*Way Beyond The Wonder Years*

American “exceptionalism” on full display

Number one cause of death in pregnancy is homicide.

Wednesday, 6:21am

My attempts at sleeping earlier and more solid have collapsed, which is why I’m writing at this ungodly hour.

I have been sleeping at 3-430am most nights, and it’s mostly been my fault but also my thyroid levels make me a natural tweaker lol. I keep messing with my phone, often on YouTube and before I know it, it’s 430am.

But last night I avoided YouTube and just looked at Zillow to scope out the cool and unique houses. By 1130 I decided it’s sleep time. And I did sleep but then I heard a knock on the door and Mariana needed some pain meds for cramps. Then i struggled a bit to sleep but around 230 I realized the dog was positioned at the very end of the bed like he does when he wants something. I originally thought maybe a drink of water, but no he wanted down. I figured he had to go to the bathroom, but when he didn’t I was confused.

And he hasn’t wanted to return up here on the bed either, which is rare. He has been acting kind of weird the past couple days and this just made me wonder if something isn’t going on. And I haven’t been able to return to sleep because my busy and worried mind. It reminded me for sure I have to find a way to make some steady income because the anxiety of knowing any extra expense at all what so ever is now a humongous obstacle again. There’s trauma in this.

On social security and my small Ssi money I make less than what it would take to rent an apartment where I live. 1,246 dollars a month in California is what I’m working with. And I’m not even entitled to food stamps. Luckily I’ve been getting child support rather regularly, which adds 400 to the mix, but ultimately he decides when and how much to send.

The dog has been sleeping peacefully in his bed on the floor. MAYBE he was feeling too hot? I have the fan on. My bedroom gets so hot whenever the day is sunny, even if it never really tops 69 degrees at the hottest. I believe we still haven’t officially hit over 70 this whole entire year.

So I’ve been doing good and walking the dog pretty much everyday. I’ve noticed that he seems bored when I sit on my computer and work for long periods of time. He seems restless, which kinda worries me. But ultimately I’ve been working to get healthier with exercise and I’ve felt bad neglecting the dog in that way. So walks every day it is. He used to get so scared on walks but he’s been doing pretty good. I think it’s cause he doesn’t hear as well anymore so it helps his nerves.

So yeah, we take off down our street and the second I turn the corner I see someone walking straight my way and before too long I realize it was Seth.

Oh damn. My insides got all crazy… what encounter are we about to have? There’s no way we won’t greet each other, like it’s unavoidable. And of course I’ve been wanting that to happen even though he’s been acting like I don’t exist.

And when I see him recognize me and he’s smiling. I smile back and as he gets closer he asked since when have I been walking the dog, as he knew my struggle with his anxiety. He reaches down to pet him and the dog wags his tail and lets him… so I guess he still recognizes Seth after all this time. Well I guess it’s my really “all this time” but it’s been well over a year since Seth came over to my house. We always spent more time at his for obvious reasons (he lives alone) but he used to come over for dinners and occasionally just to visit.

I had already been paranoid about Seth earlier that day. I had noticed somebody pulled into the driveway and I thought maybe they’d decided on a new tenant already and they were moving in. Of course I wanted to see who tf it was, and most importantly was it a woman because the camera wasn’t super clear. Looked kinda like an old man but wasn’t sure.

So I obsessively watched until they came outside and then I went upstairs to actually look and eavesdrop about the situation. It was definitely an old dude and Seth definitely knew him well enough because he hugged him when he left. I was reassured. Although when I was eavesdropping I think he was talking shit about my apartments because I heard him say “that’s section 8, and that’s section 8…” And I tried to ear hustle harder to hear what followed that statement but the neighbors decided it was time to start their super noisy truck.

It stung to think he was talking shit but I guess these apartments have caused a lot of unnecessary danger and nuisance over the years. BUT NOT ME. He literally dated this woman in “section 8” for over 7 years but talk shit. Plus these aren’t even section 8 apartments, they’re public housing. Different programs. Section 8 attaches to the person to rent where accepted, while public housing belongs buildings belong to the federal government.

I was about to stop watching when I saw junkyard grandma waltzing down the street with her obnoxious dog. Of course she was. She saw Seth out there talking. And her dog is instantly obnoxious, barking loudly at Seth and his old man friend. Seth quickly says goodbye and encourages the lady and her dog to walk down the street, out of the driveway. I freak out thinking IT HE GONNA WALK WITH THAT BITCH??”

But he didn’t. They stopped on the corner and talked. I tried to hear their convo but I couldn’t really. More I was interested in their body language or if there was any hint that things had ever gone beyond neighbors. But I was relieved that Seth was closed off, facing the fence and not right next to her. She was of course touching her hair and putting her arms on her hips, talking dramatically. Lady you should be embarrassed… he’s 40 and you’re at least 65… what you even doing? Go parade your dog up the block by the senior center.

But it did make me feel better. That was one positive of the sad death of his dog that I never really saw them talk now that he wasn’t walking the dog everyday.

So anyways, there he was right in front of me. It did occur to me that maybe he was having the same basic, polite conversation with me that he had with junkyard grandma. Maybe. But his body language was fully directed at me lol.

We talked about the dog and his walks and then I mentioned I noticed the rental was empty again and damn, kinda fast. He laughed when he said his dad freaked out about it, but I already knew he would because last time the people moved out he was mad that he couldn’t have long term tenants. The last 3 stayed at least 1.5 years, the one that lived in the mother in law unit where Seth lives now stayed well over 2 years.

Seth and I had talked about how most renters that rent houses are families and when you’re family is growing situations rapidly change. Shit, situations change even if you’re not a family. It seems unrealistic to expect long term tenants. I think his expectations stemmed from a previous rental down south where the people stayed over a decade without issue. Sometimes you get lucky.

I guess the tenants that just left went back to the neighboring state they came from because the lady’s mother became ill and really needed live in care. Shit happens.

He said the old guy who was just there was his tax dude and the dude was like “let me know the next time this comes open” but the dude has like a 5 bedroom house. I asked why he would want to downgrade and he was like well their age. Yeah makes sense I guess. Which lead me talking about my aunt and the compound in their new sundowner town and how it seems very short sighted. I also mentioned grandma had fallen and broke her leg and was now most likely permanently in a care home.

He said he was sorry to hear that and joked about her probably proving us wrong and walk again and all that. As how many times has she got so close to death or at the very least being immobile and she’s bounced back. He said “watch she’s perfectly ok” and I said well she actually is ok in all other aspects besides the broken leg and her previous 400 conditions. But I said even if she can physically return to walking I really doubt she could mentally do it.

He mentioned he’d gone a couple times to the care home of this one lady he cared for that had dementia and is now in a care home. She doesn’t remember who he is but seems to enjoy the visits. Things like that are the reasons why I feel such love for that man. I never would have imagined him as a caregiver if you would have told me before he started to do it. I even doubted he would like it once he started, but seems he does.

We said a few more things and kinda got quiet and then he said oh he’d let us get back to our walk and I said ok and see you later.

Noticeably absent from our catch up talk was an invitation to come over and continue the catch up conversation. That’s usual what follows. But things are more complicated between us now. I thought to myself what I would have done had he said that. Of course I would have came over… but am not sure how all the conversations would go after the explosiveness of after my bday and then Mother’s Day.

I left thinking of the thought am I just another neighbor like the junkyard grandma he has basic conversations with on the street now? Probably. But I’m pretty sure he was thinking about us and every thing after that convo like I was all night. I try to make myself feel better thinking of how I have treated him and knowing that he’s never had any other relationship even remotely like what we had. And honestly he doesn’t deserve another one until he learns how to talk about emotions!

In other news I did manage to register for the photography class 😮😮🎉🎉. The professor finally got back to me and sent me a new link that made the class reappear in my waitlist and I registered and paid 100 dollars right then. Only I’m not entirely sure what I paid for because I calculated a higher rate for the class based on how much they charge for a unit… like 48 bucks. (Back in 99 it was 11$ 😂). And I know I still need to pay some other shit, get a parking pass and get the book. I wanted to buy a tangible copy of the book but even used it’s like 52 bucks. Like fuck. So I guess I’m gonna buy a digital copy cause I can find it under 20. I’ve never bought a digital book of any sorts before.

I also haven’t been in school since 2011. I had been so overwhelmed trying to just get into the class period and paying for it, but looming is actually attending the class, learning and keeping up. I’m nervous as hell really. But I try to reassure myself I already have a solid af base in photography, know how to use the editing program already, so I’m ahead of the game.

As I couldn’t sleep I kept thinking about the bigger goal of actually getting a degree. Always been my dream. But all I can think about is the math and how I really just can’t with it. That’s honestly been one of the biggest factors to not ever going through with it. I envision finishing all my classes for a degree and still not being able to pass pre algebra. I’ve taken pre algebra how many times? Twice in high school and once in college and I couldn’t even get a c.

Yet I was in honors English and Spanish.

The other two humongous factors in not getting a degree was being a single parent to two kids and having to work. There wasn’t time or energy to take too many classes. Which leads to the other factor of my depression and mental illness and knowing full well I still could not handle a full schedule of classes. Even without a job and kids.

But dude if Seth got a degree and lots of my friends have done it then I can fucking do it. We’ll see how I feel after this class. That’s another reason it’s good for me to take it I think.

Kandy officially asked me to do their wedding pics and they moved it up from 2028 to next year in August. They’re doing it at the place we rent for group camp, it’s gonna be perfect for them I think. Ive been in a wedding there before and always thought how nice it would be to marry there under the redwoods, near the river. Having the whole campground available for anyone who wants to stay the night after, being its a little ways out in the boonies on a dark and twisty ass road

She offered me her Nikon camera, if mine was having issues still. I’ve always used cannon but it looks to be about the equivalent to mine. She even said I could use it for the class if need be. That was nice.

I told her I wouldn’t charge her for the wedding pics, that was my gift. After all she’s done so much for me since we’ve been friends. Just be patient with the editing, I asked. Not a problem, she said.

We also addressed the odd drama that’s playing out with Caleb. And I don’t fucking like it to be honest and I want to confront him on it. Kandy was pretty adamant she didn’t want me to mention she had said anything, but Danila, who I was originally talking about this with her last weekend at the river never said don’t mention me.

The drama is that Caleb defriended pretty much all the group from Facebook. Danila had said she asked him about it but I can’t even remember the reason he gave her but it was lame. I kinda dismissed it as him being weird like he can be, especially since his dui and dramatic transformation with going to school and working out more than once a day at the gym. But when Kandy told me he also defriended her, and that she looked at his page and they only had 1 mutual friend, who was not even someone I knew he knew at all. Like what the actual fuck??

This was on top of the whole drama at my birthday party. How I didn’t invite Sylvia to make Caleb comfortable but then he didn’t even show up, he went to the gym. Where he already goes twice a day. That hurt my feelings and felt disrespectful, but I wasn’t like oh we’re not friends anymore. I wouldn’t have deleted him from social media for anything like that if I even had social media right now.

I went over to his Facebook to check out the situation. I can’t see a friend list, but I can see who’s liking his public pics and post. None of our good friends, but several people I know he’s not even close to. Even my massage lady is on his friend list but not actually people who considered him as a friend.

Caleb and Alejandro are from my og friends… my Mexican life, so to speak lol. At some point I introduced them to my new friend group and they’ve all embraced him. Shit he was at the Christmas party declaring how much he loves us all and how we don’t get together nearly enough. But now he defriended everybody.

And I have a problem with that. Especially when none of them have any idea why. Like how do I bring you into my friend group and act like this? It’s kinda embarrassing because I always defend his ass when he’s acting out of pocket.

You’re our friend all the time in every context or you’re not really a friend. That’s always been my view of shit. Especially people you consider your good friend.

He always loves to tell everybody how he’s known me the longest out of everybody around here as we met in 99 or maybe 2000. Maybe he needs a reminder what it means to have friendships, and really he loves to be confrontational on his own terms so maybe I’m about to flip the script on him for once.

I wouldn’t expect this to be a conversation that would end a friendship, but who am I to say? If it does it’s obvious he’s not the person I thought he was.

Pretty sure this will have to go down at the gym being it’s the most common place I see him, although I haven’t in a few weeks. I’ve been going different times. It’s a conversation I want to have face to face.

I got all worked up about it yesterday but the thought of any confrontation sucks. But I’m not a push over and I think he needs to know how his actions affect those around him. And I don’t want to hear any “it’s just the internet, not real life.” YEAH… NOT ANYMORE. There’s no real line between the virtual world and the real world these days.

Interestingly enough I got a call from Alejandro like 4-5 days ago saying that Caleb and him had decided to do a quinceañera for their daughter after all and they’re trying to do it in January… kinda a time crunch but it can be done of course. Caleb had talked to me about wanting to do this years ago and wanting my help and I’d even created a board on Pinterest specifically for that. But then he never said anything so I figured they changed their mind.

I was, as always, ecstatic to help with things like that. Especially quinces, they’ve always been my favorite. I told Alejandro I was all in, let’s all get together and make solid plans about it.

Thinking back it was odd that Alejandro called to talk about it initially… in fact when he called he started with “have you talked to Caleb?” And I immediately got scared because i hadn’t even seen him at the gym for a good while. But when he said what the convo was really about I was happy.

But it does make me feel a little less inclined to jump on board and go all out for someone who’s being as fickle with friendships as he’s being lately and with people who don’t deserve it.

Well damn it’s already almost 8am. Phone says I managed 3 hours and 3 minutes of sleep over the 7 or so hours I’ve been in bed. I’m gonna be dragging today and it’s a gym day. I also have to go to my parents and wash clothes because I’m way behind with that. I have to go out to the vets and get the dog some itch meds because he’s been itching like crazy. It’s the most expensive prescription too. I am pretty sure I need one more case of food to last the month so if I buy those two things and plus the school expenses I will probably spend all the money I have for the whole entire month.

Who needs to eat, right?

Not me too much without weed lol. I’ve been smoking so much less trying to conserve and my appetite is super low. I got in a nausea loop yesterday for the first time in a really long time. A nausea loop be when you have no appetite and haven’t eaten for so long you start to feel super nauseous and must eat- only you’re so nauseous the mere thought of any food makes you feel even more nauseated.

The only food I felt I could stomach was some fruit but I realized we had none. I’d tried to keep some canned at all times since I need fruit and it’s often what I can stomach when I don’t feel too good. I thought well maybe I can go to the store but I felt so much like throwing up I knew I couldn’t wait. I basically force fed myself some toast. I asked Mariana to buy me some fruit when she left to Costco even though I knew she wouldn’t be back for hours. She did.

I got some concentrate (but didn’t buy food or fruit because the hunger had settled with the toast and I still couldn’t think of anything I wanted to eat at all) and once I smoked some my appetite came around and I was able to eat some enchiladas I made earlier in the week. Plus strawberries later.

I still didn’t visit grandma and have felt guilty as hell. When i went last week her arms and hands were swollen and she didn’t look right. The worker lady agreed and said she’d talk to the doctors or whoever. But of course I told my mom, unfortunately she has been sick with a bad cold. But she figured out that they were not giving her the right dose of a certain medicine and it makes her retain water. And my mom had said yesterday she was gonna push them to send her to the er to check it out and if anything else was off because they’d given her breathing treatments and she hasn’t really ever had those.

So I waited to see what my mom said and she said nada. I text her and still nada.

What I wish was nada was the overwhelming amount of text Avondre has been sending me and ALL videos. Just like blue eyes would do on ig and it was so annoying. I don’t really like videos and you’re expecting me to watch how many a day of your choosing? Which most have nothing to do with things I care aboutabout. Plus he keeps sending links from ig and I told him I’m not using it anymore, but still. I currently have 10 text messages, all from him and all video links. If you open the text there’s easily 20 already in there that I haven’t watched or even replied to. You’d think he’d get the hint but maybe I have to be super direct.

Had to come back to add there are 32 video links he’s sent and I haven’t reacted to any of them.

-- Sunday, 2:42Pm

The spiraling continues.

Although it was temporarily derailed yesterday by spending the majority of the day at the river. Ahhhh the river! Always the happy place I need.

Danila and her oldest daughter and boyfriend were out at my favorite river spot camping this weekend and she invited me to come out and go to the river if I wanted. I chose to go Saturday.

And it was marvelous. Only sad thing is that it is most likely my last river day there. I am trying to not let it be my last river day of the summer however. Now we have to go to the bigger rivers. Its coming to the end of summer so this is the safer time to go out there.

Last month 3 people drowned in that river in 3 separate incidents in the span of one week. There has been this saying around forever that the natives won't go swimming in the river until it had taken 3 souls so ... seems like its time.

I wont be going next week because I have committed to getting the laser removal on my eyebrows and will have to be stuck at home for like a week. Danila and I made rough plans for Saturday two weeks from now. YESSS

Hopefully I don't drown because of my spasms. Knock on wood but I have avoided leg spasms since the massage while swimming. Really all spasms if I think about it. YESSS. But last two river times I did feel the feelings of it could at any time spasm but I tried hard to stretch my leg in opposite positions. It worked thankfully.

I have continued the anxiety and sadness around Seth. Somewhat inexplicably considering id been handling it pretty well.

It got bad the other day when I was outside and he walked down the street and the dog started barking. There were no cars obstructing the view. I looked straight at him for awhile because I didn't recognize him. It was the perfect set up for talking to me again based on countless past times. But he acted like he didn't notice our existence. Not even the dog. I was glad I was wearing sunglasses because it made me cry.

Made me run with the thought he is dating someone new since he's constantly gone and for long hours. That he seems to be having a great life.

I did notice one thing when he walked by ignoring my existence... he looked like he may have gotten fatter. He also shaved off all his facial hair, which I always hated him to do. It almost looked like he had gotten his hair trimmed just a little. Wonder if his new girlfriend wanted these changes. He seems to be feeling great.

The other thing I noticed awhile ago about the rental was. that one of the roommates hadn't been there in a long time. It seemed most the short time they'd been there that they were both busy and since summer it seemed like they were both taking turns going out of town and maybe even went once or twice together. But I did notice that it had been at least 3 weeks since I seen the female roommate.

Hmm. I kept thinking it would be expensive if the other dude was trying to keep the place on his own. Last week I saw him carefully filling his car with stuff. I was suspicious he was maybe moving out. I saw Seth go in the rental with him and I just had a feeling the dude was leaving too.

And it seems I was right. Like two days later I saw Seth in there and it was empty and there was a couple looking at it. I had looked the day I thought the former tenant moved out to see if it was listed anywhere and I didn't find it. But I looked the day I saw the couple looking at it and I saw that it was listed again.

Damn those other tenants didn't last very long at all. I was curious to know but I know I never will.

Now I get filled with anxiety of who will move in there. Will they let it be a nice looking women, possibly single that will pick up with Seth? Or that Seth will be in to?? Id like to think he learned his lesson with being involved aromatically with neighbors but ya never know.

The people I saw looking at it with Seth were a couple. that works for me lol. But today I saw a lady looking around and then Seths dad came to show her the place and she was alone. She looked like late 30s and most likely pregnant. I think... maybe fat?? LOL. But she waited like 30 minutes for Seths dad to sho3w up and I was like fuck... don't pick anyone who's a single woman!!

Later on I was outside with the dog and I saw Seths dad come out with another person from the rental. It was a lady who looked around Seth and my age and she was alone. Worse yet he was talking about Seth! And he used his name.

I heard him say that he quit his long term company and was now taking care of elders. It seemed like he was about to talk some shit but all of a sudden he said whatever he was about to say quieter. I think he saw that I was right there and thats why he quieted down. But his voice is naturally booming (Seth says "he was a teacher after all") and he started talking about the old guy Seth had been taking care of. It sounded like he asked the lady if she knew the guy. And then I heard him say something about a boxing club and that he was encouraging Seth to do that.

I think he means a boxing club for Parkinson's. I think I remember Seth saying his homie g he took care of had been involved in that. So idk if Seths dad was saying Seth was working there now or what. I guess Ill never know.

I was sure curious as fuck and jealous that Seths dad was telling this female so much about Seth. Why?????? Why would she need to know so much if she's a potential tenant?? Is she someone who knows them already?? That would be worse because then he'd definitely be friendly with her if she lived there. It could move into something else or at the very least I have to watch their friendship blossom. The dude that was like my best friend who has forgotten I exist.

Oh that would hurt. Oh I hope Seths dad decides to not go there.

I saw the lady walk off to the side of the house. I wasn't sure but I think I saw a car drive by not too long after that and there was another person in the front seat too.

I hope this gets resolved quick and it will be someone very obviously not gonna be friends or anything with Seth. I just cant handle seeing that.

I also had a major breakdown because I washed my hair and it was one of the worst times in regards to hair loss. Just so much hair. I cant even believe I have any hair left at all!! I did get super upset and was like should I just brush it all out?? Just get it over with instead of letting it happens little by little??? I can't handle losing my hair!!!

But it's falling out really bad. I often use the security camera in the front porch to look at myself with a better view and I could (again) see my scalp easily through my hair all over my head. In addition to the sides of the front of my hair. I feel so horrible about that.

Im losing the appearance war and fast.

Went to see grandma on Wednesday finally. I must have been high and blind because I didn't reocgbnie her at all twice and had someone point her out to me and still didn't look like her! I think its was the way they had her hair and that her arms looked so huge. I realized as I was sitting there that her arms were very swollen and so I tried to get the nurses to address the issue and talk to my mom about it. I text my mom so she'll know. I said I was gonna go today but shit I want a day to not do ANYTHING

I tried friday to call the school counselor at the college in regard to all the dumb shit with registering for a photography class. I left a message and waited everyday with no response. I want to just give up. I am playing with the idea of going down there in person next week and seeing if I cant save the opportunity. I need a job and I don't want to find some thing that deletes my opportunity to take the class. Thats been the storey of my whole life.

Luis keeps trying to get together but Ive held him away for awhile now.Today was the first day where I considered maybe im okay with him coming over to play.

Ugh im tired.

Does anybody actually like it when somebody repeatedly sends them videos to watch? I mean like several times a day, every day? And when it’s almost the only interaction they have with you?????

Anyone??

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it when people send pointed content my way. Memes, articles, videos that have something to do with our connection. That they saw and instantly thought I’d laugh my ass off literally. Or things they know I’m passionate about. And of course even more importantly, things that might be for my safety such as a crime reported on your block or an emergency alert.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I feel like maybe I encouraged it. But that was under the false pretenses!! I always initially think they were content for me specifically. And in some cases, that’s how it starts.

But then it’s bombardment. And I watch the videos (respectfully) and realize this person actually doesn’t even know me AT ALL. Inevitably the time comes (usually pretty quickly) that they’re sending me things that anyone who knew me would never send to me.

For example, my ex, my newest addition to the list of people who do this to me just sent me a video on a sugar glider as a pet. I cringed watching the video. Anyone who knows me knows I’m on a recent crusade against primates as pets. All exotic pets included. So then I felt I had to take the time to advocate against even entertaining the thought of such a thing.

I’m an odd person out in this world because I enjoy video on a very limited basis. When I do I need to give it my undivided attention. Lots of times I turn the audio off and read the captions if possible, and it annoys me when I can’t.

So possibly I’m just weird to not enjoy this at all.

Let me know.

Bottom line watching each of these videos anyone sends me takes me finding time to give it undivided attention and the time to watch the whole thing. Then feel pressured to respond. After awhile it feels like such an encroachment in my time and for what? The videos aren’t even for me.

They begin to accumulate and I begin to attempt to avoid to look at the number notification on my phone. I hate it.

Ignoring them may slow them down but any time I engage in any way it will often re ignite the intensity of videos once again.

My other question is maybe the most important. After all I’m always on empathy overload. Why do these people do this? I realize many of these people do it to several other people, not just me.

Maybe that’s just their way of staying in touch? They don’t think words will suffice? I promise, words will suffice.

-- Wednesday, 10:44Am

Dude im spiraling into a fucked up depression and I guess im here for it.

Im just feeling so fucking discouraged about everything.

Shit on the news they did a story about an organization helping to fix people's teeth to help them get jobs and I started to think about my own ugly ass mouth, missing two visible teeth on the top. I never even considered someone turning me down because of that until I saw this news report. Great. Another thing to weigh me down. Then again I don't even qualify for any job that really needs someone who doesn't look like a fat tweaker.

As I mentioned last entry I finally got through the electronic maze that one needs to navigate to enroll in classes at the local college and attempted to enroll in photography, only to find it was full and all I could do was add to the wait list. I did my financial aid and they informed me art was no longer a qualifying program for financial aid. So I'll have to pay for it myself in addition to all their dumb ass fees, parking pass, a book and a class fee. Luckily I already have a nice camera and a subscription to Lightroom, which id need.

My plan was to show up for the first class, as I was informed to do. I went to check my email and check how much I needed to pay several days ago and AGAIN couldn't get into my email. After trying again I just gave up. I could still get into the page that says my classes and should say how much I need to pay, but I couldn't find it. I decided to call the counseling office, but it went straight to voicemail, so I didn't leave one. I tried back two more times and same shit happened, so last time I left a message. I turned my phone on loud (it's always on silent) and waited for a reply. One came but I didn't hear it and I missed the stupid call.

When I called back I got voicemail two more times. Then I finally got the person and they answered and I started to speak and the phone hung up. I decided that was enough fucking effort.

I got into my email finally yesterday, by going through the whole dumb process to change passwords and shit. And then I discovered I had an email from the photography teacher and he said I could join the class, all I had to do was follow the link. Only that was five plus days ago. I couldn't get the link to work so I went over into the other place where the classes were to do it manually. Only when I went over to my classes I was NO LONGER ON THE WAITLIST. I have no idea what the fuck happened???????? The email to accept the offer to join the class said I had until the Thursday before class starts to join and thats NEXT Thursday, not tomorrow.

I messaged the teacher to ask if it was too late but I havent gotten a reply. Im so fucking pissed and defeated. If I cant figure this out then fuck it all. What do I need an education for when I cant even hold a fucking full-time job?? Right? What a waste.

I feel like a full fucking waste.

Ive lost all the confidence I ever had to attempt to find a job. Im paralyzed by the thoughts of having to cover up my mental illness again and hope so hard that it doesn't manifest intensely and then I start the calling in sick train. Me having to lie about it being mental health but after awhile I cant even think of more excuses.

They had a job at Walmart to fulfill the online orders and it was part time and I thought it seemed good. I know where everything is in the store already lol. But with my feet hurting constantly it just seems like a disaster to take a job ill be on my feet all day.

Im waiting for my appointment on the 18th to hopefully address that and the spasms.

Luis keeps messaging and I just kinda wish he'd stop. Like he can easily go 2 weeks without messaging me but when Im not trying to talk to him he is all of a sudden interested. I have replied some, enough for him to get the hint im not doing well. I don't even want to be touched by anybody especially when I know it's only us using each other. I just don't feel that right now.

I feel so very empty.

And damn I miss Seth so fucking bad. It aches. And it's stupid!! I havent felt pain like this pretty much the whole time since the initial pain played out. I have felt so numb but now it's like I would give almost anything to be in his arms being hugged so tightly. Even though that is fake so I don't know why it's something I want more than Luis. Isn't that the same thing? But I don't love Luis, I love Seth. Even though I shouldn't and even though he absolutely doesn't love me.

It's just so hard to see him all the time. So hard to be ignored like I don't even fucking exist. Like Im invisible. It's very apparent this is the last straw and I've been absolutely deleted from his life. And it's so ironic that he was the one to walk away with my behavior being the last straw. All the bull shit stems from him but he's tired of this.

WHY AM I NOT TIRED OF IT???? I am but im not. Im pathetic. Im so utterly pathetic.

I did finally make myself go see my other grandma with my kids on Sunday. IDK I don't think she really enjoyed us even being there. The kids were kinda playing their own little games and being silly around themselves so it did kinda seem like we weren't even visiting. She did complain she had no alcohol, which seemed weird. She is looking forward to getting picked up by my aunt and leaving there.

She pays so much money to be there and when we went to get in at the alarmed door, nobody would come. There was a group of us. Finally the group ahead of us just opened the door and the alarm sounded, but nobody at all came to see what was happening. There was like 10 people sitting at their table in the main room, but no workers around. My grandma was one of the people at the table.

We took her outside and didn't see a single employee. Like damn anyone could have broken in, stolen objects or a resident, and get out with no thang.

We were out there like 15 minutes before I went in to ask for a sunhat for my Grandma and they seemed super surprised anyone was even outside. Even though the door to outside is open and right there next to the table. They didn't notice I had grandma with me and she's not at the table. I also heard them combing this ladies hair and she was screaming and crying and I felt super bad for her. I try not to assume because residents can go on about a lot of things all the time and I don't know how they are. But the lady was being rough with her and she said "well your hair is really snarly" and it made me wonder WHY it was that way? She didn't have a lot of hair so why were they not keeping up with it??

This is the NICEST, highest rated care home in the area. She pays like 9k to be there a month. And the care seems sub par almost to the care my other grandma gets at the lowest rated facility in the area.

Just goes to show even money might not be able to protect you when you age.

Went to the river on Saturday with Danila and it was fun. We went to meet up with Kandy who was camping out there with her man and sister/sisters husband. When we got there however we couldn't find them... they must have went down to the river we assumed. We figured they'd go to the best place which is where we went. But no. We stayed out there until almost 6 and then went up and found them at their camp sight. We visited for like 45 minutes.

Kandy was talking to Danila about this dude that likes her from the weekend or two before when they went gold panning on somebody's private property WAYYY up in the hills. The dude sounded like he could be good but Danila is kinda weird about that. She is really driven on wanting her oldest daughter and her man to move out so she can be fully alone. Idk like she wants to do that, enjoy it before she gets into anyone trespassing on her solidarity. I do get that. But the dude has a construction business and she really could use some help with her house lol. I was like oh come on Danila... construction??? Milk that, lol. IDK if she will.

But in listening to all of that and the happiness Kandy has with her man, along with the fact they were celebrating her sister's anniversary of like 20 years made me feel sad. I am absolutely ecstatic Kandy found her man. Her sister's man is hella cool too and their relationship has always seemed very strong. I want Danila to find somebody too and I know she often doesn't get the attention of guys like some of us younger ones get. Of course some of us "younger ones" are not that young anymore lol.

I just felt sad. Kandy had went through a lot of desperation with dumb ass men, men that lived far away from the internet, oh and a herpes diagnosis of her own but now she's found a really great guy. Almost a perfect fit for her it seems. Of course it makes me think, what about me?

What about me?

As long as I stay stuck on Seth, as long as I don't go anywhere and stay away from social media I will not find anybody. I refuse to do online dating anymore. Plus the thought of trying to date when I have no job, live in the projects, am bipolar, missing teeth, hair falling out, orange eyebrows, oh and the topping to the cake? Herpes. The genital one.

WOW what a great package, huh?

I thought it was interesting Kandy was saying how dudes actually don't like nice girls. They want a girl thats somewhat mean. And I totally dismissed that, like what?? Dudes are always so fucking sensitive and quick to find faults in everything so why would they want someone mean?? But then I thought more and was like... well maybe thats why I don't have good relationships. Im too nice. Im too accommodating. Im too empathetic. And I think I have actually concluded that maybe these are not qualifications that people value. Like they would value them if I didn't give it to them, but they definitely aren't a staying factor.

But I don't really know how to be mean to someone I like, even less love. Not saying in certain circumstances I cant fire back some targeted mean shit. Sometimes thats warranted, right? Don't be a push over. But ive worked very hard to learn to hold my tongue in almost all situations. Especially when im dealing with somebody I love. I know that things said in anger cant really be taken back. You can apologize but the person is always gonna believe thats what you really meant. And I know when things like that accumulate it can really just ruin the relationship forever. Plenty of us are carrying around certain things people we love and thought loved us have told us that have never left our internal dialogue. I don't want to be the cause that on anyone. UNLESS they really fuck me over.

I hope my ex husband thinks of all the mean things ive said to him everyday lol. But the thing is I don't fly off with fucked up things until Im pretty much done. Thats how Seth got cussed the fuck out the other day. I DID say things I hope hurt him that day. Because it felt like he has been disregarding me so much I had to push back.

Don't be a push over.

I never text the people I did the party pics for to say I have the USB. I really just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have decided fuck it, they are not happy with the work I did anyways and that pretty much ended any chance I have of working for them again. Maybe it's too much work to work with them again anyways. I won't be working with ANYONE again for a long time is the plan anyways. At least until I take a photography class, which by the way it looks may have to be waiting until next year.

I will try and increase the pics I take but I won't do it to be paid. Which sucks now especially being I have no money source.

I need to go visit my other grandma because im averaging like once a week and thats not really acceptable.

OHHH but it might need to be. I estimate that I will only be able to fill my tank ONCE a month now.

Today is a gym day and I have to make myself go early because I have been and the days I go in the evening annoy me even more these days.

Now ive finally figured out how to record all my work outs on my watch it's starting to lose its battery power. I usually charge it at night before I go to bed and then put it on to sleep and for the day. It usually lasted through the whole day but now it wants to die every time I get to the gym. Like fuck. Can't win.

I was so fucking pissed when I read this morning that stupid ass stable genius is coming for head start. OF COURSE HE IS!! There is literally NOTHING he will not fuck up. As ive mentioned before I worked for head start a little over a decade and im very strong supporter of what they do. They do SO MUCH GOOD and he wants to ruin it all.

I already know what he's going after. We accept any kid whose parents qualify economically. That means we take undocumented kids. We don't ask. We don't need to ask. I know thats what he's coming for.

I know they're also targeting the intense emphasis the program has on acceptance. The priceless programs we use to teach kids social emotional skills. The programs we teach kids to recognize the feelings of others and in themselves, by their body language. Something we're rapidly losing in the age where everyone is behind a screen all the time. We don't know how to read each other, which increases conflict. These programs are violence prevention, but dumb asses in charge wouldn't recognize that if it stabbed them in the eye.

Also head Start is full of resources for parents and families. We regularly check in with all families to identify where we can help. The idea is based on the obvious; if a child's home is fucked up then their base is fucked up. You gotta work with the foundation, the parents, to assure children do well.

ALSO, we do so many evaluations. We track their development. We can identify issues with kids early so they can get help. And help can come RIGHT into the classroom. By help I mean maybe speech pathologist. Maybe some sort of physical therapy. Leaning parents towards professionals that can diagnose issues and help them. If your kid gets help in preschool it can also follow them into elementary school if need be. And thats a real head start.

The rage I feel EVERY FUCKING DAY reading about everything good in this country being destroyed. By the worst human alive.

I also havent addressed something locally that has happened and is ABOSLUTELY DEVESTATING... now it's making national news. So we have this animal rescue here that has been very embraced by the community. It's been around for probably close to 20 years now, maybe even a little more. They are an animal rescue, but deal pretty much exclusively with dogs. They are "no kill" and were kind of an extension of the humane society, that couldn't possibly keep up with all the dogs that needed homes.

It has had a great reputation. People donate extensively, some even giving him their properties in their will. They have three thrift stores that help them raise funds for the care. I always donated there when I was donating. People would surrender their dogs there when they thought he would work hard to find a suitable home or the dog would just chill there for its natural life if need be.

Over the years there had been some people trying to alert the public there was scandal going on. Many years ago there was a Facebook group that promised "the truth about Miranda's rescue." Usually I don't use real names of anything in this journal but its becoming national news, its so disgusting.

I joined the group because I wanted to know what they were saying and how credible it seemed. I didn't have an opinion either way, although I had heard so many good things about the place that I was skeptical from the get go. But I love dogs so much, so of course I wanted to know everything was as it seemed and not some front for something malevolent.

I don't even remember the accusations, but I do remember they weren't as horrendous as what we recently found out to be the actual truth. What I do remember is that I started to receive private messages from people I didn't even know at all asking me why I was in a group that was "spreading lies" about the rescue. And "didn't I know how much the dude does for the community and the unwanted dogs??" Well I thought I knew, right? But im here to find out. Im objective. It was definitely a red flag that I got those messages knowing what I know now to be true.

So basically some people have been really suspicious of him for some time. They believed he was taking in dogs for money (humane societies, rescues and private parties would pay him to take in dogs they had no room for) and then straight killing them. They started to piece together all the places and people that had been sending dogs to him around the state and just seeing how there was obviously no way he was adopting out that many dogs to such a small community like ours. Especially in such a small time span.

Local residents who were suspicious had people going in undercover. Volunteering there. They came back with tales of some fucked up shit and fucked up treatment. I read several volunteers had seen the owner dude punch and strike dogs straight in the face. Reading that gives me so much sadness and rage I can't even contain it. But really its the Disneyland part of the story.

People complained but law enforcement kept saying there was no evidence behind the accusations. And the laws are broad with one's right to their "property" aka pets.

So one lady who was so convinced and on a crusade to prove her suspicions that she BOUGHT the property right next to his and began to spy on him. Her and some other community members set up trail cameras to catch him doing what they believed him to be doing, killing the dogs soon after they arrived and burying them at night on his property in mass graves. And before too long they saw it on the camera.

BUT THEY DIDNT STOP THERE! After they saw him bury them they broke in to his property and dug the dead dogs up. They took photos. The lady that bought the property next to his had a scanner that read for microchips and they found some and collected the data. They packed the dead dogs up, brought it to their property and called the cops. They wanted to leave no doubt something terrible was going on.

This led to the horrendous discovery that they were absolutely right. This bastard, Shannon Miranda, had been accepting dogs from countless rescues and humane societies for money, he had also been accepting private surrenders for money (up to 1k for some dogs!) and then shooting them dead in the head, burying them on his property. There are also reports that for years hes been throwing them in the river that runs along the back side of his property.

The sheriff got a warrant and brought out a shit ton of people. They brought out equipment to dig up the dead dogs and they found over 100 in the few places they dug up. They were all different breeds, they were all different ages. Some were puppies. Plenty had microchips, which were helpful in proving where they came from and the lies that Miranda told.

THERE ARE OVER 700 DOGS UNACCOUNTED FOR IN A YEARS TIME!!!!! 700!!!! He accepted 700 dogs and MURDERED them. For profit.

They found this one barn where they believed he brought them to murder them. They found over 600 collars in there along with blood spatter, tissue. The day I read that report was where I completely lost my shit and cried for an hour. 600 collars??? Can you even look at your own precious dog and imagine somebody just looking them in the eye and then blowing their heads off??

He's tried to argue the dogs were unadoptable. They were violent. Sick. He said he shot them in the back of the head while they ate canned food. But plenty were found with several bullets in their body.

Even more disgusting there are like 100 or so videos he sent rescues or people who'd surrendered dogs to him of him parading dogs that he claimed he was walking to their "forever homes." He was implying they were being adopted, but in reality their final home was a grave on his property and he was leading the dogs to the barn to shoot them dead. Somebody put together a video collection of tons of these videos and they're all mostly the same, some word for word. I couldnt bear to watch it myself, looking at all those precious little babies who had no idea they were about to die for money.

I also heard recently he also had friends pose with dogs and lie that they were being adopted to those people, but in reality he would just be killing them.

I thought of all the people who loved their dogs very much but couldn't keep them for one reason or another. The people who didn't want to risk taking them to the pound, where they could be killed. So they turned them over to Miranda, thinking it was the very best option. That he would work tirelessly to find them new homes or let them live out their lives there. BUT NAHHHHHHH he shot their babies in the head.

They found older graves but didn't dig them up. They are betting on the 700 recent ones for the charges. But our society is ugly as fuck and there really isn't many charges for mass killing of these dogs. The only way they can really go after him is because of fraud type shit.

I swear it's the worst story. Im ashamed and embarrassed it happened here. Outraged. The whole community is outraged. But it kinda took awhile for people to really accept what was the truth of the matter because he was a pretty well known person and connected to lots of top local people. Many people really refused to believe it until the hundreds of dogs were dug up.

He really is still trying to defend himself and everyone just hates his guts. I hope he gets his to a serious level. Id really like him to receive a worst fate than what he did to the dogs.

-- Wednesday, 3:41pm

Damn, July is almost over. I love august too but things start picking uo with school and sports and all that. Of course I don't work at a school anymore and my kids are adults, but still. The sentiment remains.

Anyways it's been forever since ive written because ive been non stop editing. I was trying to think how I could summarize everything.

PICTURES: ok so I last updated that I had discovered something is definitely off with my camera. A huge chunk of the pics I took of the party were in auto mode and they were bad. Like the worst settings ever were chosen. But I also noticed that the pics are distorted. Like if you see something that is supposed to be a straight line it will go up in some parts. The family pics were the most ruined. Really the editing made them look pretty damn good to the point I almost didn't mention that shit was off. But the family pics really fuck that up to try and play like it looks okay.

So I was honest, but said I thought the majority looked pretty good. I could refund some of the money. I finished 135 edited pics. When I first sent them to the lady she was happy with them. She even said that I made her look so good even though she didn't wear makeup. This was because when the editing fixes the "noise" it makes everything look super smooth. I should have known not to be too comfortable with her happiness because just like with the senior pics she hears from everyone else and all of a sudden she doesn't know where all the pics I took were, what was the "purpose" of my photos and why cant she just see ALL my pics and pick the ones out she wants.

YEAH NO... photographers don't want to do that. So many of our pics are trash and we know it. Also plenty pics are practice runs to test the settings. As I read somebody wrote online when I googled this problem that part of what they pay for is that photographers go through all the hundreds of pics and pick the best ones.

Probably would have been more willing to do so if the pics weren't so messed up. But I asked which ones she thought were missing? I agreed to edit more of the family pics so they can better understand why I picked the ones I did. I didn't edit the terrible ones even for the second round because holy shit thats so much work.

Then they complained that one of the people looked like they "pissed their pants" and they were all upset. I asked for the pics and realize in some of them she does have a shadow where her crotch was due to the way she positioned her leg and me using the flash. I assured them that was easily corrected. Then she throws out another one asking if there aren't any other better ones like it.

URG. And she was exploding my phone when I was on the ONLY SUMMER VACATION I was getting the whole entire summer. A whole day and a half ONLY. I didn't bring my computer. I was so relieved to leave thinking I had completed the job, she was happy and all I have to do now is add the pics to a usb. But dude.

I tried to write back and be as professional as I could. But also wanting to say im actually not a professional and Ive always been honest about that. I feel incredibly bad the pics are not my best work. Ive been beating myself up so much. Im hoping I can manage to fix my camera myself by resetting it or something and that I don't have to send it off to be fixed. I have no money right now for that. I havent had much time to even fuck with the camera since I have been editing pics non stop.

Ultimately I got home and didn't edit them to the next day because I didn't feel good. I didn't finish until late that night and I was debating on how to present the photos. I decided to take the idea of the photographer that took my family's pics a few years ago has. She has a site where she posts all the pics and the family gets a PIN code to access it. When they access the albums it shows all the pics and gives people the opportunity to download whichever ones they want in full resolution, to wherever they want. Their phone, computer... whatever. I was stoked to find a site that didn't even charge me for it.

The next day I send that to her and of course when she responds she says she doest know how to download the pics and where could she download them? I did my best to screen shot the process and explain it to her. I think everything worked out because I havent gotten anymore text about it. I have the usb ready for her but I cant even bring myself to text her.

I saw her at the store today and her back was to me and I quickly moved to checkout far from where she could see. I have also completely avoided going out in the backyard where I share the yard with her daughter. UGHH I need to just suck that shit up and do it.

SCHOOL: I registered for the local community college and it was stupidly difficult to navigate getting into my old email. It took over a week because I refused to call for help or ask my own daughter who's worked helping people with these very same problems for over two years. I complained to her and my sister about how terrible the website is and they agreed and hear about it 24/7. But the tech dudes in charge don't listen to the complaints and nobody fires them.

I called for help monday but the girl on the phone had an attitude and I just hung up saying id figure shit out myself. I decided to try one more time and I did it FINALLY. When I got in I realized the ONE class I wanted was full and I had to get on the waitlist. Fuck. Of course. And it's all my fault for taking so long. I guess I need to go show up and hope they let me in. My daughter said I could even try writing an email to the teacher and advocating for myself. But I doubt I will do that. I also decided to avoid the waiting list for the internet class because the whole point is I want in person instruction to really understand shit.

I hope to get into the class and improve my ability which will lower the anxiety level when I do shoots that is overwhelming these days. I now have the ability to edit efficiently. But the best way to avoid too much editing is to take the pic right in the first place... says my first and only photography teacher.

The other downer I learned is that there is no longer federal aid for 'ART' as a major... and photography is art. So I will have to pay for everything myself is my understanding. I was hoping id get the fee waiver for the class like I used to get but im not sure. Im also not sure that I can afford the class. Don't know how much it even is. I do know it has like a 100 class fee.

It wasn't 100% clear but I think the reason I cant get the help federally are the changes trump made that they aren't paying for majors that don't pull more money than the average high school graduate. It's a really bad policy that is going to cost our society as many of these subjects will be only for the privileged who can pay full price for their education. This is bull shit.

In my case photography class will be the shortest way to me making more income. It is what it is. I am also semi freaking out with the thought of leaving my dog for 4 hour stint twice a week in addition to finding a job and going to the gym. I know I need to get over that.

THYROID LEVELS: I mentioned in my last entries that I was worried my levels had plummeted and I was right. They didn't fall to almost none existent but they are still pretty low. I knew they were low because I have a lot of energy, I dont really get tired, loss of appetite, losing weight, sweating profusely, LOSING MY HAIR (where I had to draw the line... rather have my hair and be fat than the other way around), my heart rate was increasing a lot when I exercised. Oh and also I see I am feeling angrier and less patience.

I was happy my doctor decided to keep me on the same dose and cut sunday's dose in half. I like this much better than last time where she just decreased the dose 12 milligrams and bam... weight back on and more tired/sloth like. Hopefully this time it will be slower and we can figure out where I can get to stop losing my hair.

I also asked if she thought id gain the weight I lost back again and she said "only if you eat enough calories to do so." Which sent me into a mental breakdown. No doctor wants to say that it's harder to lose weight now- they want to act like your body should be just the same as anyone else with a thyroid because your levels are good. That anything you struggle with is your fault personally. I didn't start eating like crazy the last time I gained all 10 some pounds I lost came back in like 2 weeks. It just happened.

I will never mention weight to her again and I need to go back to just assuming that weight loss is for somebody else and any actual loss will be reversed in time.

FUN: two weekends ago me and my family all went out to the river. My mom, my kids and their loves, my sister and her family. My nieces' first time in the river and she loved it. She spends plenty time in pools and water parks but never the river. It was a beautiful day except I had a very strong spasm with my left leg that was one of the ones that was very hard to get out of. I was upset because I was not done in the water but too scared to really go back in.

This last Friday I got up hella early with my daughter and we went with my mom, sister and niece to a town to the east of us about 3 hours. They are a bigger town than ours and they are super inland and get really hot. It's not unusual in the summer for it to be over 100 for days and days on end. At the same time my town hasn't even broke 70 at all during the entire year at this point. People from there always venture to the coast to escape the heat and the coastal people always go inland to get their chunk of warmth and vitamin d.

And it was marvelous and 94 degrees. The water park was fun and I didn't even have any spasms. I think it was because I paid my massage lady 140 to massage me the Wednesday before. I just couldn't handle how much pain I was in. Whoa it was great. So great.

And the park was great outside my phone receiving 100 text complaints about my pics. I did finally just leave it be and have fun. I really needed new swim bottoms as they are way too big and they kept almost falling off lol. I spent a lot of time in the wave pool, the lazy river and then over in the kid section where my niece was. I havent gotten on a water slide for years... mostly because it seems Id always get stuck instead of sliding down for some reason. This time I was gonna go if everyone went, but they didn't end up doing it. I was seriously worried about my bottoms falling off though.

Near time to go I started to feel like I could use the bathroom... I swear I can feel it traveling down and it's very uncomfortable at times.

Everyone was exhausted when we got to the hotel, including myself. We went to Olive Garden and I finally found something I like there. When we got back to the room everyone was ready to sleep, but I wasn't. Took a quick shower and my sister was trying to get my niece to sleep so I went out and sat by the pool. It was super hot out there at first, but still tolerable. After about an hour it cooled to 85ish and it was great. I always wished it would be warm in my hometown at night but it won't be. Don't matter how warm the day got, at night it's cold. Only exception is when we're getting a tropical storm.

I ended up out there for a pretty long time. Once it got to 9 I planned to call my dad to check on the dog and walk around some in hopes to get my digestion rolling. But then my daughter text to ask where I was and decided to come down too. We stayed out there until about ten.

I hoped my digestion would move but it didn't. Fuck. I slept hard thought, like 9.5 hours. It was the edibles I think lol.

Next day we went and walked on this famous bridge in the area and then headed to their mall. Their mall looks like a normal functioning mall, unlike ours that looks like it's almost fully abandoned. Nope, just one store at a time until they're all gone.

My stomach was now pretty much hurting. After the mall we ate and I tried one last time to go to the bathroom and I almost thought something was gonna happen until I start to panic when I hear someone trying to push the code into the bathroom door over and over again. I yell that im in there but like the person kept trying. I even got up and yelled at the door it was occupied. And the moment was gone on going myself. I heard some yelling or something going on out there and I was like?? Later I found out the yelling as the dude trying to get into my bathroom and yelling fucked up shit to me for yelling at him. He's lucky he was gone by the time I got out there. Low thyroid means im so pissed all the time and easily.

I struggled with the feeling of having a semi urgent need to go with pain and cramps to feeling absolutely normal. I kept thinking I was finally ok but then it would come back. Finally when we got to the last town between there and the coast and I was like oh we need to stop. And yeah we did. I went for awhile and I was like ok... whoa... finally. But then I stood up and started to feel the feeling again. This happened two more times and luckily we stayed put because OMG.

I felt relief for a solid 15 minutes and then the off and on feeling started to creep back in. Not as strong as before. But as we pulled into my town I said oh we need to stop. Thankfully target was right there. Unfortunately what I had to do was not at all quiet and that was sooooooo embarrassing.

Again I thought and hoped I was done but no, it kept happening. I ended up stuck at my parents for about half an hour before taking myc car and going home. When all I wanted to do was go home!! When I finally got home I had two more episodes and then FINALLY everything calmed back down.

That was the night I was NOT editing pics like I said I would be. Fuck that.

Luckily everything digestion is back to normal... which is still slow but still actually moving.

I had my second pelvic floor physical therapy appointment and she did this stomach massage thats supposed to help get things moving. Within an hour and a half it did happen. Im supposed to do it to myself everyday and I fully intend on it. I also have been convinced to get something for my legs to sit on since we should be squatting to go anyways!

Last subject I can think of touching on is Seth. No we havent talked or really had any contact at all, but its started to hurt me. Ive started to yearn for him even though I know how stupid and pathetic it is. How id just be begging for more hurt.

On the 25th it was his mom's bday. The first one since she died. It was also the day when we were coming home from our trip. I noticed he didn't leave the house the whole day that day. I thought about just texting him something literally ALL DAY LONG. I kept telling myself NAH he's got a new bitch to care. He has friends he prioritized to check on him. When I got close enough to open the message I reread his last sentence of "yeah stay away" and that sealed the deal. He told me to stay away and I will never intrude again.

But ive hoped for some contact. Weve been outside at the same time a few times and he ignores my existence. One day I was driving into town after the massage and could see what I thought was his car up ahead. As I got closer I tried to read the last two of the plate to verify and finally I did. Oh geez. I wanted to speed up to see his face but then thought oh what if some bitch was in there? It almost seems like he moved quicker once I got behind. Like he definitely saw me and maybe didn't want me to see him..

But I had to go to the dispensary so I turned off. Seems he went home after so I don't think he had time to drop anyone off.

Oh I forgot that he left Monday super early and didn't come back until Tuesday later. I expected him to stay away longer, I think maybe he finally went to spread his mom's ashes. It seemed appropriate it would be this week.

I had a dream last night that ive had a million times but havent had it in well over a year and some. It was me looking out my window watching Seth with another women. This time it was an older woman with 3 kids. I was super upset. I said some shit to try and warn her and be rude but they seemed happy. Oh it hurt. Of course it's very likely he has someone else now. I think he's 100 percent over anything that has to do with me.

Sure wish I could be the same.

There is this one Roku commercial for who knows what and there is a clip from a show or movie where the girl says "what did you just flip the switch and erase me from your mind??" Thats how I feel. Thats how I feel so often when breakups happen with people I really, truly love. They hit me where it hurts the most, whatever way to show me I never mattered and they're so much better without me. Im super forgettable and very replaceable.

Oh yeah and Luis has been not around. A few times he said he was gonna come and I took a shower to get ready and then ultimately he didn't come. Now two more of his siblings live on his block it seems he gets caught up more. Well fuck. He didn't message at all for a week and a half and when he finally did I completely ignored the text. It's the wrong time of the month yet again anyways. He text the next day and I. gave one word answers.

I cant even say why im annoyed or mad with him. I do get pissed with taking time away from other things to take a shower and clean up for this arrival and then he doesn't come. And I understand it happens but it happens more than I like.

Hopefully he calls again in a few days lol.

Well I wrote a novel yet again.

I am finally working on editing the pics from the abandoned logging camp. Yay. I still got to see if they're at all distorted. I started with the celll phone pics first.

Ugh I got to leave the dog and go to the gym. I left him already to go see grandma and do errands.

Tuesday, 10:49pm

I’ve spent a week and probably 25 hours editing my friends pics. When I finally figured out how to export them I realized I did 48. Once I moved them to my phone and tried to fix things that were off I realized how I ultimately shouldn’t have edited more than maybe 5 of them- they are all out of focus besides maybe 3-4. Maybe. They are just so bad I literally have decided not to take any jobs again until I take a photography class. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed.

I’m still not entirely sure what the fuck even happened. I wrote the day I took them that I was ashamed that I reverted to using automatic to take mostly all of them so I’m even more ??? I want to say I must have thought I was in automatic and I wasn’t… But even that doesn’t totally make sense because some of them are different, but equally bad settings. I thought I’d maybe toggled the setting that focuses only on certain parts of the pic by accident but when I went to check my camera it wasn’t the case.

They’re all out of focus and a lot of the poses were not good. But had they been in focus, plenty would have sufficed.

On the computer they looked better than the phone… holy shit.

So I sent her a text saying that they are the worst I’ve ever taken and I’m so embarrassed I can’t even send them all even if I edited them. I will decide on which I can stomach to send tomorrow. Oh and that I did, in fact ruin her engagement ones too. I said I will offer to do them again if she’d like and either way I’d return her money ( couldn’t have been a worse time for that… and no I didn’t say that) because I can’t take money for that shit. I also said that I would absolutely understand if she reconsidered my offer to do her wedding pics even for free.

Like shit anyone could have done better with their plain ass cell phone.

I was so scared and nervous when I went to take the pics Saturday. There was not a single pic I didn’t take at least one in automatic just in case. Most I did auto anyways cause I’m scared of fucking up.

I didn’t look at them all yet and it’s been three days… but Monday I looked through several of them and they all looked in focus so I relaxed some.

It is also an obvious and serious problem that I can’t fucking see right. 90% of the time my contacts aren’t in the right place so at least one eye is blurry if not both. And with the contacts in I can’t see for shit close up… so no wonder I couldn’t tell the pics weren’t in focus when I looked at the little screen. This is a really terrible realization at 45 that I’m not sure I can continue to do things like this if I can’t fucking see. And I never went back to try and fix the contact situation and now I have no job or money to do so.

In editing pics I’ve stayed mostly at home but also that’s my new plan of operation. I won’t be able to afford to go anywhere or even pay all my bills. I have tried to not buy any food or anything, best way to do that is to stay at home. I won’t be able to pay my gas card bill either next month so I need to stop using my card. Downer with not using the card is that gas is considerably more expensive without it.

I’ve felt like a mess and I feel like one now. Out of control. Inadequate.

I fucking hate this shit.

I started to look for jobs and it makes me want to cry to. What do I qualify for? Shit I don’t want to do- caring for others. There were jobs that sounded interesting but they all want a lot of experience in things I have no experience in. Like a lot! I read one office job that wanted 5 years experience and/or college.

And they all ask for fast. Detail orientated. Go getters. AND I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS. None of them. And I’m not sure if I can even lie or fake that shit.

I’m tempted to just give up and I would but I’m very worried about affording the dogs care. That’s really the driving force.

I ran out of concentrate several days ago and only have a small amount of edible I’m not even sure would get me high. I’m trying not to spend any money because all the money I have now is all the money I’ll have until August. And all the money I have is less than 350.

I fucking hate this shit.

And they tried to move grandma to a care home out of the area AGAIN. Whatever excuse they gave for the reason sure ended up going there last time was completely different this time yet still they tried. They say all the care homes up here were purchased by people who only serve private insurance or private pay. Which is absolutely insane considering how poor and remote we are. Like everyone is poor… who are they even filling the places with??

But my mom threw an absolute fit and refused. She flat refused and went hard on the lady and finally they said ok… they’ll send her to a town 25 minutes south of here (same town grandma j is now in) and so we were like ok… that works. But then something worked out even better and she is in our town at the place she’s been more than a couple times.

The place is rated absolutely terrible. But then again everywhere but the rich people places are. But between the whole family we can go on the regular and see her and make sure they are taking care of her.

But I haven’t went even once and she came on Saturday. I have been really just working hard on shit ass photos in Hope to save face but there’s no saving shit.

I will go tomorrow. I hope this doesn’t end up again with me having a hard time making myself go like it always does.

I know my mom feels bad grandma is in there and I do somewhat… but also not because we were already getting to the point where this was too hard. Her balance was so off, a fall really was inevitable and I felt it. She also never thinks she’s home even when she is so? She’s so out of touch I don’t know if it will be traumatic.

We had to say that if she walks we will take her home… and that’s how she got in there. Medicare will pay for 30-60 days of rehab therapy, after that it’s a wrap. If you have Medicaid and nobody picks you up (which is the plan) then they can’t kick them out and Medicaid will take over. But if you own anything at all they’re coming for it. Grandma owns nothing. Shit she has a burial plot and a small life insurance policy she paid for years so her funeral and such will be paid for and they reduced the money in her check for it!! You can’t have shit when you get older if you’re not of means.

Or if you’re disabled like me. I’m not even legally allowed to have more than 2k to my name at any given point. Not that I ever would.

I read how many states have programs that if your elderly parents go into care homes on Medicaid’s dime then the Feds can come and collect from the children at a later date. I read how this one dude was on the hook for 83k from his mom’s care and he has never signed anything at all agreeing. They can go after kids… I believe there’s an exception if your parents abandoned you for 10 plus years when you were a kid.

Can you imagine your druggie ass parents who never took care of you ever and then someday you get a 80k bill for their care?? Like they can seize your relative’s life savings and possessions and if that’s not enough, they can and will come for yours.

I’m overwhelmed thinking of all the editing I have to do with the other pics. But I’m not doing hard core edits on the vast majority of them.

The party was decently fun by the way but I think I thought it would have been more intense than it was. They didn’t even tell me until Friday evening that they did in fact want me. They told me to be there at 530-7… or was it 730? I wasn’t sure but figured 730.

But… the birthday girl wasn’t even there until 45 to an hour after I got there. This is typical for me as most parties run behind so I wasn’t really trippin but most people hire me for their whole party, not just an hour or two.

When it got close to 730 things went over but I’d taken quite a lot of pics. So I got my plate and went to eat and was gonna try and head out. But I was informed there was cake and several other things they wanted pics of. Ok… this is why I try to ask what events are planned?? But when they confirmed on Friday I’d just arrived from the river and didn’t really ask too many questions.

I didn’t leave until 830.. so 3 hours. I’d told her daughter on Friday to just pay me at a date after the party but we haven’t talked about it. Not looking forward to being like well you said 530-730 but I stayed another hour so that will be more. I was happy to hear the birthday girl say she wasn’t in a rush for the pics. But I don’t want to take long.

The river with Danila Friday was very nice and warm. The only fucked up part was my floaty got a huge hole so I didn’t get to float most the time, but I swam quite a bit in the shallow. I was super disappointed to see algae had taken hold and I don’t think that river will be any good for the rest of the summer. Super bummer. Everything was fine on the 4th.

Now that only leaves the swift and larger rivers and with my spasms I’m nervous.

I didn’t go to the gym Friday since I went to the river. Could have gone Saturday but decided to concentrate on pics. I went Monday though and will go tomorrow. Now that I don’t have a job I want to start going in the day more often to avoid all the people I couldn’t avoid before.

OOOOOO something good finally happened- it seems im losing weight finally!! Well i got on the scale and it said 192 😮😮. I haven’t been able to get down past 196 since they switched my meds almost a year ago.

I think it’s because I’m not really hungry lately… which worries me wondering if my thyroid numbers haven’t gotten too low. It can happen when I lose weight but I also think it can sometimes happen. It’s been a huge concern that I lose weight, they lower my meds and bam, fatty mcfat yet again. I told myself if that happens again I fucking quit trying to lose weight anymore. Why bother when it’ll be reversed??

Not sure if the lack of hunger is because thyroid level is lower or if lack of eating from loss of appetite leads to lower numbers that basically put me in a loop.

Another major reason I am suspicious of thyroid numbers is that I’ve come to acknowledge I’m losing hair again. I had kinda been suspicious but tried to make excuses but no- there’s no excuse, it’s falling out at an alarming rate yet again. Is it thyroid? Is in perimenopause? Is it dying my hair too much? Is it the sweatbands I wear at the gym??? Idk but I really, REALLY hoped I was done with this.

Now I can’t afford the treatment. I’ve been filled with dread at the thoughts of going back to the days when dread was a permanent feeling since anything running out is at the risk of permanently not being able to be replaced.

Like fuck.

My hands and arms hurt so bad I can barely type.

I cried yesterday when Seth was outside for like ten minutes cleaning his car when I was out there and he didn’t acknowledge my existence.

Of course it’s a constant back and forth wanting him back in my life but also knowing things are so fucked and never gonna get better. He’s never magically gonna appreciate me and even less ever love me.

Luis keep talking like he’s coming over but it’s been at least a week. I woke up with a text where he asked what time I was home for him to come over. He didn’t even respond when I said probably all day.

Fuck ima go smoke what I scraped and collected from the dabs and hopefully manage to sleep some. I’ve been sleeping like 2-4 hours a night for days and days on end.

Have been waking up at 945-10 though. I wonder if Seth notices me not going anywhere. Probably not. He was washing his car yesterday… not sure if he vacuumed it or not. If he did that means he’s leaving town. It’s getting close to his mom’s bday so he might be planning to go somewhere. Maybe to spread her ashes.