monsteramomma

why do i need to be pushed over the edge of insanity

before the change I need is made?

I have to drown in the salty waves of my tears,

before I am washed up on the shore of reason

it is not an easy ride there, my body knows

Hair falls out, face ravaged by acne, I hate myself

I hate my body, I feel extreme guilt for my daughter

but above all, I am angry.. an anger tinted with scarlet

I am angry at the absolute façade put on by the justice system

"911 what is your emergency?" and then what?

a scoff, a condescending scowl, a "what are we? Children? Grow up"

I feel enough anger to consume the police station

to consume the court houses, the "safe houses" for abused women

and all the old fucks running it

Little does he know what this kid of emotion does, nor will he ever

he is smug and snarky, but fear lies within his chestnut eyes

for although I am not smiling, I am laughing

a low laugh that gradually grows with the absurdity of it all

she steps out into the pre-November air

it is the ideal autumnal night:

crispy, cloudless, and though provoking

how can she move forward when the past

clings to her skin, like the chill does to her fingers?

she is not a phoenix, but a red coal in a rusty burn

here is a small but profound list of things that happen when I mix my liqueur:

1.) try to fight man with a mullet named Alan

2.) lose shoes

3.) quote Horton Hears A Who

4.) climb dirt pile outside of venue

5.) transform into Buff Barbie and commence to rage

6.) send dirt texts to every ex/crush in the past ten years

last but not least

7.) complain about the bed not being made, therefore not fit to sleep in, find the smallest blanket and immediately fall asleep on the couch

I think a big part of my problem is that I suppress any uncomfortable emotion. Or maybe just sadness bc it does not last long when I feel it. It usually comes out in irritation or anger anyway but under that mask of rage is a calm pond of sad waiting to be rippled. Today a man put his little boat on the shore and rowed across it. He didnt get there very easy, he had to work on chipping away at that stone façade of bitterness for quite some time. he did this in numerous ways and eventually achieved his goal. He doesnt know it was happening nonetheless he rippled my tear pond. which is strange bc i can really cry at anything. But there is a difference between crying bc something makes you sad and actually BEING sad I think. I digress. It would be impossible for anyone to truly understand especially without knowing all of the shit I mucked through with and because of this man. I love him like no one I ever have before, and I also fucking hate him like I have never hated. And it breaks my heart. 8 years and 1 child later our relationship is over, so why can't I just let this shit go. It is obvious we can not work. were both fucked up, he likes to say "were two fucked up halves of one whole". When he says that I do one of the three things: show repulsion, hug him closer to me, or cry. And today is the latter. Reflecting on the situation i think he was lingering around to talk to me and what did i do? I said " I fucking hate you, I hope you die. I cant stand you, I cant stand to be near you. Go die." Why am I like this? How does it feel to hear that from someone you love? I dont mean any of that so why do I say it. I dont want to be with him, I dont want him to be with anyone else, I want him for myself. make it make sense.

POV: we were in the garage, I was going to clean my car out. he offered to do it bc he is better at it and we both know it. i drove the car out back and we started arguing about money. he doesnt provide for his daughter. he let me know he has money and all i see is red. its cold, 54 degrees and windy. the garage is dusty and tight. I tell him I dont need his fucking help with anything, bc I fucking hate you and want you to die. he drops the shop vac tool. he said he needs the money to "get on my feet. how can i provide for my daughter if i cant provide for my daughter" but I dont care. I only want to hurt him bc i am feeling that way. I call him a pos sleazy scumbag dad for putting the financial burden on me. he goes to walk out the garage door and I kick a bucket he scoffs or something and I say one last time, "i fucking hate you" and punch in the back. slamming the door locking it. i attempt to clean out the car but i just cant. i grip the trunk sobbing, i move to the side, sink to the floor and silent sobs rack me. I want to let it all out, to cry until I cant anymore but there is a knock on the door.

I hope it is him, my heart jumps. I want more interaction.

Me: what?

to continue from yesterday, after that I spent as much time at my cousins as I could to avoid that problem entirely. I told no one. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. One morning I missed the bus, this is still third grade, it was a winter morning. I couldnt possibly remember the month but my dad didnt have a car. He drove a Yamaha motorcycle that started with a wrench pulled by some wire. I remember him driving me to school on this fucking thing freezing my ass off and I just recall the shame of having everyone stare at me on this loud ass motorcycle at like 8 in the morning. I dont remember much of anything from elementary school tbh. I went to predominantly black schools, we usually lived in poverty stricken areas. idk if I try to suppress these memories or if I genuinely can not remember. I always told myself I have a shit memory but maybe it has nothing to do with my memory retention.

I have decided I need a good healthy medium, or any really, to put the thoughts in my head into the world. I can't always say them or cant always find an ear to listen. Which isnt actually true. I have several people that will listen to me, I just cant get the shit out. I'm fucked up a little bit. I tried therapy and no called no showed to both appointments ( shitty ). This page is solely meant to vent, cry, type angrily, question etc. if it brings you entertainment well then win win.

Just for some background: I am a 25, soon to be 26, year old single mother with a six year old daughter. I work at a bank Monday-Friday. I read, take care of my plants, watch anime, and mom in my free time. I have 6 sisters and 2 brothers. And all with the same mom, sheesh. I am currently going through a messy, angry, confusing breakup with my daughters father. We have been together since 2014. I havent cried yet. All I feel is anger and yearning for him. We are still living together because he cant keep/get a job and I cant afford to move out on my own. I wish this bitch of a housing market would crash already so a mf can live. So I'm pretty much stressed in every aspect of my life. Arent we all? Hopefully someone (HA) out there can relate and maybe this vent will help. Or not, either way. Stay tuned. Idk where to start tbh. The childhood? The current? There is so much shit I could be here all day. I will just start with something that upset me recently. Today was a good day, or mundane I should say.

My dad, hes maybe 53? 54?, drove 3 hours away yesterday morning to go to a rehab for his crack addiction. I dont feel sad by this, I feel completely indifferent. I am no stranger to family going to rehab. That's the thing, no one cried, broke down sad blah blah. It was another day for all us siblings. My sister as even taking snapchats of the teepee outside of the rehab. Which is fine, but not normal I think? He got pulled over a couple blocks from my dead grandmothers house he still lives in (my brother took over the mortgage) and they made him walk home. The best part is, it is his own nephew that is selling him the crack. When he is high he gets creepy. One time when i was in third grade, I came home from school and he was sitting in his room cracked out watching a porno with wide eyes and a slack mouth. I think I went to my cousins house after that until it was very late and I had to go back. I didnt tell my uncle or anyone. I was scared. He stared at me in my sleep and tried to touch me. When I woke up he would move back like he wasnt doing anything. He had a one bedroom, run down house so we shared a room. This happened several times throughout the night. I didnt get a lot of sleep obviously. I had to be 8 or 9 idk for sure.