#stoptrying

I'm going to say something that might break your current system:

Everything you're doing to get there is keeping you from arriving.

1. I stopped trying. And that's when it started working.

There's a version of "doing the work" that is secretly just panic in a pretty outfit.

Checking the mirror forty times a day isn't faith — it's auditing. Stacking subliminal on top of subliminal isn't trust — it's desperation with headphones in. Finding the next thing to fix isn't growth — it's your mind convincing you that you're not done yet. That you're not there yet.

And as long as you believe you're not there yet — you won't be.

The shift happened when I told myself one simple thing: there is nothing to fix. Not because I'd arrived. But because arriving was already inevitable. It was already decided. So the checking, the obsessing, the rituals — they became pointless. Not because I gave up. Because I was done. There's a difference.

2. I stopped dressing like someone who was waiting to become her.

I sat with myself and asked a question I hadn't asked before:

What does the version of me who already has this actually do on a Tuesday?

She doesn't count calories — she just eats well because that's who she is. She doesn't wear clothes that hide her — she wears what she loves because she's not waiting for permission from the mirror first.

So I stopped waiting.

I ordered the yogurt bowl. I wore the dress. I showed up as her before I felt like her — because I understood that the feeling follows the identity, not the other way around.

Was it uncomfortable? Genuinely, yes. There were moments I felt like I was wearing a costume. But underneath the discomfort was something quieter and more certain — the feeling of actually moving. Of becoming. Not performing becoming. Actually becoming.

That feeling is unlike anything else.

3. I didn't push harder. I just didn't quit.

Persistence, the way most people practice it, looks like force. More affirmations. Louder. Longer. More convinced.

But real persistence is almost boring. It's just — not letting the doubt win. Not engaging with it. Not arguing with it, not feeding it, not trying to logic your way out of it.

A contradicting thought would come. I'd see it. And I'd let it pass like a car outside a window — present for a second, then gone. I wasn't beautiful because I convinced myself. I was beautiful because I decided I already was, and I simply didn't renegotiate that decision every time my reflection had an opinion.

That's it. That's the whole thing.

You're not behind because you're not trying hard enough.

You're behind because you're trying at all.

Decide. Occupy. Persist without force.

I try to hard in a world that pushes me back down the hard steep steps I have had to climb.

I fool myself by thinking people think the same but they don’t. People don’t think the same, and they don’t think the same as me.

Maybe I am too clingy?

Maybe I am clinging onto something I need to let go, and all these slaps are the world trying to destroy my grip.

The world knows my pain.

It knows my lonely nights and constant breakdowns, my true feelings and secret thoughts.

I try so hard in place that I should leave. To wake up and realise that you don’t think like me... I don’t even know what to say :(

Maybe I shouldn’t be awake. If I had slept for hours and hours I would have never seen it and I would have never known. I’d of continued to play dummy in a life I know is wrong...

I still continue to climb the crumbling hill. I am too weak to turn around and let go. I’m still clinging on whilst dirt and heavy rocks hit my in the face. I didn’t have the strength to stay strong and instead took a sigh and continued to try.