#ttc update

I don’t trust anyone but the surgeon. It’s a super invasive surgery so that makes it even worse. They likely wouldn’t allow @theglowstickchronicles in the OR to supervise everyone to make sure no shady shit happened.

Hubby, surgeon and I mutually decided not to do surgery at this time. I will go forward with IVF first & if no result after 2 cycles then I can try surgery.

Today’s not a good day. All the excitement of starting this new part of our journey is starting to wear off, and be replaced my fear. What if my body can’t do this? What if it hurts (and it will hurt)? What if I can’t do this?

My anxiety has been manageable for so long now I think I really convinced myself I beat it. But here it is again, beating me.

I’m scared. I am fucking terrified. I am mad that I even have to be someone who has to go through this.

I’m not religious so sometimes I feel like I find this all even harder than most. Nothing to shift the blame on to, or turn it in to a positive for. There is no one “testing me” or “giving me as much as I can handle”. It’s just the cards I have been dealt and they fucking suck.

Update: my period came the next morning. I took a second test which obviously said "not pregnant."

I have 6 more weeks to wait until I find out what other tests they want to do.

Eight weeks until I get a plan.

I don’t think there is a sentence I hate more. 

I don’t think I have ever heard more flawed logic than this. You don’t get that football scholarship without trying hard and getting good grades. You don’t get that promotion without proving you have what it takes. You don’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. 

So why would I, someone diagnosed with infertility, suddenly get that bundle of joy when we stopped trying? Not focusing on it isn’t going to make me ovulate better. Not trying isn’t going to get anything fertilized (I mean, we have to TRY to even have the possibility of that happening, I’m not the Virgin Mary.)

Our pregnancy has a 2% of happening naturally according to our fertility clinic. Two. Percent. And that’s with trying. 

And to be honest, after 3 years we are tired of trying. I am tired of ovulation tests, I am tired of temperature checks, we are tired of losing the fun of intimacy. I am tired of being left to symptom spot, get my hopes up, and then ultimately be let down.