Dear P.O.T.S

I have a confession to make that I’m going to regret putting out into the world. If anyone sees this, I’m in trouble but if no one sees this then I’m still in trouble.

I just don’t know which trouble is worse.

Well, let’s get right into it.

I’ve been skipping meals.

Now, before anyone panics, I’m still eating snacks. But the only real meal I have typically is lunch. During the week I don’t have breakfast if I can help it and I don’t have dinner if I think no one will notice I’ve skipped it. I hate eating by myself but I also hate eating with people. All that plays in my head is Are they seeing how much I’m eating? Am I eating too much? Will they judge me if I have take this, if I have more of that?

It’s a miserable way to think, and I try to stop it when it happens because I’m aware that it doesn’t matter what people think of my eating habits, as long as I’m eating something, that’s better than nothing and I should be proud of myself for that. But I’ve gained a lot of weight. My belly flaps over my jeans no matter what I do. I suck it in and nothing changes. I have a double chin - that’s not really new, I’ve always had that, but it’s worse now. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing the outline of the waist I used to have, and it’s truly upsetting when I see old pictures of me having the body I want now. I was lucky to have it when I did and now I’ll never get it back.

I’ve gained probably close to 50 pounds since I started taking my medication for my depression and anxiety. I don’t fit into my nice clothes and I’ve had to buy entirely new things for the second time. I’m tired of being this heavy. And I don’t have the energy to exercise so I guess the only other answer I could come up with was skipping meals.

But I still eat sweats when they’re there.

It’s just meals that I’m skipping. Going to bed hungry isn’t a big deal anymore. It feels good to know that maybe being a little hungry will help me lose some weight.

I have stretch marks on my body from where the weight has settled. I see them every day and I try to ignore it but it’s impossible. They’re there. And if I wear shorts or short sleeves or crop tops you can see them. And it makes me hate myself a little bit more every day.

The mirror, which I never used to shy away from, I now see as an enemy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Exercise would probably fix my situation better than skipping meals. But I’ve tried exercising in the past and I haven’t lost weight. So maybe skipping meals will help. Or maybe it won’t because I do eat sweats and snacks when I think my parents won’t notice.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

Love,

I’ve lost my way again. I’m slowly finding a path back to the best I’ve ever been. I’m tired of giving up on myself. I think it’s my year for good things. I have so many good things happening for me, one negative shouldn’t put all the positive out of my mind.

I’m tired, but I’m fighting. I’m not done yet.

I have so much to do.

Love,

I started doing yoga. I was doing cardio, but it was hard to breathe, so I switched it up. I like doing yoga. I realized I’m not as flexible as I used to be, but I’m going to keep improving. I have to, or else I’ll lose my mind.

I’m on anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer now. It’s helped more than I thought it would. I didn’t even realize I needed a mood stabilizer. But I’m doing okay with the knowledge that more was wrong with me than I thought. I don’t let it define me like I usually would. I have mental illnesses, but they aren’t who I am. They’re part of me, but like I said, they don’t define me.

I hope there are better things that define me. I couldn’t tell you what they were.

I realized something else. I am a liar. I lie to my friends about how I’m feeling. I’m trying not to anymore, since being honest is a key part of friendship, but it’s harder than I thought.

My cardiologist said I’ve got you under control. That I’m doing much better. I feel better. I hope it stays that way as the October slide approaches. If all my efforts are for nothing yet again, I may need more help than ever.

I think that covers everything for now.

I think I’m doing better than I ever was.

Love,

I am afraid of the heat. I have been for years. I hate the stifling feeling, the way it drains me to the point where I just want to cry.

I miss the cold despite it also ruining everything I worked for.

I hate the heat.

Love,

I am, in every sense of the phrase, over it. I am tired of myself, exhausted with expelling energy, and getting nothing in return. I am the definition of frustration and aggravation. I am fed up with life and all the things I cannot let go of to save myself.

I want to breathe deeper, feel what’s real, and understand something bigger than pain and depression. I want to feel purpose and be driven to accomplish things.

Love,

The doctor told me I’ve got you mostly under control, but I doesn’t feel that way.

I feel strong sometimes, when I realize how far I’ve come over the past decade, but the truth always hits me in the face when I can’t do basic things.

My family doesn’t let me lift things they deem heavy, and maybe they are too much for me to be moving. I try do what I have to, but it’s like I’m wearing a sign.

She can’t do this. Stop her.

Why can’t I get strong? Why don’t I feel improvement the way I should? Why am I met with laughter or doubt when I say I’m strong?

Do my loved ones actually have faith in me, or are they just pretending for me?

Maybe I am the weak link in the chain. Maybe I always will be.

Love,

Sometimes I wonder how I made it through this the first time, and I really want to smack myself around for getting sick on top of being chronically ill.

I know I’m doing it differently this time. I don’t have the recumbent bike, and I’ve had to do it all on an elliptical instead of working up to it. I’m trying to cut myself some slack and understand everything I’ve put my body through and that I can’t expect it not be so ... bad at functioning.

I could barely keep my eyes open today at work. It was a real issue. Maybe I should just sleep for most of the weekend.

I feel like this letter is jumping all over the place and doesn’t even make sense. Maybe that’s the exhaustion.

Love,

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost everything I worked toward, I’m once again, back in a place I never wanted to be again.

I hurt myself for the first time in years last month.

I’m having suicidal thoughts again.

I want to die.

I want to end everything and never have to deal with any of this again.

I thought I was better. I thought I was going to be as healthy as I could be - but I’m never going to be anything close to healthy.

Everyone tells me to remember how far I’ve come. But I’m still in the same place I’ve always been. It won’t get any better, because this is all I am.

It’s all I’ll ever be.

Love,

I will never understand myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how many steps backward I’ve taken.

I broke a few promises last week.

I’m afraid to be honest because I don’t want to break their hearts, but I can’t go on not saying anything.

But I can’t tell the truth.

So, I guess I just won’t saying after all. I’ll internalize it’s, just like everything else, ignore it, and let it destroy me from the inside out.

It doesn’t matter, I guess.

This is a life sentence and I can’t break another promise so carelessly.

Love,

There are things I will never understand.

There are things no one explains.

There are things I want to say, but I have no words for it.

I’ve been this lost before.

Love,

I am finally taking my driver’s test today, for the very first time. Hopefully for the last time as well, with the Grace of God.

Please, don’t mess this up for me. Let this be my mistake if something goes wrong. Keep the chest pain to a minimum, and the brain fog and fatigue out of my way. I want to do something right.

Love,

I’m starting from the beginning, and I don’t have the heart to tell my parents. I got so far. I felt so genuinely good about a lot of things, and now I’m back to where I was, almost four years ago.

But maybe starting from the beginning again, is better than never starting anything again?

I don’t know.

My legs hurt though.

Love,

I am trying my best to scrape myself together. I am trying to exercise every day but something always comes up.

Is the cold that’s draining my energy? The heat does that, too. I was looking forward to cooler days, but I think I’ve officially lost my way. I’m weak.

I can feel it getting worse and worse every passing hour.

I was going to exercise today.

I was.

Love,