Thereās no two ways about it. They always just do. Why? Because some part of you (however small a part that may be), wanted something more than just friendship with this person and now thatās ended. Even if youāre still friends, it will always suck.
Ā The worst break ups are when youāre in love. No not the āI love you baeā or what ever else type of crap that people throw around without no real feeling behind it or have any care about the consequences saying those words have these days. Real love. The kind where being apart makes you feel like a part of your soul is missing. The kind where theyāre sad and youād give anything and everything to make it all ok.Ā The kind where even the thought of being without them makes you feel physically sick.
Ā Well I had that⦠and losing him didnāt just make me go through a box of Kleenex, a few tubs of Ben & Jerryās and admittedly a few bottles of wine on a Sunday with my girlfriends. No⦠this break up nearly broke me. If youāve loved and lost someone youāll know what it feels like. Where you physically hurt, even in places you didnāt know you had. Itās gut-wrenching agony that makes you feel so sick to your stomach where no amount of crying or venting or screaming could ever lessen what you feel.
Ā I thought I knew it was coming; after all, the signs had been there for a long time. He hid his phone, he denied cheating even when my friends busted him on dating websites (and I stupidly forgave him and pretended it never happened) and he had wanted to have a break only a few weeks earlier.. but he came back. He told me he wanted this relationship, he wanted me and a future together. I was prepared then for it to end. I wasnāt prepared for what happened after.
Ā I busted him on a dating/hook up app. Of course. How gullible and stupid of me. Liars and cheaters do not change. Ā They suck you in and then try to turn the tables around on you. All the signs were there! How could I have ignored my gut instinct? I kept looking to the past. For goodness sakes! weād just booked a trip overseas together. I thought, why would he do that if he didnāt want to be with me? But he didnāt⦠no he wanted to be with the fake me (or probably anyone else other than me).The me with a different face and name on that app⦠My story was the same, I treated him the same. After a few hours of chatting I asked him how long heād been single for⦠his response? A while.
Ā The knife cut deep and I knew there was no salvaging this. I kept it up until we planned to meet. My friends all said to go, to bust him in person. Oh god I so wanted to. I wanted to see the shocked look on his face when he realized heād screwed up. I wanted it to be public so everyone would know what he had done. But he had some of my belongings at his place and we still had the holiday booked in both our names. I needed to get my things back and everything sorted.
Ā Then I was in the car park at work early one morning at the start of May.. not even a phone call. A text. We were done. I couldnāt even comprehend what had just happened. He was so into the other me he was going to dump the real me? Because I wasnāt blonde like she was? Because I didnāt look the same as she did? What was so good about her and not me? I text my boss and started to drive home⦠then the pain hit. It was crippling. I couldnāt breathe. I was having a panic attack at 110km driving down the highway. One of my friends called, like she intuitively knew something was wrong. I still couldnāt breathe, I could barely see through the tears and my whole body felt like Iād gone a few rounds with a sensational boxer. With her talking me through it I managed to make it to my doctors who gave me the relief I needed, no questions asked.
Ā I spent the next few weeks in a Valium fuelled haze. I struggled to exist. I went to sleep hoping I wouldnāt wake up, so I didnāt have to hurt the next morning or face the memories. What kills me is that I haven't just lost him out of my life as a physical presence, I also lost a whole future that I saw with him. I saw it all so clearly in my head, the image of him and our young daughter, standing at the kitchen island bench, whisking up batter for pancakes on a sunday morning...Ā
But life goes on with or without you going along with it.Ā
Iāve suffered from a heart murmur most of my life. Itās irregular so the doctors have never been able to track it because they cannot predict when it will happen again. Now it happens all too frequently. The black outs, the hitched breath that comes when my heart, quite literally, skips a beat. He managed to physically break my heart.
Ā I tried to move on just as quickly as he had⦠okay thatās a lie considering I found out heād moved on about 6-7 months before he dumped me but as quickly as I possibly could. I threw myself into everything I could out side of work hours where I usually had little to distract me. I climbed a mountain, a real one not a metaphorical one. I dated random guys, who for the most part, were actually quite lovely. I went out most nights with my girlfriends and more often than not had too much to drink. I took the holiday and escaped being in the same country as him for two weeks.
Ā But breakups will always suck and this one still does. Because 4 months on I still canāt look at a photo of us without feeling my stomach sink. Because I experienced new places and things with him that I love now and going to and doing those things make me think of him. Because every time I go on a date I try to act blasĆ© but Iām sitting there silently begging internally for things to go ok but not great, because I cannot physically stomach the idea of being with someone who can hurt me... but at the same time, Iām afraid of being alone.
Ā So yeah break ups suck. But being cheated on and lied to always makes things so much worse. They can destroy your outlook on love and people. When did society take a wrong turn and end up here? Where you match with people on an app and you become so disconnected from each other that a text is how you end a relationship and a connection you have with someone... and ālikingā things becomes a way of flirting.. dates have become āNetflix and chillsā (and we all know chilling means screwing) and no one can dare to admit their feelings or have any sort of vulnerability because itās supposedly not cool to have those feelings.. meanwhile we sit behind our keyboards liking those photos of girls and guys doing romantic gestures, pretending we either have it already or donāt want it... when secretly our hearts are screaming for some kind of real connection.