#self tolerance

You open your camera, pull a face, and say you are not pretty.

You stare at the photograph in which your lips chase the shadow of a smile but your eyes betray the truth, and say you're not pretty.

Do you see yourself when you're amazed by the stars?

Do you see yourself when you meet an old friend you haven't met in a while?

Do you see yourself when you're lost in your favourite melodies?

Do you see yourself when you lose yourself to the rhythm?

Do you see yourself when you smile at your childhood pictures?

Do you see yourself when sweet laughter spills out of you?

Do you see yourself when you feel loved and enough?

Do you see yourself when your head is bent in complete concentration?

Do you see yourself when you stand back up again, dust yourself off and wipe away your tears?

Do you see yourself when you have not a care in the world?

I'm not even going to lie, I just like this picture of me. I'm posting it because I wanna keep track of days where I feel pleasant and I don't feel like I look like trash. At some point in the near future, a picture of me is going to be posted on a friend's account. I'm nervous. I know he wouldn't post a bad picture of me. I'm just... Nervous.

Something amazing happened.

For the last 2-3 ish years, we as a system have been trying to heal. It's a pain because we're a system & healing 700+ people is....obviously difficult.

But.

We’ve been practicing self tolerance.

“I exist”, “My body is human”, & “I’m alive” have been our most common affirmations.

It got to the point we no longer cringe or choke hearing the sound of our body’s voice speaking or even singing, which used to never happen. We kept stopping in our tracks while singing on a walk & go “hold on, I don’t hate our voice right now! 🥺” because //that was massive progress// for us.

We’ve been tentatively introducing “I am allowed to be 100% myself without permission”, “I forgive myself”, & “I love myself” to our affirmation list.

It felt unnatural. It just. Didn't come to us naturally at all. The first time we said them, we choked, our body violently trembled, we got these awkward hiccup-y laughs of disbelief. The next 100± times we kept choking, trembling, disbelief laughing. (It's been ~3 months now of doing this twice a day - when we wake up & before we sleep at night.)

We started doing Inner Child™ work. Looking at old pictures of our child self (we don't really remember what our body looked like - ADHD & trauma amnesia), & singing songs to them. The Reason (Hoobastank), Fight Song (Rachel Platten), & a handful of songs about (1) loving & forgiving a partner, (2) finding yourself again, (3) healing, & (4) acceptance. It was a suggestion from TikTok, which seemed silly at the time, but we enjoy singing so we kept it up.

But today we were listening to music. (New ones:) I See Love (Forest Blakk), You Are (René Miller), All I Know So Far (P!nk), Sorry Not Sorry (Demi Lovato), Broken & Beautiful (Kelly Clarkson), & an old favourite, American Honey (Lady Antebellum).

We were just existing, listening, vibing. Singing to ourselves, or more to the kid we used to be because that's easier.

We were singing I See Love & Nico was looking at younger us in adoration, because we do somehow love our kid self (he deserved better) even though we lost the ability to consciously love our present self....& like....IDK, something about the moment...

It happened.

It actually happened.

Nico was about to get up to go to dinner (parents had summoned us for mandatory family noms while we’d been resting & laying down),

& completely seriously, he just went “I love us. All of us. I love myself.” & hugged our body with this soft smile.

He didn’t notice/realize at first. But he got on our feet, he stopped dead, & he just stared at our hands in shock & started crying. Because he actually meant it. He doesn’t hate himself anymore.

Aiden tolerates himself almost to the point of love now. Most of us at least tolerate ourselves. But Nico, who told us he's the most fucked up & would be the last to heal anything, was the first to say “I love myself” and mean it.

I’m just....so proud of him. & wanted to share it. So have this.

He thought he couldn’t heal. That he was too traumatized to ever love himself again. He was okay with that. But he’s the first to take a huge step. He did it. ¡He got past self tolerance!

I don’t have anyone in particular to aim this at. This is just a happy moment in our healing journey.