#proses

Today I went out for a short walk in the evening, was not planning to buy any groceries. When walking by the street fruit vendors I heard "cantaloupes, 2 each! 2 each!" Sounds like a very nice bargain and I love fruits so I decided to get one anyway. I saw the person selling it had some availabile for tasting so I asked if I could taste a piece. He started generously cutting a large piece off that opened melon for me. I said in a rush to prove the absence of my greediness: "A small piece would be fine!" He said, generously, with words true as they sounded: "Eat freely as much you'd like!" As I started to taste the large piece he cut for me, he turned away, as if not expecting me to purchase anything at all, giving me the total freedom and sparing me the awkwardness of just walking away. The melon wasn't as sweet as I expected, but being me I absolutely would buy one after tasting, so I said: "I'd like a small one " and pointed at the smallest one in the pile, which he didn't even look at when started picking one for me. By this moment I have already forgotten that the melons were sold by numbers, not by weight, so when he replied: "That one is way too small!" I answered: "I might not be able to finish a larger one" to insist that I'd like not to spend more. He picked a bigger one for me anyway, and said: "This one looks better." I quietly accepted, and only the moment he handed me the melon did I remember that they were sold by numbers, cost only 2 each, not by weight, and did I realize his gesture was out of pure warm-heartedness rather than a vendor's trickienss that I believed, without doubt, for a few seconds. Suddenly, my heart was filled up by warmth. He turned away again to smoke as I was making the payment, having no doubt that I or anyone would steal. I said thank you twice to ensure that he heard me, and walked home, with my heart lightened up, like an orange lamp in the dark night.

He wouldn't know how much our encounter means to me, nor did I, until after it happened, just like I wouldn't realize how thick the night had been and how much I'd craved warmth, until I saw some light.

Past the lamp, I got to keep walking.

I need the dawn to come now, not a second later.

I can walk no more.

Saya mulai melihat ini sebagai latihan:

bukan tentang berada di kondisi yang rapi, tapi tentang tetap berpikir jernih di dalam kondisi yang tidak.

Ada kondisi yang mengajarkan kita sistem. Ada kondisi yang menguji apakah kita benar-benar memahaminya.

Saya tidak bisa mengubah semuanya sekaligus.

Tapi saya bisa mulai dari hal kecil: merapikan cara saya bergerak, mencatat, memahami, dan tetap bertanya.

Saya pernah mengira berada di situasi yang chaos itu buruk.

Ternyata, chaos itu ada levelnya.

Ada yang masih punya struktur, ada yang menuntut kita membangun struktur sendiri.

Mungkin ini bukan situasi paling nyaman, tapi justru ruang untuk belajar: