From the poetry and prose book, Shame Never Fit Me Anyway ☀️

Our tiny bikes and disobedient souls

carried us there, Mark and me, along

narrow, winding lanes beyond the town

where the trees on either side joined hands

to form a tunnel like a playground game

and the steep inclines that made us puff

but oh, the thrill of zooming down again

a roller coaster in our childish minds

Deep in the woods we’d ditch the bikes

at the special place we’d found before

with abandoned machines for us to climb

and ponds of stagnant water, dark as tea

where dreadful life skulked beneath the scum

The pang of fear running into a gang of bigger kids

smoking hollow twigs. They showed us how

and we vowed we’d bring matches along next time

As the shadows lengthened, we started back

the exhilaration of the day remained

as we flew fearlessly down the endless lanes

And so long as we made it back home for tea

no questions were asked, our secret safe

no grazed knees or bumped heads to explain

Yes, we got away with it again and again

venturing farther than anyone ever knew

along undulating country lanes, where in a decade’s time

Mark would die one night on a motorbike

I held you like water and you slipped through, slow and deliberate like the tide withdrawing secrets from a shore that begged to be kissed You murmured storms into my mouth, lips salt stung, breath bruised with longing and the shame of everything unspoken And I still taste the hush of you the way your hands clung not to hold, but to haunt

How fickle is the human heart? Well, It can stop dead for a start, or fibrillate, Take the rap for all kinds of emotional state, And if you pluck it out, put it on a plate, It’s not worth the cost of a chunk of steak.

‘Cause this pound of gristle we all need to function Simply ain’t fit for human consumption, And that’s why even the heart of a prince Holds far less appeal than a cheap plate of mince

(Although I suppose a prince might order a waiter To go and fetch him the heart of a traitor).

This Spring, we were like two shots of Sambuca, when the dark meets the light, in equal measure.

Everyone knows you can't see-saw alone & when one side rides high, the other comes down.

So together we developed a balancing act: I'd push myself forward, while you had to pull back.

But our playground was suddenly thrown into shadow. The temperature dropped; we both froze to the marrow

& when you jumped, I got dumped hard on the ground — found I couldn't get back up without you around.

Then a giant's foot fell on the end where you'd been, flinging me way off my face yet again.

A swashbuckling star of the stage and screen

A true hellraiser who stole every scene

A six-foot-two man-god with bright golden hair

Proud to be Irish but wasn’t born there

Claimed he could recite all Shakespeare’s sonnets

(Some of his boasts were not strictly honest)

Had homes in London, Dublin and Paris

Liked to go drinking with Burton and Harris

Wasn’t a Christian but rated Our Saviour

Got famous playing Lawrence of Arabia

Met Siân Phillips, his wife, at drama school

FAILURE is a faithful friend:     it follows like a flop-eared hound so close at heel, it trips you up     and throws you on the ground. It curls beside you as you sleep, it joins you in the shower, alert for any sign you’re weak,    every day, every minute, every hour.

It winds its way inside your head    and your thoughts as they unfold. It turns up at your birthday bash    and tells you “You’re too old

ever to amount to anything now!”    and scoffs “You've had your chance" And if that isn’t bad enough    it does a little dance

One day I noticed your chops had turned grey   a bit like mine when I forget to shave Sharing this space but our time's out of kilt   you’ve lapped up the years like some milk that I spilt

I’ll always be your constant companion   but I dread losing you more than just about anyone and when others remark on how much you've aged   silently inside I feel enraged

The thought of not having you around’s unbearable   your collar and lead by no other dog wearable I'll evermore be walking alone in the rain   your ball in my pocket, around the park again