#therapyblog

I have decided I need a good healthy medium, or any really, to put the thoughts in my head into the world. I can't always say them or cant always find an ear to listen. Which isnt actually true. I have several people that will listen to me, I just cant get the shit out. I'm fucked up a little bit. I tried therapy and no called no showed to both appointments ( shitty ). This page is solely meant to vent, cry, type angrily, question etc. if it brings you entertainment well then win win.

Just for some background: I am a 25, soon to be 26, year old single mother with a six year old daughter. I work at a bank Monday-Friday. I read, take care of my plants, watch anime, and mom in my free time. I have 6 sisters and 2 brothers. And all with the same mom, sheesh. I am currently going through a messy, angry, confusing breakup with my daughters father. We have been together since 2014. I havent cried yet. All I feel is anger and yearning for him. We are still living together because he cant keep/get a job and I cant afford to move out on my own. I wish this bitch of a housing market would crash already so a mf can live. So I'm pretty much stressed in every aspect of my life. Arent we all? Hopefully someone (HA) out there can relate and maybe this vent will help. Or not, either way. Stay tuned. Idk where to start tbh. The childhood? The current? There is so much shit I could be here all day. I will just start with something that upset me recently. Today was a good day, or mundane I should say.

My dad, hes maybe 53? 54?, drove 3 hours away yesterday morning to go to a rehab for his crack addiction. I dont feel sad by this, I feel completely indifferent. I am no stranger to family going to rehab. That's the thing, no one cried, broke down sad blah blah. It was another day for all us siblings. My sister as even taking snapchats of the teepee outside of the rehab. Which is fine, but not normal I think? He got pulled over a couple blocks from my dead grandmothers house he still lives in (my brother took over the mortgage) and they made him walk home. The best part is, it is his own nephew that is selling him the crack. When he is high he gets creepy. One time when i was in third grade, I came home from school and he was sitting in his room cracked out watching a porno with wide eyes and a slack mouth. I think I went to my cousins house after that until it was very late and I had to go back. I didnt tell my uncle or anyone. I was scared. He stared at me in my sleep and tried to touch me. When I woke up he would move back like he wasnt doing anything. He had a one bedroom, run down house so we shared a room. This happened several times throughout the night. I didnt get a lot of sleep obviously. I had to be 8 or 9 idk for sure.

Honestly, I don't know how I've managed. I keep looking at the calendar in disbelief, when I notice it's been over four months. It has helped that I've been in a pretty good place mentally ( with the exception of the first month of summer). Knowing that I couldn't contact T made me take care of myself more than I would have if I could talk to her. I had to be the one to hold myself accountable. Most days I think of T at some point and I really miss her, but as time goes on I think about that less. If t eventually does come back to practicing I'm not sure if I will continue with therapy. #1 I think this break did a lot of damage to our relationship and I'm not sure if things can go back to how they were. #2 I'm doing okay without it. It is a huge expense and not having that extra expense has been nice.