this time last year, i was dating someone who competed with me when i made jokes and looked down on me when i was cheerful. soon after, i talked to a guy for a few months, only to realise recently that he has so little respect for me, avoided me whenever i bring something up, to the point that he retraumatised me after undergoing months of therapy over a trauma. i have to lift myself up again, picking up pieces of me he broke after i spent so long putting myself back together.
dating is a ruthless game of covering and uncovering yourself. it is more ruthless if you grew up in an environment that wasnât really safe, where you constantly had to walk on eggshells despite having parents who provided for you. dating is making the decision on whether youâd want to stay with a person, it is a game of choice. everyday you choose.
i told him recently, early in the morning, after crying for an hour--this would be the third breakdown heâd seen me in--that when i met him, i knew what i didnât want in a partner.
i donât want someone who avoided conflict--i want someone whoâd communicate and still make it safe for me to talk. i donât want someone who is emotionally unavailable, which meant i had to work on my vulnerability. i donât want someone whoâd make me feel bad about anything in my life. i donât want someone who wouldnât laugh at my jokes. essentially, i discovered that i donât want someone who--even in an inkling--would make me feel unsafe.
when he entered my life, i no longer looked at my list of what i donât want in a partner. when he entered my life, the list formed into a person. that person is him. he is what i want in my ideal partner.
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