#writer mode

So, I had a minor epiphany today. One of those “oh no, this explains everything about the last year of my life” moments. And I’m spiraling a little bit, so congratulations to everyone following me for being dragged along on this psychological field trip. 🙃

For context: I started ADHD meds late last winter. I’ve made a couple posts about that journey already, but this one is… different.

Before meds, one of my biggest struggles with writing was getting my thoughts onto the page. I’d be excited about an idea, start writing it, then my brain would jump ahead and mentally finish the whole story before I actually finished writing it. And once my brain was “done,” I’d get bored and drop the project. That’s why I had so many abandoned fics.

But once I started meds and finally could write again, I also stopped being able to read the way I used to.

I’ve always been a voracious reader. Like “teachers side-eyeing me because I finished a whole book during silent reading time” levels of voracious. I haven't stopped reading entirely, but it suddenly got so much harder. I chalked it up to this idea that I had a “writer mode brain” and a “reader mode brain.” When I was writing, I’d notice everything: comma placement, sentence rhythm, crutch words, structure. And it made reading slower. I thought I just couldn’t do both modes at once. I assumed it was a skill-shift thing.

Fast forward: over the last year of writing, I’ve gotten way better at technical stuff. Betas pointed things out (comma splices! repeated words!) and I started catching more on my own. I figured the improvement was just practice and feedback.

And then today it hit me like a truck:

My brain used to move too fast to see the technical details.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know them. It wasn’t that I wasn’t paying attention. My brain literally did not slow down enough to register them. I wasn’t catching my own repeated words or sloppy punctuation because my thoughts were already several sentences ahead of what I was typing or reading.

The medication helps me focus and it slowed my brain enough to notice these things when I read and write. I can put thoughts in order instead of sprinting to the ending and getting bored.

It’s not “writer mode” vs “reader mode” like I thought.

It’s medicated brain vs unmedicated brain.

During the day, on meds, my brain slows down enough to catch technical stuff, so I write better, but reading takes more effort because I’m actually processing every detail. But at night, when the meds wear off? I can suddenly read fast again because my brain is back in absorption mode, skimming over details instead of registering them.

So now I’m sitting here going: holy shit. I have been misinterpreting my own creative process for an entire year.

It’s not that I couldn't read at the speed I used to. It’s not that writing turned me into a picky reader. It’s not that my “modes” were incompatible.

It’s just chemistry.

1. Writing like a caffeinated genius at 2am.

BLOG Entry #2: Never Forget. | CGM

Never Forget.

I didn’t know why, I stood up from bed and decided to write these thoughts. I think I should and must express these before it disappear, or my “drive to write” disappear.

I was about to sleep and was listening to Da-iCE. “Kimi Iro” was playing. The room was silent and the only thing I could hear was the clear sound of my headphones. Every beat and the shifting of the sound from right ear to left were evidently loud and detailed. The voices of the vocalists, the instruments, and the electronic tunes/pattern were crystal as well. “Fantastic!” I said, mentally. “I really love this song.” (I must have said this a million times in my head to all Da-iCE songs – haha!) And then, that feeling came back. I remembered.

Never forget.

I could never forget that feeling when I started to like and appreciate Da-iCE songs.

December 2017.

The time I discovered Da-iCE was when I was looking for the translated meaning of MEN ON STYLE’s “Kimi Iro Paretto”, in which Fukushi Sota (one of my fave Japanese actors) “was” a member of. Right on Google search, instead of “Kimi Irio Paretto”, “Kimi Iro” of Da-iCE appeared. I was caught for a moment and clicked the music video for a while. After listening for about a minute, my initial reaction was, “This song is good.” But, because Da-iCE was dressed in colorful jackets then, I was not that fully impressed (though I really like those jackets now). I thought they were just another boy band displaying kawaii-ness (only).

And then, a month after, I was delved into J-pop, influenced by my classmate who likes Hey! Say! JUMP. I got curious and was desperate to search for good and great J-pop artists. I don’t know what had gotten into me that I searched for a “K-pop VS. J-pop” in YouTube, but maybe it had something to do with the fact that I’m a bit of a fan of K-pop too. Right there, for the second time, I encountered Da-iCE. I was literally like, remembering, “I know this group!”

“Tonikaku HEY!” was on the list then.

I am originally and generally oriented to acoustics and melodious pieces (that’s why I was late appreciating too much “pop-pop” – I found some pieces too noisy for my taste) but I was hooked. I fell in love. Plus, the visual and concept of the MV were undoubtedly great! (I am an Architecture student. I am really into aesthetics).  To make it short, Da-iCE caught the kind of pop I was looking for! We matched!

Right there, I searched for their songs and streamed through Youtube and Spotify, and realized that there’s not a single song of Da-iCE that I dislike. “Goodness! Their songs are getting better and better!”.

Then, I tried watching videos of their past interviews, that although I couldn’t understand a sentence, I still tried to.  I realized then, that I LOVE LOVE every member of Da-iCE, that much I couldn’t pick an ichiban from them. I thought my ichiban would be Yudai, but then, Sota laughed, Toru giggled, Taiki laughed out, Hayate giggled, and then back to Yudai. It was kind of confusing (until now) but it was a lot better for me. I don’t want to pick a favorite (maybe, just for now). I love Da-iCE, and Da-iCE is equally THE FIVE of THEM (plus the “a-i”s).

Never forget.

There was magic right there and then when I was riding a bus (going to Pampanga – a province in the Philippines) and everyone inside was deep asleep and it was midnight. The moon was bright (I promise it was), the sky was clear, and there was nothing on view but rice fields and the plain road. On my headphones was Da-iCE, playing.

Da-iCE’s rhythmic pattern combined with the natural ambiance of the silent night –

Magical.

Every beat was heard.

Every rise and fall of Sota’s and Yudai’s vocals was appreciated.

Even the supposedly faint voices of Taiki, Toru and Hayate as back-up singers were surfacing.

There was one conclusion: I LOVE Da-iCE SONGS and…