#potise

I was asked if I had dinner last night and I cut myself off midway through a "idk" and zoned oit for a solid 12 seconds

I have a question for you, though I’m not sure if you’re the right one to ask.  I’m out of options, and quite frankly, out of energy to ask someone who could answer me.  No one tells me the truth anyway.  I’m just another person they all lie to, because they’re afraid the truth will push me over the edge.  If I’m being honest with myself, and with you - which, I try to be on special occasions - is probably what it would do.  The truth often scares me, but I’m tired of being lied to on a daily basis.  

Why is it that the people I love the most, don’t seem to care at all?  Why do people consistently forget that I exist?  Why am I so easily overlooked?  I don’t understand what I’ve done to make people hate me, or what could make them want to forget that I’m alive.  This is where I would appreciate honesty.

Don’t try to tell me I’m important when I’m not.  Don’t compliment me if you don’t wholeheartedly believe what you’re saying.  Don’t tell me I’m good at something if I’m not.  

These are the things I want to scream at everyone. I want to get it through their heads that unless they’re going to be honest with me, I don’t want to talk to them.  I’m tired of being forgotten by people who I love.   If my time, and my energy is so meaningless to them, why do they speak to me in the first place?   If they’re going to ignore me, I wish they would at least say goodbye.

I fall back into my comfort zone, which is where I wallow in my own sadness.  I’m addicted to pain and depression.  I won’t bother denying it anymore. 

I don’t want to get better.  I don’t care.

Why should I get better,  when I’m always last on the list to the people who are at the top of mine?

Love,