words are my love language.

I thought I had already found myself, and then I met him. Through experiencing and loving him, I discovered another version of myself.

Will this love last forever? I don't know. But do I love him truly and sincerely with my entire being? Yes.

Sometimes I wonder: does this man deserve so much love from me? Am I loving him the right way? Am I doing it wrong? Am I loving too much? My heart and my mind are constantly at war over this love. And yet, I still drown in it and cherish the love we share.

Will love ever make sense to humankind? Or is love simply... loving?

Loving him has been one of the most selfish and unexpected experiences of my entire life.

Am I loving him the right way? Is this love simply wrong? Because deep in my heart, I want to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally, without pretending that my way of loving is somehow less than, or less worthy.

But, still. I will always cherish the moments we've shared together. It was never about love or even curiosity. It was a mere 'fling,' if I dared to name it for us. I never thought that the literal person who would steal my first kiss would be the person that I will never have, or even have the chance to love.

I am more than my body.

I am more than what’s between my legs.

Even though I take pride in my sense of vanity and my sexuality, deep down I, too, want to be known—

to be loved deeply, beyond what only meets the eye.

I am more than my skin.

Silly me… deep inside, I still yearn to be loved unconditionally, beyond everything else.

Am I too naive, or even foolish, to wait for “the one”?

Does “the one” even exist for me?

Can I be seen deeply?

Surrounded by people, lusted after—

for a while, it made me feel something.

Maybe I am worthy of being wanted.

But beyond everything, I still desire to be seen—

truly seen—beyond any superficiality.

Am I asking too much?

Am I too greedy?

Am I ungrateful?

Is it too much to want to be understood beyond what I show?

Is it my fault that I am the way I am—

that I behave the way I do—

that I make it easy for the world to hypersexualize me?

To be constantly misunderstood…

and still dare to want more?

Am I too needy?

I’m tough. I’m direct in everything that I am. I’m passionate in everything that I do. That’s just who I’ve become.

But people have no idea how much violence and pain I’ve endured to become this unrelenting. I was not born with violence. Violence is what made me into the person I am today.

I am no gangster. Nor am I a man. I’m just a girl who learned how to be strong in the wild just to survive.

Because I was not protected. Nor was I handled with kindness and care. Roughness and confrontation are what I’ve known all my life.

Ever since I was a child, I never truly had the chance to simply be a child. My childhood only taught me how to survive—how to be strong, and how not to let the strong ones dictate me.

I was not born with fangs in my mouth. Nor was I born with a knife between my fingers.

I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted to be the person I am today. But my life experiences shaped me into the unrelenting stone that I am now.

And you know what the craziest part is? I was even punished and shamed for simply being the child that I was. That’s how bad it was for me.

And still, to this day, it continues to affect me.

My rough childhood didn’t toughen me up or make me “stronger.” Instead, it traumatized me and hurt me deeply for my entire life.

And one of the hardest parts was that the people I call family even said that I “act” like a man.

As if that gives people permission to treat me like one.

They don’t even know me…