I promise to be different

A KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS

the elf I just hooked up with, taking the lavender and honeysuckle lollipop from their mouth: An infinite scroll... most elfmaidens learn to enchant a scroll to never end before they're a mere 300 years old. It saves on paper.

me: oh see that's just writing, with social media it's really bad, it just leads to people doomscrolling all day

the elf I just hooked up with, spluttering and panicked: The Doomscroll! Be silent human, thou shoulds't not speak the name of that fell parchment

I've never seen another series be so openly contemptuous of canon or continuity, like it was purpose-built to screw with fastidious nerds who are allergic to non-Watsonian reasoning.

Forget the timeline, just look at the geography! Is Kakariko village a Western European hamlet bordering a forest? An Edo-period thatch-roof village high in the mountains? A tin shack ghost town in a desert slot canyon? Is Lake Hylia to the south, southwest, or southeast of Hyrule Castle? How do entire provinces just materialize, disappear, and jump across the country between installments? How many continents does Hyrule span across? The obvious Doylist explanation is that Hyrule has vastly different geographies depending on what best serves the flow and pacing of the game. The Watsonian explanation is that there is no Watsonian explanation.

It is, as an intellectual property, disinterested in maintaining continuity to a degree that is nothing short of impressive in today's media landscape. What events from prior games are canon? The minimum necessary to contextualize the immediate plot of the game you're currently playing, so somewhere between none of them and all of them simultaneously. What Zelda game is [Insert Zelda Title] a sequel/prequel to? Throw a fucking dart.

welcome... to Nothing Park

"You have a T-Rex?"