I need to yell about something, so feel free to scroll on past. ADHD brain revelation incoming.
So, I had a minor epiphany today. One of those βoh no, this explainsΒ everythingΒ about the last year of my lifeβ moments. And Iβm spiraling a little bit, so congratulations to everyone following me for being dragged along on this psychological field trip. π
For context: I started ADHD meds late last winter. Iβve made a couple posts about that journey already, but this one isβ¦ different.
Before meds, one of my biggest struggles with writing was getting my thoughts onto the page. Iβd be excited about an idea, start writing it, then my brain would jump ahead and mentally finish the whole story before I actually finished writing it. And once my brain was βdone,β Iβd get bored and drop the project. Thatβs why I had so many abandoned fics.
But once I started meds and finallyΒ couldΒ write again, I also stopped being able to read the way I used to.
Iβve always been a voracious reader. Like βteachers side-eyeing me because I finished a whole book during silent reading timeβ levels of voracious. I haven't stopped reading entirely, but it suddenly got so much harder. I chalked it up to this idea that I had a βwriter mode brainβ and a βreader mode brain.β When I was writing, Iβd notice everything: comma placement, sentence rhythm, crutch words, structure. And it made reading slower. I thought I just couldnβt do both modes at once. I assumed it was a skill-shift thing.
Fast forward: over the last year of writing, Iβve gotten way better at technical stuff. Betas pointed things out (comma splices! repeated words!) and I started catching more on my own. I figured the improvement was just practice and feedback.
And then today it hit me like a truck:
My brain used to move too fast toΒ seeΒ the technical details.
It wasnβt that I didnβt know them. It wasnβt that I wasnβt paying attention. My brain literally did not slow down enough to register them. I wasnβt catching my own repeated words or sloppy punctuation because my thoughts were already several sentences ahead of what I was typing or reading.
The medication helps me focus and it slowed my brain enough toΒ notice these things when I read and write. I can put thoughts in order instead of sprinting to the ending and getting bored.
Itβs not βwriter modeβ vs βreader modeβ like I thought.
ItβsΒ medicated brainΒ vsΒ unmedicated brain.
During the day, on meds, my brain slows down enough to catch technical stuff, so I write better, but reading takes more effort because Iβm actuallyΒ processingΒ every detail. But at night, when the meds wear off? I can suddenly read fast again because my brain is back in absorption mode, skimming over details instead of registering them.
So now Iβm sitting here going: holy shit. I have been misinterpreting my own creative process for an entire year.
Itβs not that I couldn't read at the speed I used to. Itβs not that writing turned me into a picky reader. Itβs not that my βmodesβ were incompatible.
Itβs just chemistry.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk while I completely reframe my understanding of how my ADHD brain works. π€―
