#absence

Whether it is me on my bed at night,

Or when I'm in the middle of a howdy gathering,

Whether it is me alone in the kitchen, cooking something,

Or when I'm in my class at 8 am,

Whether it is me folding clothes

Or when I'm laughing and joking with my friends.

A conglomerate of nothing. The absence of anything. Absence of matter, light, space, time, even vacuum. Spawn of Leerehol. Friendly, even though merely existing causes burning pain across their body. Reminiscent of a robed silhouette.

I feel the emptiness of her absence

in the lack of her contours

pressing intimately in front of me

to spoon as we drift off to sleep.

Or the delicious pressure

of her head against my chest

as she rests her body

and allows the presence of mine

to alleviate the burdens of her mind

and gradually relinquishes the stress of her day

to each stroke of my fingers through her hair.

Yet it is because I'm acutely aware

of her uniquely inviting warmth

that I swear radiates from her very soul,

the very fact that I know

what I've not yet felt so well...

That is exactly how I know

it'll be reality

Sometimes its impact only becomes clear with time

We often pay attention to what is present in our lives. The words people say, the actions they take, the support they offer, and the relationships they build are visible. We can see them, experience them, and understand their impact.

Less attention is given to what is missing.

Absence rarely announces itself. It leaves little evidence behind and often goes unnoticed. Unlike conflict or loss, there isn't always something obvious to point to. Nothing concrete to explain.

Yet absence has its own influence.

Sometimes absence is inevitable. Sometimes it's necessary.

Over time, we adapt to what's missing. Some things are never spoken about. Questions remain unanswered. What is absent gradually becomes familiar and, because it's familiar, it's often difficult to articulate.

Perhaps this is why some experiences are so difficult to explain. The facts may be easy enough to describe, but understanding their impact can be much harder. Sometimes through time we become aware of what's missing.

You focus on what happened. You look for significant events and turning points to help you to make sense of things. But not everything that shapes your experiences are about you.

Sometimes it comes from what didn't happen.

About the Author

Ilana Estelle is an author and writer, and the founder of The CP Diary. Born with something she didn’t know she had, later learning it was cerebral palsy, and then ten years after – also being diagnosed with autism, she has turned personal adversity into a powerful platform for awareness, reflection, and change. Through her writing, Ilana inspires readers to explore resilience, mindfulness, and what it means to live authentically, no matter the challenges.

Looking for inspiration and honest reflection? Visit The CP Diary for daily insights. To explore Ilana’s books and resources, head to her author page and discover how her journey can support your own.