#rawthoughts

—wordsintheattic, Anish KC

"wow even you think my suffering is a fucking joke huh?"

— @mindscriptreality

Y eso, aunque parezca poco, es una forma de resistencia lúcida.

(01.11.2023)

I'm in gr. 9, transferee in BAA, June 13, 2018. It is a new and challenging day for me because I will be going to encounter a lot of new and different persons. I start to prepare for my first day in BAA, and while preparing I didn't come to the point where I hope I will gonna meet a pretty girl. Along the way to school, All that comes to my head is that I will go to school, finish the day, and go back home as early as possible. I enter the school and then when I saw my section on the lists of the names, I directly go to the room and didn't even try to walk around in school. Luckily, I have a classmate that I knew since I was a child so I directly sit beside him. I also remember that even in the other section heard about me and one of their classmates go to our room then try to scare me but I didn't even get scared a little bit. It makes me laugh in my mind because I'm doing nothing but they feel my presence, such a beautiful thing. Honestly, during the class hours, I don't even care about anyone in the room or even in the school except for the three friends that I met on that day. After one week, I still have the same kind of thinking. I will go to school, finish the day, and go back home as early as possible. It is the second week of going to school and then those three friends that I have, start to ask something. They said, "Give some names of our classmate that you think looks pretty". I told a lot of names because they just said that give some names of our classmate that "I think looks pretty" but they didn't say that I must have a crush on them. Out of all those names, there's a girl that I didn't mention so they ask me another question. They said "How about _ _ _ _? Do you think she's pretty?” I ask and replied, "Who? Where is she?" So they show me that girl, on the right side or on the east, behind another girl or her friend. And that day, my perspective of going to school start to change, and everything starts to have meanings.

It happened back in 2018 when one of the most important person in my life passed away. My aunt or my father’s sister took care of us since I was born. We are very close and she is like our second mother already, she does her best to make us feel loved, cared, and protected. When I started my year in high school, of course it was tough but every morning before going to school especially if it’s our exams, she would always say, “Pinagpray ko na kayo kagabi, kaya niyo yan.” And that would help us feel motivated to take the exams. When we go home after school, she would always ask how our day went and she would always notice if there’s something wrong. Since our parents are always busy at work, for me, she knows me better than them. She knows all my personal problems and sometimes without even asking she would know already that there’s something wrong. To make me feel better, she would buy some of my favorite food and would wait for me to open up, she never pushes me to open up when I’m not ready, she would just be there to accompany me until I become okay. She supported me too when I wanted to try joining the VLIVE for my favorite K-pop girl group. She lend me some money to be able to join it and told me not to mention it to my parents, I did not expect as well that after joining one of the members would notice me. I saw how happy she is for me that time and I don’t know how to thank her enough. When we have some misunderstandings, she would always apologize afterwards even if it’s my fault sometimes. I know before that I am an immature person and a prideful one that’s why saying sorry is not really my habit even if I’m really sorry for what I’ve done. It was Summer in 2018 when she decided to go back to the province in Cagayan, after how many years of staying here with us, her other siblings convinced her to go there to rest because that time, her asthma is getting worst. I don’t know why I have that feeling that I don’t want her to go but, I thought it would be better for her to rest for a while. She promised that she will go back on December that year to celebrate Christmas with us, and I’m really looking forward for it. September came, it was 2am in the morning, it was the exam’s day. My mother waked us up, crying. I asked her what’s wrong and that’s when they told us that our aunt passed away. When I heard that, I did not cry immediately, I don’t know what to react. It’s like, you’re wishing that everything was just a dream. When my father repeated it and told us that we are going to their province to attend her funeral, that’s when I lost it. The person who knows me more than anyone else, the person who made me feel loved, cared, and protected, the person who supported me in everything that I do, is gone. I remembered her promise and I can’t stop crying that time. I went to school feeling lost, I don’t know how I finished taking my exams because all I wanted is to go to our province and hope that everything is just a prank and she’s just waiting for us to go there to visit her. When we finally travelled from Manila going to Cagayan, I am still hoping that it’s not real, that she’s still alive. But, when we got there and saw people outside the house wearing white and a tarpaulin with her name hanging outside the house, I immediately went in and saw her coffin, she’s really gone. I’m lost at words that time that I do not have the energy to greet our other relatives, in my mind that time all I wish is for her to wake up and I’ll do everything I can to pay her back from all the love, sacrifices, and kindness she gave us. When the day of her burial came, I did not have the energy to accompany them because I had a blister under my foot that makes me struggle to walk. Before going back to Manila, that’s when it sink in that she’s really gone, she will never come back and celebrate Christmas with us. The only hope I have is the Resurrection day when Jesus Christ comes back. 

Compassion for me is to helped other people to those who need and also to the people who are not in need. Compassion is to help everyone. Everyone has to be motivated not only by physical, mental and emotion but also through spiritual. If we bring compassion to other people we slowly can change the world into more happiness than sadness. We can also bring joy not only to our family but the people who surrounds us. Things will be better if we have compassions and that is the best way to start our day to day life.