#self regulating

AUCTOBER day 18: Self Regulating

An october art challenge by @autiebiographical

Not building rapport or being able to go deeper with someone you just met, or even more crucial, someone you just met and moved in with, has dire consequences on the isolation scale, but also lifelong discrimination and difficulties. It's simply nightmarish to navigate.

And if there are multiple persons in that arrangement, the issue further compounds. There are so many unspoken rules and hidden things that hold certain spaces together, especially spaces that are unsafe to mask in, such as, the public eye, in public, openly to people you just met or have just begun living with, to abusive parents, to a previously undisclosed monster you are dating, to government officials.

What spell are you under?

I do not want to be willingly vulnerable but masking is exhausting, masking is taxing I want to be free to speak my mind, to truly speak my mind Most people do not understand my words when I unleash on the real unmasked talk of what I feel and sense, real dreams, real visions, so much high talk that people tune out and can't listen, I've been asked to change the subject so so many times, been told that was a cool party trick can we get back to the party?

Others have stood awestruck asked me to slow down, save it for later, possibly keep it a bit more quiet because I'm getting excitable and definitely not loud enough for the neighbours to hear please.

I keep it quiet and I keep it small.

But the world's a stage And I'm at the age where I was 28 for 2 years, our mind just decided I was 28 for 2 years and I realised I'm turning 30 this year I'm at the cusp of luminance But that neccessitates that I have to die the darkest deaths and bleed so loud and strong and for long. this life is too sweet, too fleeting, too deep, too meaningful, to meaningless, cruel and hard and dark and bitter and unfair, sweet and breezy and a whole fucking ride

you've loved, you've lost you've begged, you've prayed you've bled, you've played, you've trusted and got busted

sometimes replaying an entire loop your life is cycles and you can feel it and observe as it does that, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get out of that cycle they don't give you conventional 'medicine' and by medicine i mean wisdom

they have got medicine for you, but I'm afraid the only way that it is a cure is by means of eradicating your sensation of it being an endless cycle or simulation or worse and deeper and darker, and bolder and bigger and brighter- all the same you;ve got an endless antenna unto that world, so you don't take the pills.

It's just something that numbs. And dealing with all that numbness dumbs down, and I use dumb in the same way dampen, for instance something cushioning a heavy flow, or suppressing the sound from an instrument. I've been called dumb and insinuated stupid for quite some time now. Whereas before there was just dumb awe at what I had to say, or discomfort, now, I receive all kinds of responses ranging from sheer pity to shocking loss of human decency and manners.

When you get yelled at by a 40 year old woman on her property in the jungle and she's German American and you're Palestinian-Syrian/American and she's trying to make you feel like a 5 year old, in fron of other volunteers, then you don't really feel 5 years old, you feel very affronted that is what passes for social engagement as an adult with the world as an autistic woman, worse off than the men for many objective reasons like being foreign, naive in more specific and dangerous ways, unlikley to express distress or alert anybody to being afraid or unwilling to engage with something, more likely to hide the results of such ecounters gone wrong, more likely to suffer in silence and act out in more nad more extreme ways, but always directed at herself. This individual didn't get the support that she needed to navigate the world in a way that worked. She was sheltered, she was abused and she had very little emotional support and guidance. She absorbed everything from her environment from the moment of her conception, taking in the milky waves of discord and distress and abuse, weaving a picture of a vessel to take her body side. She succeeded to survive the next 29 years and 5 months and 13 days.

i will blame myself too for driving frantically to my intro to pole class with an amazing instructor I met last time who made me feel seen and supported and was able to guide me through different exercises. and also allowed me the space to experiment, not overcautioning me often about things to know or do as a beginner. Dreading leaving the house well in advance of the day of, and finally having a breakdown the day it arrived. Too tired, too foggy, too spaced out, too apathetic and numb and don't care, and please no more of that, no more of anything please, just nothing, nothing more, kindly no, no sir, not today, not anymore, not this, not now, JUST ABOUT ENOUGH I SAID.

And proceeded to slap on a sizeable amount of more of that stuff for myself by masking and pretending and generally prancing around unable to be seen by individuals that very much give me the vibe of we will be onto you if you tell us all your secrets but a. they very infrequently express any interest in what it is I am saying, making me feel like just trailing off into nothingess, they do not ask any follow up questions about statments I make in regards to be autistic or listing out of any difficulties, I hear 'you're fine' a lot and it is starting to make my head hurt a little. Like actually, no I'm not. Can we stop pretending, and also it's because I can't be my damn self in this room without making an energetic cringe the size of a continent My whole solo universe is full of these instances and I am at a loss what my interactions are doing to the people around me that puts up such a wall or parades ignorance about opics which, well, that might be the point actually. Not knowing about these things and thus projecting their own ideas or misconceptions? Anyway the whole thing is just a mess because it's not leading to infantilisation (which would be worse) but still nobody is being blunt and direct about their feelings and what they mean and what they're saying. I want this thing to change because, ever tired of the insect in a glass phenomena, want to step through the looking glass, part the veil and come out onto the stage to say my piece because I swear, that vision has been with me since time immemorial. The one I have and the other one closely related depict a very ecstatic dance of life upon a stage facing all forebearers and factions and creator and created observing the life of the one, wi7da, who unfurled herself for all of time so that she may experience what each synapse feels as it connects with another, a divsion so expansive she could find herself widely across it in many different ways and with many different people. Many different people at once, and I mean in the feeling of oneness with all of the cosmos to tell all these stories takes time, but she dances in ecstasy as if all that exists for her is one endless moment.

Time to step out soon, and maybe now to aid in that I'll actually deliver the nugget of information I promised at the beginning of this whole thing. The social skill that I could certainly use more of and am so glad I have just learned about is called the hello good morning good night trick. Without the overforced hellos and how are yous the barista certainly feels that you are not normal and feels taken advantage of (*courtesy of my sister who I am pretty didn't read that right either. I mean she says she felt embarrased being out with me so that's another development in the younger sibling department who's been living her own life for the last 6 years and also my best friend and biggest supporter. not living together and me realising about my autism about 2 years ago, and subsequently unmasking, is making me incomprehensible to her I'm afraid, and this is deep sarcasm. She actually told me that she saw the exact moment the barista shut down and she shot her a knowing glance to as if to say, yeah, I'm over here with stupid, I know how you feel and I apologse for the inconvenience. That shit stung, there's not sugarcoating that!). So with even more specificity, within the US there is a strong friendliness, greetings and customary how are yous culture. If you don't say those generally in the public, you are viewed as much more ostile. Haven't got the statistic for you right now, but I am sure it exists.

In what could be closer relationships, like people you just move in with, if they are also from the place you have just moved to, and even if they are not, it just depends on how tight knit their group, what pressures they are under or are exerting and whether or not they are interested. I've found here, things are prevented from going deeper by something as simple as you not being able to gather that every night at a certain time, obviously, it is bedtime. And they disappear on and up to their rooms. The day ends, days begin, people come in from places, they have routines too. If you don't ask about them or greet them good morning, or wish them a good night, they simply either think you are unfriendly or never get the opirtunity to go deeper with you. The question of whether they even want to go deeper is yet to be decided, it is a no as it stands now. I don't know that anything ever makes me close to my true self except standing before a room and teaching and being in the intimate space of the divine things are getting quite tedious I am awaiting my chariot outside the front door It's said in jest but seriously, please, where is the uplevel button that allows me to drive and navigate and succeed and arrive and engage and manage and function well in such a place? I think I don't want to fnction INSIDE of it.

gettingvetted here.

I recommend meal feeding to about 95% of my clients, except those with pets that self regulate really well. Even in those cases, if the self-regulating pet is not the only pet in the house, and the other pets do not self-regulate, then the self-regulating pet just has to learn how to eat meals rather than graze.

(Also, “how you gonna love someone else” has nothing to do with whether or not you will be loveable or loved.  Everyone on this planet has been loved, no matter how far they went)

Today, I am expressly thinking about bullies.

I have never met a bully in all my life, that has loved themselves.   They are usually full of shame, and unable to self regulate, so they take it out on everyone else.  (is this a permanent thing? no.  they have to fix it though. It HAS to come from them)

Bullying isn’t loving.  and it doesn’t stay “contained” to just one situation, but it’d never come to a home life.... no.

Ages: Current

Sisi: 28

Yumi: 30

Dan: 31

Charlie: 26

Thomas: 32

Isabella: 28

Ages: College Flashbacks (10 years prior)

Sisi: 18-19

Yumi: 20-21

Dan: 21-22

Charlie: 16-17

Thomas: 21-22

WHAT IS HEAT TRACING ?

Heat tracing is the application of a controlled amount of electric surface heating to pipework, tanks, valves or process equipment to either maintain its temperature (by replacing heat lost through insulation, also referred to as frost protection) or to affect an increase in its temperature.

The primary function of heat trace cable systems is the prevention of freezing within water pipes and subsequently bursting.

With temperatures dropping during the Winter months, freezing pipes are always a major concern for homeowners, businesses and industry alike. By maintaining the ambient temperature inside the pipe, frost cannot build up and pipes will not freeze. This means pipes will not burst due to ice expansion.

Did You Know…..  A gallon of water, when frozen, will expand to a volume 9% greater than the original gallon.