Aug 14, 2023
"good kitty."
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"good kitty."
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What hurts the most is the neglect we faced. How easily it was for us to be hurt. Everything so perfectly hidden. Any real "evidence" of it in us was kept in our alone time. Playing alone. Writings and drawings we wouldn't share. Yet things entirely normal to us. Daydreams and such in our minds. The way we played games. We spent a lot of time alone despite having two siblings and our parents being there a lot of the time. It's not like they always ignored us. There's memories of it there. But it is...amazing how much time we truly played alone. Stuck in our fantasies that...very much reflected some of our programming. It's so...hard to really describe. It feels fuzzy just trying to recall it. When it was so clear a few moments ago.
I know not to force it. I just hate that if I try to describe it, I suddenly experience really bad word salad and disorganized speech and shit. If I try to get it out, I just...I can't. It remains stuck in my head or poorly described and leaves me unsatisfied, not truly feeling as if I have expressed it. Fuck you. Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for hurting me. Fuck you for everything you did to me.