#negativity tw

I will be clearing out my following list of non-mutuals, along with any non-mutuals (with a handful of exceptions like personals with rp sideblogs) threads. I can’t do it, I feel like s—t about my writing and rping and just get upset when I think someone wants to write with me and they ditch me without explaining. I know I’m slow, and I can’t change that.

I will be clearing out my followers by softblocking those who I’ve not interacted with IC or OOC. Granted, if we’re mutuals, feel free to like this so I keep you. I just…kind of want another fresh start without moving blogs again.

trigger warnings ahead. emotional manipulation; emotional abuse; negativity.

"you're not good enough."

"you're not even trying, are you?"

"you're a failure."

"I'm wasting my time."

"you're slacking off."

"that's just an excuse!"

"i'm disappointed in you."

"i'm not your mother!"

"you should be able to do this."

"don't ask me! do it yourself."

"you're pathetic."

"you keep fucking up."

"do you even know what you're doing?"

"just leave. i'll handle it."

"you could be so much better."

"you're throwing everything away."

"you're being stupid."

"are you doing this to spite me?"

"what's wrong with you?"

"you're doing well. but you need to be better."

"i'm trying to encourage you to be the best you can be."

"i'm helping you. don't you want my help?"

"they're relying on you."

"don't you care?"

"you're fucking up on purpose, aren't you?"

"you're too soft."

"that's not a valid reason."

"no. you're staying here until you figure it out."

"i expected more from you."

They keep saying never kill yourself, it gets better.

But whenever I see their posts I feel angry and worthless and bitter. Just because they got lucky and everything worked out for them. I'm so jealous.

I keep following them because I tell myself I need to know its possible to have a life but it feels more and more impossible everyday. I just feel sad and angry when I see their posts.

Its even worse when I see other people casually living my greatest fantasy, and theyre my age or younger. And I know their lives aren't perfect, that they have harships and hurts and struggle like everyone else. And yet. Even with all their problems, their lives are still so wonderful and dreamlike to me. Im bitter, I hate that about myself but its true.

My roommate moves out in like a month and is fully starting to just close off on helping me out. I get food stamps in like two weeks, but right now I've got nothing.

Not for groceries, not for bills that are currently paid but will start coming back around again. Got no specific goals or anything, but everything helps. I'm really starting to shut down mentally, I'm trying my best here and it's clearly not good enough. I've got little temp bits that help close some gaps every so often like a volunteer job at the local convention that I'm getting paid for, but things are just not working fully. life for everyone is a little shitty right now, I know. So no pressure at all.

I can't offer anything in return except thank yous and maybe tears, but like I said anything and everything helps:

im sitting inocently at the dining room table "writing" (watching hr) and my dad walks in.

"whatcha doin?" he says as he's getting ready to leave.

"writing." I reply

"suicide note?" he asks.