#tryingtounderstand

The more I have been reading about adult autism/Aspergers and TBI (traumatic brain injury) I really think a lot of these things describe Seth. I mean most likely it’s a result of his tbi when he was younger, because many of the same attributes and behaviors are the same as autism. From what I read they often have the same symptoms but different causes. All effect the brain. Of course it’s not known what actually causes autism. While looking all that up I read there are some doctors/scientist who think autism could be caused by some sort of brain injury. Personally of course, I have no opinion on that. I have worked with kids in my “previous life” and have worked with many autistic children. Some of my friends have children effected by the condition. Oddly enough I “diagnosed” two of my friends kids with it before the parents had even considered it. One was a good friend from high school and the other was one of my sister’s best friends. I told my good friend but did not say anything to my sisters friend because my sister thought she’d be pissed. Maybe so. Either way, I was right on both kids. Both have done well for themselves.

There was one girl in middle school who I’m pretty positive was autistic. For some reason for two years straight she was in most of my classes. At least all of the classes that they let her main stream in. She had a pretty severe case. There was no sort of socializing with her as she seemed like she was a million miles away. Almost always happy, however. Singing, skipping. I remember the last day of 7th grade everything was chill because there was nothing left to do. The last class we took so many pics... group pics, funny pics, etc. And the funniest thing was that the autistic girl wanted to be in the pics. And she was even making weird faces and poses in the silly one. We let her of course. And the weirdest thing was maybe five years after graduation I saw her walking around town. As I walked by she said “my name” clear as day. I was blown away because I hadn’t had much contact with her through high school and it had been a good while since we’d graduated. I looked at her and said hi (insert name) and we both walked our separate ways.

Jesus f Christ I go on tangents lol.

Anyways Seth does a lot of the things that I see on the characteristics of adults with autism. He’s very into routine and order. He always wants to be prepared and he spends a reasonable amount of time preparing for the next day. He eats almost the same thing every single day. He doesn’t seem to be too good at relationships that are deeper than superficial for the most part. He’s never really had a girlfriend, at least as long as he’s been around here. He doesn’t seem to crave sexual contact or touch too much. But he does occasionally initiate it. He doesn’t really ever want to have sex... although he physically responds to me in a sexual way. He seems to get hyper fixated on things. He spends so much time alone and doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by it. He can go a day or several days without reaching out to me but doesn’t seem to think that’s unusual.

I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating on me. I don’t know when he’d have time. Unless it’s something internet related from his computer. He consistently asks me to come over, do things together. He pays attention and shows me love in actions and concern. He will often caress me lovey.

Whenever I talk to him about serious things he kinda clams up. Like he listens for sure but doesn’t really know what to say. And it doesn’t seem to be like in a malicious manner. When he gets uncomfortable he will make silly faces at me.

The biggest problem with this is that as far as I know he’s never been diagnosed with anything like that. It doesn’t seem anyone thinks anything beyond him being quirky and march to his own drum. Then again, none of these people are trying to be romantic with him.

I just read an article that one of my very best friends recommended to me, and it feels like several previously intangible weird floaty bits of my brain stopped drifting about and decided to assume an actual FORM and show me something.

After reading said article, (I’ll admit I did skim read some bits of it, but hey, that’s allowed) I realised how much I hate the term ‘millenial’, and then I tried to come up with an explanation as to why.

I think, to put it simply, I think that trying to crystallise a whole generation of people in one neat little term such as ‘millenial’ just perpetuates feelings of hopeless and discontent and frustration to the point where the people who actually live underneath this heavy name tag are crushed by its weight. It’s so easy to just load up a label maker and stamp ‘millenial’ on everyone born between 1981-1996 and then, in the future, stuff them all with all of their experiences into a metaphysical box file on some dusty shelf for future social commentators to pore over. 

I don’t know if I hate the term because I AM the term - I fit the bill, wear the profile, have the ever-so-slightly sore sense of ‘I worked really hard and i still can’t afford to buy a house and probably never will’ - or if I have just realised that all of the so-called ‘cures’ to such existential dread such as ‘clean eating’ and ‘meditation’ and ‘bullet journals’ are simply filler not fit to fill the voids I’ve been experiencing when I think about my levels of satisfaction in life.