TBH? Instead of telling people who have infertility trauma (and are taking it out on others) to “just adopt”, we should be telling them to get therapy. Having a baby in your custody does not magically fix trauma and it can often worsen it. Going from struggling with infertility for years and having multiple failed rounds of IVF directly to fostering and/or adopting another person’s child is actually not an ideal situation for anyone involved. That very specific breed of anti-abortion weirdo who is like “I cannot carry a pregnancy to term so you should not be able to abort your unwanted pregnancy.”??? Never ever suggest they adopt an already born child out of the system, they don’t want a child, they want a working uterus and to punish people with a working uterus who aren’t using their own. We handle people struggling with infertility with kid gloves and I agree they deserve grace but so many people struggling with infertility have deeply unhealthy beliefs and views about parenthood and themselves and we need to acknowledge having a baby will not fix that and they need to worry about that more than they’re worrying about finding a vulnerable pregnant woman to give them her baby.
I cannot say I know what it is like to struggle with infertility and desperately want to carry a child that is my own flesh and blood. I do know what it is like to have my body be unable to do things I want it to do that everyone else’s body seems to be capable of doing and that is a deep trauma that lives within me. There is no quick fix to that.
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A new study found that 14 of 20 women had successful uterus transplants, and all 14 went on to have at least one baby.
"The first modern attempt at transferring a uterus from one human to another occurred at the turn of the millennium. But surgeons had to remove the organ, which had become necrotic, 99 days later. The first successful transplant was performed in 2011 — but even then, the recipient wasn’t immediately able to get pregnant and deliver a baby. It took three more years for the first person in the world with a transplanted uterus to give birth.
More than 70 such babies have been born globally in the decade since. “It’s a complete new world,” said Giuliano Testa, chief of abdominal transplant at Baylor University Medical Center.
Almost a third of those babies — 22 and counting — have been born in Dallas at Baylor. On Thursday, Testa and his team published a major cohort study in JAMA analyzing the results from the program’s first 20 patients. All women were of reproductive age and had no uterus (most having been born without one), but had at least one functioning ovary. Most of the uteri came from living donors, but two came from deceased donors.
Fourteen women had successful transplants, all of whom were able to have at least one baby.
“That success rate is extraordinary, and I want that to get out there,” said Liza Johannesson, the medical director of uterus transplants at Baylor, who works with Testa and co-authored the study. “We want this to be an option for all women out there that need it.”
Six patients had transplant failures, all within two weeks of the procedure. Part of the problem may have been a learning curve: The study initially included only 10 patients, and five of the six with failed transplants were in that first group. These were “technical” failures, Testa said, involving aspects of the surgery such as how surgeons connected the organ’s blood vessels, what material was used for sutures, and selecting a uterus that would work well in a transplant.
The team saw only one transplant fail in the second group of 10 people, the researchers said. All 20 transplants took place between September 2016 and August 2019.
Only one other cohort study has previously been published on uterus transplants, in 2022. A Swedish team, which included Johannesson before she moved to Baylor, performed seven successful transplants out of nine attempts. Six women, including the first transplant recipient to ever deliver a baby back in 2014, gave birth.
“It’s hard to extract data from that, because they were the first ones that did it,” Johannesson said. “This is the first time we can actually see the safety and efficacy of this procedure properly.”
So far, the signs are good: High success rates for transplants and live births, safe and healthy children so far, and early signs that immunosuppressants — typically given to transplant recipients so their bodies don’t reject the new organ — may not cause long-term harm, the researchers said. (The uterine transplants are removed after recipients no longer need them to deliver children.) And the Baylor team has figured out how to identify the right uterus for transfer: It should be from a donor who has had a baby before, is premenopausal, and, of course, who matches the blood type of the recipient, Testa said...
“They’ve really embraced the idea of practicing improvement as you go along, to understand how to make this safer or more effective. And that’s reflected in the results,” said Jessica Walter, an assistant professor of reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, who co-authored an editorial on the research in JAMA...
Walter was a skeptic herself when she first learned about uterine transplants. The procedure seemed invasive and complicated. But she did her fellowship training at Penn Medicine, home to one of just four programs in the U.S. doing uterine transplants.
“The firsts — the first time the patient received a transplant, the first time she got her period after the transplant, the positive pregnancy test,” Walter said. “Immersing myself in the science, the patients, the practitioners, and researchers — it really changed my opinion that this is science, and this is an innovation like anything else.” ...
Many transgender women are hopeful that uterine transplants might someday be available for them, but it’s likely a far-off possibility. Scientists need to rewind and do animal studies on how a uterus might fare in a different “hormonal milieu” before doing any clinical trials of the procedure with trans people, Wagner said.
Among cisgender women, more long-term research is still needed on the donors, recipients, and the children they have, experts said.
“We want other centers to start up,” Johannesson said. “Our main goal is to publish all of our data, as much as we can.”"
Part 2 to More than a Jane Doe, thank you to whoever requested I continue this! I also had a request here to write about endometriosis so I included it in this fic.
Summary: Baby Jane Doe now lives with you and Jack as her foster parents. You wondered if you should finally find out if your symptoms matched up to endometriosis, because you were getting broody.
Word count: 3k?
Trigger warning: mention of infertility, mention of surgery, mature content
“Something smells nice” Jack said as he walked out of the shower, towel wrapped around his hips and you quickly shushed him, pressing a finger to your lips.
“How long has she been asleep for?” He whispered as he wrapped his hands around you from behind.
“Not long” you whispered back, feeling yourself sink into his warm touch “what’s on your mind?”
He turned you in his arms and kissed you deeply, one hand reaching over to turn off the stove. “So many things” he murmured against your lips “but it all depends if you let me…”
You hummed back as you kissed him “I do trust you… so anything you want?”
He leaned closer “you sure about that?”
You quickly nodded — too turned on to speak in full sentences.
Jack lifted you onto the kitchen counter in one smooth motion and gently pushed you back until you were lying down. You had put on just a t-shirt specifically for him. His mouth was hot and relentless, and you wondered how long he had waited for this. A sharp gasp left your lips as his tongue dragged slowly over you, teasing, tasting. One of his hands pressed firmly against your stomach, holding you down as your hips tried to arch. “Quiet, baby,” he whispered, nipping at your inner thigh before diving back in. He knew your body perfectly. He noticed every little detail — especially the way your fingers loosened in his hair right after you came.
“Shall I make breakfast for you while you recover?” He teased as he pulled you back up towards him.
You moved off the counter and unwrapped his towel and said “Not yet, sofa?”
He didn’t hesitate to pull you towards him and started kissing your neck, but the crying of Peach quickly made him stop. You let out a small, ironic laugh and put your head against his chest. “I’ll get her, baby” you kissed him and rushed over to the bedroom.
Being newly coupled with a baby wasn’t easy. You were both desperate to keep your sex life alive, but you had to stay quiet. No matter how badly he sometimes made you want to scream.
“Good morning sunshine” you said in your baby voice that you think you had now perfected “did you sleep well? Yeah? You only woke me up like three times which was so nice of you” you giggled as you picked her up “so thank you baby”.
You grabbed the nappy bag and walked back to the kitchen with her, whispering jokingly in her ear “Jacky’s boobies are out if you’re missing mine”. He quickly took her off you and put her onto his chest. It was a dangerously beautiful sight — him standing there shirtless in the kitchen, holding a baby like he’d been made for it. You tried your best not to let your mind wander, but you truly wished this could be your life, for a little while longer.
—
Today was not a good day for you. But as for Peach? She was an absolute angel.
She’d been living with you for a weeks now — weeks of not working but being her full-time foster mom. Weeks of nappy changes, bottle feeds, late-night cries. But weeks of loving her so incredibly much. You didn’t want to let her go so you asked if you could become her foster mom until she found her new adoptive family.
You wanted more time with her, just a bit more time.
You wrapped yourself up in the heated blanket and pushed yourself deeper into the sofa as she slept in her cot. As you felt yourself doze off, the front door opened.
“Hey sweetheart”
You gave him a weak thumbs-up from under the blanket. He let out a soft laugh and said “rough night with little one?”
“No….” you whispered, the word barely making it out. Talking hurt. Everything hurt.
He quickly walked over “what happened? You don’t look well” He put his hand on your forehead, “you’re burning up”
“It’s the heated blanket warming me up, but I feel a hot flush coming on — oh my God”, you quickly flicked it off and felt yourself start to sweat. The sharp, twisting pain in your pelvis made you curl back into a tight foetal position.“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it”
He sat on the floor facing you and brushed your sweaty hair out of your face “period cramps?”
You nodded, eyes squeezed shut “A bad one too”
He leaned in and kissed your forehead then your nose “do you know what else helps with cramps?”
“How are you always turned on?” You let out a tired, playful groan.
“For you… always. It doesn’t help when you send me pictures of you whilst I’m stuck at work”
“Jack it's pictures of me and the baby, and i’m always fully dressed”
“But you have your tank top on and I…” He murmured agains you lips “… see the outline of everything. And then I think of all the things I can do and I have to wait hours before I get home to satisfy you” he kissed again.
“I could be wearing a potato sack and you’d get turned on”
“Baby, I’d be figuring out a million ways to rip it off you” he said, stealing another kiss. He then noticed you weren’t yourself and not in a playful mood “ How bad? Have you taken anything?”
“Bad enough that I’ve been sick three times — including the pain relief”
“Why didn’t you call me sweetheart?”
“You were at work Jack, I couldn’t exactly call you and cry”
“Well of course you can. That’s what I’m here for” he rested his head on the sofa next to you “shall I go get more meds?”
“No, it’s not gonna touch it so what’s the point” you let a few tears run “I think I’ll sleep it off”
“Okay, only if you’re sure. Let’s get you to bed”
He helped you up, but the moment you were vertical, a wave of pain shot down your legs. You wobbled and Jack’s grip tightened around your waist. “You sure it’s just period pains?”
“Positive” you lied.
He helped you to bed and the shivers started again — your body was not making up its mind. Peach was now fussing so he gently grabbed her out of her cot and put her onto his chest.
“You both can stay here; I can do with the cuddle”
You watched him, memorising every detail. She sank right onto his chest and fit perfectly into his arms. It was most likely the hormones, but you didn’t try to hold in your cries. You felt a build of emotions, and it all came crashing down.
“Hey…hey what’s wrong?” He said softly “what’s upsetting you?”
“I’m just emotional and everything hurts. These stupid cramps don’t seem to be going away anytime soon, and I’ve been battling it for days now and —“
“Wh—hat days? You’ve been in this much pain for days? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t feel like complaining, and I’m used to the pain; I work through it all the time”
“Are you sure it’s just period pains, sweetheart?”
You pushed yourself up against the headboard and gently took Peach from his arms, cradling her against your chest. Her warmth and soft baby scent gave you the courage you needed. “No… Jack I haven’t told you everything. But it’s not confirmed, and I didn’t go through with the testing. I think I have endometriosis, and it sucks”
“Baby, that’s not just period pains. Whoever made you believe that is an idiot. Why haven’t you gone for the testing?”
You shrugged “Fear of the unknown, fear of not getting a diagnosis. The surgery…recovery time isn’t easy… and also risk of damage to my organs.”
“And now that we have Peach it got you thinking…” he said quietly
“Exactly” your voice cracked “Jack what if I go in there and they say nothing’s wrong? That it’s all in my head?”
“Then we’ll find another doctor who will find the right diagnosis”
“And what if they don’t find anything wrong?”
“Do you think something is wrong?”
“Some days I think it is just period pains. But then I vomit… and I used to pass out from the pain, but I’ve learned to live through it. The pain isn’t in one location; sometimes it spreads. And it’s not just when I’m on my period…sometimes it’s all the time.”
“And that’s all the proof we need” he shifted closer and wrapped one arm around you, giving you a kiss on your temple “we’ll find the right answers okay? No matter how much it takes”
“What if I can’t have kids?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. But for now, let’s get you a diagnosis. And some pain meds. I’ll go get you some”
“They don’t work” you said defeatedly.
“Are you taking the strong ones?”
You shook your head.
Jack gave you a knowing look “Is it because you don’t want people thinking you’re taking heavy painkillers for ‘just period pains’?” He attempted air quotes, making you laugh despite everything.
“That was adorable Jack, but that’s not how you do air quotes”
He chuckled and shook his head as he left the room.
You turned your attention back to Peach, gently stroking her head while humming a lullaby. Your voice was softer now — you’d gotten much better at this. She gave you a tiny, sleepy smile that melted your heart. And so you cried some more.
“Right, back with….” He had a hand full of things “iced cold water, the best pain meds on the house, some chocolate because it’s 8.30am and why not. Oh, and a hot water bottle”
“Well aren’t I the luckiest girl in the universe” you smiled as you gave him a kiss.
“Now can I please have her?”
“No, she’s mine” you teased, holding her a little closer.
“You get all day with her that’s not fair! Right my turn”
“Aren’t you tired… don’t you need sleep?”
“Shhhh don’t listen to her “ he said as he grabbed her “she’s just grumpy because she’s jealous”
“Hey I’m not jealous!!” You moved too quickly and a sharp, electric pain shot through your pelvis.
He frowned, expression full of concern “When are we scheduling the laparoscopy then?”
“When we don’t have a baby on our hands, Jack”
“I can take care of you both”
“I know you can, but it wouldn’t be ideal. I’d be off my feet for weeks. Social services probably wouldn’t love that.”
He hesitated but asked quietly “Any news on adoption?”
Your heart sank at the question and you quietly said "no"
The truth was, you didn’t want anyone else adopting Peach. You wanted her. The thought of being her mom felt both terrifying and right. But your relationship with Jack was still so new, and you’d jumped headfirst into this with a baby in your arms.
Maybe scheduling the surgery might give you more insight, especially while you had her. You thought of many maybes and didn’t notice yourself fall asleep.
—
It turned out that people looking to adopt babies could be incredibly picky. You were baffled that so many turned Peach down simply because so little was known about her background. No one had any real information about her family’s medical history, and as a doctor, that fact drove you insane.
But their loss worked in your favour because Peach stayed with you longer. Your bond with Jack grew stronger every single day, and somewhere along the way, you stopped caring about your job entirely. She was your main focus.
You both lived with Jack, and he supported you financially without hesitation. It still shocked you how the government expected foster parents to step up while offering almost no financial help. You couldn’t help but wonder how many children were living in awful conditions because of it.
“….and we’ll remove as much as we can” Jack gently put a hand on your knee. You’d completely zoned our at your gynaecology appointment.
“Sorry, could you say that again?”
“I said if we find endometriosis on certain organs, we will remove as much as we can. But if it is severe…we sometimes end up removing organs too.”
“Like a hysterectomy?”
He nodded.
You wished he had an ounce of sympathy saying that.
“What do you think of that, sweetheart?” Jack asked softly.
“Uh…” you pulled the baby closer onto your chest. “I don’t know how to think about it”
“The surgery is in a few days, but we would need you to make the decision soon. If we ….”
You saw his lips move but you really didn’t understand him. Your brain refused to acknowledge that a simple keyhole surgery could leave you with no organs. No uterus. No ovaries. Just empty.
The ride home was quiet and Jack held your hand the whole way home.
“Wanna tell me what’s going in in that beautiful mind of yours?”
“So many thoughts, but none of them make sense”
“Try me”
“Are you sure you want to do this? Be with someone who might never be able to carry your children. That you might adopt a baby you know nothing about, no family history, you don’t even know age or birthday or—“
“Hey hey sweetheart” he gripped your hand tighter “you’re spiralling. This isn’t you. What got you thinking that way?”
“I would want to adopt a baby, of course I would. I would adopt Peach in a heartbeat. I would quit my job and…” you tried to catch your breath as you voice cracked “… and I would just live with her. Take my organs, -— all of them, if it means I get to live a better life. I counted Jack, how many bad days I’ve had this month. I kept a log of all my symptoms. I am exhausted and done” you eventually sighed.
“So do it” he said, a big grin spreading across his face. He glanced at you, then quickly pulled the car over to the side of the road. He turned to face you fully.
You stared at him, jaw dropping wide open.
“Adopt peach and if you let me, I want to do that with you too. I would like a baby, of course I would! But I don’t care where the baby comes from!” He said excitedly.
“You’re crazy”
“Do you see yourself being a doctor, or a mom, or both?”
You were too scared to admit it but said it anyways “A mom, I think….”
“Okay then. Quit your job and be that”
“The foster agency doesn’t pay me enough —“
He titled his head playfully.
“Of course you’d pay for it”
“Attendings make a good wage, you know” he winked.
“I know! I live at your apartment. I’ve seen what type of cheese you pick at the fancy supermarket. But you’re talking about financially supporting a baby and me.”
“I still don’t see the problem. Also its our apartment, and she’s going to be my baby too” he smiled.
“Jack!” you laughed, then quickly glanced back at Peach, who was still fast asleep “You’re talking about having a baby with me.”
“Again… what’s the problem? How long have we been best friends for?”
“A long time but—“
“And we haven’t been dating for too long, but do you see yourself having a child with anyone else?”
“No one in the world” you smiled and wiped your tears. He reached over and gave you a long, deep kiss. “The surgery is in three days, Jack”
“Perfect, let’s call the agency now”
“You are crazy!” You shrieked.
“Baby brain” he tapped his temple and laughed “Also… ’m crazy in love”
You felt your heart skip many, many beats. You whispered as you leaned in “Do you know what would be crazy?”
“Getting married” he whispered back.
“That would be totally crazy”
“But not impossible….” He teased
“One day, Jack Abbot, one day” you smiled and wrapped your hands around him “but for now, surgery and we have a baby to raise, if they let us”
——
You couldn’t bring yourself to decide what you wanted the surgeon to do, so you left the final call in the hands of the person you trusted most — Jack. You kissed him softly, then leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Peach’s forehead. The adoption agency still hadn’t gotten back to you after you put the application through.
You closed your eyes and counted down just like they’d asked you.
You hoped they’d find something wrong, which was difficult to admit. But after years of pain…years of agony. Years of being told it’s the price women have to pay… You hoped they’d give you answers...
And if they didn’t? You accepted that you would keep living with this undiagnosed chronic illness, no matter what anyone said....
You thought of Peach and Jack as you fell to sleep....
—
You opened your eyes and blinked slowly, instantly feeling nauseous. You moved your hands down to your abdomen, which was wrapped in bandages. You weren’t in too much pain but you felt… different.
“Hey sweetheart, you’re awake”
You nodded, eyes finally adjusting. He gently raised the bed and gave you a gentle kiss on your forehead. “The surgeon should be here soon. I’m happy to have you back”
“Happy to be back” you gave him a weak smile. “Where’s peach?”
He pointed at the pram and she was fast asleep.
“There you are — how are you feeling?” The surgeon walked in… far too cheerful.
“Bad” you let out a small laugh “can you tell me if you found anything?”
He looked at Jack first, then back at you, and you hated that you did that.
“We found endometriosis, which had grown onto the ovaries and fallopian tubes. We uh…”
“How bad?”
“It was severe, very severe in fact and…”
He was terrible at giving bad news, you thought.
“So you’ve done a hysterectomy?”
He shook his head. “We removed the majority of it, but unfortunately, there is a risk it’s going to spread again. We…” he looked at Jack again “… decided to preserve your uterus and ovaries for now. There’s still a chance, unfortunately, it is a small one though ... that you could carry a child in the future. We can always schedule a hysterectomy later if the endometriosis returns or the pain becomes unmanageable again. This gives you time to think about it.”
You let out a small broken laugh “well… that’s unfortunate”
The surgeon continued talking about recovery timelines, medication, and follow-ups, but you stopped listening a while ago. All you wanted was to hold Peach. You wondered why a man with such little empathy had chosen a speciality dealing with women’s problems.
“I think we might be done here, doc” Jack cut in as he saw you stare in the distance. He nodded and left.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. They’d asked me when you were in surgery and I thought of the best option for you, and I panicked, and then I thought of her and —“
You squeezed his hand “Jack, you’re spiralling. You did the right thing. I might actually get to live without this constant pain… and I still have a chance if I want a baby. That’s more than I hoped for”
“You got your diagnosis” he smiled as he brushed his fingers through your hair.
“I got my diagnosis!” You repeated, breaking into a real smile this time “Do you think I could get away with ringing all the other doctors that told me nothing as wrong? And that I was being too emotional?”
“We can start with that tomorrow but for now… someone wants to see you”
Peach was slowly waking up so Jack gently lifted her from the pram. She was wearing an outfit you hadn’t seen before.
“Hi baby” you whispered, trying to lift your arms up as much as possible.
“Say hi to mama” he said.
“Who put this outfit on you?” You asked her as he handed it over to you. She wore yellow leggings with a white baby grow that read I go where mommy goes.
You looked up at Jack, who was already tearing up. He gave you a small, tearful nod that said everything.
Summary : A bad news ruins all your hope to build a family one day. But I guess, miracles can happen ?
Warnings : infertility; lots of crying; reader feeling guilty; angst ?; reader’s insecure; mention of sex; FLUFF; no use of y/n; (tell me if i missed some !!); possible grammatical errors
Lillie talks : Joe saying that he wants a family really inspired me for this one !! This is the longest fic i’ve ever wrote but I loved writing it so much and I apologise if i hurt one of you with this ! 💕
English is NOT my first language, sorry if i wrote wrong !! c:
When your gynecologist first told you that you were infertile your entire world fell apart. It was like everything you’d done in these past years would be for nothing. Your husband, Joe, and you worked hard every day just in the hope to start a family one day, just to be sure that you’ll always be financially stable for your kids to grow up healthy. This was all you cared about in your life, your only goal.
You’ll always remember that day, you were sitting in the doctor’s office, your legs were trembling lightly, because somehow you’re always stressed during a medical appointment and imagine the worst things that could happen in your head.
When the doctor entered the office with few papers in her hand, she had that same neutral expression she always wore, a professional one. But this time it felt different and you immediately felt it when she closed the door. The way her smile was slightly different from the usual. She sat down on her chair, swallowing hard and licking her lips before speaking.
“So,” she took a deep breath, “I don’t see anything different from the last few times we saw each other, and-”
You immediately cut her off because you didn’t really cared about what she had to say, you knew you were healthy and had no problem with your body. “Can we skip directly to what’s wrong ?” You said when your legs started to tremble a little more.
She paused and looked at you for a moment, not really sure how she was supposed to tell you this ‘cause she knew. She knew about your dream to become a mother one day and it broke her heart to announce you that, because you looked so excited about becoming one. So she took another deep breath and swallowed again.
“You’re infertile.” Simple, yet completely gut wrenching. At this moment you felt something in your chest, something really hurtful, something you’d never experienced before. It was like your literal heart had fallen to the floor and you weren’t sure if you were strong enough to pick it up back.
You couldn’t even remember what she said next, you simply looked right into her eyes, nodded slowly and replayed her words a thousand times in your head, while she kept talking and explaining things you didn’t care about. Because this one word was enough for you and you couldn’t hear more.
What were you supposed to tell Joe ? He was so excited about the idea of you two becoming a real family. You’d planned everything, their names, what you wanted them to look like, you told Joe that you wanted a little girl with his eyes and hair, and he told you that he didn’t care about the gender as long as they look just like you. The two kids you’d imagined were now just a forbidden dream.
“There’s still small chances for you to be pregnant, but it’s very rare.”
Small chances. Those two words gave you a little hope that maybe you’ll be part of those rare person who are able to have kids even with their disease. But still, small tears peaked at the corner of your eyes, what if you’re not part of these rare person, what if you really won’t be able to realize Joe’s dreams.
When you reached your car the salty tears finally fell down your cheeks. You sat inside of it for almost 30 minutes, hands firm on the steering wheel while hundreds of tears flowed down your face. You kept thinking about Joe, about your future. About the ugly drawings that could have been stuck to the refrigerator, the little shoes in front of the house next to Joe’s big one, or the late-night feedings. Your medical folder sat on the passenger seat, you glanced toward it for a moment causing a small sob to leave your mouth.
Outside your car, people continued living, a mother pushing a stroller passed by. She looked happy, she smiled to her baby. A small laugh that contained no humour escaped your lips before you cried harder again. Guilt settled inside you like a stone, because it was your fault, it was your body’s fault. And because of you Joe won’t be able to have the kids he dreamt about so many times, you suddenly took away the future he wanted and deserved.
After thinking about it for a long moment you finally started the engine and started driving back to your shared apartment. The drive was long, very long. You tried to stay focused on the road even with your blurry vision.
When you finally arrived home, your eyes burned from crying. The second you stepped out of the car your heartbeat fastened. You tried to find a way to announce him that but couldn’t find one. You tried to hide the fact that you were crying, but your eyes were red, your cheeks too and so was your nose, and you kept sniffing.
In the elevator you felt like your heart was going to explode. Your cheeks were full of dried tears. When the elevator reached your floor you stepped out and glanced at the door for a minute before finally deciding to go. You exhaled slowly before opening.
“Hey baby,” Joe said with a huge smile, already up from the couch, “how’s the appointment ?”
You slowly closed the door, swallowing hard before turning around to finally face him. His expression immediately shifted into concern the second he saw your red eyes. You felt the tears coming back.
“Hey, hey, what happened ?” He asked quietly, stepping forward while you tossed your purse aside. His arms wrapped around your waist and he pulled you against him. When your face was finally resting against his chest, you let out a breath you didn’t knew you were holding and started crying again.
Joe looked down at you, confused, then lift your chin to make you look at him.
“I’m so sorry.” You whispered between two sobs.
“For what ?” He asked still confused. His hand was now resting on your cheek, thumb brushing the tears away.
You sniffed quickly, “I’m infertile.” you said quietly, watching his expression shift. His hand moved to your hair as he exhaled slowly, pressed your head against his chest before leaning down to kiss on top of your head and inhale the scent of your hair.
“It’s okay,” He mumbled into your scalp, “there’s other ways to do it.”
“I’m so sorry, Joe.” You repeated in another sob.
“You don’t have to be, it’s not your fault..” He said quietly, closing his eyes and stroking your hair with his hand while tears still ran down your cheeks.
When you pulled back he took your hands in his and searched for your blurry eyes. “I know how much you wanted this.. and I just ruined everything.” You said, your voice cracking at almost every word before breaking again. He shook his head slowly, his hands moving to cup your face gently. “I can’t give you the family you wanted.” Your lips trembled.
“You are my family.” Joe said quietly, lifting your head up to make you look at him.
You began crying harder when he pulled you back against his chest, and you fell apart once again. Your hands clutched his shirt while his arms wrapped tightly around you. You could hear how fast his heart was beating.
“It’s gonna be hard,” he started, resting his cheek on your head, “really hard.. but someday we’ll figure out what comes next.”
“What if there’s nothing next ?” You sniffed.
“Then we’ll still have each other.”
You knew Joe was heartbroken but he didn’t show it, maybe it was a way to make you understand that this wasn’t your fault, and that things like that happens in life.
Because this is the whole point, life isn’t always full of highs, in fact, it mostly has lows. And those highs are what matter most. It could be moments you’ll never forget about or some good news you’ve been waiting for so long, but it always will be something that brings a smile to your face no matter the situation. Joe was your high.
Later that night, you sat in silence around the table. You barely ate the dinner Joe made, even though his cooking is your favorite. Sometimes you glanced at him. His eyes were focused on his plate, moving his fork between his food while he swallowed the ones he had in his mouth. He was thinking, about your future and the multiples ways you could have children. He glanced up at you when he felt you staring, your eyes quickly looked back down at your plate. Suddenly he reached for you hand across the table, squeezing it gently and drawing circles with his thumb. It was reassuring.
When you did the dishes after eating, you silently broke again. Tears fell down your cheeks again and you swallowed hard. You felt Joe’s hands sliding around your waist and hugging you tight against him. He left small open-mouthed kisses on your neck.
When you got comfortable in your bed, you couldn’t fall asleep. You kept thinking about it, replaying the words of your gynecologist a million times in your head. Small tears still fell down your cheeks and lend on your pillow. Joe on the other hand was sleeping very deeply.
For a whole hour you stared at the same dark spot in your room. “You' not sleepin' ?” Joe asked quietly turning around to wrap his arms around you.
“I can’t.” You whispered.
“You need to.” His face was buried in your neck.
“I know.”
You don’t remember at what point you fell asleep.
—
The first month after the big news felt unreal. You were still proceeding the thing. You were grieving a dream that could never happen. Some days, you would wake up in the morning and forget. You’d stretched under your blanket and think about your day, before it would came back to your mind. You couldn’t walk through the baby aisle in the grocery store anymore. All those items staring at you like they were judging. One afternoon you found yourself staring at a display of baby clothes. Without realizing tears began rolling down your face. You were mourning someone that never even existed.
Joe only cried once in front of you. The day after telling him you found him sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand, in the middle of the night, as tears fell down his cheeks. You watched him wipe his eyes before taking a deep breath. When he turned his face and saw you, he forced a smile, sniffing. You approached him slowly and sat beside him. Your hand caressed his back before he reached for you and pulled you against him. He quietly fell apart in your arms, face buried in your neck. You watched him cry in your arms for a moment, before crying another time with him.
On the second month you somehow started to convince yourself that Joe deserved someone else, someone that could give him a child. He wasn’t the problem, you were. Joe could have babies, you couldn’t. One night you lay awake watching him sleep. His face looked peaceful when sleeping. You imagined what your kids could’ve looked like. You wondered if they would’ve looked just as peaceful as him while sleeping.
Eventually, you started pulling away from him. Not because you loved him less but because you loved him too much that you felt guilty. You stopped initiating kisses, stopped reaching for his hand and pulled away quickly when he hugged you. You thought you were protecting him from becoming more attached to someone who has ruined his dreams. Joe noticed, of course he did.
“Have I done something wrong ?” He asked one evening.
“No.” You looked down at your plate.
“You won’t let me touch you anymore.”
Your eyes burned, “I just..”
“You just what ?”
You took a deep breath before looking up at him, “You deserve better.” You finally admitted quietly.
The silence afterwards hurt more than anything, he looked at you like you’d spoken a language he’d never heard before. He shook his head, brows furrowed, “I don’t understand.”
You swallowed, “You deserve a wife who can give you children.”
His chair scrapped loudly across the floor as he stood, “I never asked you to give me children.”
“But you wanted them.” Your voice cracked.
“Yes.” He reached for your hand, “Yes I did.” He kneeled down beside you. “But I married you for the better and the worst. And this is the worst.” his voice cracked slightly, “But you know that it always was the better before this.” He took a deep breath, tears began falling down your face for the hundredth times, “What I’m trying to say is that we lived with it for years, and just knowing it can’t change everything between us. I don’t deserve another woman just because you’re not able to carry my child, just because we’re not able to accomplish one of our dream.”
He took your second hand in his, thumbs brushing your knuckles slowly, “You know some dreams are harder to achieve than others and that’s the whole point of life. Work hard for something you really want.” You watched him carefully, listening to everything he said. “I love you. I love you so much i’m ready to give away some of my dreams just to be with you.” A small smile appeared through your tears.
He reached up for you, crashing his lips on yours. It felt like he was kissing you for the first time ever. You smiled through the kiss as one his hand stroked your hair slowly. That night, after two month, you finally had sex with Joe again, and when you both came at the same time, you cried. You cried and smiled and kissed. He held you close all night, whispering sweet nothings as you slowly fell asleep in his arms. It was the first time in these two months that you really slept.
By the third month, you’ve finally started to accept it. Not completely, but enough for your life to feel like before. You laughed more, slept more and spent less time thinking about it. You rarely talked about it with Joe, instead you talked about work, about his next tour he couldn’t wait for to arrive, about the exciting news your boss told you. Your relationship now felt exactly the same as the very beginning of it, the conversation you had brought you closer. You had date nights at some fancy restaurants, you watched a lot of movies together. You did exactly what a husband and a wife should be doing.
By the starting of the fourth month, a huge fever kept you in bed for a week. Your head hurts, you coughed, you were exhausted and you had that pain in your stomach that not even pain meds could erase. Joe was worried, he made his best to take care of you. He came back home from the studio earlier just to make you dinner and help you get into the shower. Sometimes when you were too tired he even washed your back and hair. He cleaned the house, cleaned your clothes. He moved the appointment he had this weekend just to stay home with you.
“You should see a doctor.” He told you on Saturday night while laying in bed behind you, his arms wrapped around your waist.
You coughed quietly, “Yeah I should.”
“You want me to come with you.”
You smiled through your pain, “No, you don’t have to.”
“Okay.” He whispered into your ear.
On Monday you decided to listen to Joe, and go see a doctor. You were at the medical center around 9 a.m., you waited for about 20 minutes in the waiting room. When the doctor called your name, you stood up difficultly. In fact, a new pain had joined the other, a back pain that hit every time you stood up. The doctor examined you like always, usual things he did every time you came here. But this time he couldn’t really determined what you had, he hesitated between the flu, a cold, maybe bronchitis ? He didn’t knew. So he booked you an appointment for a blood test for this afternoon. He said that it was gonna help you know what you actually had.
So around 3 p.m. you got to the hospital, and waited for your turn again. The nurse called you and guided you to a quiet room, before starting to prepare the syringe. And after she’d punctured you she directly sent your blood to the laboratory. You waited for almost an hour, in the same room, for the results. When the nurse walked back in, she was smiling.
“I don’t see anything really wrong, you probably got the flu and maybe a little cold with that.” She stated with a little smile, you simply nodded. “But there’s nothing really severe that could put your baby in danger.”
Your face completely dropped, the polite smile you had on your face disappeared instantly, “What ?” You said barely above a whisper.
Her smile also faded slightly, “Oh. You didn’t knew ?” You shook your head slowly, your heart was beating so fast you were sure she could hear it, “Well, congratulations.” She said, her smile growing back.
You weren’t quite smiling yet, because you were scared. What if it didn’t last ? What if this ended before it truly began ? But your excitement took over you quickly and your vision started to get blurry. But this time not from sadness but happiness.
When you reached your car, you sat inside for a moment, replaying her words a thousand times in your head. Four months ago you were in this same parking lot, in your car, crying because someone had just ruined your dreams in one word, and today you were crying because an other person just revived it with one word too. You even pinched yourself to make sure you weren’t dreaming. You breathed in deeply before starting the engine to quickly go back home, eager to tell Joe.
You could already see him taking you in his arms and crying when he’ll realise that his dream is becoming true. But when you opened the door of your apartment, he wasn’t there, he’d left earlier this afternoon to go to the studio and you had no idea when he was going to be home.
You quickly got the idea to take a pregnancy test, just to make sure that this was real and that you weren’t imagining it. And when the result finally appeared, you cried again at the sight of that single word on a plastic thing : pregnant. You held it with a trembling hand, tears falling down your cheeks again, You jumped in the entire apartment and screamed.
You should’ve probably guessed it because of your menstruation. But you didn’t even realise that your period were late, your cycle had become unpredictable after all the stress the situation gave you. You couldn’t care less now, you had a baby growing in you. Your child, Joe’s child. Your dream, Joe’s dream.
You didn’t stopped crying for the rest of the afternoon. You watched tiktoks of babies, you searched up for baby’s clothes, already imagining it in your arms. You were still worried, actually more than ever, but you couldn’t help and imagined your future already.
When Joe walked through the door, he found you sitting on the couch, eyes swollen from crying. Worry immediately washed over his face as he crossed the room in few quick steps, he reached for you, taking your face in both his hands. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong ?”
You smiled through your tears that began to fall again as soon as you heard his keys. You couldn’t talk, you just handed him the test. He took it carefully, looked at it, then looked at you, then back at it. He stared for so long that you could see the realisation taking over his face.
“Is this.. or am I dreaming.” You slowly nodded, laughing quietly. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. He was slowly processing it.
Your smile faded slowly when you didn’t saw him smile, “I’m worried too.” He glanced up at you, “I’m scared that i’ll loose the baby.”
He slowly nodded, finally sitting beside you. He took your hands in his, “I’m pretty sure that you’ll be good.. and that our baby,” he stopped and smiled, “will be good.” He finally wrapped his arms around you, pulling flush against him. “I love you, baby.” He whispered in your hair.
“I love you too, Joe.” You said quietly.
This night it was just you, Joe and your baby. Maybe tomorrow everything will change again, maybe it’ll happen in a month of two or six, but for tonight, you were pregnant. You carried your dream and that was all that matter. Maybe miracles can actually happens.
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“AI in IVF could be awesome, or it could be terrifying,” Catherine Mills, one of the researchers, tells me from her home office in Melbourne. “So the goal was to try to figure out where it lies between those two extremes.”
IVF is still an emotional, expensive gamble: nearly 3 in 4 cycles fail. In our latest piece, Phineas Rueckert explores how AI is changing the odds—and what could happen if the algorithm goes rogue.
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People are still yapping about Francesca and her infertility plotline in the book and it actually baffles me why its so important to those people for Francesca to have a baby in the end when she could just never have a baby like a lot of women who have infertility issues irl but idk I think accepting the fact you will never have a biological child finding happiness despite that is an important story to portray in media then the more common "woman accepts she cant have children and thats the magical key that lets her finally conceive a child"
something something i've read a few fics that have made me feel things and instead of working on my personal writing i've decided to give you this piece of word vomit that i wrote in one sitting. not edited. i only say fem!reader bc it's geared toward an afab reader. 1.4k words.
fili durin x fem!reader — a babe of his own
tw - infertility
You hadn't the heart to tell him the truth. He loved you, dearly, you knew he did, and yet the words stayed deep inside of you, threatening to spill with every passing minute.
Fili deserved a life of love. That you could give him. You could give him every bit of love, worship, care, whatever—you just couldn't give him that. You couldn't give him a baby.
The prince had mentioned it in passing. You had barely even registered it at first.
Perhaps you should have said something sooner, instead of winding up here, staring him down and at a loss of words.
Your bottom lip trembled as you watched him. "Fili, I—there's something I must tell you," you began, though quickly stopped as you tried to wipe your tears away.
Ever the caring lover, he stepped toward you, gently taking your hand in his. Your name left his lips, confusion sitting front and center.
"What's got you so upset, amrâlimê? What happened?"
Oh, damn him for his soft voice, his kind words, everything that made him Prince Fili Durin, son of Dís and sister-son of Thorin, King Under the Mountain. You would never be able to give him that. A lineage. A piece of himself passed on to another generation of Durin.
Fili's thumb reached forward and gently stroked your bottom lip. "Talk to me," he said, eyes searching yours. "What has you so upset, my darling?"
"Oh, you will hate me so, Fili," you blurted, unable to stop your tears.
"I could never," he retorted, hand against your face, thumb gently brushing your tears away. He leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. "You are the love of my life, are you not? What has you so...?" He trailed off, looking down at you, at a loss for words as your tears only worsened.
"I should have told you sooner," you said, shaking your head and moving away from his hands. "I should have told you when you first told me I was your One, I should have told you and this wouldn't be happening—"
"—what? What is happening? I want to understand," he said, disbelief striking him still. He let you move away, though the hand that touched your face stayed up in the air, waiting for you to take it again. When you did not reach for him, he let it drop.
You needed to just come out and say it. He wanted a babe, but he would never get one. Not from you.
You fought the tremble of your lip. "I'm... I'm not..."
Fili stepped forward, catching your eye.
"I'm not able to give you what you want."
He blinked slowly. His eyes squint ever-so-slightly, eyebrows finding a cinched position as he took in your words. His tongue poked out, wetting his lips as he let out a curt laugh. Not at you, just... a laugh of disbelief.
"What ever are you on, amrâlimê? There is nothing you cannot do for me. I have a whole life waiting with you in tow."
"No, Fili," you said, shaking your head. "No. No, I... I cannot give you what you want. It's not possible."
"Then what do I want, hm? Since you will not tell me what it is. I am not here to play guessing games."
You took in a deep breath, finally catching his eye. You did not look away from him, knowing you looked a downright mess.
"I cannot have your babe."
This stopped him in his tracks. Eyes searching yours, warily tracing your body. His lips part, but no words leave him.
"I cannot have any babe. It is not just yours. It would not matter who I tried with. I... I cannot have children. I cannot have a baby. Fili, I cannot do that for you."
You were spiraling. The high hopes you had set for your future had been squandered by the reminder of your infertility. Something you could curse yourself for, for not telling Fili. For being so secretive with it. But being his One, you thought that perhaps it meant something else, that it would not matter, that—
Fili took both your hands in his. "Look at me."
You shook your head, urging your tears not to fall.
One hand of his kept yours together while his other gently grabbed your chin, forcing you to look him in the eye.
"You cannot have a babe?" he softly asked, wanting to make sure he did not misunderstand you. He hadn't. Disappointment riddled his bones even without the confirmation.
That did not mean he would leave you.
"No," you said, a soft sob choking your voice. You shook your head, attempting to pull away once more.
Fili did not let you.
"Be that as it may," Fili said, frowning softly. "I... do wish you would have told me sooner. I would not have mentioned our babe in such a haphazard way, hm?"
You looked up at him, a lone tear escaping. His lips caught it with a soft kiss to your cheek.
"I would scour all of Middle Earth to find what makes you happiest," he said, voice breaking as he fought his own emotion. Had he truly made you feel as if you could not trust him? "I would kill for you. I would live for you. I would do all of the things you needed me to, if you were only to ask."
"Fili..."
"No, I mean it," he said, letting go of your chin. "You must believe me when I say that you are the love of my life. You... you not being able to have a babe? That is something we can work around. If you would like to be a—be a mother, that is."
"I'm sorry," you said, hands moving from his to gently grab onto his coat. "I should—I should have told you. I should have told you the moment I met you."
"Why would you do that?" he asked, a strong hand covering the one which you held over his heart. "It is not something we discussed. I... we have never discussed a family in full. I did not think it would ever..."
You bit your lip, averting your gaze.
"Ah, ah, look at me," Fili said, nudging your chin with his knuckle.
You looked up at him, sniffling once more.
"I love you," Fili said. "I love you beyond what ails you so."
Your bottom lip trembled, for a completely different reason this time. Fili's eyes widened, but his worries were quickly satiated by your words.
"I love you, too," you said, arms moving to wrap around his torso.
He quickly took you in his arms, burying his face in the crook of your neck.
He was disappointed, yes, but it was merely because he would never be able to see a little you running around the Mountain, calling for their mama or papa in such a sweet little voice. He would never see your sweet eyes on a babe, looking at the two of you with more love than they knew what to do with.
But if he felt that way, he knew it was much worse for you. He knew that everything he felt was amplified in the confines of your heart.
He would marry you, love you, hold you until you could no longer stay in this realm. Baby or no.
Fili pressed a kiss to the top of your head.
A soft noise escaped you as you looked up at him, tears drying up in his presence. The fear you felt only moments ago had diminished completely and only with a few words from the dwarf you loved so.
He reached up and gently cupped your cheeks between his large hands. He pressed a kiss to your lips.
"Promise to me, you will not hide something like this in the future."
"I promise," you said. "I... I'm sorry for not... for..."
"Hush, my love," he chided, kissing you once more. "We will figure out things in the future."
We. You were still his, and he was still yours. Forever and always. Regardless of what you could give him beyond the heart he already held between his pointer and his thumb.
The power he held over you was immense. The same could be said in regards to the dwarf prince who cared so deeply for you, a beauty under the mountain that had long since taken every ounce of love he had ever tried to give.
