#provera

So, last post was a while ago. I was medically diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis in August 2019 after a laparoscopy. I had a 6cm endometrioma removed from my right ovary and after a biopsy they determined it was not cancerous. So since then, I've been on a multitude of different hormonal medications and these have had serious side effects to both my physical and mental health. I don't recognise myself anymore on these medications. I am constantly angry, frustrated, have a short temper and am intollerant of everyone and everything... I have no libido and feel disconnected from those I love. And none of it is their fault. It's me.

My wonderful, supportive, caring and loving partner can no longer tollerate what these medications are doing to me. I'm no longer the girl he fell in love with. And it's killing our relationship. He does so much for me in life and especially around the house. I try and make sure I let him know what a great job he does with the renovations, but my intollerance of everything makes me snap at the smallest things - dishes not in the dishwasher, poking his head in the office to see how I'm doing or if I need anything... I take offence to the smallest thing, and I feel guilty every time I snap but I cannot stop it from happening in the first place. He's on eggshells and I'm a bulldozer destroying everything in my path.

I felt him drifting away and while I know it's my mood that's affecting him, my insecurities and paranoia tell me he's been wanting out and always wanted me to change, he was never happy with who I was, my income, my job, my lack of a degree... even when he has supported me through everything, and I mean everything.

I'm irrationally angry that he's not able to be supportive anymore - even when it's my tiny daggers that have torn away his tollerance and kindness over the past 12 months. I look up blogs and google search how to help the situation and come across countless women who experience the same feelings I do and wonder if their partners are more supportive, more understanding of the struggle they go through every day. I get angry that he's going back on his word to me that we'd get through it, when I gave him the option to leave when I was first diagnosed, knowing this was not what he'd signed up for when he met me. I don't blame him, but I'm angry. I'm always angry. I think back to when he was struggling, and I just kept saying I know it wasn't him, it wasn't his fault and I get angry that he can't be there for me, unconditionally, like I was for him. But it's stupid and it's wrong and it's a mindset I cannot help. I've put this wonderful man through hell, and he deserves peace and happiness.

My options are simple but not.. I can come off the meds, save my relationship and let the Endometriosis continue to scar my organs until I'm forced into another surgery..

Or I can lose the love of my life, continue to be angry.. and stop the Endo spreading...

You guys...

I’m freaking out. I’m excited and terrified. I’m worried about something going wrong but I’m trying to relax.

I’M FREAKING OUT.

I’m about 4 weeks right now (last period started November 10th). I messaged my doctor but I don’t expect to hear back for a day or two. My dream would be to get an ultrasound before Christmas but we’ll see since I’ll only be 6 weeks the Saturday before.

Trever is asleep right now and I’m headed to work so I’m going to tell him tonight. I want to tell our families at Christmas but I’m also a bit hesitant since I’ll only be 6-6.5 weeks at that time and that’s still pretty early.

Provérbios 22 🌸

O prudente prevê o mal, e esconde-se; mas os simples passam e acabam pagando.

O galardão da humildade e o temor do Senhor são riquezas, honra e vida.

Espinhos e laços há no caminho do perverso; o que guarda a sua alma retira-se para longe dele. (Pv 22.3-5)

O prudente (aquele que é cauteloso, cuidadoso, que tem juízo) vê o mal de longe. Ele sabe que determinadas pessoas e caminhos o levarão para longe de Deus. Por isso, se afasta. Ele vê o perigo. Ele observa quem está por trás de pessoas. Ele vê com os olhos espirituais. Quando ele vê o mal, se esconde. Se retira, se afasta, mas não permanece no perigo. Isso é temor a Deus; se afastar do mal. Ele (o prudente) é humilde, porque se humilha diante de Deus, porque obedece a Sua Palavra.

O galardão da humildade e o temor do Senhor são riquezas, honra e vida. (Pv 22. Versículo 4)

Ao contrário dos simples. Os simples são aqueles que ficam na superfície. São aqueles indefinidos, que não sabem se querem Deus ou o mundo. Eles até podem querer a Deus, mas decidem agir de maneira contrária. Os simples se entregam aos seus desejos, que os levam a pagar caro por isso. E o pior; se não se arrependerem, e se definirem como pessoas de Deus (largando o que as afasta Dele), podem se perder por toda a eternidade. Você já parou para pensar quanto tempo dura a eternidade? Ela não tem fim.

Hoje em dia, muitos cristãos não fazem o que eles julgam de "grandes pecados". Muitos não roubam, não matam, não traem, não mentem... Mas, alimentam dentro de si orgulho, maus olhos, malícia, mágoas, maus pensamentos, fofocas, julgamentos, presunção... Pecado é pecado. Foi o que Jesus repreendeu nos fariseus e mestres de lei.

Ai de vocês, mestres da lei e fariseus, hipócritas! Vocês dão o dízimo da hortelã, do endro e do cominho, mas têm negligenciado os preceitos mais importantes da lei: a justiça, a misericórdia e a fidelidade. Vocês devem praticar estas coisas, sem omitir aquelas.

Guias cegos! Vocês coam um mosquito e engolem um camelo. Mateus 23:23-24 NVI

Ai de vocês, mestres da lei e fariseus, hipócritas! Vocês limpam o exterior do copo e do prato, mas por dentro eles estão cheios de ganância e cobiça.

Fariseu cego! Limpe primeiro o interior do copo e do prato, para que o exterior também fique limpo.

"Ai de vocês, mestres da lei e fariseus, hipócritas! Vocês são como sepulcros caiados: bonitos por fora, mas por dentro estão cheios de ossos e de todo tipo de imundície. Mateus 23:25-27 NVI

Devemos ser fiel nos dízimos e nas ofertas, e não nos esquecer das outras coisas. Devemos ser fiéis em TUDO. Amar a Deus sobre todas as coisas, de verdade. Vamos rejeitar os nossos achismos e honrar a Deus.

Espinhos e laços há no caminho do perverso (pessoa mau caráter, que se desvia do caminho correto de Deus); o que guarda a sua alma retira-se para longe dele (do perverso). (Pv 22. Versículo 5)

#VirtuosaERara

#PropósitoDeJaneiro

Remember a few months ago when I asked ya’ll about non-dysphoric ways to catch uterus blood? Well, I found out why and how to not have that problem, but its... not ideal. Like my endocrinologist literally said the words “so... you’re not going to like this.”

Turns out I’ve been slowly making uterine lining for the last 4 years, and the spotting/light bleeding I’ve been getting before my shots is that lining trying really, really hard to shed. The only way, barring a hysterectomy, for me to stop bleeding in the days before my T shot is to go off of T for a few weeks and have a full-on period.

Which is something I totally thought was a myth until this morning.

Well I’m here to tell you that growing uterine lining on T is definitely a thing that can happen and having a period is actually the treatment. Saturday I start taking Provera, which will hopefully make the period start sooner so I can get it over with.

TBH I’m kinda worried about the dysphoria associated with this and just what the PMS will be like. Its been so long since I’ve had a period, guys...

Any trans guys out there who have had to do this? What was it like?