#hyperempathy

This skill can be seen positively by others, and reinforced. Or they can be seen as "too sensitive", and needing to get a thicker skin. Often its both, depending on the context.

Of all the things associated with ADHD, this is the one people tend to be most uncomfortable admitting might be a neurodivergence thing. Being empathic is GOOD! One's ability to read people is a gift! Almost a superpower! ADHD is a disability, something to be ashamed of, so empathy CAN'T be a symptom! ('Highly sensitive' is often used as an alternative by such people, and can end up separating kids from resources and community they need.)

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But hyperempathy has a lot of costs. It steals resources needed for other types of growth. It's exhausting. And it encourages depersonalization - communication becomes so focused on understanding the other person that there is very little space to recognize one's own perspective, and it's easier to connect with other people's emotions when your own aren't in the way.

It's also isolating. Since both sides of the conversation are focused on what interests the non-hyperempathic person, the hyperempathic person doesn't get to share themself. They're working so hard to understand others, but other people aren't returning the favour. Empathy is how they've learned care is communicated, and nobody seems to care!

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Hyperempathy is also wrong. A LOT. But the hyperempathic person has very few ways to figure that out. Hyperempathy develops to keep someone safe, and doesn't really care about false positives. False negatives are the thing that must be avoided, at all costs. So, thinking someone is angry when they aren't is FINE, as long as they don't directly ask the person and risk them BECOMING angry!

Hyperempathy also develops in a certain environment, and is keyed to that environment. Different communities have very different norms and body language! Unless the person deals with a LOT of different communities and environments at a young age (a situation where hyperempathy is less likely to develop, because its a LOT less effective), they only learn their own. Yet their brain is CERTAIN it knows what things mean, and often resists later information that calls that certainty into question.

Hyperempathic people can, ironically, end up the most insensitive people imaginable. Sure that they know what you're feeling better than you do. (And since they often grew up with people with very little introspection, they were often RIGHT about that as kids! But they aren't, now.) Condescending and cruel and exclusionist, while being sure that they're the kindest, most thoughtful people around.

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Hyperempathy also pops up in weird environments. People don't stop being hyperempathic when they start watching a show, for example.

I don't like most comedy, because comedians are often really unhappy people desperate to make others happy so they can feel it vicariously. Awful to watch, when my brain is primed to make other people happy! Especially through a screen, where I have NO chance to provide even a moment of vicarious joy!

I'll also get really uncomfortable watching certain actors. About 60% of the time, they're in jail within the next decade. The other 40% seem to be perfectly nice people. (Love the character Leverage's Nathan Ford was supposed to be. Really wish he hadn't been played by Timothy Hutton.)

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Finally, hyperempathic people often find weird ways to let their own emotions out.

Sometimes, they gravitate towards emotional people, where they get chances to vent emotions that match the ones the other person is asking them to empathize with.

Sometimes, they spend a lot of time fantasizing, safely feeling things in imaginary environments. Or read/watch a lot, in the hopes they can feel things through the characters.

Sometimes, they'll self-sabotage, and then have messy meltdowns when they fail, letting out all the built up feelings.