geralt ramsey
I've been screaming about this with @toss-a-coin-to-your-lesbian and @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account for like days so you've heard of chef!geralt, now get ready for geralt ramsey because I've been watching way too much hells kitchen and kitchen nightmares
-so geralts a witcher. been alive since like the middle ages.
-but the monsters got few and far between and he dabbled in some careers before going to culinary school
-jaskiers especially surprised that he's good at it cause he remembers geralts tasteless campfire rabbit from 1238 thank you Very much
-also no one knows how old he is
-someone asked him on twitter once
-he said “852″
-everyone thought he was joking
-but anyway geralt somehow becomes this Really Good Chef
-hosts hells kitchen, masterchef, masterchef kids, kitchen nightmares, all of them and owns all the restaurants has his fancy lil michelin stars okay he's Good
-everyones scared of him
-he wears his hair in a bun, pen behind the ear
-arms crossed, usually scowlingÂ
-wears a black jacket instead of chefs whites cause jaskier says it makes his “hair pop”
-intimidating To The Max
-but he's secretly the biggest softie
-but no one really knows it
-cause if you undercook his scallops? oh man you're gonna get it
-jaskier kinda thinks its hot
-speaking of jaskier
-hes one of the hosts on great british baking show
-valdo marx is the other
-No One Knows That Jaskier And Geralt Are Together Much Less Married
-jaskier makes them get married in a new place every time it becomes legal there
-geralt hates it but he puts up with it cause it makes jaskier happy
-but anyway
-no one knows they're together
-jaskier cant cook to save his life
-hes essentially the joey batey baking video irl
-every time he cooks geralt says a prayer that he won't get food poisoning
-like gordon does on kitchen nightmares
-jaskiers specialty is dino nuggets
-geralt pretends to hate them but he loves munching them after a long day
- “if word got out that a 16 michelin star chef liked dino nuggets id be done for julek, how dare you even suggest such a thing”
-one time on kitchen nightmares he lets it slip that he has a husband
- “even my husbands food is better than that!!”Â
-and immediately goes “fuck”
-the whole internet is like you're MARRIED???? you're GAY??????
-cue hunt for the elusive husband
-jaskier thinks its fucking hilarious
-lambert teases him relentlessly
-there are many theories
-but alas, no one guesses the host of gbb
-one time
-its one of their many anniversariesÂ
-geralt forgot cause by this point they have at least 150
-that night on hells kitchen he goes “listen up. my husbands here tonight. its our anniversary. don't fuck this up.”
-everyone (including contestants) tries to figure out who the husband could be
-but they cant
-the only person of any remote significance is that hist of gbb sitting in the red kitchens vip booth
-eventually tho it Does come out
-in like
-the most ridiculous way possible
-theres this big fire in one of geralts restaurantsÂ
-on the night he happens to be there
-everyones pretty much fine
-but geralt (along with most of the other kitchen staff) inhaled a fuck ton of smoke
-jaskier shows up just as geralts hacking and trying to sign the waiver to refuse care
-cause hes a “fucking witcher, jaskier. ive survived way worse with your slapdash first aid and back room healers i don't need modern medicine”Â
-jaskier is Beside Himself
-meanwhile everyones like tf is the host of gbb doing here
-jaskiers arguing with geralt and everyones like :o cause you Don't do that
- “dear heart. you can’t breathe. you are GOING to the hospital if i have to drag you there myself!”
-everyones like....dear heart????
- “julek-”
- “no! you're my husband!! i fucking care about you, you oaf! modern medicine was invented for a reason!!!”
-everyones like oh. oh my god. that's him. that's the fucking husband.
-and geralts just like
- “i used to fight monsters i can survive some sm-” and then he just starts coughing
-and jaskiers like. instantly soft as heck.Â
- “cmon dear heart, lets go talk to the emts, alright? I know you can survive without their help, but it would make me feel so much better if you listened to them.”
- “....fine”
-and jaskier gives him a forehead kiss and wraps his arm around him
-everyones Shocked
-cause it was bakeoff dude all along????
-geralts kinda annoyedÂ
- “now i gotta share you, julek”
- “there's enough of me to go around”
- “hmm”
- “if you're so annoyed we could always stage a divorce. we can afford one, we are legally married in like 16 countries”
- “no, jaskier”
-lambert teases them about it
- “really geralt? no one had Smoke Inhalation on their betting list for how the world find out you were together! now what are we supposed to do? the pool was like a million bucks!!”
-geralt ignores him
-but after it comes out
-jaskier occasionally surprises geralt at work
-and everyones So Shocked that grrr mean chef geralt is actually so soft with his husband??
-and jasper also talks about geralt on bakeoffÂ
-he tells cute stories
-i just love this au and i could talk about it for hours okay















