I am a monkey that draws ninja cats

"There are no mountains in Saskatoon."

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and like. do we have to keep gently phrasing things to protect naturally-thin people's feelings. in my life it has never been fashionable to be fat. "fat" is still a bad word. there has never been institutional power pushing people to gain weight; no trillion-dollar industry to "fix" skinny people. a larger body type has never been over-represented in models, influencers, celebrities. sure, people might say "i'm worried for your health," but they do it with respect and gentleness, like they're talking to a scared deer.

every single fucking time i talk about this, i have to be so careful with what i say, in case i offend even one skinny person. it is just true that skinny people have social capital across many cultures. there is a reason you almost never hear someone say "i wish i was fat," but you will constantly see people say "I wish i was thin." and yet inevitably some skinny person will tell me: i thought you wanted body positivity. it is the same fucking attitude as when a cis man says "when you say men have power, well, i've been bullied for being a man. i thought you believe in mental health awareness. don't you know men have a higher suicide rate?"

two things can be true at once: your experience being bullied for being thin was terrible. and people with larger bodies probably have it worse.

i have been big and small. i know many other people who have been big and small. trust what i'm about to tell you: being small is much easier. the world is kinder to you. people treat you better. honestly, this pattern occurs pretty much regardless of gender - my guy friends have confided that they'd rather be bullied for being thin than be bullied for being fat. if you're skinny, the pressure might be to gain weight, sure, but it's often to do so in a way that keeps you skinny - to gain muscle, specifically.

thinness is seen as innate and natural, genetic. whereas carrying any fat - that is a moral failing. it is assumed to be related to your character, your personality. i have seen people equate it to discipline, to hygiene. that bias is why we need to talk about this.

I know some of you get tired of me talking about this, but when we talk about eating disorders and disordered eating, the conversation and connotation is almost exclusively on women. And absolutely-- certain types of disordered eating are generally more likely to affect some genders over others.

But ALL genders are being affected by this-- now more than ever before.

As I have pointed out before, over the last 10-20 years, there has been an extensive rise in the absurd expectations over men's bodies to look more and more sculptured. For 16 year old boys to have six-packs.

The Marvelisation of masculine bodies are absolutely going to kill people, and we need to address that.

This is still an eating disorder. This is still disordered eating, even if it's so-called 'bigorexia' versus anorexia.

Please remember that we are bags of mostly water and a handful of chemicals. It serves one purpose-- to give you a physical form as you go about your short life on this tiny little water planet. Destroying your body so you can fit into absurd standards that someone just invented is utterly absurd. Damaging your body so you can fit into this size of clothing or have that fetishised image just hurts you.

eating disorders kill. disordered eating-- ANY form of disordered eating-- kills people.

Try to be as healthy as you can be, but starving yourself to fit into a 00, over-eating and over-working out so you can look like a marvel character-- this will absolutely destroy your metabolism and will cause you very severe issues later in life.

I was a model. I was forced into disordered eating and pills because they were trying to force my body to look small and child-like. Which--side note, yes, we absolutely need to ask ourselves why we keep making people look so waif-like that we can wear children's clothes and be confused as children in our 30s and why society finds that specific body type attractive!!!!!!!!!!. why is someone looking so small and CHILD-like attractive? yeah, there's something going on there that people do NOT like to talk about but we need to.

I NEVER had as much attention from people wanting to date me or sleep with me as when I looked like I was 12 years old because of disordered eating. I was in my 30s-- but all the people leching after me had no idea about that. And yeah, absolute lechers.

I am now 'enjoying' the consequences of this in my later life. For example, constant blood tests and doctor appointments monitoring organ failure and being on a waiting list for a couple of new organs. The pills they gave me and the restricted dieting for so many years destroyed my metabolism but also several of my organs and my system at large. My heart isn't doing great, either.

I have been informed by doctors that I will probably die before I hit 50, and it will be a miracle if I hit 60 because I have so much internal damage to my organs. And that's actually not that far away. I am in my 40s. I’m already suffering quite a lot because of this, doctors have warned that it will get much worse. I take a dozen different medications just to keep my body functioning as best it can right now.

And one of the biggest reasons for all this organ failure? yeah. All the diet pills and restricted eating when I was younger.

And the likely-hood of me getting organ transplants for ALL of the organs I need in the time frame I need them? VERY unlikely. And whatever time I have left, I am living a very disabled life-- in part, largely, because of all of this -- and getting more disabled every day.

So i'm begging you. Stay off the steroids, stay off the diet pills, the restricted eating, the protein powders, ozempic shots, all of that shit.

marvelisation is just as serious disordered eating as more traditionally recognised eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, and it can be just as dangerous.

talk to nutritionists and doctors whose primary concerns are HEALTH and not a certain body type or size. ALL forms of disordered eating are dangerous, and all forms of disordered eating can kill. Please, please get help if you are struggling with disordered eating of any kind.

redraw of the desert hearts roku romance screensaver, because that’s how i discovered the movie <3

1. The court holds Google responsible for statements made by its AI, considering them Google's statements (search engines have limited liability for results in their engine as they're the words of other sites/companies/people), meaning when their AI lies/hallucinates they're liable for the defamation/harm resulting from those statements.

2. Google's defense that customers are generally aware of the lack of reliability and are responsible for fact checking was dismissed. As the court pointed out, that would "significantly diminish" AI Search's stated purpose and it can't be distinguished from Google's business practices/statements as a search tool.

3. Studies have found about 91% of Google's everyday AI responses are accurate, leaving millions of searches per HOUR with potential liability for falsehoods. 56% of correct responses weren't supported by the sources the AI listed. Both of which mean Google is now liable for a LOT more AI "errors."

4. Google was held liable for 80% of court costs in this case and this precedent is expected to reverberate around the world. This is a massive shift from the 3rd-party search provider role Google has previously played and it comes right as they've tied ALL searches to their AI search.

So from then on whenever one of us called something problematic, he would make us talk it out until we could name the “bad” thing we were hinting at. In this particular class, 7/10 it was some type of oppression, and the remainder was like, “I’m uncomfortable because this is very new/confusing/pushing boundaries that made me feel safe.”

Once we stopped calling things “problematic” and stopping at that, class got way more interesting and... we all had to say, like, “that’s racist” or “that’s misogynistic” or “ew capitalism gross” out loud, which a lot of us had never done in a classroom before. Or we had to be like, “Uhhh... I’m not sure what’s so bad?” and confront our own beliefs and that was maybe even more useful.

thank you for asking anon! i’ve kept this one close to the chest for a while, but the answer is YES! if all goes according to plan, i will be publishing the final version of YMHW (no longer called YMHW) this fall, as the first of what will hopefully be a number of non-fannish novels! it’s all a little terrifying, because going the self-pub route means i am 1. figuring things out as i go, and 2. taking the version you’re familiar with down from ao3.

That last one KILLS me. YMHW in its current form means an almost ridiculous lot to me and—trusting your many very lovely comments—it does to some of you, too. that is the reason i want to take this next step, though: i think this story can carry a similar comfort & joy beyond fandom spaces, and i want to give it a chance to be found by & shared with anyone who may be in need of a chunky, feel-good, sapphic romantic comedy this year.

if you loved YMHW, i’m not expecting anything beyond the support you’ve already so kindly & generously given me. i would obviously be thrilled if you were interested in buying the book! but i understand if you prefer to remember the story as is, and don’t want to see it outside of its original context. that’s why i’m leaving YMHW up for another week: you’re welcome to (re)read it or to download it for private use, but i do ask that you don’t share the file with others, especially after i take YMHW offline. the platform i’m publishing on (yes that one) requires exclusivity; digital copies circulating after i publish put me in direct danger of getting banned, which will destroy my chances of putting out the next novels i’m working on. in light of several past experiences, i’ve also officially established my copyright, which means i now have a way to fight back properly if my work gets stolen or plagiarized again.

until June 13th, You & Me & Holiday Wine can be found here. and if you’d like to be among the first to see the cover, receive updates & other insights & previews, or are interested in reviewing an ARC, you can subscribe to my newsletter here!

i’m saving every single comment you’ve ever left me. writing YMHW, sharing it with you, and hearing what it meant to you was a blindingly bright spot during a very dark time, and i will be grateful to it and to you for that, forever.