Please forget we exist

Thinking on it more. I don't think it's necessarily sort of like death for abstraction, but more metamorphosis. Or possibly like the aftermath of a breakdown. Where they need care. And we see them getting that now.

I don't think it's necessarily permanent either. More than they just don't know what to do with abstractions. With how Caine has been and the shoving them away, no one really fully understands them. And Kinger's interaction with Queenie was quite a new perspective on them.

So I think it's more like they're in the most unstable state. Pure trauma response. Like a dog that will bite. But recovery and rehabilitation is possible. With the circus gang kind of doing better now and Caine included, they could possibly reach a breakthrough.

Jax can also no longer push people away really. He's still cared for and he's still in there. It's sort of like a necessary breakdown. He didn't want to go, but he had to. And sometimes going past a point of no return, letting everything fall apart, is how you can begin anew.

And he's actually cared for. They have a place set up for him. It isn't like he's alone.

So I think it's kind of like being in recovery and needing care. And they'll heal over time. With how bad Jax has been, it makes sense that he had to break.

I know it's said that abstraction is permanent, but I personally don't believe it to be. And this interpretation of the ending is one I like.

The finale is still flawed, but it's more complicated than just it being bad. So while I'm still kinda mixed on it. I do appreciate what we are given.

Jax had a breakdown during the start of him trying to heal. And it set him off and feeling hopeless.

And I think in time, maybe they can come back. Now that they have a chance to be cared for instead of being sent to a void. The fact that they're still in there means something. To me at least.

So I kinda see it as hopeful. That recovery is possible. Even if you feel like an unstable monster. Like a dog that will bite, that can't be touched. That even if Jax had to break, he is cared for now.

Sometimes those big breakdowns can be a turning point. So that's kind of how I see it. And I like that.

I've said what I feel like saying honestly. For now anyway. I don't even want to engage in discussions over the episode. I mostly just compile my thoughts and feelings to get them out of my head and to process them.

I really don't think it's necessarily a bad ending either. Just very much not for me and not what I enjoy. And das okay. I disappointed, but it okay. Still enjoyed the journey. And it is still well made.

And I'm only starting to re-engage with media again. Mostly horror movies and video games have been the only media I can enjoy. So coming out of that shell is difficult. And that very much impacts how I feel about tadc too.

I've always been sensitive to things I watch and had very small pointless moments sit with me and emotionally disturb me for several days. Even some scenes are still hard for me to watch as an adult. Or I'll randomly remember things and just feel depressed and hopeless and cry.

So I'm just not in a good place to enjoy media either. And I know that's a me issue. It's why I'm particularly picky about emotionally upsetting stuff aside from horror.

There's so many reasons why this stuff bothers me. Autism, being sensitive, shitty childhood, never being taught any emotional regulation skills, meltdowns as a result of intense emotions, bad experiences with friends and fandoms, and more. But it's very much a problem in general for me which leads to me being very picky and upset when something genuinely upsets me. And considering my autism really adored these characters, it hits a little too hard for me.

Sometimes autism just sucks and makes it hard to enjoy things. Mine does at least.

I don't blame anyone for liking tadc episode 9. But I am at a point in my life where stuff like that is draining. And I've always been more sensitive to media in general for a variety of reasons. Plus with a lot of my life experiences, Jax and his abstraction hit way too fucking personal for me which just makes it unpleasant.

I'm sure I would have loved it if I was even a few years younger. But considering my life and where I am, I just don't enjoy it. And processing that is weird and difficult. I had hope that despite all the emotional parts of it, I'd enjoy the ending. But I didn't. And I'm just trying to process that disappointment while also trying to regulate my emotions.

It's a very personal me issue. And that's okay. I do wish there could be more content, but I also don't blame Goose for not wanting to make more after all of this.

Happy for the people that enjoyed it. Honestly wish I could feel the same.

And also I don't mind rushing or flawed writing much either. I enjoy plenty of media that is not always the best or may not be well written or handled well. And writing is tough. So that's another reason I don't feel like I'm the right person to criticize it even if I felt the ending was weak in the writing department.

Thinking more about the tadc finale after sitting with it. I don't even think it's truly bad. Flawed, yes. But I do like parts of it. I don't enjoy the ending either and do wish there could be more in the future. But I think it's more me just not enjoying the ending. It accomplished being brutally emotional.

I think the writing is the biggest weakness, but I don't think it's entirely terrible. Endings are hard anyway. And I'm not here to criticize the writing anyway.

I still have mixed feelings on the Jax stuff. I don't think it's an entirely egregious ending for him, but it's definitely not one I enjoy.

I'm very mixed on it. Having thought on it more, it's fine for an ending I guess. For some people, they seem to love it. So there's something there. But just not an ending I really liked. Which is okay.

Idk. I was expecting emotional shit for the ending. But it kinda felt like the same kinda stuff that a lot of angst fanfics do even if it has a positive side to it. It felt very much like wanting to emotionally gut your audience. Which isn't inherently bad. But I very much stopped engaging with angsty and emotional stuff that did that cause it's just not good for my mental health. So that's the main reason why. The Jax stuff felt very much like that.

I can't say for sure, but the Jax stuff probably is something Goose is satisfied with and ultimately that's what matters. It can be the ending that Goose wanted and I can just not like that and wish it didn't seem so final.

I personally like a touch of hope and knowing that abstraction is permanent as far as has been stated and shown is just kinda crushing to me which puts a damper on the whole finale. Doesn't matter if they tried to do some stuff for them or that Jax is kinda cared for still. It just hits a specific emotional trigger for me that I just do not like. And considering what I sort of hoped for with Jax's character, a certain type of arc for characters that are pretty bad but still have some hope, I was really expecting him to not abstract. That and it felt a little too obvious since it's kinda been predicted for a while.

And I've written angst that kinda has that same vibe as what happened with Jax too. So I get it. But I've just personally moved away from it and fandom in general because it seriously negatively affected my mental health.

I don't think the ending is necessarily wrong. But I just expected different.

And this is mostly about the Jax stuff. There's other criticisms for the Jax screen time, the abstraction off screen, and a whole bunch of other stuff which I can get behind. But that's not my main focus as of right now.

And idk. I've watched plenty of emotionally brutal stuff even with me heavily regulating angsty and emotional content I take in and interact with. But it very much hits that depressing point for me.

It feels like Jax was a pos. He had issues. They got shown, but he didn't really get any help. And then he was doomed to abstract. Which idk. I thought Jax was a good example of even people who are traumatized hurting others even if they tried to rationalize it. I know I sure as hell did that when younger. So I was hoping to see some sort of thing with him getting better. But it feels like he relapses into his prior behavior for the sake of the plot and then he essentially "dies" by being abstracted and no longer being who he was, regardless of whether he's still in there. I don't like seeing characters that suffer get the shit end of the stick. And knowing Caine got redemption, but not Jax just feels extra sour. Like Caine is more humanized than Jax. And a lot of Jax's story felt like pushed to be explanation and sympathy, but then at the same time, you're powerless to do anything. And then he abstracts.

And idk. Having also lived experiences with friends and countless other issues where I've felt powerless. Yeah, that point was just too triggering so me to see a character I loved and hoped would start to change, have some hope, be kinda squashed.

It also feels like Jax had one relapse into his pushing people away and not opening up then gave up. Which just feels terrible. Cause recovery is hard. Undoing trauma responses is hard. You're gonna slip up and slide back. And having Jax abstract feels pretty much like just suicide even down to him not wanting to go. And I just really don't enjoy that. It reads like a pretty depressing message to me that I don't really enjoy.

I can't say all of this is intentional, but it is how it comes off to me. So that's a big reason why I personally did not enjoy it and why it hits that "angsty sadness for the sake of angsty sadness." I can respect if this is truly Goose's vision for it. Cause good for her for making it how she wants. But I just do not like it one bit. And that's okay.

I'm not used to being so negative and expressing it so having to just reassure myself that it's okay that I feel this way.

It's confusing for me. My bf and I both were pretty messed up by Jax abstracting and did not enjoy that part. So it kinda dampered our enjoyment of it by a lot.

Previous episodes felt like they had hope despite all of the emotional torment. But it feels like they tried to have hope for this, but it falls flat when you remember that abstraction is permanent and that everything you saw in the series built to this. Which makes Jax's fate feel inevitable and doomed from the start. I can't feel like it has a happy ending or hopeful ending to it with Caine becoming part of the group and redeemed, but Jax is stuck abstracted for eternity essentially. Not to mention all the other abstractions which is also super depressing too. That they went from these sentient digital beings to essentially wild animals now being given something to help them.

It felt like Jax needed the most help and needed the most of a happy ending since everyone else was managing way better than him, even Kinger. But he gets stuck with the worst ending imo. And it feels like everything within the last few episodes feels pointless considering this is how he ends up. And that the fact he's still somehow in there, but he can't ever be reversed doesn't read as something bittersweet, it's depressing and feels hopeless. I don't care that the digital circus is basically their eternity, finding some hope in that has always been something I've seen. But for the abstractions to basically be somewhat still in their as their usual selves, but also whatever the hell they are now, it just doesn't sit right. It's not even bittersweet. It's just kinda horrific to me.

Idk. I consume a lot of content on the tragedy and emotionally upsetting side of things still. But it's been a good while since something upset me so much AND I didn't like it. They're not truly comparable, but Bring Her Back greatly upset me and triggered me and my bf, but I could still feel a bittersweet hopefulness to its ending. I don't ever wanna see that movie again, but I still greatly respect it and enjoyed it.

And while I respect this finale, I just didn't enjoy it. Kinda felt as emotionally gutting as bridge to terabithia, but without any kind of okay feeling and so it just left me kind of horrified by the eternity of abstraction.

But I also have a fear of heaven because of the eternity of it so I'm also just generally biased against abstraction when it comes to the fact that as far as we know and has been established, there is no coming back from it.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad ending. But it comes off as depressing to me while attempting to be bittersweet or content or somewhat positive. But I just can't feel satisfied with it thanks to the abstractions and especially Jax's. So it feels like a depressing reminder that Jax will never be the same. And he and the others are likely stuck like that for eternity. Still living, still somewhere in there, but unfixable. If there was even a hint of hope of them one day discovering a way to fix it no matter how small, I'd probably feel better. I guess you can interpret it that way, but when I try to, it feels like I'm just coping and that I'm reminded that abstraction is permanent.

I just. I really like complex or cruel characters. I like when I can relate to aspects of them. But I just don't like how the show handled Jax. I think I picked up on it earlier in episodes, but I held out hope. That it would all come together.

But idk. That ending is just triggering to me. Having been someone that pushes others away and also having been on the Pomni side of things. So I really don't like it. It doesn't feel well done enough for me to even say it's good even if it emotionally wrecked me.

I respect Goose making the story she wanted. But it still feels poorly written and handled. So honestly, just not for me.

I don't like being too critical, but it feels amateur or weak and it kinda shows. Not inherently had. All of us go through it with creation. I'm disappointed and I don't really like it, but that's okay. (Or maybe it just feels like there should have been more writers or people to help with writing. But I also struggle to write endings and know how to do things so I kinda get it. It is a tough task.) I'm not gonna dissect the writing. I don't want to do that. It's just how the writing felt to me. But everyone has stuff like this. So it's not the end of the world.

I'm just one little guy coping with it. And this isn't meant to be a serious in depth discussion. This is just me ranting what thoughts I have cause I feel very conflicted and I don't process emotions well.

I don't even know what I expected or what I would want. I just know I'm not particularly wowed with what we got.

It's not all terrible. But the parts that disappoint me are just too much for me to enjoy it at all.

I feel like it also has a hard time balancing things. Is it important the stuff that happens in the circus? Or does any of it not matter cause their real selves are moving on?

It feels awfully bleak. And I just. It almost feels like in a way Jax is right that nothing there matters from what he said in the gun episode. But we are supposed to care about them too, but also Jax is now gone and left to be an abstraction yet we also see that Pomni kind of connects with him.

I don't know. It feels like it's doing too many things at once and never had a clear message. I can't understand why this was the outcome.

And even as someone that heavily relates to Jax, I feel like it's all just...left there. He did shitty things, he had shitty life, and then he "dies" (permanently changes) which was always gonna happen and there was no saving him. But he's still somewhere in there. But you can't come back from abstraction. Which is just not satisfying.

I liked the way he was portrayed. That he hurt others and he messed up. But it doesn't even have a pay off. He just abstracts which people have been predicting forever. He doesn't even have a chance to be better. Caine got more of a redemption than him. He was shit to people, he hated himself, he knows he was terrible, he had no support, then he abstracts. Even if he's "still in there" somewhere, it just reads as bleak and horrific to me.

And then things just continue. And that's it. It feels like there should be more or at least some glimmer of hope for the abstractions beyond just a possibility that they're still in there. The real life versions living their lives doesn't make it any less bleak and depressing. It just makes it feel like none of it matters. Or like it's supposed to be hopeful cause their real selves are doing alright. But the digital selves aren't.

Idk. I was really hoping Jax would be handled better and be treated like a good morally complex grey character with the mix of having to face his actions and accept he did them, but also to face the pain he's clearly been avoiding. But instead, it reads as he was always doomed to kill himself (abstract) and it makes it feel like none of that stuff mattered.

I'm not even against depressing or downer endings or bittersweet ones. I enjoy a lot of different sort of things. But this just. Idk. Feels unsatisfying. And confusing.

I don't wanna be too harsh since I truly just don't know and I'm biased cause I had high hopes. But it just doesn't feel like most of what we had established paid off. I'm most upset about Jax since I relate to him a bunch and having been like him in the past. But I know I feel weird about him being a massive focus of it too. Even if Jax and Pomni are meant to be the main characters, I feel like there should be more for the others too.

I really don't know how I feel. I just know I didn't like it and it's not for me. I'll happily stick with fan content personally. I love the show, but I'm disappointed. And that's okay.

Idk. Being someone with aspd and heavily relates to Jax even if he isn't officially said to have aspd. Having him even be a "warning* of what happens if you don't open up bothers me.

I know I'm probably just reactive since I relate to Jax a lot, but it kinda gives this image that he's doomed from the start. And the separate lives between their real selves and circus selves doesn't really help. It just makes things more complicated and it's like...then why care about what happens to the digital self.

It kinda sullies the past episodes for me and makes it feel like he was always doomed. And idk, having a lot of issues like Jax in the past and all, it feels like a horrible ending. Even if it is just the digital version of him. It's still...really upsetting to me.

I'm not gonna say it's good or bad. And if this is what goose wanted them good for her. But I just really don't like it or what it seems to say.

But maybe it's supposed to show the difference between the real Jax that did change and kept living vs the digital Jax and what real Jax could have been.

Regardless, just not my cup of tea. I'm not opposed to angsty or emotional stuff. But with a lot of what I've been through, it can be rough. And this is just too much for me personally.

I just really didn't like that aspect of it. Reminded me of a lot of reasons why I stopped engaging with angsty and emotional content especially in fandoms.

I can't fully comprehend my own reasons for it. Human experiences are too abstract for myself to understand. I'm also extremely dissociated and never entirely sure of who I even am. That only makes it more confusing.

I'm not a fucking threat. I'm just a person trying to understand my own existence. I'm tired of everything about who I am being defined by other people. Me being intersex, my gender, my sexuality, my disabilities, my body, everything. I'm so sick of everything being defined by others. I use terms that fit me, that I find describe me. It's confusing and weird. But so is fucking existing. And humanity has always been weird.

My existence shouldn't be a threat to people. I am not saying your experiences aren't real just cause I exist with mine. Two things can exist at the same time.

I'm so tired of everything about myself being defined by others. And being told what I can experience and feel and know. The online queer community has actively worsened my mental health esp when younger. Cause it's always defined in such a hard solid label way and almost always ignores intersex experiences too. I spent so long wondering why I didn't fit into any real label. I spent so long thinking I was wrong and an awful person cause of my intersex identity fucking with how I understand my own gender. I spent so long trying to force myself into these specific definitions and these boxes, being told where I go, and never being happy.