07-18-2019: My first attempt
How does one start the first blog post that is supposed to be kind of an online diary so I can never miss something in my life, forget about it or loose it. Is it a bad idea to start it? I don't know. I'll answer that question in some time? Do I care that others are able to read this? Not yet because I don't think this has an impact at all and because there are simply no details coming up that could possibly ruin it. This is simply a blog to start of a journey which hopefully leads to the right results.
But what are the right results? What am I looking for? I want to gain happiness, a feeling inside my chest every single time I wake up in the morning, wanting to kiss and hug everyone I know and love and never or as much as possible miss that feeling again. I want to look into the mirror, not seeing what I made wrong in my past, what I would want to change so desperately nor anything bad. I want to look into the mirror and see someone that has so much love for anything, that is living only for herself with a calm mind and a inspiring attitude.
Those are the things I want to gain in my life, pure happiness, self- love and unconditional love for others. And I couldn't be further away from it. I can only vaguely set the point where I first started listening to others opinions in how far I need to look, act, feel, love...
The last memory I have where I didn't put effort into pleasing others (or lets be honest still no effort after I actually started to) is while I was rowing with a childhood friend back in 2014/15. I can remember that I didn't give a single f*ck about social media, diat surveys or other stuff that tends to make you feel less worth. I simply didn't. I don't know what changed but something did. After I quit rowing I lost more and more of my identity. I quit other passions of mine and ended up basically playing League of Legends every single day. I didn't meet up with friends which lead to me not having a lot of friends and for a long while I didn't consider anyone as my best friend. (Luckily I started to lately.)
Don't get me wrong, if there is any other person besides myself out there that actually reads my sh*t, I am not complaining about it trying to get someone to feel pity for me. I am very well aware of the fact that I am not well but I am trying to get it back together to grow.
I don't think I would have realised it if it wouldn't have been for the sh*t that happened lately. I got to know a person. I don't need many details since I am the person having it in my mind but considering the possibility that I actually loose some of the key memories I write down some. And you get some drama presented as well. So we both win.
He lived in Scotland and I lived, and still live in Germany. We got to know each other through League of Legends in December 2018 and we connected instantly. We were constantly playing and talking every single day possible. After three months I visited him for vacation. It had been a week and I got to know Scotland. It is an amazingly beautiful country and I felt sad and overwhelmed going back to germany and seeing all those cities, houses, streets and not a spot nature that was even comparable enough to Scotlands beautiful scenery. (I mean if I take the time to actually go outside to see some nature that is bigger than my thumbnail I suppose I'll find some) But it just isn't comparable. After I returned to Germany I stayed for one more month and then returned to Scotland. This time to live and work there. It didn't quit worked out. Sh*t happened that I am not proud of but I wouldn't want to miss it either because it is not worth brooding over something that happened in the past and is simply not going to change (Unless you suprisingly meet Marty McFly and go back in time in the DeLorean). It harmed him a lot and me in a way that I didn't expect it could happen. Our friendships is a matter of balance now and depends on how we heal.
I do give a sh*t about who I am and what I am standing for. Two days ago I did a random personality test (16personalites.com) about six times to get an accurate result and I got three Virtuoso and three Logician. Both the Virtuoso and the Logician tend to not have a lot of friends. They tend to be insensitive, thinking more about practical solutions to a problem than an to be an emotional prop. They seem cold sometimes, distant and withdrawn. They don't want to be bound to anyone and anything. They value their freedom more than emotional boundries. I should not put to much thought into it but seeing it displayed and feeling like it is not a great combination.
I don't talk a lot about my emotions and I always felt that writing it down gives me the opportunity to actually tell more than when I try to talk to people. You always end up thinking about stuff, deciding if you want to tell it or just keep a single detail to yourself. Same with writing but I try to write down the thoughts as they appear. This is not really a common blog post after all. But I don't care.
This is the way I want it to be.
