Unkind and jagged

It drops into my mind,

like a rock into water.

Gradually, the thoughts expand.

Rippling outward,

Bending, breaking the surface

Until they reach the shore.

I am left grasping, gasping, reeling.

Until it stops.

I try to enjoy the stillness,

As it is well-noticed I have a habit of disappearing, and often mention how much I want to return and don’t. I’m not proud of this cause I feel like it’s a huge let down and disappointment to people I role-play with-- more than likely it is at least a small to mild disappointment. And that includes myself because I love rping! It’s an It was outlet for me.

But for the past year it’s turned into a stressor. I simply log on and my mind starts thinking negatively towards myself. And I’m also thinking: me @ me: What the fuck?

It’s like I’m failing before I even log on, or I’m expecting to be hated by my partners. (which very often has been the exact opposite.) 

And yes some of the reasons for my absents are because of life. Work picked up because two producers were out, I’ve been trying to take care of/further finical stuff on my own so I can better support myself, car issues, therapy, etc. 

All things we deal with one way or another. And that right there is were I start to feel like, “Why can’t I manage this and life? Everyone else can? What are you doing wrong?” (Hello self critic welcome to party) I can’t help but play the comparison game and wonder, “Why aren’t you like them?”

To be honest this is the mindset ( “Why aren’t you doing more? Why don’t you create something of value? You aren’t as creative as them. You don’t belong. You are a let down. What is your worth? Why can’t you do this? Why aren’t you good enough?” ) I’ve been dealing with and trying to change for almost a year now.  I feel so lost and anxious. I don’t want to be.

It’s infected nearly everything I enjoyed once, and I hate it. 

Yet I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I just need to start writing again, and don’t look back. Or if I need to take an official hiatus. Or if I need to do something else I haven’t thought of. I don’t know.