#self invalidation

In the last 2 weeks, I only had 2 Meltdowns. It's probably because of the new antidepressants. I already took that medication from 12 to 16 there it hadn't that effect but at that time I wasn't in a "world" specialized for disableds like I'm now. Now I have less stress in general.

Many people would say that's good. I personally have issues with it. The reason is that it causes self invalidating thoughts. It feels like I wouldn't be a valid MSN autistic anymore, although my support needs haven't changed. I'm also scared of losing my identity due to improving symptoms.

Meltdowns are valid suffering but suffering from self invalidating thoughts because Meltdown frequency has reduced is valid suffering too.

Even in the autism community, some people are mad at people because they aren't happy about that their symptoms improved but their are reasons why improved symptoms also can cause suffering in autistics

- self invalidation (many autistics have self invalidating thoughts if one of their symptoms gets better even if it's only short term)

- restricted thinking (Restricted thinking can cause people to be scared of losing their identity due to improving symptoms)

hey, anon? the thing is, I literally can't relate because I don't see a reason being aro is somehow bad. it's a little empty right now, but we've recently started up the tag "good things about being aro", and honestly i'd adore more contributions. feel free to look through that tag and also just... realize it's okay. I've talked before on the subject of overcoming internalized arophobia, but a quick recap:

remove as many sources of amatonormativity as you can from your life. this may mean changing the media you interact with, the conversations you participate in, the people you hang with, what you write about / read... and even try to challenge yourself to think something else if you think something amatonormative. You've probably spent a good chunk of years hearing these messages - learning to spot them and understand why they're wrong will help.

add aro-positive things into your normal day. this can mean: follow aro blogs, interact with media without a romance focus, write about other things in your life that bring you joy/warmth/anything you enjoy.

if you have the power and money to do so on your own terms, consider therapy. if you generally dislike yourself, truly, I cannot recommend it enough. if your therapist doesn't seem to click with you or you don't feel like it's helping, talk to them about that. Tell them, hey, here's what I've noticed. Here's what I'd like. If you don't think you can provide that, can you recommend me to someone who you think can? I've been there and done that - and went from a therapist that if anything was worsening my mental health to one I truly look forward to seeing, because I know that they will help me untangle my thoughts and work through things.

Hey I just wanted some advice, what do you do when you start invalidating your own trauma? I was emotionally abused and sometimes I feel like I’m being over sensitive or dramatic despite how it hurt me. Anything you can give me would be great, thanks.

Hi anon,

I feel like I talk about this a lot and I'm sorry for that. I just think it's important and not well known or talked about enough.

This sounds like trauma imposter syndrome. I wrote an article about it here. A tip I talk about in the article is to imagine your experience happening to someone else and whether you'd think it was valid looking at it that way.

It's important to know that you are not being over sensitive or dramatic. I know it's not as easy as hearing that but I hope hearing it helps a bit. You are valid. You feel how you feel and that's okay.

Finding a good support system, maybe a support group of some sort, can help validate you. Being traumatized by emotional abuse is valid. and talking to others with similar experiences can really be eye opening and help you realize you are not alone in this.

There are some things which happen in my brain where no body knows the full version.

When I try to talk about it with my mouth I can't say the words I want after a few words. It isn't a verbal Shutdown. I could talk about other topics in such situations but not about the stuff I want to talk about. When I try to force me I have a meltdown. I'm so scared of the reaction of other people. I'm scared that they find it weird and even some reactions which aren't bad cause psychological pain in my because of reactions sensitivity dysphoria.

I could do things like showering, dressing, and tooth brushing short term on my own. But I ask for help daily because it's helps my mental health to stay more stable. I call such things support helps. I think very probably long term I couldn't do these things or at least some of these things enough on my own to stay healthy. Sometimes, my brain tells me that I could do things like showering , dressing, and toothbrushing enough on my own if my health would depend on it. It happens especially in weeks where I have fewer issues with executive dysfunction like this week. I have no proof that my brain isn't right, but I know that in most weeks, I have situations where I can’t move properly until a caretaker is physically with me multiple times a week even with much help like at curren. My mom nearly never forced me to do things on my own, so there were only a few short time situations where I showered on my own. I think it wouldn't work long term but I haven't a proof and there is no way to find it out which wouldn't be harmful for my mental health and would sets me into danger of needing brough to the psychward because of a meltdown. So practically I shouldn't try it out.

Hey anon,

I’m sorry we weren’t able to get to this before your appointment. But, yeah, that sounds like the same way I’ve treated my symptoms when talking to professionals. It’s hard to open up to people about what you’re going through.

But they can’t help if you don’t tell them the truth. They aren’t going to judge you, they’re there to help. I hope you’re able to open up and get the help and support you deserve.

So I just wrote a poem, lying in bed in the dark. Thought I’d share it...

I’m not sure what to do right now

because I am really struggling

I’m not sure how to go about things

when the whole world feels like it’s falling

I lost my job which I cherished and loved

My students got me through my days

And now I didn’t get to even say goodbye

I feel like it’s all one big haze

My dad got fired from his job of 13 years

My father, the rock, the hero

Never before have I seen him so vulnerable

We’re all so scared and feel like we have zero

We’re going to lose our insurance in just over a month

After my therapist just won a single case agreement

I’m terrified for how things will play out

I just need access to the proper treatment

I have so much schoolwork and it’s weighing me down

I find it difficult to even start

Everyone’s certification process is now messed up or delayed

This is affecting every single part

Before this all started I’d been hurting for months

Passively suicidal and in a funk

I was treading in such deep turbulent water

And now I feel like I’ve already sunk

Who am I to complain though?

I don’t have it the worst

I try to tell myself it’s all valid

But I feel like I’m living with a curse

So I’m not sure what to do right now

Because I am really struggling

I’m not sure how to go about things