Sam Hazeldine as Eredin

Im so utterly disappointed at Netflix for what they did to Eredins design in Blood Origins (who is that skinny lad) And I heard that Sam Hazeldine is cast as Eredin already (AND AS ADAR IN ROP)

I've been screaming about this with @toss-a-coin-to-your-lesbian and @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account for like days so you've heard of chef!geralt, now get ready for geralt ramsey because I've been watching way too much hells kitchen and kitchen nightmares

-so geralts a witcher. been alive since like the middle ages.

-but the monsters got few and far between and he dabbled in some careers before going to culinary school

-jaskiers especially surprised that he's good at it cause he remembers geralts tasteless campfire rabbit from 1238 thank you Very much

-also no one knows how old he is

-someone asked him on twitter once

-he said “852″

-everyone thought he was joking

-but anyway geralt somehow becomes this Really Good Chef

-hosts hells kitchen, masterchef, masterchef kids, kitchen nightmares, all of them and owns all the restaurants has his fancy lil michelin stars okay he's Good

-everyones scared of him

-he wears his hair in a bun, pen behind the ear

-arms crossed, usually scowling 

-wears a black jacket instead of chefs whites cause jaskier says it makes his “hair pop”

-intimidating To The Max

-but he's secretly the biggest softie

-but no one really knows it

-cause if you undercook his scallops? oh man you're gonna get it

-jaskier kinda thinks its hot

-speaking of jaskier

-hes one of the hosts on great british baking show

-valdo marx is the other

-No One Knows That Jaskier And Geralt Are Together Much Less Married

-jaskier makes them get married in a new place every time it becomes legal there

-geralt hates it but he puts up with it cause it makes jaskier happy

-but anyway

-no one knows they're together

-jaskier cant cook to save his life

-hes essentially the joey batey baking video irl

-every time he cooks geralt says a prayer that he won't get food poisoning

-like gordon does on kitchen nightmares

-jaskiers specialty is dino nuggets

-geralt pretends to hate them but he loves munching them after a long day

- “if word got out that a 16 michelin star chef liked dino nuggets id be done for julek, how dare you even suggest such a thing”

-one time on kitchen nightmares he lets it slip that he has a husband

- “even my husbands food is better than that!!” 

-and immediately goes “fuck”

-the whole internet is like you're MARRIED???? you're GAY??????

-cue hunt for the elusive husband

-jaskier thinks its fucking hilarious

-lambert teases him relentlessly

-there are many theories

-but alas, no one guesses the host of gbb

-one time

-its one of their many anniversaries 

-geralt forgot cause by this point they have at least 150

-that night on hells kitchen he goes “listen up. my husbands here tonight. its our anniversary. don't fuck this up.”

-everyone (including contestants) tries to figure out who the husband could be

-but they cant

-the only person of any remote significance is that hist of gbb sitting in the red kitchens vip booth

-eventually tho it Does come out

-in like

-the most ridiculous way possible

-theres this big fire in one of geralts restaurants 

-on the night he happens to be there

-everyones pretty much fine

-but geralt (along with most of the other kitchen staff) inhaled a fuck ton of smoke

-jaskier shows up just as geralts hacking and trying to sign the waiver to refuse care

-cause hes a “fucking witcher, jaskier. ive survived way worse with your slapdash first aid and back room healers i don't need modern medicine” 

-jaskier is Beside Himself

-meanwhile everyones like tf is the host of gbb doing here

-jaskiers arguing with geralt and everyones like :o cause you Don't do that

- “dear heart. you can’t breathe. you are GOING to the hospital if i have to drag you there myself!”

-everyones like....dear heart????

- “julek-”

- “no! you're my husband!! i fucking care about you, you oaf! modern medicine was invented for a reason!!!”

-everyones like oh. oh my god. that's him. that's the fucking husband.

-and geralts just like

- “i used to fight monsters i can survive some sm-” and then he just starts coughing

-and jaskiers like. instantly soft as heck. 

- “cmon dear heart, lets go talk to the emts, alright? I know you can survive without their help, but it would make me feel so much better if you listened to them.”

- “....fine”

-and jaskier gives him a forehead kiss and wraps his arm around him

-everyones Shocked

-cause it was bakeoff dude all along????

-geralts kinda annoyed 

- “now i gotta share you, julek”

- “there's enough of me to go around”

- “hmm”

- “if you're so annoyed we could always stage a divorce. we can afford one, we are legally married in like 16 countries”

- “no, jaskier”

-lambert teases them about it

- “really geralt? no one had Smoke Inhalation on their betting list for how the world find out you were together! now what are we supposed to do? the pool was like a million bucks!!”

-geralt ignores him

-but after it comes out

-jaskier occasionally surprises geralt at work

-and everyones So Shocked that grrr mean chef geralt is actually so soft with his husband??

-and jasper also talks about geralt on bakeoff 

-he tells cute stories

-Witchers can knit. Okay, hear me out my friends, basic knitting skills were a common enough skill for a long time and you can’t tell me it’s not a useful skill on the path 

-units of measurement vary between countries and regions: at some point Geralt is excitedly shoveling oats into a cask because “You don’t understand bard, that price is for Novigrad stones”

-Jaskier/Dandelion has a set of prized manicure tools that he uses to keep his nails the perfect shape and length for plucking/strumming. He’s been known to entice Geralt into having a full manicure set when shit gets really stuck under his nails.

So Witcher but as Real Houswives of Kaer Morhen. Because I can’t get it out of my head. But as a headcanon thingy.

Imagine. 

(On Ao3 now because why the heck not I dont wana lose it xD)

Outside of the big town of Cintra there is block after block of fancy houses. This one is named Kaer Morhen. 

Yennefer and Geralt are married, but in the house next to theirs moves this little boytoy.

Aiden works as the blocks pool boy, and he quickly becomes Jaksiers best friend.

Eskel and Triss are having a bad marrige, struggling real hard behind the scenes, but they show nothing.

So Triss seduces Yennefer.

And Geralt is very much trying not to spy on the very cute neighbour.

Lambert is Jaskiers gardner, and he hates Aiden with a passion. Until he doesn’t.

Vesemir and Tissia live together, they are not married nor in a relationship, but they are like a foster family? They have adoptive children and children who lives with them from time to time to get support from their regular chaotic life.

Yennefer is really mad abou the children, her lawn is in danger for crying out loud. But then she meets Ciri. and she is absolutely melting for her.

Slowly, Triss and Yennefer realize that there is more than sex going on. They are falling in love with each other.

Geralt sees it. He sees his wife falling in love with Triss and out of love with him, and he is so kind about it. They have a very tough conversation and they end up splitting up. They are still friends.

It doesn’t go as well for Triss and Eskel. They have a huge blow out, yelling and screaming. Triss and Yennefer ends up moving in together, and Eskel is alone in their big house. As revenge, he buys a hoard of goats and lets them live in the garden.

The children are playing a new game; “where are the goats today”, and Eskel might be encouraging some of them to uh… move the goats to get them where they are not supposed to be.

Eskel gets offered to take care of a little one that lost her mother. She is small and weak, and he makes her sweaters and names her Lil Bleater.

But she really isn’t well, and in the middle of the night he is forced to let go of his anger and pride and he runs to Triss and Yennefer's door.

Triss opens, and Eskel is crying with the little goat in his arms, begging to see Yennefer, who used to be a vet.

She does help him, and Eskel sits in their kitchen, head in his hand, being a wreck.

But Lil bleater gets better, and in the morning she eats from the bottle she refused before. 

They are all three reluctantly somewhat friends again.

But the goats are still everywhere. Because he can.

And now Geralt is free to deal with… whatever it is he feels for the boytoy Jaskier. Lambert and Jaskier started out as having a thing, and Geralt being his closest neighbour sees them making out everywhere.

Jaskier is of course interested in Geralt from the moment he lays eyes on him, but he doesn’t seem to realize Jaskier is hitting on him.

Geralt only realizes men are allowed to love men when he sees Lambert and Jaskier kiss real tenderly the first time.

It makes him feel things he can’t really place, but he does some googling and he lears a ton of new things. After that, he starts to see that Jaskier is flirting with him, and Jaskier is absolutely delighted when Geralt gets flustered.

(at some point there is a block festival with a pride theme that Jaskier makes them arrange. Eskel makes sweaters for all the goats with all the flags. The children loves it, and it is very chaotic. Ciri especially, who is crushing hard on Cerys, Lamberts niece. (and Crach is Lamberts brother, because we can) and Geralt and Ciri are bonding because they don’t know how to deal with their crushes)

Lambert and Jaskier start out as a fling, but it becomes clear to them both that this is more or less to make someone else jealous. For Jaskier, it is to tease Geralt, to show him what he could have, now that he is single. And for Lambert, well. It is to show Aiden that… he doesn’t know what, but that will teach him. 

And Aiden keeps smirking at him knowingly, and it drives Lambert out of his mind. 

Until it drives him into the pool shed, on his knees, doing what he absolutely haven't been thinking about for months. 

Jaskier finally gets Geralt, but it is by pure accident. It was raining? And he somehow got locked out of his house, thanks to the goats most likely, and Geralt let him sleep in his house. 

Jaskiers pretty hair was sticking to his face, his fancy shirt ruined. Jaskier barely even flirted with him, but when he was warm again, dressed in one of Geralt's shirts and swept in a warm blanket on the couch, Geralt reached in and kissed him. 

It was so gentle and sweet that Jaskier ached, their eyes searched each other before they were leaning in again. They fell asleep wrapped around each other, and for the first time in a long time, Jaskier felt like someone wanted to keep him. 

At some point before Eskel and Triss breaks it off, there is a BBQ where Jaskier is big time flirting with Geralt, and Yen and Triss are sneaking off. Regis, the “head of the block” and his two wards/sons, Valdo and Detlaff are also there, stiff and in full fancy garb. Valdo hates Jaskier with a passion because of his freedom, and they might end up friends at some point?

Philippa is there too, she lives next to Regis on the outskirts of town, she works with wildlife restoration. She is very very taken with a wonderful lady no one has ever seen. 

Detlaff is a real brat and doesn’t want her noisy, smelly house in their block, but Regis is adamant she stays. The nature around them has never looked better, and that is thanks to her and the goats.

Sabrina and Istred are married, and Sabrina is the biggest Karen you have ever seen. Almost bigger than her boobs. Istred work all the time (and is smitten with Yennefer, everybody knows, and Sabrina gets sooo passive agressive around her) and is rarely home, and Sabrina is just the biggest gossip around.

Letho is the milk man.

And he loves goats...... 

—

As first-time Witchers on the path, Geralt and Eskel were expected to spend a whole winter on the path, returning to the keep in the winter of their second year. It was a way to guarantee their survival in the elements, particularly in the event that they didn’t make it back to the keep by the time winter came in the following years. Typically, Witchers would find shelter at the home of a contractor, attempting to save contacts from nobles or others with estates until the Autumn, and instead of taking coin, they ask for a warm bed and food for the harsh season. If the estate owner has any sense about them, they’ll accept the offer, seeing it as a better deal than being asked to pay with their savings.

That was how Geralt found a house for his first winter, although the temple in Rivia was more modest than an estate. The residents were excited to have a guest, even if it was only for the winter months. Geralt did his fair share of work in the temple, labor tasks and chopping wood for the fires, tending to the plants in the nursery and using his knowledge to keep them alive throughout the season. He impressed the priests and priestesses with his skills, and after slaying the pair of nightwraiths on the temple grounds, they were happy to have him. He couldn’t have asked for a better place to stay— although he wouldn’t have minded if a certain other Witcher had come with him…

Eskel had taken a different approach to working through winter, employing himself as a partial monster hunter, partial cook in Skellige. He fit in well, filling out his muscular frame with warm winter fat, spending his mornings clearing the beaches of the main island of sirens and drowners, then his afternoons and evenings under the watchful eyes of the cooks in Kaer Trolde. Within his first month he had made lifelong friends out of fishermen and warriors alike, and by the end he was greeted like family. But at night, his thoughts were elsewhere— a warm fire, hair like moonlight, and a home up in the mountains…

Both parted from their retreats full to the brim with compassion, lessons learned, stories to tell, experiencing the joy to be found in the simplicity of support from people who cared about them, even if for only a few months. They loved their temporary families fiercely, although they were just that— temporary.

Now it was time to get back to the job that Destiny had set out for them. To strap on their swords, and turn back down the Path.

—

Awaaahhh. Something a bit nicer, yeah?

Cute Wolf Witcher HC: