*Way Beyond The Wonder Years*

Tuesday, 10:49pm

I’ve spent a week and probably 25 hours editing my friends pics. When I finally figured out how to export them I realized I did 48. Once I moved them to my phone and tried to fix things that were off I realized how I intimately shouldn’t have edited more than maybe 5 of them- they are all out of focus besides maybe 3-4. Maybe. They are just so bad I literally have decided not to take any jobs again until I take a photography class. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed.

I’m still not entirely sure what the fuck even happened. I wrote the day I took out that I was ashamed that I reverted to using automatic to take mostly all of them so I’m even more ??? I want to say I must have thought I was in automatic and I wasn’t… But even that doesn’t totally make sense because some of them are different, but equally bad settings. I thought I’d maybe toggled the setting that focuses only on certain parts of the pic by accident but when I went to check my camera it wasn’t the case.

They’re all out of focus and a lot of the poses were not good. But had they been in focus, plenty would have sufficed.

On the computer they looked better than the phone… holy shit.

So I sent her a text saying that they are the worst I’ve ever taken and I’m so embarrassed I can’t even send them all even if I edited them. I will decide on which I can stomach to send tomorrow. Oh and that I did, in fact ruin her engagement ones too. I said I will offer to do them again if she’d like and either way I’d return her money (that I sure could use) because I can’t take money for that shit. I also said that I would absolutely understand if she reconsidered my offer to do her wedding pics even for free.

Like shit anyone could have done better with their plain ass cell phone.

I was so scared and nervous when I went to take the pics Saturday. There was not a single pic I didn’t take at least one in automatic just in case. Most I did auto anyways cause I’m scared of fucking up.

I didn’t look at them all yet and it’s been three days… but Monday I looked through several of them and they all looked in focus so I relaxed some.

It is also an obvious and serious problem that I can’t fucking see right. 90% of the time my contacts aren’t in the right place so at least one eye is blurry if not both. And with the contacts in I can’t see for shit close up… so no wonder I couldn’t tell the pics weren’t in focus when I looked at the little screen. This is a really terrible realization at 45 that I’m not sure I can continue to do things like this if I can’t fucking see. And I never went back to try and fix the contact situation and now I have no job or money to do so.

In editing pics I’ve stayed mostly at home but also that’s my new plan of operation. I won’t be able to afford to go anywhere or even pay all my bills. I have tried to not buy any food or anything, best way to do that is to stay at home. I won’t be able to pay my gas card bill either next month so I need to stop using my card. Downer with not using the card is that gas is considerably more expensive without it.

I’ve felt like a mess and I feel like one now. Out of control. Inadequate.

I fucking hate this shit.

I started to look for jobs and it makes me want to cry to. What do I qualify for? Shit I don’t want to do- caring for others. There were jobs that sounded interesting but they all want a lot of experience in things I have no experience in. Like a lot! I read one office job that wanted 5 years experience and/or college.

And they all ask for fast. Detail orientated. Go getters. AND I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS. None of them. And I’m not sure if I can even lie or fake that shit.

I’m tempted to just give up and I would but I’m very worried about affording the dogs care. That’s really the driving force.

I ran out of concentrate several days ago and only have a small amount of edible I’m not even sure would get me high. I’m trying not to spend any money because all the money I have now is all the money I’ll have until August. And all the money I have is less than 350.

I fucking hate this shit.

And they tried to move grandma to a care home out of the area AGAIN. Whatever excuse they gave for the reason sure ended up going there last time was completely different this time yet still they tried. They say all the care homes up here were purchased by people who only serve private insurance or private pay. Which is absolutely insane considering how poor and remote we are. Like everyone is poor… who are they even filling the places with??

But my mom threw an absolute fit and refused. She flat refused and went hard on the lady and finally they said ok… they’ll send her to a town 25 minutes south of here (same town grandma j is now in) and so we were like ok… that works. But then something worked out even better and she is in our town at the place she’s been more than a couple times.

The place is rated absolutely terrible. But then again everywhere but the rich people places are. But between the whole family we can go on the regular and see her and make sure they are taking care of her.

But I haven’t went even once and she came on Saturday. I have been really just working hard on shit ass photos in Hope to save face but there’s no saving shit.

I will go tomorrow. I hope this doesn’t end up again with me having a hard time making myself go like it always does.

I know my mom feels bad grandma is in there and I do somewhat… but also not because we were already getting to the point where this was too hard. Her balance was so off, a fall really was inevitable and I felt it. She also never thinks she’s home even when she is so? She’s so out of touch I don’t know if it will be traumatic.

We had to say that if she walks we will take her home… and that’s how she got in there. Medicare will pay for 30-60 days of rehab therapy, after that it’s a wrap. If you have Medicaid and nobody picks you up (which is the plan) then they can’t kick them out and Medicaid will take over. But if you own anything at all they’re coming for it. Grandma owns nothing. Shit she has a burial plot and a small life insurance policy she paid for years so her funeral and such will be paid for and they reduced the money in her check for it!! You can’t have shit when you get older if you’re not of means.

Or if you’re disabled like me. I’m not even legally allowed to have more than 2k to my name at any given point. Not that I ever would.

I read how many states have programs that if your elderly parents go into care homes on Medicaid’s dime then the Feds can come and collect from the children at a later date. I read how this one dude was on the hook for 83k from his mom’s care and he has never signed anything at all agreeing. They can go after kids… I believe there’s an exception if your parents abandoned you for 10 plus years when you were a kid.

Can you imagine your druggie ass parents who never took care of you ever and then someday you get a 80k bill for their care?? Like they can seize your relative’s life savings and possessions and if that’s not enough, they can and will come for yours.

I’m overwhelmed thinking of all the editing I have to do with the other pics. But I’m not doing hard core edits on the vast majority of them.

The party was decently fun by the way but I think I thought it would have been more intense than it was. They didn’t even tell me until Friday evening that they did in fact want me. They told me to be there at 530-7… or was it 730? I wasn’t sure but figured 730.

But… the birthday girl wasn’t even there until 45 to an hour after I got there. This is typical for me as most parties run behind so I wasn’t really trippin but most people hire me for their whole party, not just an hour or two.

When it got close to 730 things went over but I’d taken quite a lot of pics. So I got my plate and went to eat and was gonna try and head out. But I was informed there was cake and several other things they wanted pics of. Ok… this is why I try to ask what events are planned?? But when they confirmed on Friday I’d just arrived from the river and didn’t really ask too many questions.

I didn’t leave until 830.. so 3 hours. I’d told her daughter on Friday to just pay me at a date after the party but we haven’t talked about it. Not looking forward to being like well you said 530-730 but I stayed another hour so that will be more. I was happy to hear the birthday girl say she wasn’t in a rush for the pics. But I don’t want to take long.

The river with Danila Friday was very nice and warm. The only fucked up part was my floaty got a huge hole so I didn’t get to float most the time, but I swam quite a bit in the shallow. I was super disappointed to see algae had taken hold and I don’t think that river will be any good for the rest of the summer. Super bummer. Everything was fine on the 4th.

Now that only leaves the swift and larger rivers and with my spasms I’m nervous.

I didn’t go to the gym Friday since I went to the river. Could have gone Saturday but decided to concentrate on pics. I went Monday though and will go tomorrow. Now that I don’t have a job I want to start going in the day more often to avoid all the people I couldn’t avoid before.

OOOOOO something good finally happened- it seems im losing weight finally!! Well i got on the scale and it said 192 😮😮. I haven’t been able to get down past 196 since they switched my meds almost a year ago.

I think it’s because I’m not really hungry lately… which worries me wondering if my thyroid numbers haven’t gotten too low. It can happen when I lose weight but I also think it can sometimes happen. It’s been a huge concern that I lose weight, they lower my meds and bam, fatty mcfat yet again. I told myself if that happens again I fucking quit trying to lose weight anymore. Why bother when it’ll be reversed??

Not sure if the lack of hunger is because thyroid level is lower or if lack of eating from loss of appetite leads to lower numbers that basically put me in a loop.

Another major reason I am suspicious of thyroid numbers is that I’ve come to acknowledge I’m losing hair again. I had kinda been suspicious but tried to make excuses but no- there’s no excuse, it’s falling out at an alarming rate yet again. Is it thyroid? Is in perimenopause? Is it dying my hair too much? Is it the sweatbands I wear at the gym??? Idk but I really, REALLY hoped I was done with this.

Now I can’t afford the treatment. I’ve been filled with dread at the thoughts of going back to the days when dread was a permanent feeling since anything running out is at the risk of permanently not being able to be replaced.

Like fuck.

My hands and arms hurt so bad I can barely type.

I cried yesterday when Seth was outside for like ten minutes cleaning his car when I was out there and he didn’t acknowledge my existence.

Of course it’s a constant back and forth wanting him back in my life but also knowing things are so fucked and never gonna get better. He’s never magically gonna appreciate me and even less ever love me.

Luis keep talking like he’s coming over but it’s been at least a week. I woke up with a text where he asked what time I was home for him to come over. He didn’t even respond when I said probably all day.

Fuck ima go smoke what I scraped and collected from the dabs and hopefully manage to sleep some. I’ve been sleeping like 2-4 hours a night for days and days on end.

Have been waking up at 945-10 though. I wonder if Seth notices me not going anywhere. Probably not. He was washing his car yesterday… not sure if he vacuumed it or not. If he did that means he’s leaving town. It’s getting close to his mom’s bday so he might be planning to go somewhere. Maybe to spread her ashes.

-- Wednesday, 11:55am

And just like that major things changed.

Last night I finally sat down to edit pics (that im extremely disappointed in btw) and I realized my mom had called and left a message and text. Grandma had fallen, they called the ambulance. She thought she was ok but they decided to take her so she was at the hospital. Oh shit.

And all I can think is my poor mom in addition to my poor grandma... mom already spent like six hours at the ER earlier with my dad.

I had that first physical therapy appointment for pelvic floor at 11am yesterday morning. I cancelled my counseling, as ive been waiting for this for so long. As soon as I get there, get like 6 different papers to fill out and glance at my phone for phone numbers for contact info on the papers I see I have several missed calls, messages and text from my mom. In the mix I see something saying it is very important, call asap.

Automatically I think something happened to grandma, but when I glanced at the text interpretation of the voice mail I see it says something about my dad and having a heart attack. And with that my insides jumped all over the place. Well shit.

I excuse myself with the receptionist, saying it seems there's a family emergency that I needed to see what was up. I went outside and called my mom. She said then that she wasn't entirely sure now that he was having a heart attack but possibly another anxiety type attacks he had before. I calm down with that but they want me to come watch grandma so my mom can take him to the er. And im like if it might be a heart attack he needs to go now! An ambulance preferably. She says he doesn't want to.

But im nearly two towns away... it will take me at least 40 minutes to get there. The downer too is Mariana took her car in to get the windows tinted finally so she can't help. Francisco and my sister are definitely at work but ??? My mom said she was gonna call my sister and try to figure out what was up. I said well if you don't think it's a heart attack and an actual emergency then ima go to this appointment. And when im done I will come there. But I will call as soon as im done with the appointment to hear an update and keep my phone on if there was something that got worse.

The appointment took kinda a long time. It was pretty informative and I have stuff to read and try. They then scheduled me like 8 more appointments but never actually asked when I was available, so I then had to fix that. Most they scheduled during counseling.

Afterwards I called and I was surprised and somewhat annoyed that they hadn't done anything and were just waiting for me to come. Like fuck. And I hadn't eaten at all, decided to wait till after. I debated just not eating but then ran through the drive through. I then started to think how I was gonna be up there for hours so I needed to get the dog so he could get all his meds and food. I had to go home.

Then Mariana wanted me to drop her off to get her car and I did and then headed up to my parents. I felt bad taking so long but it obviously wasn't an emergency to them anymore.

And I stayed there until 630... which sucked but ok. I guess they thought he maybe had a blood clot but decided he didn't. There is a test they want him to go take but he can through his doctor.

So afterwards I went home and smoked some and then finally sat down to work on the pics I took Sunday. Around 930 I glanced at my phone and saw I had missed calls, voice mails and text... again. Oh shit wtf.

The messages say grandma fell... they called the ambulance to help pick her up (I feel bad because I think they probably would have called me had I not just been there all that time) but then the ambulance decided they should take her and so she was again at the ER. I felt super bad.

I kept trying to check in but there wasn't too much info. They were doing lots of test. Okay, well thats a good thing. It's super hard to know what the fuck is wrong with someone with late stage dementia. Its hard to know anything is wrong with them. Grandma had been leaning super hard the past couple days... oddly to the right side when usually its to the left. I told mom that if there was nothing they found wrong she probably just fell because of the leaning. Unless the intense leaning to the opposite side was the result of something wrong.

I left the phone on but fell asleep after 3am. Typical time these days but I guess I shouldn't trip since I knew I wasn't watching grandma the next day early, at least. If nothing was wrong and they sent her home then I would come and try to give mom a break for some time.

But when I woke up in the morning at 7am I saw I had a text saying that grandma broke her tibia... which is the longest bone in your leg. The weight baring bone. They also said something was up with her lungs and she had a kidney infection.

What the fuck?? How did we miss so many things??? I kept puzzling over the broken leg but then I was like duh that was from the fall. The kidney infection must have made her more likely to fall. I haven't heard her complain at all about pain- usually she will say things but very fleeting and you have to pay close attention. But I know I havent heard nothing.

She also then added that she needed surgery they thought and I asked for what? I guess the leg. Oh shit. Well... thats that on grandma's time in home care. And thats that on me having a job.

She wont be able to walk after this... maybe not ever. I can't even completely count her out because we've thought a million times that she would not come back from things and she does. But I don't see that happening this time. She's very old... I hear her talking about that a lot lately. For the first time Monday I did start to think maybe we've reached the point where her life is now just bad. Her memory and mind are so bad... shes out of touch with everything. She needs to be instructed or have everything done for her. Im not sure if she finds any joy in pretty much anything.

She still colors, I still have her look at photo albums and such... but she's so distracted she will just stop and kinda daydream off. She does this with drinking coffee and sometimes even eating. Everything is so difficult. I know I would not want to still be living if I was her.

I told Luis we're at the point where if grandma was an animal she would be mercifully euthanized. You have the right to look at your pet and decide that they are miserable, suffering and never going to get better and you can give them relief. I wish that there was something like that and way more common place for people. I know there is assisted suicide and all that, but I was just recently reading how all of that is rarely to ever utilized. The person also has to be of sound mind, which makes it hard when they have dementia or something similar.

I know, without a doubt that if I get a serious diagnosis and see the writing on the wall where im gonna end up like grandma or my other grandma then im taking myself out one way or another. I don't want to suffer, of course, but I also don't want my kids to suffer watching. Or hold off on their lives because they feel obligated to care for me like we have cared for grandma. I will tell them a billion times that no they are not.

Same thing I always say... don't worry about me and im not owed a thing EXCEPT if y'all get rich. Then you better take care of me by paying others to do so. I still will off myself if things get bad though.

So yeah... poor grandma. My mom reported my sister was gonna hang out there and mom was going home to sleep. Good for her. I don't intend to go see grandma today but I will tomorrow. By that time she should be on the mend from her surgery.

They said that she had a nodule of some sort on her lung... but they didn't know anything else about it, but they were concerned. It's my understanding the older we get the more of us who get nodules on our lungs but they aren't necessarily cancerous or anything. I hope that it's not cancer because there's nothing we can do about it anymore.

And as for me im so fucked. I was trying to calculate how much bills im actually obligated to pay and approximately how much I pay for the dog's food and meds. I think I spent like 500 a month on just the dog- thats a little less than half my social security check.

When I calculated everything, it was bleak. IF I don't eat, don't go anywhere, don't need anything besides paying bills then I only need about 300 more a month to make things work. I started to think about getting an actual job for 3 days a week, 6-8 hours a day and what that would mean. Yeah I can get enough to make things work but it wont be as much as grandma because they will take away my whole ssi and will raise my rent, which I don't deal with now. Not to mention I will have to contend with how much I can earn on social security because there's no way in hell I can lose that. Im not completely useless but there's no way I can work a 40 hour week.

With working at minimum for that much and minus the ssi, 30% of the paycheck for rent and then I would be making like 500. Thats not even counting taxes, so it will be a little less. To compare with Grandma I been making about 12-1400 a month.

I hope too they don't think of sending my grandma out of the area. There will be a chance that wont happen since she will be officially admitted to the hospital. We also know they probably will try and send her home with us but that my mom has to insist we cannot take care of her without her walking. We know it will be an issue.

Thats the risk with signing on to take care of an elderly relative who has no or very limited resources... they will make it difficult for you to get them into a care home. If you don't be careful you could be liable to pay for it too- either while she's there or after her death.

So ive been stressed the whole day. Couldn't sleep in even though I could. Its so hard to get paid at the beginning of the month and try to make it last.

I will have to stop smoking weed for the most part and that will be the hardest. Especially with a lot of free time.

Luis finally came over and we had a pretty good time. I got on his ass for getting in another quad accident... at least it wasn't as bad as the previous one where he missed months and months of his brand new job. Which by the way he just quit last week... He said oh he had something lined up to do but talking to him about it today he knows it wont be enough and admits he will have to look for something better. To me its very irresponsible to quit a job when you don't actually have another lined up first.

I tried to tell him he should cool it on the quads too and he was like "I just bought a part that will make it go faster." And yes I called him dumb and delusional... does he not remember we're 45 now??

Well ladies at least he's not my husband and I don't have to deal with this dumb ass decisions in any meaningful manner. yay for that.

I got the dog an appt where he's just gonna get tested for a uti and the heart worm test he needs- just straight back and no actual appt so I will just pay for the test. Thankfully.

Were supposed to have dinner with my cousin at 530 and I really kinda wish we weren't. I still have to go to the gym- guess ill go late for the first time ever.

What I really need to do is work on these pics. I didn't even start till yesterday. Im really ashamed of these pics I took. I think I did good on the proposal and a few pics here and there but most the pics have at least one person thats out of focus and I really have no idea why because I took most the whole shoot in automatic. Which I felt shame about in the first place. Plus a lot of my poses were really bad. I will give her the pics I took that I think are good but I will offer a reshoot.

One of the major problems I think is that I CANT FUCKING SEE. Ive taken to edit with my contacts in and reading glasses but these contacts don't stay in the right spot so im not getting the best view I can. I can't wear my glasses because the computer seems either too far away or too close and blurry. Like fuck. I glued my bifocals together earlier today in hopes that they will help.

I think my vision could have fucked up the photo shoot too. That and too much gabapentin for my legs constantly twitching and spasming.

Well now I have more availability I can maybe get an earlier appointment.

My aunt came when my parents were gone yesterday to drop of an official form that puts my mom the second in command over my other grandmas welfare. My aunt is still number one but if she can't be reached then my mom will make the decisions for her in the time where grandma is still here and my aunt has left to her Bible Belt state.

I never really seen the house or knew what city they were moving to. They are building this new house, which is insane to me. They are in their mid 60s and they're building a 5 bedroom house to fit her daughter and husband and my grandma.

When she left I researched the city and found out it was a sundowner town. Black people weren't even allowed to LIVE THERE until 1960. The same year my dad was born. That shit is INSANE to me. Insane. But of course my aunt and her husband are all about conservatism so im sure it's no problem that even to this day there's barely any black people in the city. Like 125k peeps and I think it said 8k black folks. More latinos, but still not even 10%.

Well, it is what it is.

I was having a hard time using the photo editing software and especially with the new AI automative features that are supposed to be so intelligent. Not so much with me!

Mas tarde, 10:16pm

I had to come write again in pursuit of feeling right. I’m lot even sure what the bleep is wrong with me. Had a good time with Luis but once he left I had to take the dog to the vet and I didn’t get much time to work on the photos. In fact I haven’t completely finished even ONE photo yet. To be fair I’ve restarted completely a few of them. But it left me feeling really upset… on top of the fact the photos are bad. And it’s for my good friends and extended family. Well maybe it’s better the bad photos are for your close friends cause theyll forgive you.

Vet appointment ended up with an all clear on the dog having any uti or anything. I was relieved although it was 77 dollars for the test. They didn’t do the heart worm test it seems and I’d wanted both. But there was no way I was gonna bring him back in when he’s in the car after waiting 15 minutes for the results.

I hate paying a lot of money but I love the peace of mind. But now times are gonna be extraordinarily hard and I will have to think and be very careful with taking him to vets until I can figure out another source of income.

That helped turn my mood. And then I sat down with the photos again and didn’t get much done before it was time to go to pizza to see my cousin’s from out of town. I did not want to go at all. Like at all. I wished it was like another day lol… cause I did want to see my cousin but not that time. I wanted to work on my pics and go to the gym. Didn’t want to go super late.

But my mom text to make sure we were going so we went. Francisco either forgot or didn’t want to go.

When we got there I just shut down and got in what I’ve often called “my bubble.” Cause it feels like you’re in a bubble by yourself and everyone else is outside it and you can’t really see or hear them but of course you know they’re there. And even when you try to come out you often can’t. I now know this is dissociating.

They asked what was wrong and I agreed I was tired when they offered that reason for me. Well yeah, I slept like 3.5 hours.

We were late because Mariana “didn’t know we were still going” (??) And I had to wait extra for her. In being late there was no room at the table everyone else was at so Mariana and I sat at the other. That helped the bubble remain peskily cemented around me.

I could barely eat. I had anticipated the salad bar but ultimately knew I couldn’t eat that much. Didn’t even finish one piece of pizza and drank his water from my bottle. I haven’t really eaten much the whole entire day. Two Reese’s cups and a bowl of left over hamburger helper. This is happening more often.

With all my being I didn’t want to go to the gym even less than I wanted to go to dinner. But I brought my change of clothes and was telling myself I was going. I would drop Mariana off and go.

And that’s what I did, but it was the hardest day I’ve ever made myself go. I think the final push to go was remembering I told the worker dude one day awhile ago that I was there even though I really didn’t want to be. And that I’d thus far never missed a single gym day because I just didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to make this my first either. It would mess up the whole week. And now I think of it I plan to go to the river all day Friday, so there’s no chance I’m going to the gym. Probably not Saturday either cause that’s the party I’m supposed to shoot. Sunday would interfere with Monday.

I haven’t connected with the people about the party. When I told my neighbor that I’d probably charge them like 150-200 it seemed like they thought that was too high and wanted me there less time. I was expecting to be there the majority of the time the party was going on for that price, however long that was. When she said 2 hours it made sense like 100. But really I don’t want to do a party for less than 150 because the amount of pics will be a lot. I won’t obsessively edit them either, just important ones.

Well if in the end I’m not hired then it is what it is.

Anyways every moment of the gym was excruciating. Since the dinner I have felt this really uncomfortable feeling and I can’t even describe what it is. Overload from what happened with grandma. Overload major to what’s about to happen to my finances and the scary thought of working a regular job again, even if only part time. Ooooo just thinking of that made me almost cry and feel bad again.

There’s just so much. So much and every step of the gym I felt uncomfortable. Almost like I feel when I’m working out super fucking hard and I think I’m gonna maybe die but I don’t and it feels so bad… it’s almost like the whole entire workout felt that way. I just wanted to quit and go home but I kept thinking how mad I’d be if I did that. I’d feel as if I wasted the time.

It didn’t help that the gym was pretty fucking busy and I didn’t expect that at that time. It always seems like when I leave in the 7pm hour the gym has pretty much slowed down. Not tonight. Maybe I just don’t stay late enough to see the later surge come through.

I did everything I always did to the full extent- even went faster for longer on the treadmill. I allowed myself to skip one machine that is kinda redundant to one I do like doing. I take that back, it’s super hard but it’s working muscles I’ve never really worked.

I couldn’t really clear my head even when I tried. But I had to try to avoid thinking too hard because I kept wanting to cry. Just wait till you’re done, dumb ass.. I tell myself. And I did pretty much as soon as I got into the car.

And logically I should work on pics but I took out my contacts because I just had to take them out. Again they weren’t being dry or painful but after awhile I just want them out. But I need them for pics. I need to put this down and everything down and go to bed early.

I say that constantly but ima try.

-- Monday, 3:19pm

Monday reset and im on the laptop. It was hard coming back here from camping and hard coming back from a pretty fun weekend.

Later Friday Francisco hit me up and asked more about my river plans... which I said my only real plan is my desire to go. I kinda wanted to go to this one spot, even though it involves more walking because the parking lot fell in... but the walk is pretty and not too long. And that helps with not bringing in so many people. Even though its the 4th and there will be lotsa people pretty much anywhere worth going and im cool with that.

Francisco was down and said they'd drive. Cool. We ended up deciding to go further south because the place I wanted was topping out at 75 and cloudy. But go another 30 minutes and we'd get 85 and sunny all day. The choice was easy.

I didn't hit anyone else up ultimately... figured most have their plans by now. Danila said she would tell me if she wanted to go and she didn't. Me and my kid and his girl will be just fine. I asked Mariana that morning (she was gone for like 2 days straight doing stuff with her man) if she wanted to go but she said no. Thought about leaving the dog with her instead of my dad but Mariana just closes herself in her room and the dog sits by the door.

It was absolutely gorgeous when we rolled up. Most the way down we drove near the river and there were people posted up everywhere. There were lots at the place we were and Francisco decided to drive his car down to the river bar and I got nervous. 4 wheel driving always makes me scared. But once we got down there and I saw the cars that had made it down I was cool.

There was a lot of people so there was no place to sit right next to the river, so we sat a little further back between 2 families. We got our stuff out and started drinking, smoking, I took my very strong edible. Blew up the floaties. Applied the sunscreen- all good. It is very warm and the river looks full, which is a good sign at this point in time.

Maybe like 30 minutes or so after we got there we realized my friends (who are sisters) Sylvia and Kelly were there with all their families and their dad. I was super excited to see them and be with more friends and people, since that’s what I like the day to be about. They told us to move over there to where they were and we did.

It was far better… one of the few places that had sand and also some trees for shade. They were like come sit in the shade and I’m like nope… I need the sun!! Kelly says her too. Although both girls are from the Central Valley and grew up until mid teens down there they are equally adapt to the local weather by now and don’t deal with the hot.

But we all dealt with it just fine by being in the river the majority of the time we were there. By the time we were over there my edible had kicked in and I’d drank more than half my drink (fireball mixed) and yeah… so good.

Literally what I wait all fucking year for! From the last river day to the next.

I felt sad that Mariana decided not to come and Kelly’s daughter Kelli and her are like best friends. She also is friends with the younger daughter Erica (one year younger and for many years they were almost closer than her and Kelli) and the daughter of Sylvia. Francisco is friends with Kelly’s son… actually more than friends… they’re cousins lol. Thanks to 23andme for confirming that lol. Sylvia has two sons Francisco’s age that are also his friends but they live out the area.

My stupid ass leg was being no friend to me. I had many spasms. One was super bad, that I had to immediately swim up to the shore with my good leg and arms, and it took me a good while to get it to stop. I had to stretch it so many ways and it was kinda a scene. Then massage it out for like ten minutes. Most the other spasms I stopped before that were a problem. Most the time I was in my floaty but it was hot and I wanted to get all the way in too. It was deep where we were so it was hard to avoid swimming. And I love swimming. The current wasn’t as swift in this river, so that helped.

I also told everyone I could potentially need help from said spasms. Kelly said she deals with them a lot and magnesium helps. I said they’ve taken my levels and it’s always just fine. Feel like I eat quite a bit of bananas anyways.

I helped a girl who couldn’t swim (but was on a floaty) that had started floating away from the group and had a minor freak out. I swam her and her floaty back to shallow waters while I had a spasm and went to straighten it out. That wasn’t the super bad one though.

My calf was so sore clear through yesterday from all the spasms. It is scary and I tried to call the doctor today to see if I could get in any earlier than mid August but the answer was nope… no open appointments at this time.

We left the river around 5 which made us get back kinda late when my sisters bbq started at 6. I had left the dog with my parents when I went to the river and when my kid dropped me off they were home to the bbq already and the left him there alone… I knew instantly he was gonna be scared and sad. And I could hear him howling when I opened the gate to go to the door. I felt so bad.

I hate him being alone at another house, but I also know my parents would have a hard time just getting grandma there and didn’t need to deal with bringing the dog. I was bringing him however.

I had to hurry and get my stuff together to make the elotes I was supposed to make. I really wanted a shower but there was no time. I went looking homely. I also forgot the lime and although people said it tasted good without it I felt it really left it lacking.

BUT… when Mariana and I were in her car warming it up, about to leave to my sisters I see Seth walking up the street towards us. We are parked on his side of the street, one of us almost always has to these days with 3 of the 4 apartments having 2 cars each.

My heart and insides jump instantly. I wonder if he’s been downtown at the events. Probably. I only have a few moments to decide how I’m going to react because he’s about to be right next to me in seconds. And he sets the tone because he’s looking directly at me, eyes to my eyes. This surprised me, so my reaction was a smile- without teeth though. And my window was rolled down some and he said “it’s almost time for fireworks!!” In a very cheerful voice. I give him kinda a look as he knows I really never care much for fireworks (him either but we don’t hate them either) and I raise my hand with a not enthusiastic cheer and say “oh yay” and then laugh.

Seeing his smile again fucks me up. So does him just talking to me.

Made me feel good but of course wasn’t long before the mix of feelings rush in. I was hoping regardless that if we talked to each other that was the opening to talk to each other more. Even though it’s stupid as fuck. And we’re probably definitely better off this way. Or I am at least. But we know el piel es muy débil and yeah…

But I haven’t had any encounters with him since then. He has been busy and I saw him at Applebees yet again today when I went to the gym 🤬🤬🤬. Pretty sure he was watching the soccer match with USA though. I worked a little harder thinking of him eating that bad food all the time.

He might be feeling some sort of way because his mom’s birthday is at the end of the month and it’s the first birthday without her. Maybe he should think of how I was on Mother’s Day if he really wants my comfort lol. He probably and most realistically wants me to suck his dick. He always misses that. Ask then other bitches you take places.

We left my sisters at 845 because Mariana wanted to go to the fireworks show downtown. I was fine with leaving at that point, I’m tired. I want to shower. Smoke. Be ready by 10 for fireworks out my window.

It was foggy as hell, as it often is on the 4th when you live in a coastal town! But the fireworks must go on, even if it looks like colored fog. At ten I was looking out my window and nothing happened. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔🤔. First I thought they were late… but it kept getting later. I rechecked the web site time, 10pm. wtf. Maybe they moved where they shoot them off from and I can’t see it anymore???? But there’s no way I couldn’t hear them! By 10:10 I was exhausted and looked at the tracker and Mariana was at a restaurant so ?? Later I found out there was a miscommunication with the people doing the fireworks about the time and they let them off at 9:30. People were pissed. I was disappointed.

The neighborhood show didn’t disappoint though. I couldn’t hang too late as I was so tired. The dog was pretty oblivious since he can’t hear well. That’s so wonderful compared to all the years he could hear a pin drop in New York and bark excessively about it.

Seth’s lights were out as they mostly are every 4th. I wondered if he had went somewhere else with someone else. Maybe so. He was gone part of the day with his car and for some amount of time after his car was back because we seen him walk.

I kept telling myself he said hi by accident… momentarily forgot we were ignoring each other. Maybe sparked by moving on and being happy about it. Not feeling one way or another how I felt.

Sunday I wanted to be lazy as hell and I was pretty lazy. I took a nap even. But I had Kandy’s pics on my list at 6pm at the park here in town.

I was again nervous about them. Again took most in automatic, which makes me feel like a fake. Kandy herself insured to be a photographer and she’s not too bad at it. She even said something like oh she could edit some of the pics to help me out and I’m like oh hell no. I didn’t say that though, just no I got it. I think people don’t realize than editing another photographer’s work is a special kind of insulting. Like we had a vision, we executed it and now you’re changing it. And then that pic will be categorized as yours but really it’s not to your standards or vision.

I didn’t look at them today because I was scared.

The highlight of the day was that Kandy’s boyfriend officially proposed, and that was the first time I have taken pics of a proposal. Really the only time I’ve even been present for one (besides the one that happened right before my last senior photo shoot on the beach) was right then. I had only about 3-4 minute notice before hand and even though I asked to be signaled there was no signal. He felt the moment and went for it.

And really with the sun going down in rays through the redwoods, it was quite the perfect moment. Those pics look pretty good, I just kept snapping to make sure I got the best chance of something good coming out. Ya only get one chance!

Really though they had already decided they were getting married and started planning… at the campground we rent out and in the summer. Center of said camp out. But he had never bought her a ring or got down on a knee.

I was happy for her. She has been through some fuck heads since she left her husband (he ended up being too) and this guy seems none of the sort. He seems perfectly fit for her. I’ve noticed absolutely no red flags. Of course I spend much less time with her now they live together. Or really since they got together to be honest.

But that’s how that works. In my happiness for her I beat up on myself for constantly choosing the wrong dudes and wasting time I could have potentially met my good fit by now. But now I’m traumatized and I don’t even believe I can ever find my true fit that will not make me look like a bigger idiot than Trump.

Kandy has hsv2 also. She got diagnosed after me and I think that caused her some bad choices as a reaction but in the end it seems she’s lucked out.

Seems I will be able to get at least a few good ones of most the poses I took. Not my best work but definitely not my least.

I finally got my converter to load the pics from my camera to the computer. But after the gym and everything I decided to just start a new.

There is a considerable amount of ai in the new software. Hopefully it’s helpful.

Oooo I saw that the photography class by the college is online only. Guess that makes it a definite that I could sign up. No barriers and I have the materials you need; digital camera with manual mode and Lightroom subscription.

As the monthly visitor has finally made its way away from me I text Luis today “hope you’re thinking of how you’re coming over tomorrow.” He said he had been thinking about it the whole entire day. 😮😮 good, I need this and tomorrow is a day off. So hopefully that works out.

Even though they said I was 30th on the list, I got a call this afternoon about an opening tomorrow for the pelvic floor physical therapy. It’s during counseling time but I figured I’d rather go to something that’s hard to go to and postpone the regular.

I am nervous on what they’re gonna do. My doctor made it sound like they do examen you at least initially.

Wonder if they have any physical therapy hints for my spasms!??

I have a dental cleaning tomorrow.

Mariana finally gets her windows tinted.

I think the dog could possibly have something up with him because he keeps licking his “private zones” (as grandma says) and he usually doesn’t. I called for an appointment and they said they can probably just give him a test when I come in and they can test for heart worm then too. Good, save me a visit fee. Still waiting for them to call me back with the word on that.

Also still waiting for my results from the colon cancer test I did via mail in. I know there was a holiday but seems like it should be back by now. It was gross doing the test but not gross compared to the horrors of the colonoscopy prep.,

Friday, 1:18pm

Let’s see if I can write this in a timely manner. No guarantees. I guess I can continue later if needed.

It’s Friday and I kinda want to go to the gym early… like at 2 would be ideal so I can be home a little after 4 and can give the dog his meds. I do have to run by the grocery store too, but only for a few things.

I want to go to the river tomorrow. Like very bad. But I have nobody committed to going with me and I also haven’t really went out and asked many people.

I was hoping Danila and some of the kids possibly. But Danila is having her uncle come into town and she wasn’t sure whether he wanted to go. She also didn’t want to “celebrate.” I don’t want to celebrate per se either… that’s kinda why I like to go off the grid and into nature for the vast majority of the day.

I’ve said for decades the 4th is my favorite holiday, but not because of anything to do with what most people celebrate. I love it because it’s the only holiday in summer, my favorite time of year. And usually by this time it’s finally getting a little warm here too. It’s been a day I want to be in nature and be with as many friends/family as possible. If fireworks happen, cool. But I prefer to stay with the dog. And watch from my window or security camera. 😂😂

Although I do consider myself very much a “patriot”, we know the conservatives hijacked that term a long ass time ago. Now being a patriot is something more along the lines of religiously devoted and blindly allegiant. And to a delusional version of history and reality. A white washed, Disneyland version.

I am absolutely a billion times opposed to the Disneyland version of history being pushed and taught in educational institutions and public monuments, etc. I feel this with every bone in my body. There ARE plenty of things that could make people feel bad by what their white ancestors did but so what? We need to sit with that. We need to be humbled. I hate how we act on the world stage like we’re some perfect and moral country. Look at the disgusting things we’re doing right now right in front of our eyes! Even if you ignore history how can you ignore that???

But I believe in the constitution and the civil rights we’ve hard earned. We have the legal rights to insist on the ills of society being remedied. But as we see right here today that there are a lot of bad actors in the way, with a lot of money behind them. The money is currently winning and trying to bring us under their control like the 1950s. Like Russia now.

We’re already in reality brought to our knees. Which is why they’ve gotten so much power- we’re all in debt to just our living expenses and the desire to fill our lives with joy by experiences and things. We get in debt that way, just trying to enjoy life enough to get through the ever increasing difficulties of the mandatory.

Every year I think I can’t get in a worst mood about the holiday than I have before but it never fails that I do. It seems especially and painfully ironic so much fuss is being made that we’re 250 years as an independent country or whatever when we’ve never lost so many rights in such rapid succession in modern times and we’ve never been so close to fully moving out of a democracy. We’ve been creeping closer to an un functional democracy for some time now but now the government has become basically useless and Trump has taken nearly full control.

I dread every day that passes. I don’t think we’ll take the midterms, even if we have an astronomical turnout. The ending of the voting rights act basically made it inevitable we will not. This will beat us down… or maybe (hopefully) be a big incendiary motive in moving us forward to what probably is an inevitability now. A very violent confrontation. January 6 will look like preschool. Possibly the end of our country as we know it, and it’s Trump to blame. Him and those who have quid pro quo’s with him to get what they wanted out of the deal. The republicans that have done nothing to stop him. The billionaires that have spent countless dollars to support the fall of democracy so they are allowed to get richer.

And when the country has an astronomical amount of debt and they’ve broken everything, them rich fucks are taking their money elsewhere. Good luck cleaning that mess up.

Fuck the whole entire country if need be.

They’ve fucked the whole entire country to this point.

I have been thinking more and more how maybe it’s time we just split in 2. Fuck them red states. If they want an authoritarian leader who funds nothing and a society that’s completely ruled by their version of Christianity, then maybe we should let them.

Like really, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Just kidding, please do.

Of course the process would be an absolute mess and disaster. Trying to reorientate everything. People trying to get from blue states to red and red states to blue. It would be a fucking mess for the rest of the majority of our lifetimes. Nothing would ever be the same.

Even if they hand over the reigns with no drama what so ever, we will never be the same as we were before Donald Trump in most of our lifetimes. The cleanup will take decades, if ever at all.

It’s hilarious to me that they were so hysterical with both Obama and Biden and they never did anything even close to the damage and evils this man is doing.

Conservatives barely see it coming. Even though many are starting to and I’m sure it will be all liberal’s fault somehow.

Donald Trump is ruining the country and overthrowing democracy and throwing an extravagant party to celebrate it. Hope you enjoyed the last 250 years because from this point forward your democratic “rights” are truly an illusion and rapidly disappearing everyday.

Most have no idea until their life encounters the new walls.

I need to go to the gym.

Will I go to the river all by myself??

I will celebrate summer and nature, best things on earth.

There’s a bbq at my sisters that we will be going to.

After I will stay home with the dog and watch the city fireworks from my bedroom window.

I started thinking about Seth and the 4ths we spent together. Getting sad. He left early today and i hoped he left town, but he didn’t. So now i get to see and wonder who he goes to spend time with. The bitch at Applebees certainly.

On Wednesday when I went to the gym I saw him parked at Applebees and I got in a bad mood. I kept saying to myself let him eat that food and work on his dad bod with that bitch and I’ll work on getting my body better. Not like anything is really happening.

I have kandys family shoot on Sunday and I’m kinda nervous about it. Not sure why. I bought Lightroom for the year and I guess I’m kinda nervous about using it. It’s different on the Mac.

Monday, 11:28am

CAMPING WEEK IN REVIEW

Monday- although I’d worked getting ready a considerable amount and we could show up at noon to the camp ground, I still didn’t leave the house until like 130. There is just so much to remember when you’re going camping.

It was cool to have two cars going, now that Mariana has her license and car. Made it easier to fit everything that we needed.

I mixed up all the meals for the dog and divided his meds up into little plastic bags and labeled them with the time and instructions. His heart and mine were both broken when I left him with my dad. I had to tell myself it’s like only a little over 24 hours.

We were sharing the camp location with Danila, she always chooses the same spot. But we got there way before her. I was stressed out because even though I have set my tent up many times and by myself, I was having a hard time this time. I was sweating like crazy! With the help of Mariana and her friend we finally got it up after about half an hour.

I finally got myself a battery powered air pump, so that helped get the air mattresses up and the whole camp to the best my ability. It was sunny and I could see people were already at the river but I knew I probably wouldn’t finish everything in time to go out there that day.

After I was done getting everything ready I decided to hit the dab and eat my first edible. I made sure to buy lots of weed products for the trip lol. I also got a really big bottle of fireball.

I kept expecting Danila to show up but she didn’t. After I smoked I went to check out the river and I was stoked to find that it was much better than the year before. It was fuller and there were several swimming holes, thankfully. I suppose it helped we got out there a month earlier than last year. Although I’d prefer later on in the summer, so we had a better guarantee on the weather.

Danila didn’t show up until after 5… which surprised me. I tried to help her carry some of her shit from her car to our table and camp and she got annoyed I was messing up her organization. My bad… I was overwhelmed earlier and could have used more help so I figure she must be even more since it’s so late. But whatever. She allowed me to help her carry wood to the fire. After that I left her to do it all herself. That’s what she wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

First night’s dinner was bbq hamburgers and hot dogs. I helped the best I could because I didn’t help much last time as I was always holding the dog. And soon I would be again.

Dinner was good. We made a huge bonfire, as per usual.

I realized with some sadness that this years group camp was different. There was the fact Danila’s youngest wasn’t coming at all and Kandy’s oldest was acting kinda weird and refused to stay the night even though she came and stayed until well after dark. Danila’s oldest daughter couldn’t come until Tuesday and neither could Francisco.

There was some drama last year between Kandy and two of the families that always come and so this year neither are coming at all. I’m kinda disappointed about one of them because I’ve became pretty good friends with them over the years through this yearly camp.

Also one of the girls whose whole family always comes is not coming as she’s getting a divorce and just moved and can’t get away from the business she pretty much runs for her dad now. It was nice that she did come out for the day on Tuesday. Another one of the friends and her large family weren’t staying because she had to go mid week for a biopsy on potential cancer. Plus work as she runs a family business too. She was able to come in the evening several evenings for dinner and fire time. One of the days she got some river time too.

It’s hard as time goes by and people grow up and transition and nothing can ever stay the same.

Idk why, but I felt not good and that I was so full of air… maybe from all the huffing and puffing from setting up the tent and all that? I couldn’t get the feeling to reduce, so in the end I didn’t drink at all- I also didn’t smoke anymore either. I’d take an edible so I was really high but I was offered like 400 times to hit a bong or joint or pipe and I was didn’t feel like it. It also kept the hunger away. I keep having issues with this being full of air.

I stayed at the fire until a little after midnight and decided to go smoke before I went to bed. But once I felt how cold it was I decided to hotbox the car instead of smoke outside or in my tent.

I was really tired but once I hit the bed I felt awake. I couldn’t really fall asleep and I was awake when Mariana came in the tent at 330 am. I’m not sure what time I finally fell asleep as my watch died during the night without being charged.

TUESDAY:

It was slightly overcast when I woke up, but it quickly cleared up. Since I didn’t sleep until late I didn’t wake up until 10. I slowly got up and went to smoke and decided to start with drinking a coke. On vacation I can have plenty cokes, I’d decided. In the end I don’t think there was any more than one day I had more than one.

I came late for breakfast and help a little with the cleanup. It was getting later so I knew I better get my ass together and get down to the river so I could enjoy hours upon hours of river time. I’d been waiting anxiously for this since the last river trip I took last summer. As I be every year.

I got dressed and blew up some floaties with the new machine, which was nice. I took a sizable edible and filled an empty water bottle with a large amount of fireball and some strawberry lemonade. I wasn’t sure what I should mix with fireball and if that even went but it was alright.

It wasn’t a super hot day but it was warm enough. There was wind too but it was warm, so not a problem.

Most of us were out there on blankets. Talking, joking, laughing, having some heart to hearts, drinking, smoking, pigging out. I was depressed because I forgot all our salami and cheese for our Sandwiches. At least we had chips and other munchies.

I sat out and warmed up for at least an hour before I finally got my floaty and got in when most the others also went in. The river is fuller but it also has a slightly stronger current than usual which meant I had to be constantly fighting it with my floaty.

Not usually an issue but the first time I floated from the shallow part to head into a deeper part and I went to kick my left leg to swim against the current it immediately went into a spasm. Omg 😳 ! I immediately switched my leg to stretch the opposite way to counter the spasm and it seizes… but any movement that is not flexing the opposite way of the spasm sends it right back that way.

I was scared as I’ve never had any spasms in water and I didn’t expect this one to come on. I was still in the area I could touch and planted my right foot on the ground and used that to navigate me back up from the deep part. I was scared thinking if I hadn’t had a floaty it would be dangerous… even with the floaty it could have been. I probably would have had to ask for help if I’d gotten into the part I couldn’t touch.

I did not like that one little bit.

I’m a decent swimmer and I’m not scared of the water in normal circumstances. Now I’m seriously nervous.

I stayed down at the river well after everyone else went back up besides Danila and I. We got out there later and I missed Monday and I’d miss tomorrow. I needed as much river as possible!

When I get back from the river Mariana informs me that she went to the store and got a message from Francisco that they aren’t coming that evening after all, rather the next day. This stresses me out because we need more ice. And Mariana just literally came from the store and got none.

Day two dinner was tacos (American) and burritos… I helped cut some of the ingredients. When it was time to eat I was again not too hungry but I wanted to eat before I had to leave. I’d decided to leave at 730ish but because dinner was late to be started and done I didn’t go to leave until 815.

I really didn’t want to go at all but I definitely wanted to see my dog. It had been a nice time setting up and not having to worry about his needs for the time I’d been there but I missed him so much. I knew every second that went by he was waiting for me to get home and wondering when that would be.

Mariana’s boyfriend showed up and he didn’t have an air mattress, so I had to take all my stuff off. I packed up as much as I thought I would need, hoping not to forget anything necessary.

As I was trying to leave I discovered I’d killed the battery in my car so I now needed a jump. Fuck. I finally remembered to try to use this flashlight thing (and remembered to charge it) that my grandma got me years ago that was supposed to be able to jump your car. But- it absolutely did not work. Damn it.

I had to go get Mariana to jump me and it started up pretty quick and then my not wanting to leave switched into let me get tf up outta here. I’m thinking the whole ride home how I can’t wait to see my pooch.

He was super happy to see me and me likewise. I made my way home and immediately took a shower and chilled the rest of the evening. I tried to make a list and prepare things so that I could go back after watching grandma on Wednesday. I had originally doubted I’d want to go back that night but after spending the time I did there I knew I definitely did. If I came Thursday I’d probably waste time in the morning and miss river time.

And honestly I wanted Seth to see me gone more. Did he notice I was gone? I’m sure he did but anything past “notice” wasn’t happening I’m sure. I did my best to not look and see what he’d been doing the time I was gone.

I managed to go to bed at the decent time of midnight.

WEDNESDAY:

Wednesday felt like a special kind of torture. Waking up at 7am and having to go watch grandma was close to the last thing I wanted to do.

And grandma was being difficult with her balance, so it was even more challenging. Then she pooped a whole lot every single time she went. And one time she went in her diaper right when we went to leave the bathroom from going and getting cleaned up.

UGHHHH.

And all I can think about is how my friends were most definitely sitting by and in the beautiful river enjoying warm air. In town it was cold and overcast. Overcast turning to look like imminent rain. Ew.

Mom got home at like 230 and I hoped it would translate to me getting the things I had to do finished quick and off to camping asap. But of course it didn’t.

I ended up helping my mom buy something off Amazon prime. Then I went and did several errands and ran home and had to do the dogs medicine and have him eat there. By the time all was said and done I didn’t take off until a little after 6.

I’d heard it was to be a grand feast of steak, ribs and chicken and there was “plenty.” I hoped so since I decided against getting anything to eat before I headed out. I did stop to get a queen size air mattress because Mariana’s boyfriend was staying there tonight and we didn’t have enough. And now Francisco had his own tent I could fit a bigger one.

What I didn’t get is ice because Mariana text and said that she was getting 8lbs from the store. I thought that would be enough since I originally got 3 bags of 2lbs each and it filled the chest.

As soon as I got there I tried to get everything situated asap. Luckily Mariana was close by to help hold the dog.

Dinner still wasn’t ready when I was done so I hit the dab and ate an edible. I was ready to drink that night, made sure to bring the bottle with me to dinner.

Dinner was really good and we ended the night at the bonfire again. I had a blanket to cuddle with the dog.

When I was doing something before dinner the dog was walking around free (leash was on but I temporarily let it go) there was some sort of scuffle with him and another little dog that was his size. All I know is I saw him flip upside down and I ran as fast as I’ve ever ran to get him. By the time I got there he was right side up and I pulled him away and looked him over to see if he was hurt. I couldn’t see any thing. The other dog owner made it sound like my dog was the aggressor but I know that wasn’t the case. He was very passive as soon as we got to camp with all the different people and dogs.

He was actually letting everyone pet him and even going up to a few people himself.

I stayed up as late as I could at the fire with the dog- around midnight. I wanted to get him to have his snack and I needed to smoke and take out my contacts. I was dragging my feet to bed someway because I realized Mariana’s boyfriend had went to bed in the tent and she went to party it up at her friends camp spot. So that meant I’d have to go lay in the tent with him without Mariana. Felt weird about that but it is what it is.

I hotboxed the car and it was around 130 when I got into the tent. I tried to be as quiet as I could being I had to get the dog situated and take my meds. But he was snoring away (luckily not loud) which was actually better because I knew he was really asleep. Less awkward that way lol.

THURSDAY:

Got up slow Thursday too, but not as slow as Tuesday being I had the dog who needed his meds and to go out and use the bathroom. I discovered the best place for doing his slurry medicine was the car or the tent and those were the same places that worked good for him to eat.

I smoked it up and talked to Danila about politics and everything else. It was cloudy and cool until about 1230 and finally some sun came out. We decided we should get ready and get to the river.

It’s stressful trying to bring the dog. I had this beach sun tent along with several other things. Luckily I had Francisco help me and it wasn’t too hot so the dog could actually walk down to the area near the river we were sitting at. Last year it was too hot and I had to carry him. Plus we hung out where it was a lot rockier and I didn’t want him hurting his little old legs on all the rocks.

The sunny day was short lived and once we got out there it only lasted like another hour. It never got warm enough for me to consider getting in, and I was sad about that. The dog didn’t hold back however and got in several times himself.

Although it didn’t end up sunny and warm, it was relatively decent. I stayed out there longer than anyone else except Danila and she was ready to go in before I was. But I went in about the same time since it was time for the dog to have his medicine.

I knew Mariana was leaving back home but I wasn’t sure what time. I’d been trying to think of all the things I wanted her to take home to make sure everything would fit into my car the next day. After all we came with two cars and I came back out with more stuff for the dog. I was surprised as fuck when I got back up from the river I realized Mariana had already left.

I was pissed off. Why didn’t she even say anything??

All her friends left and a little after that Danila’s daughter and her man left too. Now the only campers left on the lower level was me and Danila.

I started to feel tired and as I waited for the time to feed the dog after his meds I decided to lay down. Both the dog and I cuddled up in the tent and I did fall asleep some. The dog was out so hard that he didn’t hear the alarm or me even getting up to get the food ready. After he ate we ended up laying down again and I de decided I wanted to nap.

But I couldn’t really fall asleep and so around 830 I joined everyone up at the kitchen area to have some dinner.

During dinner it was discovered that this big bag of weed that Kandy’s boyfriend had on one of the tables had disappeared. At first we all took a casual and comical approach, it had to have been dropped somewhere. Or accidentally picked up and moved. But still, nobody could find it.

After dinner we all joined in with flashlights and looked everywhere on the upper level of the camp. Kandy’s boyfriend joked there was a 20 dollar reward. I kept joking my dog would find it, he knows the smell very well.

But still it was missing. The vibe kinda went down… but at the same time nobody could imagine anybody actually took it. Why? Because outside us all being good friends and good people who aren’t thieves, everyone had an abundance of their own weed. There weren’t even that many minors that might have snuck some but they would have snuck SOME (easily, it’s everywhere and we’re all intoxicated) but more than likely would have just asked.

Realistically it was probably dropped somewhere or thrown away. Maybe even a crow, we reasoned, since they’d gotten into Francisco’s stuff and ate a loaf of bread and a whole French bread. Idk. It was really bizarre that the next day in the light it wasn’t located either.

I stayed up there through the bon fire and didn’t go down to my camp until around 1, when most people went back to their camps to sleep. I again decided to hot box the car to warm up and put the dog out hard. Not that he hadn’t been cuddled up in my lap and bundled in a blanket as we sat by the fire for hours.

After I was done smoking I took out my contacts but when I was done I realized I couldn’t find my glasses. I’d been keeping them right there in the car for when I removed the contacts, there they were. But they were not there.

And my vision is absolutely terrible. Like dangerously terrible. Like natural selection would have taken my ass out many years ago without the modern technology of glasses.

I assumed they had to be in the tent, so I got the dog out the car and made my way in the pitch dark to the tent. But when I was in there I couldn’t find them at all either!! OMG!! They must be in the car? Or out on the picnic table?? I had to go look. I wished so hard there was someone around to help me with actual normal vision, but Danila was still up at the bonfire.

I had to lock the dog in the tent and he kept trying to get out but I didn’t want to worry about him running off or whatever when I can’t see. I went out to the picnic table and looked around… nada. I had wanted to pack some of that shit up but now that was not happening. I went back into the car to look again and couldn’t find it. What the actual fuck??

I thought it was possible Mariana somehow grabbed it with her stuff. I sure hoped I didn’t permanently lose them because they are my only decent pair of glasses I have. Also considered putting my contacts back in and sleeping with them but I knew that would be miserable. And a struggle getting them back in considering how dark it was.

So I went and laid back down and decided there was nothing left to do but go to sleep and hope super hard nothing happened that required vision until light again.

Of course I had to pee at 3am and there was no way I was walking to the bathroom without vision… so I went out and popped a squat not too far from the tent. I thought about how anything and anyone could be out there right near me and I wouldn’t have been able to see them. Well if this is how I go I guess this is how I go.

Luckily no emergency happened but I did wake up at 8am to the sound of rain. OH NO! And I can’t even see!!

I planned on waking at 9 to get the dog his meds and then pack up. Carefully so everything could fit. But now there’s no time for meds or careful. All the stuff on the table is getting wet and so I throw the dog in the car and start to get everything that shouldn’t be wet out of the wet. Then I have to put my contacts in because it’s impossible to do much.

Then as I go to move my car closer to the camp to be easier I realize my battery is dead again. You’re fucking kidding me! It must be about to die because there’s no reason it should be dead. Danila jumps it and I get closer to the camp and continue to pack up as fast as possible.

I went to roll down the window of the car some for the dog and discovered the battery had died again. WHATTTTTTTT??? Omg.

I packed up everything and had Danila try to jump me again but the car wouldn’t start. I get super upset thinking I have to have someone drive me into town to get a new battery, drive me back and then help me out it back in. As everyone is trying to pack up themselves, it’s raining and we have only a short time. Oh and I have the dog to handle too. Nooooooo!!!!

Luckily after leaving it to jump for like 5 minutes it started!!! Damn. I drove straight home.

Unpacking wasn’t fun of course. But I did it immediately. Although it’s now Tuesday right now and I finally have my tent drying on my front lawn.

We debated on not doing the group camp ground to save money the next year but in the end it seemed we decided to do it again because the benefits are worth the cost.

I hope next year to go everyday and not work any of the days. I do think bringing the dog half the time was good for both of us.

Oh I forgot to say as soon as I jumped back into phone service I got a message from my mom informing me that the new teenager we hired for Sunday put in her two weeks. Yes the one we hired like 2 months ago. The one that wanted 6 Sundays off between now and September.

Luck has fallen again on us because the fill in girl we hired said she would take Sundays and still fill in. PLEASE POWERS THAT BE LET THIS WORK FOR THE LONG TERM!!

-- Saturday, 9:15pm

I am writing this once again on my new laptop. Figured I better turn it on since its been a few days lol.

Really all I did was scan three pics I found in my pics that have my fourth grade teacher in them, since tomorrow is the funeral. I absolutely despise funerals, but I feel like I really must go. I want to go, to pay tribute to a really extraordinary dude.

I had been thinking of the fellow students I may see but it occurred to me I will probably see all the living ex teachers that are still around. I am hoping to see my 6th grade teacher, who I suppose I can label as my second favorite teacher of all my years. He is married to my fifth grade teacher ha ha ha and that happened later on after i was gone from the school.

Tomorrow is also father's day and ive completely disregarded that in my mind... plus I have no idea what to get my dad anyways. I would vote to end mothers and fathers day if they gave us a chance ha ha ha.

I can't do emojis on the computer as far as I know.

Ive been pretty productive the past two days. Yesterday I picked up almost 200 bucks of meds from the vet... like all his meds were up to be refilled at the same time, which has never really happened. Plus I had to get one month of a flea/tick/heartworm prevention since we are going inland and there is more danger of that. I put it on my care credit, which id managed not to use for 3 consecutive months. This took about all the progress I made paying it away. But whatever. We got what we needed.

I did some Safeway shopping, which is pretty much all junk. But they have the best deals on junk food and are too expensive to buy much anything else thats not on a good sale. I got chips, crackers, cookies, bread, peanut butter and a big ass bottle of fireball. That seems to be a favorite drink of this specific group of friends.

I still need to go to the regular grocery store to get the list of things we need to contribute to the group and stuff for lunches/munchies for my kids and i. I met with Francisco and Catalina on Thursday to spread out who buys what.

I was surprised to hear Catalina say that she had gotten a new job... and it was at the agency that I used to work for for about 11 years, that runs head start. It sounds like she will be an early head start teacher. That is pretty bad ass plus she will have a regular schedule and not have to work nights, holidays and weekends like she does currently at the group home she works at now. She will be working with Kandy and Kelli and others of my ex coworkers.

I went to the gym and got that over with on Friday for the first time in awhile. I will be taking a whole week off to go camping. It did occur to me if I decide to not go out there on Wednesday evenings and instead go thursday I should definitely go to the gym. For that alone I may just go out there.

Luis came over too... id wanted him to come over on the weekend past and that didn't work out. We attempted during the week, but the times didn't work out unfortunately. It was a good time, yet again.

I am pretty sure Seth didn't go to the friday night festival, but not sure. He didn't drive there at least, maybe he went on foot.

Today I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the whole house. I finally cleaned out 1 of the 2 closets down stairs, the one ive been wanting to do for a few months now. I brought down my two totes dedicated to balloons and two that were for photos that had been in my son's old room. I threw out quite a bit of things. Yay for that.

After I went to pick up meds and to the grocery store to force myself to cook the chicken I had from the large pack before it went bad. I decided to do garlic sweet Thai chili chicken, one of my favorite recipes. I been putting off making the chicken because I really couldn't think of what I wanted to even eat. I also got some corn to try and make imitation cajun corn and the cob from wingstop, since I been kinda hooked on it.

The corn turned out ok... kinda too salty but it was ok. I had finished almost the whole prep for the sweet chili chicken when I realized I didn't have enough corn starch to fry the chicken so I had to go back to the stupid ass store.

Food ended up pretty good and I cleaned up the kitchen. I wanted everything clean so I can get ready for camping and have room to do it. I still have to get the stuff outta storage and blow up the air mattresses to make sure they're not flat. Im not even sure where the air pump is... that is the electric one... I really need to find one thats battery operated... which I also have but never, ever find when it counts.

So yeah... tomorrow is the funeral and I plan to do all the rest of the shopping. Check all the supplies and get them ready. Pack clothes and everything else. Get everything ready for the dog to be at my parents for Monday and Tuesday and then prepared to take him with me for the last days.

Tuesday, 4:49pm

I had another scary event with my body and it was possibly worse than the worst spasm I had on Friday. Worse because it happened with the right side and thus far all the issues have happened on the left side.

I’d felt some twitching in my right leg, also pretty unusual. Then Saturday night after I spent 20 minutes icing and then 20 minutes with the heating pad on my aching feet I move to pull my leg off the heating pad and right then my big toe on the right side started to move upwards, away from the toes and in a way nobody can willingly move their toe. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH MY BODY????

I had no control over it with my own muscles. Any attempts to move it down were like I wasn’t doing anything. The only thing I could do was grab it with my hand and push it down. It wouldn’t hardly go down but once it did it wouldn’t stay there. Whenever I took my hands off of it, the toe still went straight up. I didn’t even know what the fuck to do besides cry and be hysterical by myself. I tried massaging it but it didn’t seem to respond. I flipped my foot over so the toe was pushed down by the bed.

I have no idea what finally worked but about ten minutes later it finally went back to normal. I’m crying and super scared. What the fuck is wrong with me???? Nobody’s foot moves this way! This is unnatural as hell. Something is absolutely wrong and it’s now wrong on the right side. I googled shit for hours after and again it reads plenty about Parkinson’s and multiple sclerosis. The movements look like dyskinesia it seems. The cause?? Often one of those two I just mentioned.

I am scared. I had put in a request via the Internet for an appointment but after the toe thing I called them early in the morning. Unfortunately because I only have the availability of Tuesdays and Fridays I can’t get in until mid August. So I’ll have to just deal with whatever scary shit happens in the meantime I guess. Definitely depressed about waiting that long. They tried to get me in next Thursday but there’s no way I can get there in time from grandma.

I’ve upped the gabapentin and the muscle relaxers, like the doctor told me to do. Since then I’ve held off all other spasms and such. But I feel so out of it, so forgetful it’s borderline dangerous.

Friday after I wrote the entry I sent a text to Danila to see if she wanted to go see the pulpo magnifico, which is a large octopus on top a truck shaped like a fish that moves and blows fire ball’s from all its tentacles and the top his head. Designed and used at the Burning Man festival. She said she has that night off and was down. Ok- it’s set, imma make myself go.

I tried to invite Teresa too but she was in Canada lol.

Saturday I had to go to the gym since I didn’t Friday due to the major spasm. I was careful starting out on the treadmill to not activate anything. Everything was sore and somewhat painful for the first several minutes but after like 10 minutes all the pain was gone. Score. Saturdays are really the shit at the gym because there’s barely no one there and I got to use all my machines in the exact order I prefer them in. I love it so much but not enough to permanently change when I go on a normal basis.

Afterwards I got home and took a shower and did my hair and makeup so I would be essentially ready for the octopus party even though it wasn’t until 7. I chilled with the dog until then. I brought some Bacardi in a water bottle to consume there and share with Danila if she wanted. She did lol.

I got there about 15 minutes after it started and then delayed heading over there because I drank some in the car first. They had blocked off a couple streets and the mechanical octopus was in the middle of this large parking lot with one of the towns best and largest murals was behind it. On the side of the lot there was an alley and that was being renamed after the dude, Duane Flatmo that designed and created the octopus- among many other artistic contributions to our area and just in general.

The octopus was motionless at first, but it needed to be powered up and then be lit. This took awhile and probably like 45 minutes it started to move around and then BAM… music blasts and so does the fire. Everyone goes crazy.

I did bring my camera and spent a lot of the evening photoaging it from different angles I could get. Finally I got right up next to it and got some good pics and videos.

They had food trucks and we got some tacos and then went back to my car to have some more Bacardi. My edible kicked in and I was feeling good and so was about 100 or so other people from my town that stayed until after 10pm, dancing to loud music, surrounding a fire blowing octopus 😂😂. I was like it’s like burning man came to our town 😮😮. I am pretty sure I’ll never go to that festival so I’m glad to have the experience.

It felt good and fun being out there and I got good pics and videos- I was glad I committed to getting out and doing something. I know I need to do more of that.

Sunday was the protest. Saturday evening I was super tired, but I started thinking about adding some more stupid shit Trump has done in the last month since I made my sign. Obviously some good/horrible shit like the slush fund for his homies and insurrectionist. The “I love inflation.” What feels to me like he just set a cease fire indefinitely and isn’t actually trying to settle the war. I feel he wants to slowly and inconspicuously back away.

Of course the next day he announces there actually is a peace deal and Iran confirms they intend to sign. What the fuck it says? Nobody outside him and his closest villains are privy to that at this point. Ive heard it is pretty much the same as Obama nuclear deal that Trump tore up and then justified starting the war because of it.

I guess we’ll see, but I bet it’s bull shit. Now I hear Iran wants commitment from Israel to stop their bull shit before the sign, and that seems unlikely. That fool can’t seem to stop being aggressive to anyone he can push around. Look at Gaza.

I wrote several ideas to change the sign but then I just went to sleep. I’d been sleeping like shit but with the added gabapentin and muscle relaxers I was about to fall out. I slept for almost 9 hours 😮.

I was revved up to add to the sign but of course that always takes longer than I want to. I added stuff to the sign as quick as I could, let the glue dry and went upstairs to get ready. I was super disappointed to see once I got there that several parts I added ran the ink with the glue 😢😢. I felt disappointed because before it was like perfect. At least I know I can easily fix it by reprinting it and glueing a new one over it but with much less glue and more drying time.

Protest was good. Danila was there, of course and Francisco and Catalina decided to join us. I was happy, felt bad I forgot to bring signs for them to hold. Catalina was wearing the pro immigrant shirt I got her for Christmas.

I heard there was some confusion with people about whether the protest was even happening or not so that may be why the turnout was small. First Sunday protest. And there was, for once, lots of other things to do this weekend. Also the first one where a cop didn’t hang out and we saw a lot more aggressive acts by cars. Luckily it was mostly just revving engines hard and driving away fast, as opposed to crossing lanes of traffic in a way to look aggressive- like they could just decide to kill us whenever they want and they want to remind us.

Well works the other way too, bastards.

There was maybe more than usual yelling obscenities and obscene gestures. Those I’m ok with, after all it’s “peaceful” and first amendment protected. But best believe I yell comebacks and gesture right back at them.

I’m done with the high road long ago. These fuckers don’t respond to that shit anyways.

Damn I just remembered I should have added something with the interview he had with that lady who talked back to him so he flipped out and left the interview. Next time. If there’s room with whatever else he manages to do in the meantime.

Seth was gone a lot this weekend. He went to the Friday festival. He was gone several times and most the day Saturday, at who knows where, but there were so many things going on this weekend. Sunday he stayed home, but when I was at the protest I saw his car coming to drive by… it’s easy to spot. I instantly looked in the passenger’s seat to see if a bitch was in the car but I recognized his homie from down the street. Probably went to disc golf but who knows. I didn’t look at him to see if he looked at me, I assumed he didn’t, when he was right near me at least. But he knows I always go and he’s spotted me before so I feel he probably did.

But doesn’t matter for shit. Last night I was thinking intensely about him and missing him and shit but I couldn’t even concentrate on the stuff I love because the fucked up stuff seems so overwhelming. I know this is a good thing but fuck.

So my mom has this kid she works with (he’s like mid 30s but she speaks like he’s in his early 20s, which is what I thought until just recently) and he has this girlfriend and apparently the friend wants his girlfriend to work more. They just moved into a rental but it’s a house, so it’s expensive. And i guess she does caregiving.

We wanted to include her in the interviews we did previously but she was being wishy washy and I told my mom to just forget it, we had others who seemed willing. We got who we got. Although my mom is obsessed that once she starts school she won’t be able to work for grandma so there’s an impending crisis. Well there’s always a pending crisis with this in home caregiving. I told her we can’t ever expect we’re gonna find anyone who’s gonna be around long term. It seems like we actively look hard for those people- I’ve even taken to mentioning wanting a person intending to be long term… to no avail.

So anyways my mom informs me she wants to hire her work homie’s girlfriend to be basically an on call grandma babysitter. For example, the two days I want off to go camping next week. And she wants to start taking Fridays away from grandma more often, especially in summer. Absolutely understandable she’d want an actual day off on her day off. So yeah, I’m down with this idea for sure.

But we must interview her and mom sets that for Monday, aka yesterday at 4pm. Ok… my interview questions are now permanently on my phone. So yesterday my mom gets home around 3 and we discuss shit and we prepared for 4pm. At about 350 my mom received a text saying she’ll see us soon.

At 4pm, nothing.

At 405, nothing. My mom remarks and I say I can’t trip about 5 minutes. You just never know… could be having a hard time finding the house, there’s no street sign. Probably hard time parking as it fills up when people get home from work around that time.

At 410 I then remark what the actual fuck? We watch my mom’s phone for a text or call. At 420 I’m like dude I need to go home and get high, where she at? And who is 20 minutes late for an interview?? Psshhh real story is that anyone and everyone, from my experience over the past 7 or so years hiring people.

It’s unbelievable to me and like the premises for countless nightmares. Who hasn’t had a nightmare at least once they miss an interview or they’re ridiculously late for one?? Obviously nobody searching for a job in the last decade.

It’s a thing of the past!!

Might change when the economy crashes!

Ok so I tell my mom to wait until 430 and then call her and see if she still intends to come because we’re trying to do other things? I have her refrain from calling until then but before then she calls and claims she’s gotten lost. My mom describes how to get here from wherever she is and from there she finally gets here around 440.

40 minutes later people! Last interviews I did someone tried to come that late too but I stopped them. This time though there is some desperation in this attempt.

So when she knocks I let my mom answer the door and I stay sitting down at the table. My dog flips his lid but I assure her he’s all bark. But as she moves down the long hallway to where I am I can’t believe my eyes because I’m 99% I know who this woman is. I stand up and walk closer to her and she stops and talks to my grandma. I have to walk to verify her face.

Out my mouth pops “oh shit I totally know you” and she turns to look at my face and instantly recognizes me too. Oh damn. My first thought is “fuck no” on hiring this bitch. I see a slight acknowledgement on her face she may have lost out before she even started.

So ima her a name, Alison, from here forward. Hopefully I won’t have to write about her again, lol. But anyways, I know Alison because she used to be my neighbor, she lived directly behind me, upstairs. Her stairs to her apartment start in my back yard. She lived there for quite a long time… like 5-6 years? It seemed a long time.

Well anyways, Alison and I always got along just fine. She never gave me any drama, but she was a lot of drama. Her alone. Her and her boyfriends. Her and her mom. Her and the neighbor below her all the time, occasionally other neighbors. She was such a belligerent person because she was an alcoholic. Terribly. And her kids dad like knocked her up and took her to Mexico as his wife when she was like 14. She spent a lot of her childhood in foster care, she calls one of those foster mom’s her mom. But she has a real mom who I’ve also seen the psycho in her.

One night Alison knocked on my door and asked for ice and Tylenol and to take pictures of her fucked up face. Why was it fucked up? Her mom beat her ass, and bad. Both her eyes were black, nose swollen and bleeding. She couldn’t take pics as her phone was ruined in the brawl. She said she didn’t fight back even though she could have. She wouldn’t call the cops even though I felt I thought she should.

Eventually she got in a terrible car accident, oddly enough ended up not her fault, considering she was a drunk. But she broke like her whole leg and the whole thing was casted up and it took her forever to be able to do things. She stopped drinking. The drama over there evaporated, but she still didn’t get along with her downstairs neighbor so they moved her to another project up the street. I can’t remember when that was but like 3-4 years ago?

Hadn’t seen her in a very long time but I did at my friend’s Thanksgiving party. She has gotten so freaking skinny I didn’t initially recognize her at all. Only by her voice. She said she had been struggling with some health issues, we both talked about the fucked I/O experience we had with that. I can’t remember what she said was wrong with her.

So my first reflex was a hell no, we are not hiring her. But of course we did the interview (I’m the one that asks the questions) and as it went on the more I thought about how it’s been a long time since she’d been sober and I hadn’t heard or seen her get into any trouble for a long time. I did remember she had done caregiving the whole time she had a job and wasn’t injured. And she had good answers to all the interview questions.

So I told my mom everything after she left and said I was willing to give her a chance. After all she’s gonna be on call so it’s not like we depend on her all the time. I sure hope we can depend on her for the times we need though. I am very motivated to have days off next week lol.

So mom called her and told her she’s hired… to come Thursday and I will train her. My third training day in like that many months. Ugh.

So even though I wrote another novel I have to add that Luis came over today and DAMN. 😈😈. I wanted him to come this weekend, he had talked about coming Friday so I was ready to fit him in. But then he said nah, Saturday is better. But I heard nada that day and I knew he was busy Sunday. He tried yesterday, but I had gym day and the late interview. So today was the day.

He joked he was gonna call in sick when he heard I had the day off. But he didn’t. He got off early and ran home QUICK… for once. That’s always the issue he goes home and stays too long and it’s late and he needs an excuse. Before 530 no explanation required.

He made it at 230 and we were slow, which isn’t often the case. Almost as soon as he walked in the door we started touching each other. It felt super good to again be having a regular sexual relationship even though it’s not exactly normal.

It was good and I could go for more lol.

He sent me another song that reminds him of us and this situation. A few days before he sent me the one that he’d dedicated to us back in like 2004 or something. I have to admit I enjoy the attention when I have the extreme lack there of.

Well, I guess the novel should end at some point and maybe that’s now.

Friday, 10:38am

I said in the last entry I needed to be outside at the same time as Seth to gage how likely it is he’s gonna try to talk to me again. Well like 20 minutes ago that happened and it felt cold as ice.

He left as like 730 am. I happened to be awake and I heard his car turn on… only the thing is with that is that one of his tenants has the same fucking car and it sounds the same fucking way… so now I never really know. Except the tenant leaves at 730am for work most days as I’m up getting ready to leave myself.

So I figured it was her but then checked and it was him… followed by the tenant. I was thinking maybe another race for his god daughter will take him out of town? I had kinda been hoping for that lol. But nah, he pulled up when I was sitting outside with the dog.

He parks on the side which means he’s leaving again. Tonight the city wide Friday market happens again and I know he’ll be there. But that’s not until later.

He does something weird when he parks, almost like something is off with his car. He doesn’t get out for awhile and I can hear his music playing… sounds like Bob Dylan lol. It’s weird how long we’ve been in this relationship and I don’t really know his music tastes. He doesn’t always listen to music in the car… also weird.

As soon as he hops out, my dog starts barking. Seth does his loud sigh and like talks to himself a little… which he sometimes does when he’s about to say something to me. (I don’t know your music but I know your mannerisms)But he walks behind his car, to the sidewalk and quickly into his driveway and disappears as he gets closer to his door. It was fast. I felt it. It was the first time I’ve felt that actual pain inside for awhile. I’ve been kinda numb.

Counselor says well… you’re getting more detached. Yes, that is true. I could completely detach but he’s right there. There’s no abuse between us but leaving the relationship is kinda the same process. The things against us have grown enormously, like often it does with couples. So much hurt has been accumulating and you can’t even justify it. It can’t be repaired. At least without professional help.

If he was just capable of even the slightest amount of emotional conversation things would be so much better. But he’s not, at least not now. And he’s not doing anything what so ever to try and improve his skills.

99% of relationships that I’ve been in and been completely and utterly in love with the person it always comes down to something like this. And it always seems like the dude could make the changes if they really wanted to. If I was actually worth it to them, but they never do. They don’t even like take serious steps… eventually I have to walk away. And they always come back and say they changed and they never do. They have to just rub me so much the wrong way that I can’t take it anymore.

Maybe Seth got there before me. But at the same fucking time how ironic, right? The problem himself has reached his limits with ME and my responses to his off the wall behavior. Or maybe not even behavior but utter inability to communicate about emotion.

I know from his view, I went off my rocker that day with the intensity of text and the mean shit I said. Especially on the first Mother’s Day after he lost his mom. This is only if the dude I saw at Applebees with that bitch wasn’t actually him.

I told my counselor the only reason I feel bad about that reaction if it wasn’t him because of the mom thing. Otherwise, I’m just reacting crazy to a man who drives me crazy with his hot and cold bs.

I want to tell him that he’ll never not get crazy if he chooses to enter romantic relationships when he can’t feel love and can’t communicate anything about feelings. I will definitely tell him that if we ever speak again lol.

I was also thinking that if we talk again and I explain what happened with the understanding I agree it wasn’t him (only chance ima talk with him long term) I would say the truth; I was absolutely certain and both Mariana and Francisco thought it was you also. It wasn’t just me. But… I thought I’d throw in a little lie with it and say I saw a flower on the table, like it was clearly a date these people were on. Of course I didn’t see that, but if it was him he would know that.

It’s not that I think he would admit right then it was him and he definitely had no flowers, so why am I lying? But I would watch his face to see his reaction. And if it wasn’t him for reals, no harm, no foul.

I’m so pathetic, I swear to the fucking powers that be.

Last night when I finally decided to cook something for dinner I was listening to Mexican music. It started with me just singing this one super sad song that I’ve always loved but for some reason I was drawing a blank on some of the lyrics. How can this be??? So I looked it up and it was false panic, the words were all there in my head 😂😂. Just needed the music. But anyways iTunes busts with a whole playlist of Mexican hits from my days (late 90s-early 2000) that were on the subject of love, mostly the depressing parts.

I started to remember how intense the songs are. Like you feel something for someone and you want to find a song that says what you’re feeling, right? But idk comparatively the majority of songs in English are lacking.

I also got that feeling of remembering how intense the relationships with my Latino exes were. I get all wrapped up in how I could easily find somebody to date. Easily. But I want substance and potential for serious longevity at this point. Like I’ve done reached the top of the hill in life and now I’m on my way down that hill, for fucks’ sake. And then I remember I have to have the herpes talk, and really that shuts down all the good feelings about going out there again.

And you know it’s not even necessarily the potential rejection in of itself. It’s what I see is an inevitability a encender un fuego de chisme. To light a fire of gossip. And this is a small fucking area. The Latino community is even smaller. 😢

And then I remember the call from Michael, accusing me of not disclosing to him I have it before I slept with him. Except I didn’t have it then… but the larger issue is that he knew and I’m not sure how. And that means the word is already out there.

I’ll just stick with Luis for my physical needs. I been just thinking maybe I’ll just encounter this person in life. Then I remember that’s the exact mentality I thought before I met Seth and I thought he was the natural “encounter” I had been waiting for. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Estúpida

I’m awaiting Francisco’s visit, he is coming on his lunch.

I have a dentist appointment at 340.

Must do the gym today.

I have several chores that really need to be done this weekend and I just want to be lazy.

Weather has been nice and actually warm (by warm I mean 62-65 degrees) and sunny all week. Bizarre lol… even the weather reporter guy was remarking this. Usually it’s “June gloom” all month long. I’m knocking on wood.

Last night I didn’t get a chance to work on the new laptop with my old one to attempt to transfer Lightroom and whatever else I could until like 930. I had to download this program on my old laptop and I did it with little problem, but then it wouldn’t open. I tried for like 30 minutes to get it to open! I was infuriated. By that point it was like 1130 so I just shut it all down and hope to try today. I want to dedicate a lot of time this weekend to it.

I need a distraction.

I must force myself to go see my grandma. I need to do it tomorrow but I may wait until Sunday. If I go tomorrow I could potentially get food from my favorite restaurant 😂. They are closed Sunday.

This morning I heard a ruckus out back and sounded like people yelling and I looked and it was the neighbor getting beat up on by her boyfriend. This is the neighbor who had me do the balloons and senior portraits for her family. Although this has happened several times before, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it happen. When I saw him smack her I opened the door and yelled at him to take his hands off her and he ignored me and yelled at her and she yelled back and told him to leave and if not her neighbors would call the cops. Something about him ruining her car.

What felt really bad about it is that the little girl next door must have seen it happen too and she ran out as soon as the dude was out the yard and asked the neighbor if she was ok. The neighbor said yeah and went in and I told the girl try to not watch the ugly if she can help it.

The awkward part is I know the dude is gonna be back here in a few days again. And I’ll have to see him all the time and have to be “cool” with that after I yelled at him too and accused him of man tantrums.

I just don’t understand what the girl thinks she needs in that dude. He definitely has no job and obviously sells drugs. But not over here so idc. He’s ugly and he talks super fast and intense. But like all the time so it’s not like drugs. Her daughter has seen him beat on her and most the neighbors. Now the new neighbors, including the little girl watched it happened and it obviously disturbed her.

I wonder about the little girl and where her mother is. Not anywhere around here. At least now I know through talking with her that she was in fact in school, even though it was an independent study program. She seems far too social, inquisitive and articulate to be wasted not in school, sitting at home.

It sounds like she’s going to in person school next year, which is good.

I don’t know where her mother is but she’s definitely seeking out my attention and I’m trying to give it to her. Most the times I’m outside she is too. A lot of the neighbors have kids so they play outside more. She adores my dog (her and all the kids) and many times she’ll be inside and hear him barking and come out. He’s finally getting used to her and letting her pet him more.

She’s knocked on my door asking for recyclables… always after trash day lol. Her and the other neighbor girl knocked and asked me to throw water on them on a rare hot day with these little buckets they had. She knocked and showed me a swan she carved out of an apple, which was pretty impressive. She’s always excited about all my decorations. And she’s came and helped me cut the grass in my little back yard when it gets too tall for the dog to like to go back there. And when I say cut the grass I mean with actual scissors and I use hedgers lol.

I am continuing this entry at 711 pm.

When I was working on the floor with the computers my leg went into the worst spasm it has ever went into. So fucking intense, it’s never felt like that before. It was like stuck solid in this weird way… the muscle looked visibly odd and my foot kinda curled to the side and my toes were weird. And the scariest part was how stuck it was. Like I get spasms all the time these past couple years but never did it get like a rock hard.

I was sitting cross legged and went to straighten it and it hit. And so I desperately tried to get away from the computers to have room and it was like an inflating balloon into the straight and spasm weird position. Usually I start to try and pull my foot back but it wouldn’t respond. It was stuck straight and I could not easily stand up to try and stretch it out that way. I tried to massage it out but it was like trying to rub a rock. This point I start crying intensely.

I frantically grabbed one of the dogs toy ball and began to push it into my leg and try to massage it. I put it under my calf and moved my body to move my leg over it and that finally started to release it slightly. It took awhile to work enough to where I could stand up and begin to attempt to stretch it out like it usual.

But it did not go down very easily still and then it felt weird and weak. It was sore. And the twitching fired up and hasn’t stopped ever since.

I’ve noticed the leg firing up over the last 24 hours. My ass was twitching intensely and then it went all over the back of my leg throughout the day. My feet have both been hurting a lot but then my two middle toes just felt weird and then the bottom of my foot felt just like somebody took their finger and pressed it hard into my foot. It felt so much like that it was a trip nothing was actually happening at all.

Even now my left arm and hand/wrist feel kinda weak and shaky. My right arm was shaking slightly.

Super scary.

I decided to not go to the gym today, rather rest it till tomorrow. Even though I feel lazy and unaccomplished as a result. But I could make shit worse and there’s no reason why I can’t go manana. After all it’s always very slow on the weekends and we know in love that.

Still I wanted to be done.

My feelings were hurt when a half an hour before the Friday night festival I see Seth is already gone. I keep hopefully checking to see if he came home here soon and reason he really didn’t go there. But I know he did and he won’t be home until near 9.

What on earth does he do there every single time??? The whole time?? I think I remember he once said someone he knows runs a bar down there and he goes to support them? Idk. I shouldn’t care but I’m still sad. I imagine him strolling around town with the bitch I saw with him at Applebees. No shame with that old lady, but me yes.

I tried to move my photo editing program over to the new computer but I was right initially, it’s never gonna work via these different platforms. It’s not gonna work with any of those programs.

I need to download and pay. I need to add the cricut machine, the printer. I need to go take some pics so I can edit them And see how it plays out. Hopefully easily.

Tomorrow the “pulpo magnifico” will be down town to celebrate the dude who made him and I kinda want to go. I’ve always wanted to see it in person. You should look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Which most don’t unless they’re in the know with burning man.

I have to visit grandma manana cause Sunday is the protest I temporarily forgot about!

UPDATE, 7:51pm