I shared this with my therapist because she encouraged me to write agreements with myself, as I was trying to figure out how to make decisions that respected my own boundaries and at the same time, figure out what they were/are. And she suggested that I start a blog. And I remembered I already had a blog. So. Here they are maybe I will continue to share other things I find helpful in my own journey. I have been remembering that I have agreements with myself in interactions with other people and in other decisions making processes in my life, and sometimes journaling about them. But it has already become easier in the last couple months, especially to remember to slow down until I know what I feel.
Maybe this will inspire you to write your own agreements, or maybe you’ll use mine and change them as you see more what you need. I have been updating mine almost every time I read them over to add new pieces I’ve noticed, or take out things that aren’t really getting at what they need to - so this is probably a 10th draft. I’m working on writing some sub-agreements which pertain more specifically to sex. I might add another section someday about when something needs to be decided quickly and how to decide if it does, like if someone is in crisis or if it’s a decision with a deadline, but these are what I have been most needing to work with.
I’d love to hear what is working for you or what agreements you would add or alter.
1. I will take the time I need to make decisions.
I will not make exceptions for hurting someone's feelings, missing out on something i am not sure will be offered again, worry that they will feel anxious waiting for me to decide... I am allowed to be shy, indecisive, uncertain, timid, slow, not ready, not in the mood, confused, having blood sugar issues, or overwhelmed even if it doesn't seem like "enough" has happened... when things are slower i can feel myself
2. I will use the time I take to notice what is happening in my body and mind.
I will ask myself what feels uncomfortable/unpleasant, what feels good/pleasant, what feels neutral. I will ask myself if there is something I'm afraid of. I will ask myself if there is something I am curious about. I will ask myself what I'm enjoying. I will ask myself if I am being overly hard on myself. I will notice if i am preoccupied with the needs/desires/feelings/comfort of another person instead of on my own. I will ask myself if there's anything I want. I will ask myself if there's anything I need. I will ask myself if there really needs to be a "decision" made, or if it is okay to stay with uncertainty.
3. If someone is asking something of me, or has a need for help I see:
Once I have checked in with myself, I can think about the other person's needs/wants/feelings and how I want to and am able to interact with them or not.
4. I will communicate my decisions and my feelings
I will not worry how they will strike someone. I will explain them until they are understood if I am able/if needed. I am allowed not to explain myself if it doesn't feel right to. I am allowed to change my mind, I am allowed to explore and revisit, I am allowed to not have all the words. It is okay to not have things figured out. It is okay to be exploring and learning things for myself now that others explored when they were younger. It is inevitable that people will sometimes be hurt or feel bad when you don't want something they want or vis versa - but this is not always the case. You don't have to be the right person for everyone, or in every moment. People who want to be in your life will stay even if you don't want exactly the same things.
People who have a need or desire you can't/don't want to meet can find other ways internally and externally to meet it, just like you. If they can’t and you want to/are able to and they want you to, you can make suggestions, give reminders of their own resources, or direct them to some .
Things that feel charged for you don't necessarily feel charged for others; just like there are things you do that are neutral for you and very enjoyable or unenjoyable to others, there are things that are neutral for others that would be very enjoyable or unenjoyable to you.
You won't know what someone feels until you say what you are thinking. you can say what you are thinking/feeling even if you don't know what you want.
