#systemeducationweek

You know, I'm known as the asshole. The one that blows up and leaves a mess for others to clean up. I'm so bad that we made an entirely separate account for me to have my own blog. Satan is more civil than me.

All this sounds pretty persecutory, doesn't it? In all actuality, I'm a protector.

I'm the one who snaps when we get pushed too far. I'm the one who breaks off abusive or neglectful friendships or relationships. I'm the one who goes maybe a little too far just to make sure that they won't mess with us again.

After all, if it's not me, who is it? Not the littles. One can't stand conflict and another is so caught up in the trauma she holds that she refuses to front for fear of it happening again. It won't be our host - they're too afraid of having nobody that they'd rather be used and neglected and abused then told they're overreacting when they try to speak up for themselves.

So if not me, who else?

I've gained a little reputation among the system, and some people outside who've gotten the joy of being on the bad side of my temper, and you know what?

I'm okay with being told I'm "the closest thing to an evil alter that we have" (thanks, asshole, for sending our host through that loop). I'm okay with being known as the asshole. I'm okay with being pushed away for fear of me screwing something up.

Why am I okay with this? With being, what others would call, mistreated?

Because I'm doing my job. A job nobody else up here wants to do.

So I'm okay with being pushed away. I'm okay with it all. Because eventually, inevitably, they always come back to me and I do what I can to make life better. Whether that means dropping assholes like hot potatoes, or snapping at someone who's intentionally triggering our psychosis. I'm okay with it.

Because I have a job to do. And I will do it.

One of my proudest moments? It actually came recently. Our host stood up for themself, all on their own. I wasn't there to back them up, I wasn't there to take over when it got too much. They did it themself.

When I don't have to do my job? Sure, I may not front much for those times, but that's good. It brings the collective far less stress, especially the host. I don't like being triggered to the front often, so when I am, it means we're in some deep shit that the host can't handle alone. And I don't like that. Because they're strong. And if they can't handle it, it means someone beat them down until they were weak again and I had to be strong for them.

I don't want to be strong for them. I want them to be able to be strong on their own. I don't want them to need me, but they do, so... I'm here. I've been here since the beginning. And I'll be here forever. Because nobody else will do what I do, will take over those hard decisions and moments of "is this worth it"

I have a job to do. Nobody else will do it. So I have to. And I'm okay with that - I'll do it. I'll do anything they need.