Nights 6-10/10
It's been several months since this 10 day stretch of night shifts. And that's because night 8/10 was the worst night of my entire life and the month following that was the saddest month of the entire life.
Night 8/10 was my first night ever in the PICU, first shift at all in the ICU (outside of NICU). I had gone down the night before to shadow and the boy from night 5/10 was struggling to breathe. I sat with his mom as she cried in the next room while the fellow intubated him.
"Will I ever get to talk again?" He said.
We all nodded yes to him. We did our best to reassure.
I walked with his mother to get a latte from Starbucks and she told me all about him. His new gaming computer that he got for Christmas that he wanted to play. His two older siblings with their kids, and how he got along so well with them even though they were step-siblings. His mom really likes pistachio lattes.
Night 8/10, I go immediately to see him. Hopeful.
And I am already traumatized by what I see. He is edematous, covered in purpura, sedated and paralyzed, catheters at his neck and arms. All I can think is that he has to make it. I have to watch him so closely so he can make it.
His labs were drawn almost every hour. His potassium, his blood pH, his lactate levels. Everything was on the edge.
It was 4:43, the nurse noticed his heart rate was dropping. She checked his pupils. Fixed. Dilated. And we started compressions. 45 minutes.
5:36 was his time of death, and I still want to cry as I write this.
His mom wasn't there. I heard her sobbing on the phone.
He never spoke again.
And in the next several weeks, 9 other children died. Including little miracle from night 1/10. I cried for weeks. It was so hard for me to keep going when I felt the incompetence of being in the ICU for the first time, to feel so sad for all the kids and their families, and to just keep pushing. The secondary trauma was real.
To any resident's out there who are feeling it, just wanted to let you know how those days went. I went to therapy, I took a full elective month afterwards, I processed it with the fellow on call. My residency program rose up to meet me as I felt like I was free falling out of this. I hope you all have been able to find these supports where you are at, and if not, that I am happy to process with you. Phone a friend. You aren't going through this alone.
