We are bodily an adult and have 21+ alters. We have DID. Our collective pronouns are they/them.
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i was on a trip (coming home later today) and have been so damn busy haven’t gotten around to posting about my last few therapy sessions. someone remind me in like, 8 hours lest i forget again
When I first started working on healing, I thought it meant that if I froze, dissociated, got triggered or had any sort of intense emotional reaction that I was undoing my progress. Or that if they happened, it meant I wasn't healing. (I still struggle with dissociating, triggers and stuff like that.)
It took time, but I began to realize that the progress is in noticing it happening sooner, being able to cope with it, or bounce back quicker. Or that it happens less frequently. Sometimes I'm able to notice the signs and prevent it from happening.
For me, it was never about 'never struggling' but about learning to deal with the struggles.
i’ve tried to make maps before and always had trouble with them. i can’t really mark out everyone and all their relationships or connections and how close they are to other parts all at once, and a lot of relationships between certain alters i have no idea the nature of or if they can communicate or not.
so this time we did it differently. i, as an alter/host, talked about my ability to communicate or lack there of with each part. during this i also occasionally brought up when i thought two parts were really close or communicative or specifically didn’t get along or had strong barriers between them. verbalizing was easier than trying to figure out everything all at once and draw a map of it.
at the end of session, my therapist got out colored pencils and paper for me to map my relationships as an alter with each of the others. it ended up looking something like this:
i made three categories of communication: those i could communicate with pretty easily, those i had stronger dissociative barriers with, and those who fall somewhere in the middle. i also used a traffic light system for alters within each category. those colored green were the ones in their category i was best able to communicate with, those colored yellow were in the middle, and those colored red i was less able to communicate with than the others in their category and/or had stronger dissociative barriers with. Alice is a part who sits between two categories so i put her in both. Owen is colored blue because i literally have no idea where he falls (i think he’s been dormant for a while?) and Allistair is purple, because they’re able to communicate with everyone, but it doesn’t signify how close their relationship is with an alter because it’s related to them being a gatekeeper.
this week i’m hoping to do a little more random mapping at home. nothing super organized, but maybe writing down the nature of relationships between parts that i’m aware of. i’m hoping that in therapy, since Juniper is gonna be the one starting off our trauma work, she’ll be able to make a chart like the one above for herself as well.
we ended our session with me talking about boundaries for communicating with and coaxing out parts we need to communicate with before officially starting trauma work. i mentioned to my therapist be patient and kind (obviously), to inform them of what’s going on, and to be aware they might be afraid of him. for getting these parts to front, we can’t just call to them, since i have very strong dissociative barriers with these two. but our gatekeeper may be able to help if he’s available, and we can also use songs i’ve found are positive triggers for each part. the only other triggers i know for them are negative, and scaring them into coming out would not help anyone. hopefully we can start to talk to them about this all next week.
finally starting trauma work in therapy this summer!
the original plan was to start a little earlier but a breakup and physical illness pushed it back. but my therapist says i’m taking it all pretty well, especially compared to the past, and also for how important the relationship was to me. it’s cool to see when coping strategies i’ve learned actually work or i’m actually able to handle things instead of splitting.
i think the reason i actually feel confident that i’m ready this time is that i’m not rushing it. before i really wanted to get to this part so i could get over and get through the trauma. i was so annoyed at having to restabilize when new shit kept happening every other week. when i was first discovering my system and was doing emdr shortly after with a past therapist, i minimized my dissociative symptoms and didn’t put real effort into figuring out who was in my system and was or wasn’t ok with it. and of course that led to negative consequences and having to stop the emdr before more of the reprocessing.
this time i’m the one saying “hey, let’s talk to these two parts about this first, cuz even though they don’t hold the trauma that we’re focusing on, what they might hold could be related. and even though we’re not focusing on that trauma or them, i want them to be aware of what’s going on and see if they consent to us working on the other trauma without it causing them a lot of distress.” and these are two parts i as an alter can’t even communicate with internally. so the switching and communicating about this should be done in therapy too (as well as for other reasons). and that will take time, but i’m okay with that.
for the trauma we plan to work on, juniper, who holds it, is the one who expressed wanting to do so too. she doesn’t get intensely triggered by talking about it anymore, and she’s expanded the feelings she can experience throughout the years.
i think it also matters that we’ve forgiven the perpetrator - at least, to an extent. we don’t wanna talk to him again or want him anywhere near us. but we’re not pissed at him the way we once were. and we do truly hope he gets better instead of killing himself. we still wish it wouldn’t have happened and ruined a lot for us, and still affecting how we interact in relationships to this day. but as a person, he’s some hurt guy who hurt other people, and we can extend him the empathy we would for other random human beings.
i’m excited to start this stage of therapy, but i’m also really calm about it, yknow? since my breakup and graduation from college, i’ve been working to start anew and get my life together. fully cleaned my room, working on making more meals at home, regular forms of exercise, trying to take better care of my body and my mind, etc. and this feels like another way i’m working to improve myself and my life.
as we go through the journey, i’m hoping to document it here - if i remember to. hopefully it can help the people like me who worried they would never reach this stage and don’t know what stability looks like when life is still throwing things at you every other week. because i’ve realized it’s not when nothing bad is going on, but when you’re able to handle those things, able to take a break or step back, and are willing to go slow.
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it's okay to be angry about the apologies you will never receive. and one day i hope you can not be haunted by their actions. no longer being haunted by them is not admittance that their actions against you were somehow okay. it's more than worthy to be angry about. it's just that you also deserve to live a life that is not ruled in any way whatsoever by their actions. and one day, you will get there.
I'm making this post for the DID community to try to put everything into one timeline. I will no longer be reblogging posts about the subject, but my DMs are open. Below is information on the timeline of things unfolding in the last week publicly, Simply Plural, Octocon, Ampersand, Concordia, if and/or when they're shutting down, why they're shutting down, and alternatives for system organization.
Simply Plural: On March 7, 2026, Simply Plural announced that it would no longer be continuing its development. You can read the official post here.
When: Simply Plural will remain available until the funds run out to host the online servers. An end date has not been announced, and it has been promised that there will be 1-2 months between the announcement of the end date and the official end date of the platform. In the interim, the platform will not be updated/developed, though it is still usable.
Why: The developers started the app in 2020/2021 during Covid, when folks were working from home and had more time to develop the platform. By 2023, there were over 200.000 registered users, with 10.000 to 15.000 daily active users. The developer dedicated hundreds of hours to development, but it came to the point where the developer no longer has the time to continue working on the app. As stated: "[A]ny free time I do find, it's usually spent on answering emails, doing upkeep, management and generally providing support. This leaves virtually no time that I can spend on actually developing the app further."
Octocon: The influx of users and harassment that led to its announcement of closure.
When: Atlas is currently trying to approve the Google and Apple apps to have export functionality. After these apps are approved, there will be another announcement, and then there will be two weeks between that announcement and Octocon's closure. An official date has not been announced.
Why: The Octocon team has been harassed over the last week to an incredible degree, although they've been harassed since their conception. You can see more info below. Basically, Atlas is done taking the harassment from the community. Below is a timeline of the events of the last few days, if you're confused why Tumblr and Discord users are angry.
March 7th: Octocon welcomes their influx of users, sharing what Octocon is and how to use it.
March 7th, 11 hours later: Octocon announces that the application is stabilizing after the influx of new users. Atlas pledges to dedicate the next two weeks to bug-fixing.
March 9th: Octocon releases a statement on their Tumblr, which you can see here. This is clearing up a few misunderstandings. By this point, Octocon already has a past rooted in the whole pro-endo/anti-endo discourse, and more users who felt strong opinions on either side were harassing the developer and mod team. As a result, they pledged to release a statement that likely took hours-to-days to compile, proof read, and publish.
March 11th: Octocon releases a Discord announcement and a Google Doc (linked here) outlining controversies that Tumblr and Discord users had been DMing them and harassing them over in an attempt to stop the harassment. I mean, it was so bad there's STILL a Tumblr user I won't tag that's sole mission is spreading bad-faith misinfo over a situation handled literal years ago. But to focus on the pro-endo/anti-endo harassment:
This is backed up by a statement released last year in their Discord in February:
Here's some reactions from within the Discord server on the announcement (note the eyebrow, dead guy emoji, etc):
As well as some replies in their #discuss-announcements channel. The majority of these replies were positive, but it's important to point out the negativity in these cases, as well as why this announcement had to be made. Usernames are censored for privacy/safety.
Atlas here also pledges to keep Octocon alive:
March 13th: Atlas retires Octocon, citing harassment.
Considering they had to make a statement about years of controversy, this doesn't surprise me. Here's a post I made already with screenshots as to what the reactions were in the server to this announcement.
Ampersand: On March 13, the devs address some things, but state there's no hiatus or shutdown. See the official post here.
When: Ampersand has deleted their Tumblr, restricted their Discord, and removed most servers.
Why: Harassment. I'll just show my favorite quotes:
Concordia: On March 15, they announce a small hiatus. See the official post here.
When: They have not released a statement on when they'll publicly return. They may or may not continue development in the background off of social media.
Why: They said it best.
Alternatives: Below are some alternatives for system organization. Click the names to be taken to their websites.
PluralKit: The most known system proxy bot. Has a discord interface that I very much enjoy, and a web app, though I don't think they have a phone app. Allows you to group alters, add colors, write bios, etc.
Tupperbox: Primarily used by the roleplay community for RP bots, but Systems do use this for Discord proxying. Similar features to PluralKit.
Obsidian: Obsidian is a free, open-source note-taking software that allows you to create notes that are saved in markdown format on your local device. You can choose to set up an online sync or pay for expanded storage, but you can also sync that folder to other storage software (like Dropbox, Microsoft Office, Nextcloud, etc.) if you want to have access from multiple locations. Obsidian allows you to map graphs of your notes (maybe to make a system map) as well as add notes to a calendar (such as to log front history), and add properties to different notes. You can also make & access multiple vaults if you want multiple systems separated, or just to keep your system map separated from personal notes.
Ourcana: There's a pros and cons post here on Reddit. I do not have experience with this application. Supposedly there's an app, join their Discord for more information.
Hivemind: There's another post from Tumblr of pros and cons here. Allows imports, is offline, PC + app.
Feel free to add more alternatives in the notes.
Tl;dr / my thoughts:
The system community has done this to itself. Be kind to people. Stop harassing people who have different opinions.
maybe you did do something wrong. maybe you hurt someone. maybe you have said awful things. maybe you were just as bad as them. maybe. but what matters is that you move on. you have to try. you have to wake up and be kinder. you have to learn and listen and grow. maybe you did do something wrong but that doesn't mean you have to keep doing that. as long as you are alive, you can change
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i’m in a relationship (read: multiple) again, and it’s nice. i flirted with these people and i wanted their partnership. but now that i have them, i’m terrified.
once i said yes to the relationships, they went from this theoretical want to something real. something i’m afraid i won’t be able to maintain, something i’m afraid of ending badly.
i try to remind myself that my partners are not the kind to pressure me into anything i don’t want to do, but that past trauma still lurks in my body, saying “what if they do”
i think i’m also afraid because of the friend losses i’ve had the past couple years. the people i’m seeing are so fun and sweet and i enjoy talking to them every day. if something goes wrong, i fear losing even more friends.
i’m working to remind myself to not fear the end tne second something begins. i’m trying to enjoy the present. but it’s hard when ur body and mind remember the pain of the past
learning that constantly thinking about and analyzing and interpreting my traumas isn’t actually healing . and don’t get me wrong its made me a very effective communicator and emotionally intelligent person. but actually im supposed to be moving on and experiencing new things and happiness and stuff and not just compulsively reliving and recontextualizing the past. oops!
Best therapist I ever had helped me unpack my trauma and then, crucially, helped me pack it away again
Except this time it's all correctly labeled so when I start experiencing issues related to them I'm not just drowning in undefined pain.
I'm like: "ah shit the Childhood Neglect container is leaking all over everything! I better mop it up and put it in a new container"
And sometimes something comes up and I'm like: "ah. This belongs in the religious trauma box. Let me put it away and then I can do art until I feel better"
You unpack your trauma to organise it and correctly label it do you know how to handle it. But you still pack it away so you can live your actual life
"I'm okay with you having DID, I just don't want to talk to or meet any of your alters."
I'm an alter too, you know. Every single time you've interacted with me, I'm an alter. Even before you knew I had DID, even before I knew I had DID, we've been speaking to each other as various different alters. To ask to only interface with one singular version of me because you find the other versions of me uncomfortable to be around is hurtful.
We have little to no control over who's fronting at any particular time. We switch a lot, that's the nature of my system. Even we don't know who's fronting all the time, not least because we're discovering new parts still all these years later.
And, ultimately, they're all me. If you've only met one version of me and like that one version of me, do you truly like me? If you've only ever gotten to know me in that particular mode, how well do you actually know me? How can you say you love me when there's all these other me's that you cast aside and ignore?
You can't say you're okay with my DID but then ask to never get to know my alters. Because, ultimately, that means you never get to know me. And that means you're not okay with my DID- or with me.
first: keep pushing the boulder up the hill. when it rolls down, follow it. don’t walk, run. push the boulder up the hill. don’t look up. push the boulder, chase it back, push the boulder, keep your eyes on the ground. men have moved mountains. the pebble in your pocket is more than you can carry. push the boulder. whatever you do, don’t stop.
then: wash your face in cold water. don’t look in the mirror. walk for long hours. run until your legs could give out any step. scream if you remember how. don’t forget about the boulder. you can’t stop pushing. hold ice in your hands. do you feel anything yet?
find Atlas. sit before him as he bears the sky on his shoulders. ask him if he would like to put it down. reach up and touch what you can. try to lift it. when your body trembles, you stop. for a moment, you made the world lighter. you still are pushing your boulder. ask Atlas if you really touched the sky.
move back home. pretend it’s okay. pretend it’s not. grieve, or don’t. push your boulder until your shoulders ache. it might be okay to sit with your back against it, just for a moment. the weight is crushing. wrap yourself in your favorite blanket when you stand up again.
sleep. you need it. take rest when it comes. your dreams are no better than being awake. sleep anyway. push boulders in your dreams. turn your face skyward and try to find your favorite constellation. sleep even when it scares you.
get better shoes. you’ve worn holes in yours from walking so far. make sure they fit. make sure they hold onto the earth as you strain against gravity to move a boulder and a pebble and the sky. pick a pair that comes in your favorite color. smile.
you have been alive longer than you ever dreamed of. when your birthday comes, celebrate. wonder, for the first time, if you only imagined the length of your strand of fate. watch the boulder slip down. run after it. when you push it up again, do it older.
stand in doorways. ask Janus if he remembers you. hold up a mirror. you’re surprised the glass isn’t shattered. push the boulder. don’t look up. tell Janus you are fractured. tell him you don’t know where to go. this doorway is not a crossroads. it’s time to keep going.
bake bread. break bread. your family is waiting for you at the dinner table. join them. push the boulder through mud. light candles and hold your head high. recite blessings until you have no more space for joy. recite one more. hold the hand of someone you love.
put down the pebble. it doesn’t weigh anything. push the boulder. walk past Sisyphus. don’t stop to ask him questions. you have not been punished: it is not your fault you must keep going. realize there is sunlight on your face. look up. reach your hands up for a sky you cannot reach. forgive Atlas underneath the awestruck colors of dawn. step forward.
one of the most important things about dissociative identity disorder and generally being a system that i wish people would understand is that it truly isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem for member count.
you’ll see people who say they have “six alters” and then immediately assume it’s six fully fleshed out equal individuals with no confusion or fuzziness regarding identity. that’s simply not true in a majority of cases, as i have seen.
most systems still VERY much deal with confusion regarding potential splits, go through dissociative episodes where they’re unsure of who they are, sometimes feel no attachment towards any identities, feel like they might have split and then suddenly that person is gone, unsure if alters they haven’t heard from often have gone dormant, not sure how to react when alters do come out of dormancy, etc.
it’s not a fun feeling and it’s genuinely unfair in certain situations to force systems to list every single alter to you with full certainty, as if it will never change. because it will. for so many different reasons, systems will grow, they will shrink, they will fuse, they will develop. you can’t expect the person with the dissociative disorder and lack of core identity to be able to keep up a perfected list of forever, it’s simply impossible. you may have alters who stick with you, but that doesn’t mean changes won’t happen.
and systems who may be reading this — please don’t feel bad. you are not a hassle, you are not a headache, and you are not an inconvenience for simply coping with something like this. it’s out of your control and the only thing you can do is continue to cope to find ways to help yourself retrain from these reactions. please don’t allow yourself to be harmed by others who don’t understand what you are going through. there are people who will accept and love you for who you are, all of you.
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I’m about to save you thousands of dollars in therapy by teaching you what I learned paying thousands of dollars for therapy:
It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.
Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.
1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.
2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?
3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?
4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”
5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.
6. Repeat, it takes practice but is a skill you can learn :)
I have been in EMDR therapy recently to help with past trauma and like 90% of the appointments is just this post. Which I thought was silly at first bcs I was like "well I know how I'm feeling, I feel bad" but man you have no idea. Literally JUST talking through whatever stressful thing I have going on at the moment and whenever I feel a Big Emotion stopping and acknowledging, naming, and sitting with it. I've made more progress with my trauma and mental illnesses just doing this in a single year than I have in like 10+ years of therapy.
It might feel silly or pointless at first but stick with it, it really helps.
As someone with alexithymia, I have found DBT's handouts on "Understanding and Naming Emotions" really helpful in being able to tell what emotion I was having to then validate it or manage it. They are detailed. On each emotion page, Marsha Linehan (long may she live) put things under the following headings, to create a detailed emotion profile:
[Emotion] words - synonyms for and variations of the main emotion e.g. under anger is fury, outrage, resentment, bitterness, annoyance, frustration, hostility, etc
Prompting events for feeling [emotion] - so for anger some prompting events could be "having an important goal blocked," "you or someone you care about being threatened or attacked," etc
Interpretations of events that prompt feelings of [emotion] - similar to above, but it is thought patterns or beliefs that could prompt having a feeling - an example for anger is "ruminating about the situation that caused the anger in the first place"
Biological changes and experiences of [emotion] - so for anger, bodily experiences like fast breathing, a tightness in your chest, tensed muscles, being unable to stop crying - and urges you might get, like wanting to hurt someone
Expressions and actions of [emotion] - just what it sounds like. For anger some examples are: walking heavily, stomping, slamming things; brooding or withdrawing from others; mean expression; physically or verbally attacking someone; crying; grinning
Aftereffects of [emotion] - what happens after the first intense wave of emotion finishes. For anger it includes: narrowing of attention, ruminating about past and imagined future situations that could make you angry, depersonalisation and dissociative experiences
I tend to slowly scan each part of my body for physical sensations, body language, and urges (ie "biological changes and experiences") and then try to match those to an emotion, now that I have those cheat sheets. Getting good at this took a lot of practice and repetition. For me at least, it is a manual skill I have had to build up.
Working backwards to figure out what emotions you might logically have in response to an event and seeing if those match what you are feeling can be really helpful too.
You can find these DBT emotion handouts here (scroll to page 7 for the start of the emotion profiles):
And here is every single DBT handout from the official manual for anyone interested (don't sue me pls):
Also helpful to other people I have talked to is this emotion-sensation wheel by Lindsay Brahman, which some people find easier to follow:
Just don't do a me - I took this too literally at first and thought that only the sensations directly branching off the emotions made up those emotions. In reality there is a lot of mixing and matching, and a lot of stuff not covered on the wheel. It is a rough (but often useful!) guide.
And here is another useful infographic that comes from this article by Greatist, which they adapted from a 2014 study that aimed to map bodily sensations of emotions. Yellow areas are the most activated/tense regions (so they might feel hot, tight, tense, full of energy, warm, maybe sick or fluttery if it is your stomach), and blue areas are the least activated regions (feel heavy, hard to move, maybe weak or cold)
And finally a tip for my neurodivergent friends: when you are scanning your body for emotions, look for signs or causes of overstimulation first, and address that before you try to do any of this - headphones, leaving a space, eating or drinking, turning off lights, weighted blankets, going somewhere cooler or warmer, stimming, whatever you need/can reasonably do. In its early stages overstimulation may feel like an intense emotion, and unfortunately mixing them up can lead to some bad and unproductive times.
America has a weird relationship with cults where they’re terrified of small cults (or organizations they think are cults) but completely normalized massive cults that hurt many more people (eg: LDS Church, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Amish, Scientology, most Megachurches)
To anybody asking if the Amish are a cult, the answer is yes, very much so.
They’re a high control group that isolate you from society. The cult decides how you dress, how you behave, who you marry and how. They control what you know, blocking all information from the outside world. They control how you feel and what you’re allowed to think with threats of both social and supernatural harm. They’re a cult.
The best method to determine if a group is a cult, in my opinion, is Steven Hassan’s (cult expert and former cult member himself) BITE model.
BITE stands for Behavior Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotional Control.
The more points a group “scores” on the model, the more of a cult it is.
I think this model is the best one for several reasons:
It’s more nuanced than “cult” or “not cult” and doesn’t make false equivalences between groups
It’s versatile, applying to groups big and small, and cults of all kinds, religious, political, financial, etc.
It focuses on what’s important, which is what the cult does to its members, and those members’ experiences, and not on irrelevant details like how uncommon their doctrines are or whether they have a charismatic leader
#you might notice that there are a lot of similarities between cult techniques and those of abusive partners#and that is an important thing to be aware of
