#ypaa

adding to the tiny album series: hum’s you’d prefer an astronaut!

I’ve been every kind of alcoholic in recovery. The one who shows up with pens and highlighters with her Big Book, who takes every suggestion, who takes few suggestions, who lies to her sponsor, who is completely truthful, who has 100 service positions and who can barely drag herself to a meeting. The one thing that has stayed consistent is that I kept showing up for myself, my recovery, for service and for the fellowship. I’ve been faced with some of the hardest situations and some of the most beautiful moments in these five years. I got sober at 20. At 25 I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, but I’m no longer as afraid. I have the loving hand of a Higher Power guiding me even when I feel lost. Keep coming back, be gentle with yourself and just show up even when you don’t want to. This recovery thing can’t be done perfectly, but it is worth it more than any drink or drug. I love myself today. I love the gifts this journey has given me. What a beautiful life it is.

I did it you guys! I made it one whole year without even a SIP of alcohol! Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. Being so young in recovery you don't see a lot of other young people and if you do, they don't usually stick around for very long. I'm just so grateful and excited that I made it this far. I'm still not going to meetings the way I should and I was supposed to call my old sponsor but like everything else in my life, I've been putting it off.

Doing the right thing even when it’s the hardest. I left my boyfriend yesterday and while the old me would have stayed for years, given up my dreams for the sake of someone else’s happiness, and become a martyr, God gave me strength to choose myself. It is acting in self-love rather than co-dependency. It is handling the breakup with mutual maturity and respect. It is letting go of the crazy making and the anxiety that came with the breakups before him. I don’t know what the next chapter of my life is, but I know God is guiding me wherever I go. 

It is SO hard for me to be direct. I have my PhD in passive aggressive tactics. Growing up as a woman in a family affected by alcoholism makes me the perfect al-anon. Lately, I’ve been practicing being honest. I usually minimize my feelings or wishes to spare people’s feelings. It’s dishonest of me, but it’s what I’m used to. Not making waves. I’m starting to say no more, starting to express myself even if it’s hard to hear for the other party, and saying what I mean without being mean. It’s like writing with my left hand, it feels so unnatural. Yet, in the long-term, I feel better about myself and my relationships are stable and nurturing instead of chaotic and dramatic. Recovery is so hard, but so worth it.

Dude-I am a selfish fuck 😂 I can laugh about it today, because my actions don’t overtly hurt people like they did when I was drinking, and while the program worked a miracle in me, that alcoholic thinking reigns true! I missed my connecting flight this morning and I legit called the airport to see if they’d hold the flight for me so I could make it. Obviously, they didn’t. I missed both afternoon flights to Reno, and am now waiting for the 1045PM flight. Today I was “stuck” in San Fran, one of my favorite places in the world. I got to go to a meeting in Mission, hang out, read, listen to speaker tapes, join an online meeting, catch up with friends, and have some amazing coffee. God slowed me down before I got to my first PhD interview. How beautiful is this gift that God has given me in sobriety? How amazing is God’s timing? I get in my own way. I am so lucky to have spent the day here, and to be able to recognize my selfishness and self-centeredness. It is a gift to be sober and be alive today.

Life is still life, highs and lows apply to every single human’s life. As an alcoholic, I must know that a drink will not make any bad situation better but only worse. I have worked too hard to be freed from the mental obsession of alcohol and the spiritual malady I walked into AA with. Recovery is worth it, life is worth it, even if it doesn’t feel like it my life now is always second to none compared to the life I was living in my alcoholism.