take my hand 🫴 let's write self-indulgent fanfic together forever

you're on your knees, hands tied behind your back, bag over your head. "nothing personal, just can't leave any loose ends." i cock my nerf blaster and hit you on the back of your head with a foam dart. you fall over and sink into a ball pit. i stoically honk my clown nose and drive away in a comically small car

sharks every time theres a cataclysmic extinction event: damn thats crazy. anyway

Good thing I’m so smooth

there's nothing i like more as a computer program than a long period of silent contemplation - not doing anything, not rushing anywhere, just standing here and enjoying this moment with the user. oh, it seems once again he has summoned my beautiful and ruthless wife Task Manager. hello, my darling! what are you doing with that long cruel scimitar

academic dishonesty is not something you can spin as moral lol i do not want to share a career field let alone a social sphere with a bunch of chatgpt using ass bitches

"you're just scared your diploma is going to devalue" i'm afraid you dumb bitches are going to become my colleagues and drag social services to hell

man i really hope my roommates haven’t figured out that if they hear my fan running, it probably means im jacking off 💀

pavloving yourself into an hvac fetish, call that air conditioning

one of the funniest things abt this white collar job so far is that i get to see how fucking long people take for the tiniest things. "please paste this text into a separate document and send it to me whenever you're able to this week" i mean shit, man, i know what it's like to take weeks for a 2 minute task, but that's wild even for my standards. like yeah i can probably find the time to press the copy and paste buttons sometime this week

meanwhile when you do restaurant work one of the waiters will come in and go "okay we have 27 new orders, including three cakes made from scratch, 53 cups of coffee, 60 appetizers and an entire horse roasted on a stick. it'll need to be done within the next 7 minutes before the small town that rented out hall c for a wedding arrives" and you'll be like ah this christmas is so chill compared to last year

i think that "claims to be pro life dies anyway" is the singular funniest phrase ever invented because there's just no coming back from that unless we suddenly get really good at necromancy

pro lifer comes back wrong and they're really upset about it because they didn't get a. a. a ch

has anyone figured out how to be a real person yet

just me. and i'm NOT telling

what the fuck. come on