#trans!bow

Bow was stopped, bent over with his hands on his knee and gasping for breath. He raised a finger up, “Just... give me a... moment.”

Glimmer giggled, “You good?”

Bow swung upright, “I can’t breathe but I’m great. How are you? Hopelessly in love?”

“I can not handle your bullshit right now,” Glimmer began walking but couldn’t help but smile slightly, “Blocked. Cancelled. Deleted.”

“Why? Because I’m right?” Bow had caught up with her again, grinning.

“It’s a crush Bow, nothing more. It’s definitely not love.”

Bow nodded as they continued walking, “Uh-huh. Is that why you’re blushing so hard?”

“I’m blushing because you are bothering me,” Glimmer grumbled out her words, and turned her head to raise an eyebrow at him. 

Bow raised an eyebrow back, “Wanna talk about it?”

Glimmer stopped walking and flopped backwards so she could lean dramatically against the hall’s cinderblock wall. She let her head roll backwards and stared up at the ceiling. The hall had cleared out, the distant sound of dance practice echoing between her and Bow. She still held a smile but it was quickly growing stale. It wasn’t that she was sad, or that she didn’t enjoy Bow’s company; there was just a lot to consider in that question.

Did she want to talk about it? Well, yes. There was so much she had to say and so much she wanted Bow to at least give his opinion or, at best, offer advice. But of all the things she wanted to say, there was so much she was scared to admit to. She doubted she would even mange to get half of it out. She would choke up and her words would lie, caught and festering somewhere in her throat. And there all those emotions would stay, blocked between her heart and her mouth. They would simmer there for a drawn out second before they boiled over and streamed down her cheeks. Bow would put his hands on her shoulders ask her what was wrong in his too-soft-for-his-own-good voice and Glimmer wouldn’t be able to tell him because the words burned as they bubbled and corroded her vocal chords.

But the feelings, they were hard to explain. She squinted up at the fluorescent panels which only marginally improved the lighting but greatly added to the prison-like atmosphere. The flickering bulbs were a thousand miles away as she tried to wrap her mind around the images flickering behind her eyes. Adora’s smile. The way her eyes shone when she sang. How her voice could wrap around Glimmer’s brain and find all the ways to make her glitch. How her body fit perfectly against Glimmer’s. The raw intensity with which Adora felt emotions and how she let them wash over whoever was nearby.

Bow’s feet made a scuffing sound as he shifted somewhat awkwardly across from Glimmer. The movement brought her back to the present and and made her wonder how long he had been standing there.

“I’m going to take that to mean that, yes, you do have something to say?” He prompted.

Glimmer let her head swing forward and blew a sigh through her nose.

It’s like molten gold filling my chest. And it’s bright and it’s burning and god yes it hurts but it’s beautiful too. It’s smooth and it runs down my throat, stealing my voice. It coats my eyes and tints the world around me but that’s ok because it turns everything beautiful. And at the same time, it’s far too much and it scares me and it hurts because all that shining gold is more than I could ever deserve or ever handle.

She couldn’t explain that. She would sound crazy. Bow probably wouldn’t see it as crazy, but he would take it too far. Glimmer was already freaking out about it, she couldn’t stand Bow freaking out on top of that.

“Glimmer?” Bow reached out, placing the expected gentle hand on her shoulder, “Is everything ok? Are you ok?”

Glimmer gave a breathy laugh. She hadn’t even realized how blurry her eyes had become, “Yeah. Sorry.”

His eyebrows were wrinkled in concern and Glimmer could tell he was worried that he had somehow caused her distress, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

She took a deep breath and made up her mind, “I have a lot to tell you actually. So let’s go to some place more comfortable than the middle of the hallway.”

Bow smiled, “Library?”

“Library.”

Bow and Glimmer had a well-established tradition of spending the time after school together, sharing stories and ranting about life in the library under the pretense that they were study partners. Everyone knew they weren’t actually doing work but left them alone because they stayed to their back-corner sofa and only rarely did the conversations dissolve into yelling.

They walked comfortably next to each other, unbothered when their shoulders bumped and chatting about the ridiculous amount of homework they would undoubtedly procrastinate doing that night.

People often mistook them as a couple; something which both Bow and Glimmer would laugh at. They had the running joke that if neither of them had found someone by the time they were 35, they would just marry each other. They were close as friends could be. He was the first one she had come out as bi to and she has the first he had come as trans to. Glimmer generally didn’t mind people thinking she was dating Bow, but sometimes she worried it would discourage other people from having interest in her. Then she would brush it off as ridiculous because she was pretty sure there was plenty of other things to discourage them.

They reached the library within a few minutes, both flopping dramatically onto their usual couch. They were in an emptier section of the library, most people at tables or occupied in the computer lab.

Glimmer swung her legs over the arm of the couch and leaned into Bow’s side. She let a defeated puff stream out of her mouth, once again unsure of what she could possible say.

Bow let them sit in silence for a few moments before prompting her again, “So... what was it that you wanted to tell me?”

She groaned, “Adora. Pretty. Girls. Yes. Crush.”

Bow laughed and patted her shoulder, “That all?”

Glimmer brought her hands up to hide her face in and shook her head, “Bow, I don’t even know where to start.”

She could feel him shrug against the weight of her body, “How about you just start from last night. I’m pretty sure you liked her before, if I’m being perfectly honest, but it sounds like it only got serious last night?”

The last sentence was stated as a question instead of a statement and Glimmer knew Bow was trying to bait her into giving more information. She gave in, returning the shrug, “Yeah I guess. I have no idea how long I’ve liked her but I think it’s been almost the whole year.”

“Why do you think it took you so long to realize?”

Glimmer had to take a deep breath for that one, “Because I hated her. Because I was jealous of her. And because I was scared of liking her.”

“Ok,” Glimmer could hear the hesitation in his voice, “And why was that?”

“I just- you know how- I couldn’t,” she paused before trying again, “There were- are- a lot of reasons. I just feel like I shouldn’t. I still think liking girls is something bad or at least dangerous.”

Bow started to say something but Glimmer continued before he could get a word in, “So there was that guilt and I guess disgust. It’s that internalized homophobia bullshit. I think that’s what they call it? Anyways, I know Adora won’t go for me and I’ll just get hurt and I know I’m stupid for getting so infatuated.”

This time Bow was able to interrupt, “I wouldn’t be so sure of that if I were you.”

Glimmer snorted, “Oh, and why is that? Has she privately confessed her love for me to you?”

“Well no-“

“Look, Bow, she’s popular and she’s beautiful and she could probably get any girl she wanted. She’s definitely not going to settle for me.”

“Hey hey first of all,” he elbowed her in the back, “nobody has to ‘settle’ for you. We’ve talked about this. What have I told you?”

Glimmer rolled her eyes, “I’m not going to say it.”

He elbowed her again, “Say it, coward.”

She blew a raspberry before droning out the ridiculous mantra Bow had told her in a monotone voice, “I am gorgeous and perfect in every way. I am a queen; y’all are peasants and do not deserve to witness my glory.”

Bow nodded, “You may continue.”

“You’re so stupid. Anyways, with your permission to continue, even if Adora does have the slightest interest in me- which she doesn’t and will continue not to- Cat would get jealous. I’m pretty sure she already is with this stupid project. She won’t let Adora anywhere near me as soon as the project finishes.”

“How do you know that? Adora’s her own person. She can hang out with you if she wants to- no matter what Cat thinks. And by the way, I think she will want to hang out with you.”

Glimmer felt her throat going tight, “She told me she wanted to be friends but I don’t think she meant it.”

“Glimmer, that’s great!! What makes you think she wouldn’t mean it?”

“I don’t know,” Glimmer hesitated once more, “She was acting really weird last night.”

Bow rolled his hand in a Go on motion.

Glimmer’s stomach clenched as her mind flashed back to the night before. She sat up, hunching over her knees as she were worried the sensation would show through. It all seemed very far away, surely longer than the 24 hours reality told her it was. It all seemed very fake. Adora couldn’t possibly have looked at her with that much affection in her eyes. She couldn’t have asked her to dance and laughed so loud Glimmer was sure someone would hear. She certainly didn’t stand a breath away from Glimmer and give her a smirk that made her insides freeze. It was simply impossible.

“Glimmer?” Bow leaned sideways to bump his shoulder into hers, “What do you mean weird?”

“Just very affectionate I guess,” She looked up at Bow, knowing what was coming and not sure if she would be able to answer.

“How is that a bad thing?” There it was.

“Because,” Glimmer seemed to choke for a moment and she could swear it was because her heart was in her throat, “I know that it probably wasn’t real; it was probably just Adora being tired and getting clingy or something. And because I know it won’t ever happen again. And knowing that hurts.”

Bow reached and took one of her hands in his. They were warmer and sturdier than hers- small and trembling. It was such a normal, familiar action but all she could think about was Adora’s hands in hers’ as they sat side by side and she attempted to teach her how to use chopsticks. It had to be some surreal dream. That would be easier. That would make sense. She felt vulnerable and exposed. No doubt the entire library was acting as witness to her breakdown. She hunkered into herself further, almost entirely folded in half now. She just wanted it all to pause. Things would be so much easier if they marched in one at a time. Instead life liked to throw a thousand problems at her at once. And sometimes those problems looked like soccer players who smiled a little too brightly because they were trying to hide just how much more like the ocean they were than the sun. Adora wasn’t stupid; she was deep and dark and sometimes the shades twisted from blues to jagged purples which undoubtably scraped against her sides. Glimmer wanted to learn every shade of that girl- yes the happy yellows but also the stormy grays. She wanted to dull the shards that hurt Adora and do her best heal the wounds she couldn’t prevent. But she would never get the chance. It was all fantasy. The melancholy was corrosive.

Bow squeezed her hand in his grip, cueing her to look up. When he spoke it was with a slow, steady voice. Glimmer knew that voice; that was the voice he used when Glimmer was about to shatter into a million pieces.

She breathed in deeply through her nose and tried to concentrate on his words, “I know this may seem very unrealistic to you but I really don’t think Adora’s affection was fake or just some side effect. I don’t think you just give up on it happening again.”

Glimmer’s face collapsed into a combination of disdain, incredulity, and despair, “If I keep holding onto hope, I’m going to keep getting hurt every time I’m inevitably disappointed.”

“How do you know you’re going to get disappointed though?!” Bow waved his arms out in a way that would have been comical if Glimmer wasn’t on the verge of tears. He was starting to get exasperated, his voice rising dangerously shrill and loud.

Glimmer hissed out a shush and clapped his arms back down to his body.

She rolled her eyes, “Look, I’ll live in your make-believe world for a second, ok? Let’s say that Adora does like me- platonically, romantically, whatever it doesn’t matter. Even if she does, Cat is not going to stand being around me. She hates me. So Adora will have to choose between me and Cat. That will have two possible results: Most likely, she will choose her best friend and leave me behind. That result can be summed up as: Ouch. Either that or she’ll choose me. From then on, Cat will hate me more than she already does- and I do not want to find out what that would mean- and Adora will always resent me because I’m the reason she and her best friend fell apart.“

Bow nodded sagely for a moment, “You’ve really thought this through.”

She could tell he wasn’t as concerned with her hypothetical situations as she was. This time it was her voice that reached a dangerously high volume, “Yes of course I’ve thought this through! Have you met me?! I think everything through!”

“Ok true, but I still don’t think-“

“Actually I’m not finished yet! Because even if by some miracle, Cat and I are able to ‘coexist,’ then I’m always going to be an accessory to Cat and Adora’s relationship. I will always be an add-on; something that is merely tolerated. And I will not be able to stand that. I would rather never talk to Adora again than have to deal with that.”

“Glimmer I get it and you’re making some good points, it’s just,” he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, piecing together his words, “of all those situations you’ve thought up, you’ve never once considered the possibility that things will turn out ok.”  

Glimmer leaned sideways into Bow, just trying to affirm that she had heard him. She hated making Bow this exasperated. She knew he was just trying to help her. Hell, maybe he was even right. Still, Glimmer was thinking realistically. She was thinking cautiously. She was... she has no idea what she was doing.

“You know, Glimmer,” Bow returned the lean in her direction, “sometimes the world doesn’t suck.”

She rolled her eyes, “Mm, really? And you’d be what? An expert of the world’s constant condition?”

Bow sat up straight and puffed out his chest, “Yes in fact.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Glimmer’s voice still wavered as she spoke, but she could feel a grin start to grow across her lips.

“And you know what? I might be ridiculous, but I like to think that I’ll be right one of these times.”

Glimmer loved Bow’s optimism but it often came across to her as purely naive. She wished he could be right about this, if only to give him the satisfaction. But it was unrealistic and the sooner she accepted that fact, the easier it would be to take reality’s crushing blow. And the sooner Bow stopped encouraging her wishful thinking, the easier it would be to accept.

But he was giving her a grin that held nothing but purity and confidence, and she couldn’t break that. She tried to return the smile, “Sure. We’ll see.”

His smile grew until he was beaming, “Yep! We will!”

Satisfied that he had beaten Glimmer into optimistic submission, Bow slapped the sofa seat next to him, “Come on, I gotta go.”  

They moved towards the exit together, chatting casually as they weaved through tables of clustered students. The library was filled with the quiet bubbling of 50 voices, each trying not to make noise but none the less adding to the atmosphere of sound. It was relaxing to some extent and apparently Bow found it safe enough to continue their conversation.

“So... what would you do if Adora liked you back? I mean, like, would you go on dates or-”

Glimmer nearly tackled him to the ground but instead froze, hissing, “Shut up! Elizabeth is right there! She hangs out with Adora sometimes! What if she heard you yelling?!”

Bow’s eyes lit up at the mention of Elizabeth, “Really? Where is she?”

“Don’t look so happy about it; she right at the table behind you!”

Bow spun around and waved, “Hey Elizabeth!”

The girl jolted up from where she had been hunched over the table, “Oh, hey Bow!”

Teachers often got Glimmer and Elizabeth mixed up; Glimmer never understood why. She wore huge, round glasses and had a fascination with math that Glimmer could never possibly possess. It was true that they both had dyed hair, but her’s was far darker and nearly hit the floor. (How Elizabeth didn’t trip over it every time she stood up was a mystery Glimmer would never solve).

It wasn’t that Glimmer minded Elizabeth but-

“This is not the time!” Glimmer grabbed Bow’s hand and began dragging him towards the doors.

Before they could actually get out outside, Elizabeth popped up in front of them, grinning broadly and practically shouting when she spoke, “What were you saying about Adora?”

Elizabeth had a habit of appearing randomly in your face, without any warning and giving Glimmer a heart attack every time. That being said, Glimmer was having a heart attack. Even if Elizabeth hadn’t startled her by materializing out of the blue and effectively blocking her escape route, yelling about Adora in the middle of the library definitely would’ve been enough to push Glimmer off the edge.

Glimmer’s eyes widened and it felt like the wind had been punched out of her-  a solid blow straight to core. She struggled to find anything to say, simply trying to remember how to breathe. Finally she shook her head and grabbed Bow and Elizabeth’s hand, “Out. Both of you.”

“Oh, wait- wow. Your hands are really strong.”

Glimmer ignored Elizabeth’s chatter as she barreled outside. When they turned the corner Glimmer let go of their hands and turned so she could glare at both of them. They stood with their backs to the building wall, shoulder to shoulder like a police line up.

The campus continued to move around them as they stood in awkward silence. Glimmer paced back and forth, wringing her hands. She had made an impulsive decision when she grabbed Elizabeth and now she had to deal with the consequences. Bow stood with his arms crossed, staring at random things and avoiding where Glimmer was treading miles through the sidewalk. Elizabeth on the other hand seemed to be entirely unbothered, humming to herself and fidgeting with something she had pulled out of her pocket.

Glimmer shook her head; she was being stupid, “Look, Elizabeth, I’m sorry I dragged you out here. I was really overreacting and I’m sorry you had to be a part of that. Just please don’t mention anything about Adora to anyone.”

“Hmm what?” Elizabeth jerked her head up, “Oh! Adora. Yeah, her, I think she’s cool. I think we might be friends. Not sure. That would be nice though.”

Elizabeth spoke in short, choppy sentences that bounced from one topic to another and made Glimmer’s head hurt. She pinched the bridge of her nose, “Yes, we’re talking about Adora. Just please forget I said anything about her.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re talking about Adora, you told me you were talking about Adora,” Elizabeth was moving her hands in front of her face like she was playing an invisible game of connect the dots, “But you don’t want me to know you were talking about Adora?”

Bow squinted, “Yeah that sounds about right.”

“Just, whatever you heard, don’t tell anyone any of it. Please?”

Elizabeth darted forward towards Glimmer, staring hard into her face. She continued to scrutinize Glimmer as she began to speak, “You have a crush in her don’t you?”

Glimmer’s hand itched to clamp itself over Elizabeth’s mouth. She let her own lips fall open, once again struggling desperately to find words to fill the space with. She attempted to regain some veneer of composure, standing up straighter and turning her chin slightly in the air, “I will neither confirm or deny anything concerning that matter.”

“So... is that a yes?”

“No! Its nothing!” Glimmer growled.

“You’re not acting like it’s nothing,” Bow spoke with a smug grin and subtly raised eyebrows.

Glimmer glared at Bow for a second before breaking off the staring contest by rubbing the palms of her hands upwards across her face and settling across her eyes. This situation had been out of her control since Weaver had assigned her to be partners with Adora. Maybe it had been out of her hands since Adora scampered into her seat in the first day of school, laughing loudly at something Cat had said. Now nothing was in her hands except her own tired fears.

“Hey,” Elizabeth’s voice broke through the darkness Glimmer was hiding behind, “I’ve gotta go so I’m just gonna... um, yeah, bye!”

Glimmer looked up to see Elizabeth jogging back to the library. The girl paused for a moment to wave before disappearing inside. Glimmer sighed and collapsed into a lump on the concrete. She looked up at Bow, “She’s going to say something isn’t she?”

Bow scratched the back of his head. It was possible he was trying to think, but it was more likely he was just buying time; Glimmer knew he didn’t want to say exactly what she knew he was going to say. He deflated and sat down next to Glimmer, “I don’t think she’d do it on purpose. She might just... forget not to.”