just noting that today was very decent … really cozy and jokey feeling at home tonight after the gym, im working on a new knitting skill, and im snacking on my fave plantain chips.
ive definitely felt a sea change in myself recently, nothing major and probably just a side effect of the season change … it is hard to describe and i don’t feel like i really share well (online or in person with people im not extremely familiar with) but somehow i sort of feel like stick up my ass is losing power over me? i would often feel like ‘oh im not spontaneous, im not part of a cool tight-knit friend group, im not being alternative enough or queer enough or etc. etc.’ - like just the endless thoughts of why am i not, can i not, so on. recently ive been actively/passively stopping that from controlling/dictating my every behaviour (or read on a situation, or interaction). i am just stating the obvious im sure, but something in my self has flipped and its like i can hold that a bit further away and look at it and realize that routines and relationships and daily life doesn’t need to be filled with these thoughts, it needs to be lived and followed intuitively .. ugh i ramble but just word dumping while im thinking about the recent months, probably a lot of this is just starting to come to terms with how heavily i filter and censor myself and working to actually seek the right things out instead of bemoaning the lack thereof