#syseducationweek

Oftentimes with DID/OSDD, it can be difficult to tell who you are. Our system kind of has a list of questions we go through, and I thought I might post them to see if anyone else finds them useful. I’ve added some too.

Do I have an accent/speak a different language? If so, what kind?

What gender feeling do I have (masculine, feminine, androgynous)?

What pronouns do I use?

What age do I feel like (adult, middle, little)?

Am I an extrovert or introvert?

What main emotion am I feeling or goal do I have?

What music do I like?

What’s my favorite color?

How long/what style of hair do I have in innerworld?

Do I feel shorter, taller, or around the same height as the body?

Do I have any pseudomemories? If so, what are they?

Do I seem more like an ANP or EP?

Do I feel non-human in any way? If so, what do I feel about me is not human (wings, horns, etc.)?

What hand do I write with easier?

Do I need glasses?

Am I having any functioning issues (motor, vocal, etc.)?

[Insert things specific to one or a few alters in your system that others don’t experience or do.]

And I uh. Forgot what day of the week it was, dissociated most of today, and have little to no memory of what we did!

i identify more with OSDD than DID because i don't experience time loss, but the types of alters in my system resemble tertiary more than secondary structural dissociation - that is to say, we have both trauma holding system members and multiple helper system members who assist in everyday life. my chart says DID, but this may be for insurance reasons. what i’m saying is, it’s not always clear-cut.

ultimately, i think it's most important to remember that the coping skills and recovery paths for DID and OSDD are essentially the same, and it's common for published treatment literature aimed towards patients not to focus at all on diagnosis, merely whatever combination of symptoms presents, which may or may not line up perfectly with diagnostic criteria.

You know, I'm known as the asshole. The one that blows up and leaves a mess for others to clean up. I'm so bad that we made an entirely separate account for me to have my own blog. Satan is more civil than me.

All this sounds pretty persecutory, doesn't it? In all actuality, I'm a protector.

I'm the one who snaps when we get pushed too far. I'm the one who breaks off abusive or neglectful friendships or relationships. I'm the one who goes maybe a little too far just to make sure that they won't mess with us again.

After all, if it's not me, who is it? Not the littles. One can't stand conflict and another is so caught up in the trauma she holds that she refuses to front for fear of it happening again. It won't be our host - they're too afraid of having nobody that they'd rather be used and neglected and abused then told they're overreacting when they try to speak up for themselves.

So if not me, who else?

I've gained a little reputation among the system, and some people outside who've gotten the joy of being on the bad side of my temper, and you know what?

I'm okay with being told I'm "the closest thing to an evil alter that we have" (thanks, asshole, for sending our host through that loop). I'm okay with being known as the asshole. I'm okay with being pushed away for fear of me screwing something up.

Why am I okay with this? With being, what others would call, mistreated?

Because I'm doing my job. A job nobody else up here wants to do.

So I'm okay with being pushed away. I'm okay with it all. Because eventually, inevitably, they always come back to me and I do what I can to make life better. Whether that means dropping assholes like hot potatoes, or snapping at someone who's intentionally triggering our psychosis. I'm okay with it.

Because I have a job to do. And I will do it.

One of my proudest moments? It actually came recently. Our host stood up for themself, all on their own. I wasn't there to back them up, I wasn't there to take over when it got too much. They did it themself.

When I don't have to do my job? Sure, I may not front much for those times, but that's good. It brings the collective far less stress, especially the host. I don't like being triggered to the front often, so when I am, it means we're in some deep shit that the host can't handle alone. And I don't like that. Because they're strong. And if they can't handle it, it means someone beat them down until they were weak again and I had to be strong for them.

I don't want to be strong for them. I want them to be able to be strong on their own. I don't want them to need me, but they do, so... I'm here. I've been here since the beginning. And I'll be here forever. Because nobody else will do what I do, will take over those hard decisions and moments of "is this worth it"

I have a job to do. Nobody else will do it. So I have to. And I'm okay with that - I'll do it. I'll do anything they need.

DID is dissociation

DID is never being in the moment

DID is seeing life through a fog

DID is feeling like you’re living life in third person

DID is living life in a dream where reality doesn’t even feel real

DID is feeling so disconnected from your body, like it’s not yours

DID is confusion and fear when you look in the mirror

DID is amnesia

DID is not knowing half your life

DID is questioning every picture thinking how could that be me?

DID is thinking you’ve slept through the day, missing important events and deadlines

DID is not knowing what you did today, or even five minutes ago

DID is forgetting who you are, your name, birthday, address, what you like

DID is being bewildered about what life you’ve lived and what life you haven’t

DID is alters

DID is never knowing who you are, just that you’re “you”

DID is confusion about your identity, in a million different ways

DID is not having control over what you do or what you did

DID is never being alone yet still feeling incredibly lonely

DID is denial

DID is questioning if you had trauma

DID is questioning if it was bad enough

DID is questioning if your own memories are hiding something from you

DID is wanting to know what’s hiding but being terrified of the answer

DID is spiraling into doubt because you must be fake, this isn’t real

DID is locking yourself out from spaces and people who could help because of this fear

DID is being worried you actually don’t have it, but just as worried that you do

DID is trauma

DID is having been through so much and wondering if it will ever stop

DID is hating yourself and treating yourself like trash because you were taught to believe it’s what you deserve

DID is having no one to turn to for support

DID is wishing there was someone who would give you unconditional love

DID is never feeling safe

DID is falling into another trauma right after getting out

DID is convos between alters and inside jokes and taking a break from life sometimes or getting to be the happy version of you that never got to exist growing up

DID is terrifying, horrible, sad and angry and hating, confusing, stuck in the bad parts of life you’ve always had to deal with and never knowing anything about anything

DID is meeting others with OSDDID and crying, because oh my god, there is finally someone out there I can talk to, someone who understands what I’m going through

Since we don’t know a lot to do with innerworlds, I focused on the communication part of today’s prompt for summer system education week.

I wanna share some resources I’ve found on system communication and journaling (which I’m a huge advocate for. Out of the many different ways we’ve tried to communicate, journaling has been the most helpful for us.) I also recently got a pre-set-up journal recommended by my therapist, and I’d like to share some of the things in there as well.

Ok, before getting into journaling, here are some general system communication resources I’ve found:

Internal Communication- The Core of Treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder

Developing Internal Communication - Starting with the Basics

Reducing Amnesia - Developing Co-Consciousness

Integrating ‘new’ parts

Staying Organized with Dissociative Identity Disorder (talks about some different communication methods)

For journaling, my first source is about How to Journal for DID. I’d also like to note some tips:

In free journaling, make sure to put the date, time (if able), and name of the alter journaling. If you’re unsure who’s journaling, put who you might be, who you’re closest to, who you may feel like a mix of, or if you really can’t tell, just put Blurry (or Unknown, if applicable).

Try to write every day. Set a reminder for yourself on your phone or something if it will help, set aside some time to just write.

If you can’t think of anything to write, and prompts don’t help, just start writing. It can be anything, notes, activities, even drawings count. Also beginning to write makes it easier to continue and let ideas flow.

You can write to no one in particular or to the world, but you can also write to other alters. Some conversations can occur back and forth in your journal pages. Even if it takes a few days or weeks for the other alter to see your writing, it can still be helpful.

Read through your journal and re-read it from time to time. Are there entries you don’t remember? Or ones you vaguely remember but feel different reading them as you? You can also write responses to alters asking questions or writing to you.

If you want, feel free to mark out different section for different alters, or a section specifically for talking to others in the system, etc. You can mark them with small post-it notes or bookmarks, so you may know more easily where to look for certain information or notes.

Next I’m gonna share the sections of the journal I got, along with some resources to go with different sections (many are from did-sos.com, because man, it’s a great resource site). Some are relevant to multiple sections, but I’ll only write each one once. I’ll put these below a cut since this post is already turning out to be a little long.

Link to get this journal if you’re interested

I’m a little wiped out today, so I don’t have a ton, but here’s what I do have! I’ll start with some grounding tools and techniques for dissociation my therapist shared with me.

A grounding box: Put different things in here that stimulate your senses. This includes things that are visually appealing, things that have strong scents (I’ve found smell to be one of the easiest ways to ground for myself), things with different textures, things that make certain noises, etc.

Setting up a calm place you can go to in your mind when you’re stressed or triggered can help with grounding. It involves taking a memory of a place and time where you felt safe and calm and going through your senses in that memory to help remind yourself of that feeling. You also set up a word connected to the memory and reinforce that connection to help you get there more easily.

Use an anchor item. This can be rings, a bracelet, a key chain, or fidget toys that can help you be more present in the moment.

Rub ice on your left collarbone.

Use a heating pad or warm item on tense areas like your stomach, shoulders, chest, or feet.

Salt on your tongue, sour candy, lemon or lime juice, mint candy, breath strips (for the intense mint), and (peppermint) five gum can all help you with grounding by stimulating your sense of taste and bringing you to focus on that as you come back from dissociation.

Cold showers or splashing cold water on your face can sometimes help with grounding.

Tip: Look for yawning as an indicator you are becoming more grounded.

While we do what we can to lower dissociation from day to day, amnesia can still be a problem. Here are some tips for identifying/dealing with amnesia from DID/OSDD.

First I wanna share a tip for my fellow systems with ADHD out there. I’ve now had two therapists let me know a good way of identifying whether memory loss is due to ADHD or dissociation. With memory loss in ADHD, if someone reminds you of something, you’re likely to remember it once they tell you, but with dissociative memory loss, you may not actually recall the memory even after someone tells you about it.

There are different types of inter-identity amnesia you can experience with DID. What we often call blackouts are more well-known, where it seems like a whole chunk of your day/week is just fully missing. You don’t know much about the time you lost. With what we often call greyouts, the memory is more like knowing what happened than visually remembering, in the way that it’s more like someone gave you a summary of what happened while you were out. In some cases, you may initially remember everything that happened after a switch, but those memories fade soon after.

Some of what helps me identify which alters were present during certain memories is going through the memory and seeing if it seems like it’s in first person or third person to me. Most people have memories in first person, and if I as an alter was fronting (and not just co-con or remembering shared memories with other alters), I may see the memory from a first-person point of view, while if it belongs to someone else, it’ll seem more in third person.

Have a (private) place to keep important basic info about yourself if you need it/can’t remember. If you have a journal, you can dedicate a couple pages to this.

Setting reminders/alarms to go off when something needs to be done (and making sure I write what I’m reminding myself about) is really helpful in trying to be less forgetful.