i don’t often talk about fandom stuff myself, but I wanted to put this out there. this is from the perspective of someone who sympathized with Caine’s crashout and suspects I have some form of NPD
the thing that resonates with me most personally is that he thought he was trying
he was unfortunately too selective and very lackadaisical about what exactly he truly listened to, and also he had a different frame of reference than the others in the first place. But within the framework he *did* know (his world, his adventures) he tried to do better by them, only in his point of view to keep facing further ridicule even as he believed he was “improving” himself and his work, and his existing inner instability compounded with that and bottomed out his self-esteem, pushing him into his ultimate breakdown as he tried to defend his psyche by dialing up the delusion that he *was* better to 11
I identified with that, as someone who also felt I was being ridiculed when I felt I was trying to do better, even though the reality was that I hadn’t fully understood what the problems were and my efforts were half-assed. While I don’t have super violent crashouts, being the more covert type that sinks into my low of self-hatred instead of feed the high of delusion as a defense mechanism, I DO get angry when I’m at a low. I’d get passive-aggressive, I’d shout, I’d even charged at people I care about, all because I felt personally attacked when I let myself believe I was doing better.
I got the opportunity to improve. I easily could have just been kicked out, but I wasn’t. I had a family willing to help despite all the suffering I caused.
Caine no longer has that chance. He realized he fucked up only when it was too late, and now he never will have the opportunity to be better, the one that I received. And that broke my heart.
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Perfection is what makes me me being perfect being better than my brothers better than those around me thats what makes me matter "perfection isnt real" then why do i strive for it why do i chase it why do i need it if it isnt real please i need to be perfect i know ill never be perfect but i must be an icarus i will fly too close to the sun i dont care i dont care because icarus is remembered icarus is a tale we all know i need to be known i need to be heard i need to be admired i need tk be loved
”Don’t you feel bad?” No. You see, I lack empathy due to mental health issues. I’ll be nice to you, but I don’t feel sorry for you. If you’re sitting here, saying “boohoo, pity me”, I actively won’t because I’m objectively not a good person
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Google isn't helping, so do you guys know how much of the diagnostic criteria you need to relate to in order to at least get checked out for ASPD, and NPD??
I think that not being heard as a child combined with constantly being praised for being smart did end up messing me up bad. We love a superiority complex (/s)!
I have this thing where I subconsciously see myself as the smartest/best/specialest person in the room and if that turns out to not be the case I get really insecure and weird and irrationally angry???
My old therapist pointed out that I seemed to take every interaction as a competition (which I vehemently disagreed with at the time, iirc. But of course, like many things that piss you off in therapy, it's a needed observation)
But the thing is, it's not really clocked by others because you know, you're supposed to make people feel good, and you're not supposed to be a pretentious ass. Being a good person means being kind and understanding to others. By doing this I managed to have relationships, but because I never externally expressed these things, those ideas were never challenged and I kept them. Because I didn't feel comfortable expressing that side of myself, others could not redirect me.
Growing up, I wasn't given the opportunity to be heard. Mentally, it grew from "no one tries to understand me" to "no one can understand me", putting myself on a pedestal and distancing myself further from my peers. I was already born with two neurodevelopmental disorders (like most in my family), so I already felt majorly disconnected from the majority of the "human" experience. In fact, I actively sought out books with animal protagonists because I could relate to them better than the ones with kids I was "supposed" to relate to.
Because of my superiority issues, I've had a hard time connecting with people. I don't give people enough chances to understand me because I don't know if they can and I'm anxious about being judged (who isn't)?
I'm trying to combat it by mentally thinking "this person is smarter than me" when I'm talking with someone, which seems to be helping a bit, still a long ways to go.
I feel weird talking about it, because, again, it feels bad to talk to others about it. Like: "Hello friend, I've subconsciously viewed myself as above you for our entire relationship, can you comfort me about it and emotionally connect with me as if I didn't just insult you and our friendship?"
Like, no, that's batshit. I can't expect anyone to have no reaction to that and to keep calm while I talk to them about that sort of thing.
So, by addressing this externally via textpost, I should hopefully begin to work through this.
In the meantime, I'm developing some affirmations that may help me:
People are smarter than me
People are more skilled than me
People are capable of understanding me
I am capable of expressing myself in a way that others can understand
People are worth asking advice from
Others' skill is something to be admired, not envied
I'm not skilled enough to do everything. That's okay. Acknowledge those who are skilled for their dedication and growth.
I need help from others
Others can help me
Other people are not my competition
In conclusion, I'm trying. I'm acknowledging the problem. My feelings may be upsetting to people, and that's okay. I'm trying to understand that it's not impossible for me to be understood. I'm trying to understand that I am capable of using my words to describe how I am feeling in an accurate way. I'm trying to understand that people being upset with me is not an indicator that I'm misunderstood.
Thank y'all for listening.
(I accidentally added a poll and can't remove it because I'm on mobile, sooo)
I’ve got a post I’ve been trying to make for awhile. About how you can still see people as… less real than others, even with hyper empathy. Like, there are only specific people I feel are truly real and complex. Everyone else is, like, a background character. Their emotions are so much simpler, too easy to understand. I guess.. I guess in many ways that makes them feel lesser than? Hmm. Ugh, I wish I could explain this better
