#personal journal

Rpf demon taking hold of me again

I probably have something wrong with me but I’m addicted to the older man/younger man dynamic in which the older man is absolutely head over heels smitten for a guy 20 years younger than him, to the point he would do anything and everything to have him and hold him. Give me an older man whose life has been turned upside down because he developed a crush in his middle age, who knows how insane and irrational it is but he can’t hold himself back regardless. Bonus points if the younger man is painfully normal to everyone else but the older man sees in him a potential that no one else has ever realized. Destruct your whole sense of self for that boy.

WIP Wednesday tmr is HMCSColumbia going to post a really interesting really juicy WIP snippet? This we don’t know

Hyperfixations are going insane right now

You know what? You're trying to give me something and I don't want it. Like I just met you and here you are with your hand on the 'small of my back' guiding me around like I'm some blind elderly woman, and it's like 'nigga, I don't need you to hold me up! I don't need you to keep me on the path ahead of me!' I just don't know who these people think they are? You know? And it's like they offer up all these suggestions of where to go with ‘em, what to do with em, who I am, who they are? They have these secret agendas they're tryna get me to conform to, a script in their heads they want me to act out, and it's like... for what? What do we have to gain from this? Like shut the fuck up for once and just give up control. Always trying to be in charge--control everything, like they're tryna get me to swallow their pill wrapped in bread or chocolate or bacon or something, baby talking me trying to distract me from whatever bullshit they'er trying to shove down my throat. I don't want it. I don't want whatever bland, unimaginative, uninspired bullshit you're tryna sell me. Quit trying to sell me, because then I can't trust you. Just take a deep breath, and give up. I’m more inclined to trust a person who sits next to me, and says nothing. I think men take women's silence or reservation for weakness or something that needs to be molded or placated. That we're not strong enough, whole enough on our own. That we're docile, and timid and can't function without it, whatever it is they are trying to offer. I just feel like they are always selling me short, always reducing me, always trying to make me feel small. They think it's care, love, consideration whatever, but it's not. They need to take the humility route, I think. The 'reverse' malleable route. The sponge route. The shut up and be present route, let someone else take the lead, or not. Let go of all your assumptions and expectations and just let it be. Ya... that. Um, ya but I know that I'm talking to the wrong guys. And I also can acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, I am wrong guys.

Woke up next to the love of my life today and he made me breakfast I’m winning