#makingourrainbow

Today is my husband’s birthday and it was also the day we had our mandatory counselling session. 

I will admit I was very nervous for this. Just the idea that this was another hurdle we had to pass seemed daunting. The scariest thing about infertility is how out of my control the whole process seems to be. It took us years of advocacy and work to get a referral to our fertility clinic, it took years of trying and waiting, and negative tests (and some positives that never quite worked out). It took so many lab tests and procedures and ultrasounds. I hated the thought that someone could spend 60 virtual minutes with us and say “No, I don’t think you’re ready.”

Luckily, that wasn’t the case. Our counselling session was amazing and I feel like we got a lot out of it. It forced us to sit down and really highlight the appreciation and admiration we have for one another. And it felt really rewarding to hear her say that she thought we were going to be amazing parents, and that she wished us the best with the rest of the journey. I plan to use her services throughout the rest of our fertility journey and in to motherhood. I’m not always the quickest to open up, but she made it easy. 

This Thursday is our final consent appointment with our Doctor. From there we will get official information on what our next steps are to start our IVF cycle. I can hardly wait! 

It took me a long time to accept that the loss of our first child wasn’t my fault. I beat myself up for months about it, wondering if it was something I ate, or something I did. I was so careful once we found out we were expecting. I did everything every article online said I should; no medications, no scented/unnatural soaps, no hot baths, no heating pads, etc. I deprived myself of so much during those weeks trying to be extra careful to make sure this baby would stick. But life, especially pregnancy, doesn’t work that way I have grown to find out. 

Once I was able to accept this, it was easier to accept trying again. Each negative pregnancy test hurt though. So I stopped taking them. I’d wait at least a week past my expected period date, and tell myself I would test in the morning the next day. And each time, like a cruel joke, my period would rear it’s ugly head taking any hope out of the morning. Leaving me wondering if my cycle just suddenly wasn’t normal anymore, or if there were more losses than I cared to acknowledge. 

What no one tells you about trying to conceive is that the “trying” and the testing gets old. Real quick. It gets disappointing, dreadful and exhausting. The resentment starts to build up again, but that’s when I look for stories. Other stories give me hope and remind me that I am not alone in this. They remind me that my time will come, even if it isn’t naturally or maybe biologically isn’t my own. 

IVF Information Session is done. We were told we are most likely looking at starting our first IVF cycle in March (this is much sooner than I expected and I am over the moon about that)! 

Also did more lab work this afternoon. This is the THIRD time they are testing my Anti-Müllerian hormone numbers (egg count). Hoping that the clinic finally gets the results this time. Third time is the charm, right?  

Our counselling session is next week. Then we will finally meet with our Doctor, sign the final consent forms and get our official cycle start date! 

Holy crap. Here we go.

CD1 has arrived and that means we are finally “locked in” to our treatment timeline. Now it is just a waiting game until the 8th to get my baseline blood test.

Once those results are in I am to start Estrace until my next cycle begins. The 5th week of March we will officially start our IVF cycle, with injections most likely starting around March 15.

The week of March 22 we will be going in to the clinic every second day for ultrasounds/bloodwork.

Final consent appointment is done! We have officially signed our lives away to the process and got our official IVF start date!

I don’t think there is a sentence I hate more. 

I don’t think I have ever heard more flawed logic than this. You don’t get that football scholarship without trying hard and getting good grades. You don’t get that promotion without proving you have what it takes. You don’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. 

So why would I, someone diagnosed with infertility, suddenly get that bundle of joy when we stopped trying? Not focusing on it isn’t going to make me ovulate better. Not trying isn’t going to get anything fertilized (I mean, we have to TRY to even have the possibility of that happening, I’m not the Virgin Mary.)

Our pregnancy has a 2% of happening naturally according to our fertility clinic. Two. Percent. And that’s with trying. 

And to be honest, after 3 years we are tired of trying. I am tired of ovulation tests, I am tired of temperature checks, we are tired of losing the fun of intimacy. I am tired of being left to symptom spot, get my hopes up, and then ultimately be let down. 

Home pregnancy test :)