#chef!geralt

I've been screaming about this with @toss-a-coin-to-your-lesbian and @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account for like days so you've heard of chef!geralt, now get ready for geralt ramsey because I've been watching way too much hells kitchen and kitchen nightmares

-so geralts a witcher. been alive since like the middle ages.

-but the monsters got few and far between and he dabbled in some careers before going to culinary school

-jaskiers especially surprised that he's good at it cause he remembers geralts tasteless campfire rabbit from 1238 thank you Very much

-also no one knows how old he is

-someone asked him on twitter once

-he said “852″

-everyone thought he was joking

-but anyway geralt somehow becomes this Really Good Chef

-hosts hells kitchen, masterchef, masterchef kids, kitchen nightmares, all of them and owns all the restaurants has his fancy lil michelin stars okay he's Good

-everyones scared of him

-he wears his hair in a bun, pen behind the ear

-arms crossed, usually scowling 

-wears a black jacket instead of chefs whites cause jaskier says it makes his “hair pop”

-intimidating To The Max

-but he's secretly the biggest softie

-but no one really knows it

-cause if you undercook his scallops? oh man you're gonna get it

-jaskier kinda thinks its hot

-speaking of jaskier

-hes one of the hosts on great british baking show

-valdo marx is the other

-No One Knows That Jaskier And Geralt Are Together Much Less Married

-jaskier makes them get married in a new place every time it becomes legal there

-geralt hates it but he puts up with it cause it makes jaskier happy

-but anyway

-no one knows they're together

-jaskier cant cook to save his life

-hes essentially the joey batey baking video irl

-every time he cooks geralt says a prayer that he won't get food poisoning

-like gordon does on kitchen nightmares

-jaskiers specialty is dino nuggets

-geralt pretends to hate them but he loves munching them after a long day

- “if word got out that a 16 michelin star chef liked dino nuggets id be done for julek, how dare you even suggest such a thing”

-one time on kitchen nightmares he lets it slip that he has a husband

- “even my husbands food is better than that!!” 

-and immediately goes “fuck”

-the whole internet is like you're MARRIED???? you're GAY??????

-cue hunt for the elusive husband

-jaskier thinks its fucking hilarious

-lambert teases him relentlessly

-there are many theories

-but alas, no one guesses the host of gbb

-one time

-its one of their many anniversaries 

-geralt forgot cause by this point they have at least 150

-that night on hells kitchen he goes “listen up. my husbands here tonight. its our anniversary. don't fuck this up.”

-everyone (including contestants) tries to figure out who the husband could be

-but they cant

-the only person of any remote significance is that hist of gbb sitting in the red kitchens vip booth

-eventually tho it Does come out

-in like

-the most ridiculous way possible

-theres this big fire in one of geralts restaurants 

-on the night he happens to be there

-everyones pretty much fine

-but geralt (along with most of the other kitchen staff) inhaled a fuck ton of smoke

-jaskier shows up just as geralts hacking and trying to sign the waiver to refuse care

-cause hes a “fucking witcher, jaskier. ive survived way worse with your slapdash first aid and back room healers i don't need modern medicine” 

-jaskier is Beside Himself

-meanwhile everyones like tf is the host of gbb doing here

-jaskiers arguing with geralt and everyones like :o cause you Don't do that

- “dear heart. you can’t breathe. you are GOING to the hospital if i have to drag you there myself!”

-everyones like....dear heart????

- “julek-”

- “no! you're my husband!! i fucking care about you, you oaf! modern medicine was invented for a reason!!!”

-everyones like oh. oh my god. that's him. that's the fucking husband.

-and geralts just like

- “i used to fight monsters i can survive some sm-” and then he just starts coughing

-and jaskiers like. instantly soft as heck. 

- “cmon dear heart, lets go talk to the emts, alright? I know you can survive without their help, but it would make me feel so much better if you listened to them.”

- “....fine”

-and jaskier gives him a forehead kiss and wraps his arm around him

-everyones Shocked

-cause it was bakeoff dude all along????

-geralts kinda annoyed 

- “now i gotta share you, julek”

- “there's enough of me to go around”

- “hmm”

- “if you're so annoyed we could always stage a divorce. we can afford one, we are legally married in like 16 countries”

- “no, jaskier”

-lambert teases them about it

- “really geralt? no one had Smoke Inhalation on their betting list for how the world find out you were together! now what are we supposed to do? the pool was like a million bucks!!”

-geralt ignores him

-but after it comes out

-jaskier occasionally surprises geralt at work

-and everyones So Shocked that grrr mean chef geralt is actually so soft with his husband??

-and jasper also talks about geralt on bakeoff 

-he tells cute stories

PART 1

since everyone enjoyed the first round so much....

inspired by seasons 2&3 of kitchen nightmares and conversations with @toss-a-coin-to-your-lesbian and @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account

don't worry there Is a fic in the works :)

-geralt gets food poisoning all the fucking time

-that is when he's doing kitchen nightmares

-cause have you seen the shit on that show?? its nasty

-and contrary to popular belief, geralt does Not have an iron stomach

-no he might be able to eat unseasoned meat and gross tavern food but Somehow he had not gained immunity to bad meat and moldy food

-hes trying to though

-but anyway

-he regularly gets food poisoning while filming the show

-even despite his prayers to not

-he carries around a bottle of pepto bismol with him at all times

-he doesn't particularly think that it works

-but the looks on the owners faces when he downs it in front of them after eating their food is Priceless 

-most of the time

-jaskier is not with him when he films cause jaskiers busy bake off hosting

-but

-occasionally

-he will tag along

-these nights usually result in geralt puking in some random hotel and jaskier going Full Feral Bard

- “geralt i think that its very nice that you see the potential in these places but i will not tolerate them giving you food poisoning”

- “hmm”

-he leaves all the places that give geralt food poisoning bad yelp reviews

-jaskier loves yelp

-geralt absolutely hates yelp and he hates that jaskier does this because “I'm trying to improve the place not further drag it through the gutter”

-jaskier does not care

-he had had to make 4 separate yelp accounts because geralt keeps deleting his

-so far his names have been susan, leslie, tabitha, and trish

-people online start to notice a Trend

-whenever geralt flips a place, a Really Bad Yelp Review turns up, usually within the same week it was filmed and they all reference food poisoning 

-and they all are written in this weird flowery language

-at first people think that geralt himself is writing them

-a few seasons in after geralt slips up that he has a husband people start to Speculate that the husband is writing the reviews

-jaksier is overly smug

-geralt tries to get him permanently banned from yelp

-it does not work

-geralt also has a Big Watch

-like I'm talking a thick silver rolex kinda thing

-wears it all the time

-jaskier got it for them for one of their big anniversaries

-750? geralt doesn't know and certainly doesn't remember 

-but its very nice

-the back of it has an inscription 

-its says dear heart

-geralt will never admit it though

-it looks frighteningly out of place next to his spare hair tie but oh well

-he also still wears his medallion

-tucked under his shirt

-sometimes people ask him what it is

-he claims that its a Bad Food Detector

-also on the chain are two rings

-one of them is one of jaskiers

-he gave it to geralt as a sort of promise ring way back when when they first got serious

-the second is geralts wedding band

-he doesn't wear it very often cause he's Chef but he still likes to have it close to him

-hes used the same one at every single one of their many many marriage ceremonies 

-the ring itself is hella fucking old

-jaskier probably bought it at Ye Olde Marketplace back in like 1370 cause he was sappy and geralt said he liked it and saved it for years and years until they officially got married

-geralt has a knife on him at all times

-its not a kitchen knife either

-its one of his old hunting knives

-spelled to look like a pocketknife 

-its very useful for poking at food he doesn't want to eat

-and besides, old habits die hard

-also in this au

-idk why

-but i picture this geralt as having the face scar that game!geralt has

-no one knows where he got it

-theres many many stories

-theories range from wrestling a bear to a kitchen nightmares gone wrong

-after they are officially Out

-everyone asks jaskier

-at first he's annoyed

-cause “why do you need to know? he's beautiful either way”

-but then he decides to have some Fun with it

-when he's hosting bakeoff he’ll say shit like 

- “oh be careful with that flambé, that's how geralt got that scar.”

- “don't go flipping knives around like that! bollocks that's how geralt nearly lost his eye!”

-or geralts personal favorite

- “see this is why we don't leave banana peels in the kitchen! have you ever wondered where geralt got that scar from? he slipped on one and flew into the counter!”

-such an event did happen actually but it was at kaer morhen and it was a prank pulled by lambert during the winter of 1298

-but all geralt got from that was a black eye and he dyed all of lambert's small clothes pink

-the season that jaskier happens to say that one though is the season where lambert is competing 

-cause i don't know if i mentioned this but lambert can't cook but he can Bake and in this au he goes on bakeoff and purely to annoy the shit outta jaskier

-lambert is so caught off guard about the banana peel story that he nearly drops his finished technical challenge 

-later on that day lambert finds a box in his hotel that contains a pair of pink underwear

-(geralt sent them)

-i could go on forever about this but this post is long enough as it is

tagging some people that seemed really interested in the first round of hcs (hope you don't mind. if you do mind lmk and i’ll take you off) also i guess there's a tag list for geralt ramsey now so if you want on...shoot me an ask?