They say that bad things come in three’s, but I think that might just be our way of hoping that once three really bad things happen, we’re through the woods and there are better things coming our way. Unfortunately, life very rarely sends us divine signs that things will get better or worse - and if you think on your own life hard enough, you might be tempted to string a series of three events together that don’t bode well and say; the worst is over. That’s probably it.
This story starts on a Saturday at the end of October of 2018. My husband TJ and I had just traveled back from Orlando Florida for his older brothers wedding and we had worked the obligatory first week back at work post-vacation. Like most weeks it had stretched on endlessly and I had woken every day praying for the weekend. TJ had fallen asleep the night before on the couch and had left for work that Saturday without waking me. This meant that I had slept by myself, stretching in the bed with the dogs and had turned my alarm off. I had made plans to do nothing except lay around with the fur babies and maybe go grab some lunch if I felt like getting out of the house.
You know that saying about making plans right? “Make plans and God laughs?” I don’t particularly believe in those types of things, but in this case I might make an exception.
The sun was barely peeking through the bedroom curtains when my phone started ringing. I leaned over the bed and looked at the time. Eight in the morning and my mother in law was calling. I groaned and let it ring. I’d call her back when I got out of bed. Maybe in an hour. She’s a morning person who, if I’m being honest, I can imagine shitting rainbows first thing no matter the weather or life circumstance. I, on the other hand, need coffee or tea and generally no social interaction for at least an hour when I wake up in the morning.
The phone stopped ringing for a few seconds and I let out a sigh of relief. Then it started ringing again. This time I let out a sigh of resignation. If you know me well, you know that the best way to reach me if it’s an emergency is to call back-to-back like this. The last time she called like this, they thought TJ’s sister had been kidnapped, but that’s another story altogether. I picked up the phone and my stomach dropped.
Groggily I answered, “Hey Mom, whats up?”
“Hey honey,” her tone was not cheerful. In fact it was shaking, like she had been crying, “ Dad and I can’t get a hold of TJ and we’ve tried a couple of times. Listen, I don’t want to alarm you but TJ’s grandpop in Philly has been in an accident.”
Well. Now I was awake. Who needs coffee right? “Oh no, Mom what’s going on? “
“Well, last night he went to walk into the garage and he fell down the steps. They’ve admitted him into the hospital and he’s in a coma. He’s got a brain bleed and they’re not sure how long he’s got.”
I sat up in the bed and threw the covers off of me. “OK mom. Let me go get TJ. We’ll be there. I’ve just got to see what the cost of a plane ticket will be or if we’re going to drive. TJ’s at work and I’ve got to call mom and see if she’ll watch the dogs.”
“Honey are you sure? You guys don’t have to do that.”
“No mom, TJ will want to be there. I want to be there. We’ll make it work. Are you guys flying down?”
“Yeah, Tom is talking to the airports now to see about going out tonight and I’m packing now.”
“OK Mom. I love you. I’m going to get off of here. I’ve got to get dressed and go get TJ. “
“OK honey. Just let us know. I love you.”
I hung the phone up and stumbled through the hall, letting the dogs into the back yard. I opened my contacts and called my little brother.
“Hey bubby, I need a favor, can you get on your computer and see if you can find me and TJ a cheap flight to Philadelphia PA? It’s an emergency and something is going on with his grandpa.”
“Yeah let me see” he paused and I could hear him clicking in the background, “It looks like around $800. “
“OK, that’s probably not an option, we’re probably going to have to drive. I love you, I’ve got to talk to mom, but I might need you to come stay with the dogs while we’re there. Would that be okay? “
“Okay bubby, thank you, I love you. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hung up again and let the dogs back in. My heart was pounding and I hopped in the shower trying to think about how I was going to tell TJ. He was going to be devastated. He hadn’t had a chance to see his grandpa since we’d been together some eight years. We’d always planned to make a trip to visit so that I could meet them. Life has a funny way of always making you put off the things you really shouldn’t. Like family.
As I dried myself off and threw on clothes, I knew this was going to be hard for him. I knew that I would have to be extra strong for this. I don’t do well when people around me are upset. When someone I care about cries, I can’t help it. I cry too. I took a few breaths and gave myself a few moments to cry and then told myself that I was going to put those feelings in a box and deal with them later.
I grabbed my keys and drove to Tire Discounters, where he worked. There was a line at the counter of people when I walked in. It was rainy and I wondered but was thankful that he had chosen to ride his motorcycle to work today. He looked at me from across the counter and gave me a questioning smile and I shook my head. I gestured for him to finish what he was doing and he furrowed his eyebrows in concern. I stood at the back of the showroom and my stomach did an uncomfortable somersault. He finished talking to his customer and I walked out front of the shop.
“I need you to go to your boss and tell him you’re leaving. Trust me, we need to leave now.”
“Babe, what’s going on?” he said, and he grabbed my hands trying to intuit what’s wrong.
“Babe, your grandpa has been in an accident, and we need to make a trip to PA right now. They’re not sure how long he has. Your mom already tried to call you and couldn’t get a hold of you.”
His face paled and he said, “Yeah my phone was dead, it’s been on the charger.”
“We can talk about it more when you’re off the clock babe, please, go let them know that we’ve got to go. Now.”
“Okay babe.” and he turned and walked back into the shop. I stood out front and waited. Anxious. Shortly later he walked back out to me.
“I’m going to ride my bike back to the house with you”
“Babe I don’t think that’s a great idea, I don’t think you should be riding in your condition.”
“No i’ll be fine. I’ll be careful, you can follow me.”
My stomach was turning and I could tell he wasn’t going to listen to me. There really was no point in arguing with him when he got like this. Besides, I didn’t want to argue with him and make it worse.
“Okay babe if you’re sure.”
I got in the car and pulled it around back. Shortly later he walked up to the drivers side window and said “The guys won’t let me ride the bike. I gave them the keys and they’re going to pull it into the garage while we’re out.”
“Okay babe that’s fine. Let’s get out of here. We need to pack.”
And I told him about the brain bleed and his grandpa. As the minutes went on he got quieter and paler. “I already looked at flights and it’s going to be way too expensive to fly. It’s about a thirteen hour drive. I’ve already let your mom know that we’re going to be there. I already talked to Trev a bit about watching the dogs. I want to talk to mom and fill her in. “
After that we drove in silence and got back to the house. We packed in a flurry of motion and I crossed my fingers that I had everything we would need. I kissed my dogs goodbye and we drove to my mom’s job at Meijer. Sometimes, its easier to explain things in person. As I knew she would, she said she’d take care of our dogs and make sure everything was fine. She made me promise to call when we got there and to keep her updated.
We filled up the gas tank and got on the road. It was the longest thirteen hours of my life. TJ insisted that he would drive because he needed something else to focus on. We talked about everything except the fact that his grandpa was on a ticking clock.
“So, “ I said as we waited in traffic, “ you know what we should probably talk about?”
“The fact that I could just … stop taking my birth control and we could start trying to have a family together.”
He paused for a moment giving me the first grin i’d gotten from him in around five hours, “Someone very smart once told me that she didn’t like making big life decisions in moments of tragedy.”
“Well, whoever she is, she sounds like a smart lady.”
“One of the reasons I married you dear.”
We learned that when his grandpa fell his brain got squished about two inches to one side and he was looking at a life of being kept on the ventilator permanently if he regained consciousness, which was unlikely. His grandma and grandpa had been together for something like fifty years. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose someone that crucial to me after a long life together.
Finally, after what may have been the longest road trip of my life, we made it to the hospital. His parents had called us as they touched down at the airport. We sat in the parking lot for a moment and I grabbed TJ’s hand and squeezed.
“I’m here babe. Just tell me what you need.”
“I know you are. But I don’t know what I need.”
We got out of the car and his parents met us in the lobby. It struck me in that moment how similar they looked standing side by side. His mom rushed forward and gave us both tight hugs. I could tell she had been crying and she was torn between the excitement of getting to see us much sooner than expected and the bad situation we were here for. We all huddled in the elevator together in silence. The smell of hospitals has always made my stomach turn and this time was no exception. I know they’re clean but it’s like right under the surface all that grossness is being masked by the smell of antiseptic.
TJ gripped my hand tighter as we entered the hospital room and pushed the divider curtain to the side. His aunt and grandma were sitting on each side of the old man. Tubes were shoved down his throat and I could see his yellowing teeth. The constant beeping of his heart monitor beeped out of time to the weirdly loud click-click-click of the clock on the wall. His face was spotted and sagging and his head was taped where I assume the doctors shaved his head. All I knew really was that TJ had let go of my hand and was grasping his grandma tightly. I was next. I hugged her and through strangled sobs she said, “It’s so nice to finally meet you dear. I just wish it was sooner.”
I was at a loss. What do you say to someone who’s in the process of losing the most important part of their life? Especially when you’re meeting them for the first time. We all sat around and his grandma clutched the rosary in between her hands and her husband. It’s at this moment that I realize that even though I grew up raised every other weekend as a Catholic, I didn’t have a clue about this part. When finally all the grandkids and children show up that grandma made the hardest decision. That she was going to remove her husband from life support. That we would all sit with him in his last moments as he passed from this place to the next.
The doctors said that he could die right then or it could take hours and some people fight for days. At some point TJ’s parents pull us out of the room and tell us that we don’t have to stay for this part. That we don’t know how long this will take. I tell them that we’re going to be here as long as we can and as long as we’re needed. They protest and I stay firm. Finally TJ tells them that it’s important to him that he’s here and we’re staying and they don’t argue anymore.
When the doctors start turning off the ventilator it gets even more quiet for a brief moment. Then grandpa starts making this rattling noise deep in his chest. It sounds like his lungs are slowly filling as he’s trying to breathe. It’s a wet rattling sound that, when combined with the shaky recitation of “Hail Mary” and the wailing of his grandma, gives me the chills. It sounds morbid, but in that moment I pictured myself fifty years down the line, sobbing over TJ’s body. TJ’s grandpa hung on for several hours. We all waited and sniffled until the heart monitor made the sound that we were all waiting for and simultaneously dreading. You know the one. If this were a television show, you’d see nurses running in at the sound of the flat line and rushing everyone out of the room. But this wasn’t a television show. After a few moments - a nurse came in and shut the rest of the machines off in silence.
We ended up staying in PA for a week because his grandpa hadn’t made any arrangements in the event of his death. This meant that we watched in silence as his grandma dealt with her mortality by choosing things like plots and stones and hymns. For the sake of this stories expediency I’m going to skip the funeral and the week that led up to it. It was lovely and sad. All you really need to know is that I spent the week trying to find interesting distracting things to do for TJ and I.
Fast forward to two weeks into November of 2018. I am getting back to work again. It’s a Monday morning and I look down and notice that I have accidentally taken the first two weeks of my birth control backwards. Some quick Googling tells me that I need to get a new pack immediately and start over and make sure to wear protection for the next few weeks to be safe. I walk into the bedroom with TJ and sit down next to him as he ties his shoes.
“What’s up?” he responds groggily.
“Well, it’s funny, because I accidentally took my birth control backwards and I wanted to let you know. At this point I can either go try to get a new pack or I can stop taking it altogether and we can see what happens. I know we’ve had a lot going on but I really haven’t changed my mind about being ready to start a family with you.”
He leaned against me and gave me a slow groggy smile. “Me either. I’m ready to start that part of our life too.”
So, even though 2018 hadn’t been the greatest on our wallets or family, I walked into the new year thinking that it would be our greatest year yet. We were ready to make our family a little bigger and it would maybe add a little morale boost for TJ.
