're lucky you can walk away and it won't hurt that badly.

But it does, because I am walking away from a community that I cherish.